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Having a really hard time living with uncertainty.

for almost a couple months now, i have been writing my thoughts in my notes all when it gets to be too much. i only have 3 entries right now, but i find that it definitely helps with so much built up frustration. i just wanted to share what i had written just now. maybe to give people some hope or motivation. … nothing i love more than being at college with paralyzing anxiety. loads of fun. as i’m reaching the end of this anxiety attack, i’ve been thinking about writing an autobiography about my anxiety and how it’s affected me since i was little. growing up being someone who had a constant anxious feeling whenever they left the house was definitely a struggle to deal with, especially at such a young age. i mean i look back to fifth grade, one of the worst years of my life, thinking i was never going to change my habits of crying at any given moment. i definitely felt judged by my peers and teachers. it was unfair because while i wasn’t comfortable telling people what i was going through, as i felt abnormal from the rest, judging a child for crying over wanting their mom is so cruel and unfair. now being 19, not only has my anxiety increasingly gotten worse, i’ve also gained perspective on how what i’m going through isn’t different to so many of those who can relate. it has definitely been a breath of fresh air to know that. by writing an autobiography, i want to tell everyone all the shit i’ve had to deal with in my mind and just let them know everything is going to be okay. it’s so scary not being able to escape your worst fears, but no matter how detrimental, you can make it through. i haven’t even almost gotten my way through this mess, but i believe i can live a normal life in the future without the constant anxiety 24/7. and there’s my reason to living. i wanna kick anxiety in its ugly ass. with that said, anyone reading this is so loved. please never feel alone and like you’re the exception to not making it through. don’t give the anxiety the satisfaction of winning. you’re so strong, i promise 🫶🏻

So here it goes. These last few weeks have been hell and unlike me and I’m truly starting to question myself on everything. 4 weeks ago I went on a vacation to visit family. 2 days into my trip I was settling down and getting ready to go to bed. I was doing my usual (Watching YouTube) which happened to be crime network which is something I’ve always watched with my boyfriend and never had issues with. Out of nowhere I get an extremely disturbing thought about hurting my family members I was with. This thought absolutely terrified me and made me extremely uneasy. I started acting really weird and went into the bathroom and go in the bathtub to ease my anxiety. That worked and I pushed the thought away taking it as a weird occurrence. The best day started ok. Me and those family members went out for lunch and for some fun activities. I remembered what happened the night prior and thought it was extremely weird. The next thing I know I was bombarded with that thought again. I got the same sense of dread I did and this ended up ruining the rest of the day and that entire vacation. I didn’t know what to think of all this and thought that this means I’m a horrible person and actually wanna do this stuff even though it’s stuff I would never do or desire to do. I got back from my trip and automatically went looking for professional help. As time went on I began to look back on my childhood actions and behaviors. I want to clarify that I was diagnosed adhd. I had anger issues and had a conduct disorder. I was particularly cruel to pets as a child (I absolutely regret all of this). As I have gotten older I have been able to control emotions and have strived to be a good person. I don’t like seeing anyone hurt or in pain. I am even going into nursing school this fall because I love helping others in need. Anyway I really started to analyze all of my actions and ended up convincing myself I’m a psychopath. The only way I am getting relief is by googling everything which only helps temporarily then I have to do it all over again. I first saw dr who didn’t really give me a diagnosis but prescribed me Prozac for my symptoms. I refused to take it after seeing one of the side effects was irritability. I have a fear of taking anything that could do that because I’m afraid of snapping and hurting someone or going crazy. I have also been avoiding alcohol out of a fear that I am going to lose control and hurt someone. A few days later I ended up seeing a psychotherapist and she told me that I am not a psychopath. She diagnosed me with schizotypal personality disorder with ocd tendencies. This diagnosis is what’s been throwing me for a loop these past few days. Because I am in constant doubt I have been googling and reading every article I can find just to prove to myself that I am not a bad person. Somehow I came upon an article that described the batman shooter in Colorado had been diagnosed with schizotypal disorder and that was the reason he did what he did. This is scaring me so bad because I am afraid I am like him even though I do not wanna do anything to hurt anyone. It scared me so bad that I had a literal panic attack because of finding this out. I’m an still very scared and have been looking for constant reassurance that I’m not like this guy. My life is literally taken up by this fear. If I’m not sleeping I’m reading and worrying. I can barley eat and my stomach is in a constant knot. I’ve been checking all of my emotions and this is causing me to feel so numb to everything. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I cannot laugh or barley smile anymore because I am so scared and don’t feel like I deserve to because of my thoughts/diagnosis. My only reactions to my thoughts are now just a jolt of adrenaline and an automatic urge to go to google for reassurance. Does this sound like ocd or is this something more serious?

For me dealing with intrusive thoughts in the form of like words is easy, I could live my life with them and ofc it wouldn’t be easy but, dealing with intrusive images of me doing what the intrusive thoughts said and believing that that image isn’t an image but me really doing it is just horrible, horrifying, awful, terrifying and just makes me asume that the thing did happen and now I’m just reviewing and INCAPABLE of accepting uncertainty because I feel that if I do that means that I don’t care and that I’m not worthy of love and care and that I’m not a person that you can trust and that I’m evil

Anybody else have sleep issues? What helps you fall/stay asleep?

Does anyone have any tips to improve mental health I keep on having suicidal thoughts and I'm always so angry I really need tips to help me deal with this

I wondered if there’s anyone here with experience of OCD treatment in the UK on the NHS? I’m having no luck at all and feeling quite isolated without an official diagnosis (I am diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder). Their OCD questionnaire was based on very typical OCD symptoms such as excessive handwashing, so my results got brushed off. My symptoms show quite differently, but I am 99.9% sure it’s OCD. Also, I know how much the NHS love CBT (I’ve had about 5 rounds of it - only works for me in the short term) but does anyone have any experience of other therapies on the NHS such as ERP? Thanks and hopefully this reaches some brits :D

it’s way too convincing today. i feel like a monster, it feels like the truth. it feels like i’m a killer who’s going to hurt their family. i truly truly do not want to, i cry and cringe at the thought. i love my family so much, more than i can explain so why? why do thoughts want to convince me that i want to harm them? why when i feel okay i get the thought “you want to hurt them” “you won’t feel okay unless you do”. everything was fine a few months ago, none of this would cross through my mind or even trigger me. isnt that enough proof? surely if i truly wanted to do this it wouldn’t just come up suddenly? but what if it did? i’m so scared but now it feels like the truth, and i can’t live with that. i don’t want that for me. i want to see my family grow old with me. i want to be with them. i’m crying so hard right now. i understand thoughts don’t equal actions, but the thoughts are already bad enough. sorry the rant, i just can’t calm down right now.

Hello NOCD community! This is my first post here, so not sure how it works haha. This is a relatively new theme that has cropped up over the past few months, and historically never really worried about until recently. It all happened initially because of a prickly interaction with a friend. A good few months ago, we were really good friends, we’d hang out multiple times a week, she’d invite me places, we planned to do trips out together etc. I would always be someone she thought about when wanting to do something at the weekend, and vice versa. But I noticed towards the end of January, she was becoming increasingly distant from me, making little jabs directly at me that were about me. She wasn’t asking me to hang out anymore. Just really unexpected behaviour from her that I couldn’t understand. It’s important to mention that I had done nothing to provoke this behaviour. She mentioned that she made a few new friends, which of course wasn’t an issue, and I was happy for her that she had met new people, but didn’t see how this justified her not wanting to hang out at all anymore. A day or two after this, I saw on her Instagram story that she was hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends (and we’d hang out as a group a ton usually) without me, and it made me feel just really sad. I (probably stupidly) messaged her when I saw this and kindly implied that next time I’d like to be invited as it’s something I would’ve liked to join in with too. She was immediately so defensive and unempathetic, and I was taken aback by how curt and rude her response was, from someone who I’d considered a good friend. After that interaction I was so worried that she hated me and never wanted to be friends again. The stress of this was so much that I couldn’t eat, and made me feel sick to my stomach. It was genuinely all I could think about. I saw her in class a few days later and I apologised for what I said in the message, and asked if we were still okay. She said yes and we made up, and it seemed like everything was fine. But clearly it wasn’t, as we never hung out again after that. even though I would ask her if she wanted to do something with me, she would constantly turn me down, every single time. I was fed up and confused. I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to hang out anymore, despite the fact there wasn’t really any reason why we couldn’t. We would talk in class but outside of class it’s like she didn’t want anything to do with me, which felt so bizarre as we’d been so close for ages. Since this experience, I’ve made some new friends, but am always overanalysing what I say to them so as to not accidentally offend them, out of fear that they’d never talk to me again. I am constantly worrying that my friends all hate me and even the tiniest interactions will make me doubt everything. If anyone has experienced something similar and maybe has any sort of explanation or advice, please do let me know! Thank you!

Anyone else here have a hard time moving on from conflict? Like you will “resolve” with your partner and decide to move on from it… but then in your moments alone you rehash everything in your mind? We will come to some type of resolution, but then when we are apart, I will think of the fight and analyze what we fought about and how we fought. Then I will bring the issue back up again with my new discoveries and it starts the fight all over again.

Today was not a good day. My anxiety got in the way of hanging out with my friends and I planned to do this but I just couldn't bring myself to go far away from my house because of anxiety. I can't help but feel they're mad at me. I felt so depressed about this that I just ended up relapsing to porn. Then my usual fears of seeing someone underaged in the videos were there so I just click off anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and try to look up the age of models. While doing so, one model was named Daria, so I looked up her username to check, but it had a sexually insinuated word in her name and search results came up for an underaged fictional character. I know I didn't mean to look for this character but it still makes me feel awful. I just feel like garbage overall. I don't know how my anxiety and self esteem will ever get better.

Honestly trying to live every day to “save” people is exhausting. My days are filled with tasks to ultimately “save” somebody from harm. In my rational mind I know it’s OCD but why take a chance. In my mind I suffer so no one else has to. Exhausting….

I had very very bad se*ual dream about someone I shouldn't have. Does my dreams show what I actually want? why even it came in my mind

Does anyone else suffer with harm ocd the way I do, sometimes I feel like I don’t even have ocd and like these are my actual thoughts when I started ocd I would feel so bad for thinking what I was thinking and I would cry everyday but now I just feel numb and like I don’t feel nothing I can’t even cry I’m also on antidepressants so idk if that’s affecting it but it’s like the only thing holding me back from doing my actions is like thinking I could go to jail or ruin my life or regret it later in life & it’s like I tell my self or my mind that whatever it is and it like gets mad that like I can’t do it and it makes me feel worst because it makes me feel like I actually wanna do that and ugh it’s like a constant battle everyday because it like gets mad for not being able to do that because I obviously know it’s something bad and will ruin my life.

I come home and my partner is waiting for me asking how my day is watching just general chatting and I’m annoyed, that they’re waiting for me. Probably a trigger from a previous relationship. Why can’t they just get on with something? Why do they need me? Then I start to panic and think oh God now I don’t like them. I’d rather be on my own. Should I tell them how I feel or is that confessing? Start over analyze start to think I can’t be in this relationship. Start to think I’m a bad person start to think I’m never gonna be able to have a relationship if i have thoughts like this. Is this just another OCD moment? If so what ERP can I do?

I know exactly where it comes from. There were times where I was treating horribly as a kid but other kids. I remember when a kid hit me in the second grade and I hit him back, but I don't know why he would do that. I had one kid constantly telling me to shut up for no reason, and I was never really good at socializing. I remember one kid calling me a derogatory term, which I'm surprised he even knew the meaning of at such an age. In middle school, I was widely disliked by a group of girls because I tried to tell one of them that I liked her. They didn't like me for the ENTIRE school year. I tried my best to figure it out but just couldn't. They just didn't like me. I was bullied from time to time in high school. Someone threw books at me and pretended not to notice and someone pushed me when I was walking down the hall but I pretended to not notice. When I was a kid, I don't think I truly knew I was being bullied but by the time high school rolled around, I knew. I still remember the time a girl pointed out the fact that I do have friends in a sarcastic manner. I really didn't have any friends in high school because I fucking hated high school. Nothing good came out of it up until I graduated pretty much. Just when it was actually becoming something I liked, I graduated. I had friends and people that did like me, but I didn't know how to deal with those that didn't. I think don't, inner voice wise. Now, because of those awful events, I have severely low self esteem that truthfully I don't think was ever at a high point in my life to begin with. Aside from this, I have generalized anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. I want to hang out with friends at a place that's pretty far from where I am but I'm having trouble going through it because of my anxiety. I tried not to tell them it was my anxiety but they weren't good enough reasons so I just said it was my anxiety. I always get anxiety when around strangers and I don't really make efforts to talk to people I don't really know that well, or at the very least I'm not comfortable around fully. I hate this shit

Sitting here at the tire shop watching people who seem so normal. Just going about there day. Can they tell I have OCD. If they knew what would they say. I feel like everyone can tell how weird I am. I have so much shame and guilt. Anyone else feel this way?

I lost my job after 10 years with the company because they combined our office with another office. My anxiety, depression and panic spiraled out of control. I was so afraid I would never find another job and lose everything I had and have no insurance. I got a new job within 2 weeks and was sure that would solve all my problems, but I continued to get worse. I went to my new job and pushed through one week and ended up in the hospital due to my high anxiety and OCD. I have been so many different drs since trying to get the help I need. I finally found a dr that has me on Prozac and I am working with NOCD. I just can’t seem to get rid of the fear of losing the new job I just got. It’s such a scary and sick feeling.

I am getting confused When i am taking 5ml syrup of flunil I can easily do erp on my ocd Why my doctor decrease my dose to 2.5ml Its getting hard to manage ocd and anxiety Many reactions are coming out from me If i dont take ssri its effecting my nrml life also and its getting hard to do erp Suggest me someone what should i do Again i am getting scared thus i have to take ssri for lifetime 🙄🙄

Do you think this looks like a cavity? I am scared to get a filling because it can’t be undone and my ocd tells me I can’t candle it and will freak out and end up pulling my testy out because I can’t handle knowing there is a foreign object in me. I have a toothache tho and saw this. I’m scared