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Having an awful night

a few months ago, i discovered all the porn my partner had liked on twitter. it was around like 900+ posts. thankfully, he stopped watching as soon as i told him how much it hurt me, but i still couldn’t shake off the feeling. it hurt me so much because i ended up comparing myself to all these women, who looked nothing like me. it really brought my self-confidence down. especially whenever we were out in public, i couldn’t help but think that he was thinking lustful thoughts about every women we’d encounter. eventually, we navigated through our feelings, & i worked on gaining back my self-confidence & feeling worthy again. however, certain things still trigger me to feel that same “hurt” again. i no longer compare myself to others, but i still get triggered & feel like my partner still has eyes on other women. it’s draining. whenever he mentions other girls, i feel so enraged. & i get mad at him, but i end up feeling so bad because i know he didn’t have true bad intentions. this makes me feel so sad because before i discovered all the porn, i never ever felt this way. i want to get better for myself, & for my partner.

Tonight was the worst night I have had in a long time. I'm so tired of frustrations that I almost don't care what it takes to stop feeling this way. Tonight these two kittens and their mom were trapped so that they could go to a foster setting. I was told by the trapper ahead of time that they didn't need any help, except that they did. They came by in the morning to trap the cat and kittens, but the cats were bedded down, so that plan didn't work. In the meantime however, I wasn't able to get work done because the trapper needed me to call the cat and shake the food bag. I really didn't want to be involved because I don't want the cats associating me with this memory, even though I won't see them again. But I'll agree to helping because I know it's for the cats own good. Finally after a couple hours they give up and say they'll be back around 5. OK, no problem. I already told them I was going on site for work later, so I'm not to worried because I probably won't be back home by 5. I get into work even later than I planned because of the way this disrupted my day, and the extra time it takes me just to prepare to go in, due to ocd stuff. I also told the trapper I had a telehealth appointment for my talk therapy between 5 and 6, so I won't be available, but after my appintment I find that the missed called that occurred was from them. They also sent a text saying that they were coming at 6 instead. Well, it's 6 when I got the call, and I'm still an hour and 25 minutes away taking my therapy call in my car at work. So I sent a text back and said, no problem and that I'm not home yet. Now, with the interruptions this morning, and rushing to go to work, I realized on my drive in that the only nurishment that I've had at this point is a pint of chocolate milk. I figure I'll get something when I get to work, except everything is picked over. So, maybe I'll grab some food when I go for my call at 5, which was only about an hour and a half wait at that point. I take my call, and afterwards, I decide I'm just going to head home and eat there, because it's already 6 o'clock. On the way home, another text. Trapper say they aren't there yet, but they are going to be there at 7:30. I reply ok, I'll probably be getting home around that time anyway. I get home and I don't get to go inside to eat or relax because the trapper needs my help again. We caught the mom and her 2 babies, and the whole process sent my anxiety through the roof. I was happy that the cats were going to have a better life, but I felt horrible about trapping them and I just wanted to put my clothes in the hamper and take a shower. There is a second mom that has one kitten, so we were also trying to trap them. The whole time my stomach is growling, but now I need a shower before I can sit down to eat. At 9:15 the trapper say she is going to call it a night and get the trapped cat/kittens where they're going, and settled. She asks me to keep an eye on the trap so that we can still try to catch the other mom and kitten. NO FRUCKELING WAY! I mean, I'll tell you whatever you need to hear, but as soon as you drive off, I'm triggering the trap and going inside for a shower. Normally I would be heading to the grocery store around 10pm, when it's quiet, but guess the grocery store isn't going to happen tonight. So, ok, one foot in front of the other. First thing, let's wash my hands. Dang it, my hand hit the faucet. Ok, more soap and wash again. Dang it, it happened again. This must have happened about 9 times in a row. Well almost in a row. I stopped two or three times to shout a string of profanity that could be heard 2 miles away. Now I have gotten my shower, but I still need to get my laptop out of my car, I need to wash my cell phone and my credit cards that were in my pocket. I'm just so fricking tired of ocd and I want to stop feeling this way. I hate this, and I hate getting caught in situation like tonight, where someone else's poor planning affects the plans I laid out, which are frigging essential for me to be able to function at all. I'm just tired and the progress I've made in getting away from these feelings, feels like it translates to a enormous risk when those feelings spring back with a crap ton of potential energy. I hate this life that ocd has made for me.

Has anyone struggled with OCD about Faith and Repentance? Like I have heard so many sermons on either side, one saying that you need to repent to be saved, and the other side saying that repentance is a work, and this has spun me out on my OCD, because I was like, “Either I believe and teach that Repentance isn’t necessary for salvation, or I go to hell for believing in a works gospel. If I am believing salvation is just by trusting Christ alone and no repentance is needed, many say that is a watered-down gospel sending people to hell.” I was just curious if anyone has struggled with this or has any answers that could help. Some people are afraid they don't have enough works to prove their faith, but I am worried that I am relying on works even the slightest to prove my faith and that I am trying to work my way to heaven by even subconsciously thinking my works are contributing somehow to my salvation because they prove my salvation is real. This has been a real struggle for me and I would appreciate any help.

Im having such a hard time trying to figure out if l'm bi or lesbian while IN a relationship with my boyfriend l'm so confused someone please give me some perspective I'm desperate to just feel okay in my relationship again without feeling guilty or confused about if I'm truly attracted to my partner or men in general. l'm questioning everything.

TLDR: I’m about to start a competitive medical school program, and need advice for how to navigate panic attacks during ERP, since starting this fall I literally won’t have time to deal with panic attacks during classes and clinicals. I’m going through a bad flare up with OCD, and I also deal with a panic disorder on top of that, and my OCD lovessss my panic disorder lol. Short background; This is my third time dealing with it heavily. My first time I was in middle school. My second time was a bit over a year ago, my first semester in college. It took over my life, and my grades were bad during that time because of it. I learned how to properly use ERP, and actually recovered very well. Unfortunately, at the beginning of spring semester in college this year, I started dealing with intrusive thoughts and OCD again, and had gotten so comfortable not having to use ERP, I let the anxiety take over and developed another OCD spiral. It wasn’t “that bad” at first, but because I neglected ERP and kept doing compulsions, it’s gotten pretty rough. Yesterday I had my first panic attack in a long time, as I was doing ERP and having 10/10 anxiety. Im trying to approach this realistically; since I’ve been doing compulsions for a good while, recovery will also take a while, and if there’s one thing I know, is that it’ll get worse before it gets better. Classes start in a little over a month for me, and I will NOT let OCD take over my life and ruin my grades like it has before. Does anyone have advice for navigating a busy lifestyle while also prioritizing ERP? And any advice for as peacefully as possible going through panic attacks during ERP?

SO-OCD sufferer here. Here’s the thing I’m struggling with. I am gay (m) and have never been interested in having sex with a woman (my ocd would say otherwise). I used to be able to be around women in revealing clothing and would think nothing of it. Suddenly I’m super triggered by any kind of low cut t shirt, or really anything that shows a little cleavage, skin, curve, etc. I get visibly uncomfortable around women in anything even sort of revealing. At work I get scared of staring at their chest, then get scared because if I feel an urge to look at their chest then I worry about why I’d even be paying attention to that area if I really am gay. Growing up all of my closest friends were girls and I’ve always seen women as being my friends and nothing more, I HATE that I get these intrusive sexual thoughts and feelings, and I’m so scared that its all real and I’m just pretending to be gay to be “different” or just for attention or something. Anyways if there are any other gay dudes experiencing this I’d like to hear your thoughts and experiences. I’ve never met another gay guy that goes through this and just wanna feel less alone in it

Hello everyone, My therapist cannot diagnose officially, but I want to look into next steps regarding getting an official diagnosis and how to go about that. My husband keeps pushing me to get diagnosed, but I keep getting locked into a thought spiral - telling my therapist would mean telling them about my behaviors, which could lead to judgement or them thinking I’m overreacting; getting referred to someone that can diagnose means calling and getting a primary care physician, which means calling and figuring out what to say, which means sitting in a doctor’s office with sick people, which means bringing up things to a doctor, etc., etc…I just keep psyching myself out. I’ve denied having anything wrong, but have noticed my symptoms are getting worse. How did you go about those first steps, and what was it like? Thank you so much in advance.

So today was pretty tough it feels like my OCD is in full swing. Last night I drank a few beers and was wondering if anyone else had really bad ocd flare ups after drinking the night before. There’s also other factors I’m sure worth it being 99% outside and my first day back to work in awhile have affected it to

i know alot of other people experience this but i’m just so worried that i’m not attracted to my partner anymore like i remember when i was with them before i felt like turned on or whatever and really attracted and for the past 2 weeks it’s been a lot less intense and i don’t know why, i think it could be because I’ve been EXTREMELY stressed lately and my period started yesterday so im not sure but im scared

One last kitten video to share before they move on to their new foster home with even more treats, toys, abd friends. https://video.nest.com/clip/2f15d90d4d2448baa018a1f4c49c23ad.mp4

Video games. I'm losing my enjoyment over them. I either get annoyed at a game, angry that I'm losing because I just can't help but take it personally I guess, or just flat out bored with games I'm not really used to. They just aren't what they used to be. Idk if it's because of OCD or depression or anxiety or whatever, I just no longer enjoy them. No matter what I do, a competitive game just puts me in a bad mood even if I'm trying my absolute best to not take it personally. It just happens.

i need help with this im going to start sobbing and I really need someone to talk to out loud that also has ocd , these thoughts im dealing with right now are having me panicking too much ,please I really need someone to talk to even through text

i literally cannot breathe sometimes. All my thoughts are focused on God and I cannot make them stop. Every time I try to pray it’s like something is blocking me from having a true, chill, and honest conversation with God. It’s so bad and it hurts so much and all the bad thoughts come at me and fight me and i just need to breathe. I’m so tired…

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing okay with my obsessions for the most part, at least with not getting too overly anxious but I still do a lot of compulsive behavior. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff recently, along with health fears that my OCD is picking up on a lot. I just feel like with all that is happening and my stress in life right now, it’s causing me to relapse to bad habits I had in the past. I feel alone to be honest, I’ve been using dating apps tying to meet new people and trying to see if I can connect with someone. But with my stress and falling back to old and bad habits, I just feel gross, pathetic, and unworthy of love. It’s hard, I don’t have many people to turn to. Is there anything you guys do to help with low self esteem and stress relief?

I told my doctor that I was having bad anxiety due to ocd health related problems. So she prescribed me this as a temporary relief. However I saw the side effects saying it could cause cardiac arrest and I'm kind of regretting even taking it now. I don't have anything wrong with my heart that I know of but like I already get bad ocd thinking I'm gonna have a heart attack. Then to find out the side effect of this one usually is with the heart it's kind of making me not even want to take it anymore. I don't want to panic over it but now I'm worried that I should of taken it in the first place tonight.

This fear is very complex cause it comes from 2 extreme side, one being that the only thing you have to do to be saved is to believe in Christ and accept him as your saviour, and the other one is that it's not enough but it makes me spin then cause i feel like im not saved, cause i question many sins if they are really sins, and i feel like i do it to still act on it and its a way to speak myself into doing them so i dont feel bad about myself which is pride i think. But the first one makes me angry, cause people are abusing Jesus death. In my opinion the "Just accept Jesus and you're saved" view is false, yeah you dont have to do anything, but if it doesnt show up in your life that youre accepted Jesus, you're not saved... It makes me angry cause i see people who claims that are christians and they still act the same way as before, they still live in sin, and these people would say they are saved cause Jesus paid it all... thats abusing his sacrafice... There are things that are hard to leave like drug or alcohol addiction i understand, but its an excuse to still act on it cause Jesus already paid the price for future sins too... I even heard someone saying " a christian who is abusing at home like beating his wife and childrens, but he accepted Jesus in his heart he is saved" this is so wrong. This sounds like its made up just to make you feel better. Its like an excuse to still live by sin cause you will be im heaven cause you accepted Jesus. I just cant accept this view it sounds really wrong. I feel bad for those people, i feel bad that i judge them, but it still not right. Then its like we dont have to fight sin, just accept Jesus... But as a said the other side makes me go crazy, im afraid im not really saved cause i still question which sin is actually a sin. Im watching Mark Dejesus, he has good videos, but when he talks about feeling like everything is sin, he brings up things that are clear that arent sins like doing something you like, going for a hike, drawing, or i read that some thinks that taking a shower is a sin, or going to school. You can tell this is ocd, for me, im obsessing about the grey areas. About joking, watching scary things,saying bad words but not in a harmful way to others, just randomly say one if i accidentaly hit myself or something,thinking about sex(this was a big one) and with this i realized it might not be a sin cause how you educate yourself about sex? You have to think about it. It seems like its a sin when you do it to satisfy your feelings or youre thinking about someone else. But in a normal way, it seems like its not a sin. But im overthinking this too.

looking for someone to chat with maybe?

Hello, I just started therapy not too long ago for my contamination OCD and happy to finally be here. Almost right away I started feeling a little better, but recently found a mouse in my house. Mice are at the very top of my trigger list & im just sad because I feel that the progress I had been making is all gonna go down the drain. I feel trapped in my room rn because of certain tiles in my house that the mouse ran on top of. My family members without OCD are constantly stepping on those tiles & spreading the germs all around the house with their shoes. They also have no problem picking things they just stepped on off the floor without washing their hands afterward & going on to touch other things in the house. I know I can’t control other people, but it’s all just making me so anxious & I’ve locked myself in my room rn. But even then I don’t feel completely calm in here because I kicked my door open with the tip of my shoe and thought to myself “what if the mouse also touched that part of your door? Now the tip of your shoe is also contaminated”. I don’t know what to do and feel so exhausted all the time thinking like this. If anyone has any advice that would be great & sorry if this post is long/doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Please someone leave any advice or similar stories. I had identified as bi and then had fears about my sexuality a few years ago, and decided on the term unlabeled to describe my sexuality to anyone who asked and it made me the most comfortable because i was confused about my romantic atraction and sexual attraction towards women vs men. Recently, seemingly triggered by pride month and people discussing comp het, while in a relationship with my boyfriend I have been dealing with fears of wondering if I'm really attracted to men at all or what attraction really feels like and being sexually aroused by explicit images of women I had seen by accident. I am worried that I am experiencing comp het or I'm in the wrong relationship or I'm going to hurt my boyfriend. I have also voiced all of this to him and he is there for me, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I have other anxieties about my relationship and worry if those are ocd related or not as well(such as worrying about limerence) but I'm just so terrified. I feel that just because I have ocd that doesn't mean I can have these experiences that other queer people actually have and it makes me worried that I coukd go years without ever knowing just for one day to know and my whole world to be flipped upside down. I'd rather die than for that to be my reality. Someone please leave advice or tips it's all so appreciated.