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I want to know please

Do any of you also have this feeling that you don’t love your partner and you are with them for the wrong reasons ? It feels very real. But I want to love him so it makes me sad. Is it still part of ROCD or does it mean that my feelings are a sign that my fear is true (that I really don’t truly live my partner). We have been together for three years pretty much. We have been in long distance relationship since this September and have been trying to fix our relationship for a year after a break up (due to my constant doubts and feeling that I don’t truly love him). I was so excited to visit him like a child before Christmas, now that I’m with him I realise that I don’t feel the way I thought I would: I don’t feel intense love and excitement and it sometimes even feel strange. I don’t feel much and I’m hoping it’s just because I need to get used to be around him again but sometimes I even feel suddenly that I’m with him just out of convenience such as staying out of fear of changing my routine. I do feel a bit of that for sure because I’m so used to have him around me and for me that without him my life would feel very strange and empty. But I want to love him so bad because like everyone I want to be in a relationship but also because it is a good relationship, he is nice with me, caring, I love to cuddle with him, we experienced a lot together, he changed me (in a good way), he motivated me to become a better person more motivated, he gives me confidence and I like to make him proud, when he spends time with friends or family I feel a bit sad because I wished I was experiencing what he is doing with him, I’m attracted to him and I’m obsessed with his smell, the way he cuddles me make me feel relaxed. Moreover he is a driven person, loyal, mature I imagine a successful future with him. Please help me I’m so scared to be in denial and to not actually love him because when we started dating it was kinda right time right place because I wasn’t attracted to him but he was nice with me and I wanted to have a boyfriend and I hoped I’d fall in love with time. I don’t want to start all over again with someone else and when we went through breaks I often compared others to him (e.g.: he dresses better, he is more interesting…etc (my bf that is)). I want to stop doubting and just love him and we cant continue together for years with doubts all the time … help

So i think i learned alot in this week, i was looking at the wrong thing cause i thought what i need to change is my emotions. Ive been searching why do i feel like this or that, why do i have bad reactions to some things but then i learned the emotions are just my reactions to thoughts, so the actual problem is thoughts. And i know people say dont try to change thoughts but people who actually understand ocd knows that your belief system what is making you have ocd, we have some distortions that we have to change. This is kinda misunderstanding for me too cause when i start to view it like this i see it like these thoughts has more meaning than just thoughts, like i gave them much more importance. I have suicidal ocd, and sometimes it feels so real. And working with that like this makes me think sometimes that i actually have a belief system that would make me act on this thought or if it not, i still have a belief system that supports suicide and those times i feel bad. Today i had a triggering moment too, so my suicidal ocd sometimes can be triggered really easily, like im listening a song and in the song i hear the lyric "i cant live without you" and im suddenly get the feeling and thoughts of "i dont want to live like this, i dont accept this". Funny is that nothing happens in real life, i jusz make a story up and then i feel like in that situation i couldnt survive, and yeah its not real but the thing that i have that thought and feeling of despair that i couldnt live, just scares me. Today i got got attacked by this, and i realized i pushed away the feelings cause i was so scared, but this just made me feel like theres an actual problem and im actually have a belief system deep down that supports suicide...im just denying it... i have to face it. And viewing like this doesnt make me think its ocd anymore its more like a real problem which makes me feel scared and guilt

My child is sick with atypical pneumonia. So far they’ve been doing well but up until now they’re still sneezing and coughing on my items and now all I’m thinking of is literally throwing things out, and not knowing how to disinfect certain complex items like my papers I use for my craft or clothes items, makeup.. just now they sneezed over all my desk items because they were playing around in my desk chair.. and I don’t want to throw anything away but I also don’t want to keep it if I know I can sick from it if I can’t properly disinfect it.. I’m so mentally exhausted..

I have relationship ocd I think and it’s ruining my otherwise great relationship. I have such a loving, supportive, and kind partner but my distress bothers them so much. I was going to be moving in with them in a few months and as I am autistic as well and they have adhd we were going to help support eachother and motivate eachother. I’ve been spending a lot of time with them lately just because they’ve been wanting me around (they used to ask for space and now they want me to be around since we are practicing for moving in together) and I honestly don’t feel like I should move in with them anymore. I feel like I’m too much of a burden. Last night their current roomate’s parents came over since they are in town for Easter and I got really upset when they asked me to participate in a game night with them suddenly. It upset them though that I was so upset about it. I thought I was able to share how I was feeling and they even interrogate me when they think I’m not sharing how I’m feeling and it just makes me question everything- my own feelings and wether or not I’m actually just a huge source of upset and stress for them. They always tell me they love me how I am and care about me and will always accept me but they are getting really fed up with being upset about me being upset. I don’t know what to do because I can’t help being upset and they keep telling me it’s okay that I talk to them about it but I don’t want to. I’m really worried that I shouldn’t move in with them because spending time with them lately has been so anxiety inducing. I even feel like I’m blowing all of it out of proportion and just wish I didn’t get so defensive and upset when they get upset with me for being upset. They used the word avoidant last night and it reminded me that all the times I’ve been vulnerable were just me giving them ammunition against me to trap me later for being upset. I hate this so much and I hate how I can’t feel calm and safe around them anymore because of my own fear of showing distress to them. Last night was so triggering and when I told them it upset me and reminded me of my own parents who have cut ties with me (going on 6 years now) when I came out as trans. I just don’t know what to do because I love them but just see how much I wear on them and upset them with my own feelings and reactions to things. Please help. Also just this weekend is hard anyway. Easter always sneaks up on me and this time of year especially is hard for me because of my past trauma that I experienced during this time of year. I’m so done putting my partner through it and just feel that they are going to leave me soon and just haven’t realized it yet. And Good Friday would be such a good time to make my exit I feel like . My partner and I are going to try couples therapy but every therapist I’ve seen and they’ve seen has basically said that my shame wounds are too deep and that it’s going to break us up and evolve into something toxic eventually (which doesn’t help my own fears of that already). I just wish I had my best friend back and we weren’t constantly fighting about my feelings and me having them and me being afraid to have them.

Does anyone else’s OCD randomly get worse on a random day and all you can really do is just try to survive the day? If so, does anyone have any healthy ways of dealing with this?

Anyone else kind of shoot themselves in the foot by imagining your false memory in such precise detail? Adding certain details, reactions scenery, real trivial details …etc. It’s like I know I’ve done this to myself but it now feels so unbelievably real. I think mine is also possibly mixed with real event which doesn’t help.

I’m really struggling the past few days constant awful intrusive thoughts from the second I wake up!! I know this is probs down to mostly ruminating but why does it feel like I’m thinking these vile things on purpose? Like I want them? Still trying to practise mindfulness but wow I feel very lost at the minute 😭😭

I know that I’ve come a long way with OCD and have been able to do so much and function so much better these past few months. Still, I feel so burnt out. Does anyone else feel like this? I am in the midst of a little ROCD wave. It’s just frustrating. I feel like each time I start to do better with one theme, another theme pops ups and I’m just so done. I feel exhausted and tired fighting sometimes, but if I don’t fight it just gets to the point where I can’t function. I guess, and I know that this is unreasonable, but I thought I would be doing great forever and I forgot that OCD will always be there. I have better tools, so I recover more quickly, but still… not great. Not great at all. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! I needed to get that out.

Sure I wasn’t perfect as a teen but I was better, I was a good person before all my mistakes. Now I constantly am tortured 24/7 seven days a week with obsessive thought over obsessive thought about my past about what I said and did. I’m disgusted nauseated and even typing this I’m realizing my brow is scrunched and I’m scowling at my phone. I wanna restart. Reset things before I was tainted, stained, unredeemable and unfixable.

Why does ocd have to get in the way and ruin everything you’re trying to enjoy I’m tired of it just don’t know what to do

I put too much on my plate. Im working full time night shift, a full time hybrid student, and doing clinical rotations all in the midst of buying a house and adding a third to my long term relationship. i thought i could handle it. i thought that if i wanted this enough that i could make it work but now i feel like my brain is on fire. Working nights has me so paranoid that i have to count my steps out 1-2-3-4 and sometimes feel completely glued to my seat counting 1-2-3-4 over and over to get the feeling of dread to go away. I am constantly ruminating and reassurance seeking to the point of breaking down every time i’m alone. My brain is full of all of the what-ifs so full that it’s hard to sleep. I had my first appointment with a specialist but due to everything going on, i fell asleep while waiting for the appointment to start (Telehealth) Before all of this started my OCD was just the counting steps and bouts of contamination fears and over cleaning but now im questioning my life over and over to point of pointlessness and its driving me insane. i cant do this. i will because i know i have to and it will be over soon but im so scared and i dont know how i can come out of all of this okay and intact with the people i love still around me. i hate who i have become.

i constantly think bc of the way my stomach feels i may be getting cancer or pregnant (not that i’ve done things to make that happen) i just overthink it and convince myself i did and i go crazy sometimes i feel like i have no one to talk to bc no one understands the way my head works.

What I’m looking for Has anyone ever - had an intrusive image - That’s vivid - In first person and felt “close” but you know it’s imagination - But you can still see/maintain awareness of the room you’re in at the same time - has all 4 of these points ever happened to anyone else at the same time?? Edit: AND - they only have OCD as a mental health diagnosis - They’ve never taken any major drugs I know I need to calm down on looking for people exactly like me but I can’t Therapy is booked in tho

still feeling like this :(

…Was one of the most heartless, cruel, and disturbingly ignorant comment sections I’ve ever seen. I genuinely want to scream and sob from the grief reading that comment section has caused me. ***SEVERE trigger warning because these comments were BAD. Please read with caution.*** The post was a girl with contamination fears sharing one of her experiences, where a makeup bag got contaminated by being placed by the toilet. An experience a lot of us can relate to. The comment section? “We know you’re faking this” “This is satire” “Grow up” “boohoo cry p*ssy” “so tired of snowflakes” “shut up liberal” Lots of cursing out and insults… And, one of the top, most liked comments?? “Just a reminder these people can PROCREATE and VOTE!!” I just….I cannot believe the cruelty of this world. This is why I struggle sharing my struggle. This is why there’s such a lack of mental health awareness—because anytime someone speaks up, they are punished and shunned and berated to oblivion! I PRAY DEEPLY that there IS good in the world beyond the horrors of that internet comment section. Needless to say…I won’t be viewing comment sections for awhile.

How do you all handle feelings of isolation? I feel so alone in this and I feel like I will never have a friend or partner that I can really truly talk about everything with.

I want to move on from my past relationship but can't shake it. Everything reminds me of her, and I know I didn't do my best to facilitate the "best" possible relationship. I need to take accountability; however, my life revolves around her. And there's nothing wrong with that because I love her. And I know she's moved on. I have been stuck in the past and still am. I play music sometimes which reminds me of her, and I am filled with joy. I guess I just need to stop. We can all push forward and realise that we are capable. (I say this but I almost contribute nothing to my family). (I have everything). I feel as if she is me and I am her because we are. (Or were. That is a very irresponsible and disrespectful connotation for me I feel not anyone else). I'm so selfish. The last message she sent to me was very respectful, but I continued to pursue her. And it poisons my mind. I understand that there is nothing wrong with love, but is this love or obsession? I've written an entire story dedicated to her but it still feels wrong. Again, I must stop. However, it feels like I cannot. Feelings do not represent the entirety of the situation. I feel lost, but I am not lost. (We are never lost). My father also molested me when I was younger and I feel as if I am the issue with everything. (In the context of my previous relationship I was). I have a sort of saviour complex, but I just need to let her go if I really love her. And me (If anyone is experiencing the same issue or has then I am here to tell you that it is okay). (Your thoughts do not define you, only actions). And by acting like a saviour I become nothing more than a pebble. (Pebbles are good). I am attempting to become my "true" and "authentic" self but feel so fake. I was extremely irresponsible in not thinking when getting my previous relationship. I also gave attention to another girl and I also feel (as I should) horrible. But we're worthy even if we don't think we push forward into the future. My relationship with my family, in my childhood, (Not representative of now) deeply effects me. Everyone is here for the first time, so we must consider everyone. And what my dad did to me was not justifiable. I have to forgive myself, ultimately, for what I did in my previous relationship in order to grow. I am growing. We all are growing. There is hope and light for everyone. I attempting to stay true to my self, but every day is a reminder that I don't really love myself. If I loved myself I would be perfect. (No one is perfect, and I am not perfect). I miss Lauren so much. But I know she is thriving. And I feel like the victim but I'm not. I feel as if she owes me something when she doesn't owe me anything. Not very often "consciously" but subconsciously I think I am a bad person. Which I am. There is no excuse or pity party event that will absolve me. And I embrace that fact. She is so strong. And I'll always admire her. I do not want to be absolved. I am a toxic person. And I always will carry this burden.( But there is nothing wrong with Acknowledging your faults). I just feel if I do one thing wrong, which everyone does things wrong, I will end up being supremely horrible. And I am horrible. (No one is horrible we are all human). I am full of contradictions. We all are, but I feel as if I am the only one. (I know I am not). I wish I wasn't so toxic. And I know wishing won't solve my issues. She was my sun. And she was never "mine," Which I thought. Possession is not love. Neglect is not love. Selfishness is not love. After we broke up, I could barely sleep. And I kept having sleep paralysis. I could literally feel my heart bursting out of my chest when I tried to go to sleep. (I am alright now and know that I am loved by myself). But I am not really okay. I always attempt to humble myself and it's working so far, but it's also not. I guess that's part of the process. There is only me. And I cannot blame anything on anyone, nor do I blame anyone. I am responsible for what I did. And I really want her back. But I know that is not the right thing. I am lost. (Or I feel like it). Always. (My love for Lauren). (I am deeply disgusted by my previous wanting of another woman. I never pursued anything, but I still feel guilty and I shouldn't). But I do feel guilty. We were both not ready for a relationship, I suppose. I must love my self. (I apologize for the grammatical errors).

I’m dealing quite good with my ocd. There are days where I just feel certain about myself and my feelings for my boyfriend. Other days, or even just moments, I am overwhelmed with doubts, like now. If I think about it, I cannot stand to leave my boyfriend, because I feel so safe and loved. All I want to know is that nothing can separate me from him. It’s really hard, sometimes I still think that it’s not ocd but it’s like I’m discovering a part of myself that has been hidden all of this time (I’m 25). Moreover I’m also dealing with past memories that I did not give much importance until now. I do not want this for me. I want to stay with him. I’m also dealing with a lack of attraction sometimes, because if I think about it, I do not get anything, probably because I’m still anxious. Just want to share this with you guys, if someone can relate and write about their current condition it would be very nice to read about you. Hope you are doing well.

i have been a shut in for months now, terrified to go outside. I got into ERP and started feeling better so i applied for a job i really wanted but now that i have an onboarding appointment tomorrow i am having the most horrible anxiety and im dissociating like crazy and i feel like i did months ago and i don’t know what to do. My ERP therapist is sick so i can’t talk to her but im genuinely freaking out because i need this job so bad (prom, birthdays, ect.) but i feel horribly sick and have so much anxiety about it. What would you guys do?