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The visuals just seem so real and are so scary ! I don’t want to visualize any of these things!

I’m being haunted by something that happened in my relationship about 2 years ago. It’s worse than any event I’ve read here, so I understand if I cause disgust in this community by contributing some of my obsessing about this event to my OCD. Basically, I went through some struggles with alcohol a little while back, and this started as a result of me struggling to cope with a different horrible event that I caused. I was drinking excessively and often in secret. I’m not sure how much of a factor the alcohol plays in this event, so maybe it’s not even worth mentioning. Around the same time, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she thought that she might be transgender (MTF). When she initially came to me about this, she wasn’t really certain, and although I was a bit shocked I was very supportive of her. She started therapy to work out these feelings, and while I went through my own struggles and worries about this new information, we were actually doing pretty well. Until one night when she had therapy. I had been drinking that day, but I don’t remember the amount or how intoxicated I actually was. I would usually wear headphones when she was in her sessions (they were telehealth), but for some reason this time I made one of the worst mistakes of my entire life. I listened in on parts of her session from the other side of the door. I think I even stopped and came back to hear more. I don’t remember exactly how this came about. I think I passed by and heard her talking about me and my curiosity/lack of morals got the best of me. I heard her talking about me for a bit, but I also heard her say that she was now very sure she was trans. I didn’t know this (nor did I have any right to know this), and in my selfish, intoxicated, and mentally ill state, I went to the couch and had a bit of a breakdown. I don’t remember how long I eavesdropped on her. It could have been anywhere from 4-15 minutes. Any amount of time is too much. I am horrified by what I did to this day, and every time I think about it it sends me into a total spiral. When she was done with her session, I asked her leading questions about how sure she was that she was trans (so not only did I betray her trust, but I had the gall to question her about a part of what I had heard). She told me that she was absolutely sure. I went into a state of bargaining and disbelief, trying to be accepting and kind while also panicking about this change and what it meant for our relationship. I kept asking if she was sure, almost hoping that I could get her to think about it more before deciding. Horrible. Then out of guilt and horror over my actions, I quickly confessed to her that I had eavesdropped on a portion of her session. I think I minimized how long I had listened at first, but I corrected myself on that as well (I don’t remember how quickly though). She was understandably upset and disappointed, but not nearly as much as she had the right to be. She should have screamed at me and probably left my ass. But she still remained kind to me and we talked about the importance of me respecting her privacy during her future sessions. She went to take a bath, and I was so overcome with shame and self hatred for what I’d done that I ended up self-harming. I didn’t mean for this to be manipulative, but it was yet another horrible choice made based on my impulsivity. I ended up confessing this to her as well, not for her to take care of me, but because it was a bit more severe than I intended and I felt so guilty for having the audacity to hurt myself after everything I’d done. And that’s about where the event ends. It’s been about 2 years, and I still can’t believe that I have done something so horrifically disrespectful. We’ve talked about it so many times, and somehow she forgives me and it no longer bothers her. I have put myself in her shoes, and I would be so upset if someone did to me what I did to her. I ruminate over the details, google similar events and read peoples feelings about what I’ve done, try to remember exactly how long I eavesdropped for, what I heard, if I downplayed anything else when I confessed, and try to remember how intoxicated I was (which doesn’t matter at all). I always feel the need to confess more and to repeatedly bring this event up and apologize/ask how she feels about it (or if there’s anything I can do to help her heal). I take so many precautions now to make sure that my girlfriend feels 100% safe and secure in therapy. I have never done this again, I’ve discussed my actions in my own therapy, and I always leave the house for the entire duration of her sessions (even though she says she trusts me to wear headphones). I initiate conversations about what I did, how it made her feel, and if there is anything else I can do to show how sorry I am and guarantee her emotional safety. I consider what I did emotional abuse even though she doesn’t. She thinks that the event was bad, but my OCD is exaggerating my guilt and shame. I disagree. What I did was truly monstrous and how I feel as a result is the only way any sane person would feel after doing something like that. What I’m struggling with is accepting her forgiveness, kindness, and her desire for me to try and move on. I’ve read that what I did is a dealbreaker, and I can’t disagree. How are you supposed to accept such incredible kindness and acceptance from someone you have betrayed so severely? How am I supposed to feel like it’s ok for me to accept her love and continue our relationship despite what I’ve done?Especially when you have a pattern of horrible, disrespectful behavior? For some reason she still loves and wants me, and I don’t want to take away any more of her agency to make her own decisions about her life. I love her more than anything. She feels unheard when I talk about how I’m worried she shouldn’t forgive me, that I’m an abuser and she deserves someone who would never think of doing such a thing to her. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much therapy I get or how much work I do to change. My life feels like one long series of irredeemable actions. I’m sorry for the long post. I needed to get this off my chest. I understand that this is unacceptable and probably not even OCD related. I understand that most people would hate me for this (trust me, I hate myself a lot) and that I don’t deserve to still have such a loving relationship with this person. I just need help figuring out how to live with myself. Thank you for reading, and I’m so sorry to anyone who’s suffered because of pieces of shit like me.

Does anyone have experience of feeling like this all the time? I can’t be around people arguing or bickering or making fun of each other. I flipped my lid today because of it. I just feel under threat. Probably something I should take to my Dr rather than bring here but someone might know.

I changed my baby’s name amidst a postpartum panic attack and ocd episode. We immediately changed it back (she’s a month old now), but now her birth certificate will say it was amended. I am so happy we changed it back bc we love her name. I didn’t want her to have a name we didn’t love and picked in a low moment for me. But now, I am really worried about the repercussions this will have on her as she goes to get a job, married, apply for a license, etc. So even though I feel we made the right choice to give her the original name she was born with, I’m down a rabbit hole of the ramifications of that. How do we avoid going down this rabbit hole? I don’t want to live like this forever and think about it all the time as she grows up; fearing for the worst.

I have two beautiful healthy young boys. This OCD has sucked away all of my joy and being able to enjoy parenting and being with them. Being a mom has always been my whole identity and dream and I was thriving in it until I was hit with OCD. It is the most distressing thing that it is sucking away me enjoying these precious ages with my boys that I’ll never get back. I am so distraught. Anyone else who has kids on here who deals with OCD? How do you cope?

Anyone ever experience you feel like your thoughts are so loud before going to sleep and then I start to ruminate on the fast that what if I hear voices and then it leads me to more anxiety idk if this is normal or my ocd or what this is

My psychiatrist wants to put me on anti-depressants. I’m not depressed. In fact I am a super active explorative person who is definitely part of the ‘glass half full’ group. I told them no, because I don’t think I am at the stage of needing medication, and I have been making progress with CBT practices. However, I am interested if anyone is treating OCD with a form of anti-depressant and if it has worked? I know micro dosing mushrooms has lots of information on how it improves mental health and helps especially with OCD. Unfortunately this is not legal where I live, and I’m hoping to find other avenues that aren’t a hard medication. I have a sensitive body…if that makes sense.

Has anyone else on here had a miscarriage? If so can I ask how long it took before it got “better”? Like did it start to hurt less over time? I had one almost 2 weeks ago. Mine was only 6 weeks but I miss my baby so much. It hurts everyday and I don’t know how to healthily escape this pain.

When u question a memory and ruminate the whole day whether it happened or not, does it mean it didn't happen?

I think I cheated, should I confess? Even before getting into a relationship I feared being a cheater. When I got into my relationship 4 months ago, well that fear increased because of my intrusive thoughts. I didn't have a problem acknowledging people were attractive, but I would always respond with "I won't do anything with them" I would avoid staring at them, speaking to them, or being close to them. I feared future situations such as drunk cheating, wanting to cheat, or accidentally flirting. If I had to interact with people I found attractive, I would make my intentions clear. I am long distance, and I am attending a new school with no friends. I had one person approach me and try to be friends, but since I found her semi-attractive I didn't entertain any further interaction. One of them, I wasn't able to stop interacting with, however. Up until now, I only talk to her if I have to, she gave me her phone number texted hello, and I never responded. I was ok with having thoughts, I knew that no matter who I was with, I would have them anyway. I knew that I would never cheat. I didn't mind all of these avoidant behaviors either, as long as I was protected nothing mattered. Last week, I was with my classmate in the lunch line. As I spoke to her, I began to have thoughts "her eyes are like my girlfriend's" "Her laugh is adorable" I argued against these thoughts, but I also had feelings of attraction. I began to feel uncomfortable, and wanted to desperately run away. I calmed down and reminded myself that they were only thoughts. But then, I remembered that a day prior, I had gave her a flirty look. I began to get worried and went online for reassurance. I calmed down, because I knew that it simply happened, and that I had no ill intentions behind that look I gave her. Days later, I had barely recovered from an event that occurred after. I was scared of even going to school and being around others. In math class, my classmate sat next to me like usual. We had interacted previously only about math work and I had also had intrusive thoughts about her before. This time, I felt urges and thoughts with no anxiety. I was like "great, now I can't feel anxious about things" I felt uncomfortable and wished that she wouldn't interact with me the entire class period. I was sitting in a way that was close to her, and I made sure to put distance between us. I started to sing lowly, and my intentions were to cheat, to impress her, to make a move on her. I felt no anxiety, but then I realized everything I was feeling and thinking and I stopped. Panic and guilt began to fill me up. I decided not to ruminate, not to ask myself "why did I do that?" "Why would I want to cheat?" "How can I fear it so badly and then do it on purpose?" But despite that, it did not work. I'm always so sure of my intentions, and sure that I would never cheat, but now I have done something and I don't know what to do. It has been on my mind since then, I feel panic and guilt, and the need to ask myself why would you that if you avoid it so badly? My appetite has been lost and my heart is constantly beating rapidly. I don't know what I should do.

POCD has made me lose all my self identity, i dont know who i am anymore. Im really tired, when will this horror end.

I don’t know what relationship ocd is like I’m not trying to label it but I have been getting mean intrusive thoughts about my husband sometimes or others. It hurts me because it’s not at all who I am or want to be and it’s new. I just miss the old me before all this worsening ocd. Stuck between telling him it’s happening but not sharing the thoughts just so he is aware of how I’m currently feeling. I hate OCD soo much. If you guys have any tips it’s appreciated. I have a therapy appointment off of here tomorrow so I’ll be sure to bring it up but rn it’s hard. 😔

Can SOOCD start from a feeling of false attraction? Feeling like I’m the only one whose started this way making me think I’m in denial :( another tough day of rumination!

Hey guys I’m really scared of loosing touch with the reality.. I’m scared that everything around me is not real or objects that’s something else than what it really is.. can anyone relate?

how i get over not finding my girl attractive? ion like ts. it gives me way too much anxiety & it starts to make me feel distanced or cold towards her. honestly it makes me feel vv guilty idk . she dont deserve sb who dont find her beautiful 24/7 …genuinely whats this fix?

Does anyone else ever just get caught in bed all day to avoid everything? I know it’s avoidance, but I called out of work for really no reason besides I didn’t want to deal with my stress, anxiety and then my SO-OCD. Anyone else do this? How do you get out of this funk and back into life?

I've been taking 50 mg of fluvoxamine for almost 3 weeks. The doctor said I need at least 200 mg for OCD, so I will gradually increase the dose. This is not my first time on SSRIs. I was on citalopram for almost 2 years because of a depressive episode, it worked well but I remember it made me feel tired all the time. That's why I'm scared to take a higher dose of fluvoxamine. Has anyone ever taken fluvoxamine? Can you tell me your experience with it? I'd really appreciate it.

scared im a p for getting with/talking/dating someone two years younger than me. i did it when i was 16. they were 14. i turned 17 then they turned 15 like 20 days after. they were in my friend group at the time and we were friends and we ended up getting drunk. i talk to people older than me, my age, and younger, but my limit is two years. im scared that makes me a p.

Just don’t even want to get out of bed I’m trying to stay positive and be grateful for my life and realise how lucky I am to be here and alive but sometimes I just feel like I can’t get out of bed and get on with my day alone. It’s 12:38 and I need to get breakfast but I’m just feeling so guilty and scared of my own brain and feeling like I don’t even know who I am anymore Feel like I’m gonna relapse. Why is it so hard to fight these thoughts I don’t fucking want them!!!!! Leave me alone how am I meant to know what’s me and what’s my ocd Just feel so angry and fed up

I'm a bit confused on ERP. I understand not doing a compulsion in response to an instruive thought, but the planned, on purpose exposures confuse me. For example, I'm ordering a new phone and I had an instruive thought that said "When the phone arrives, you're going to take, soap, toothpaste, olive oil, etc. and put it on your phone before you put the screen protector on." A weird thought, I know. So now for exposure, I need to do what the intrusive thought says? I imagine I'll worry that I've smeared something on my phone before I put the screen protector on. I don't actually want to smear anything on my phone, I think that could damage it. But, for exposure, are you supposed to do this? It's confusing. What makes sense to me, and what I come back to is just letting the intrusive thought be a thought, and not doing a compulsion. That makes sense to me. It's the extra, planned exposure part that confuses me, and honestly gets me stuck in a worry cycle about ERP/CBT therapy itself.