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I really feel I misunderstood my attraction to men with seeking attention and empathy from them , i have evidences 😭

Hello I am new to this but I have this intense huge fear of developing or becoming slowly schizophrenia. I have a parent who had it and every since then I fear I will meet the same fate and I want the thoughts to stop I have ADHD and GAD and some depression lately and all that fuels my fears cause I don’t understand all my disorders but I question my reality and it scares me I feel blank at time and I feel scared all the time with what ifs playing over and over and then I get stuck look for reassurance and certainty that I am ok. I have three boys and one has autism who self harms and when I try to sleep I fear I will believe my dreams are real and loosing my mind and my reality and my anxiety goes up more. I don’t know what to do and there are no specialist near me that can help and I can’t afford anything and this app doesn’t accept my insurance I really want to feel better and not be stuck isolated and scared to leave for fear I will show signs in front of people and not realize when I will be gone from reality I wanna cry everyday and I feel like I need to run away. Can someone please tell me I am not alone. And the more I read about it the more I get confused or believe I have those things. I am scared help 🥺

Does anyone else deal with rocd that latches onto partners morals/different opinions? Me and my bf talk about social issues/opinions and what we would do in situations on call sometimes and in some areas we agree, but a lot of things we have different opinions. My ocd treats it like MY opinion is right because it’s the most common opinion I see on the internet and if my boyfriend has a different view/ doesn’t see things as big of an issue as I do or vice versa my ocd tells me “you need to overthink about this he might be a bad person he has a bad view!!!!” Like one thing is that he believes you can joke about but not hate a certain community, like for example, he makes gay jokes that could possibly be offensive to some, when actually he does not care if someone is lgbtq+ or not, he will treat them like anyone else and be friends with them, he just makes little jokes now and then. He will have stronger views than me with some things and something I think is serious, he won’t think is serious and my ocd does NOT like this 😭 it tells me my bf has to have the exact same views and morals as me or he’s a bad person

One of my biggest fears is going insane/going into a state of psychosis and harming someone sometimes it feels a little to real and i start having panic attacks to calm it down… I genuinely hate it because i know i don’t have schizophrenia or have gone through psychosis but my mind obsesses over it 24/7.. it gets frustrating.

I’m gay, and I’ve always viewed gay porn to get off, but ever since last year, it’s been difficult to actually do that cause it feels like I’ve grown..well, bored of it, but it’s the only porn I can and will ever view. But there’s times when I’m trying to enjoy it and then these thoughts show up in my head and it feels like I’m getting excited by it but I always stop cause I don’t wanna touch myself to something like that yk? But it hasn’t stopped in so long and I don’t know what to do. Even when I’m not doing it these thoughts sometimes give me feelings of “excitement” as if I’m really being turned on by them, can that be related to porn addiction too? I can never EVER look up cp or anything violent, but could these thoughts be showing up because I have a porn addiction? There was a time when there was a thought stuck in my head and I still felt the urge to just watch porn and touch myself but the thought was still there, even when I finished. And it was unfortunately very vivid. I cried and kept telling myself I couldn’t be this person, but the thought was there, I felt the need to do it and I still did it. Wouldn’t that prove that I am what I think I am? How can I enjoy watching gay porn for so long then out of nowhere I somehow want something else? I don’t want to do harm to anyone underage, I just want to understand how this could happen and if this is all still part of OCD or I’m just a porn fiend. Cause the saddest part of all of this is, I still want to watch and enjoy myself to GAY porn, but Idk how to do that without the thoughts showing up. If that’s even what they are anymore.

Anybody else with Magical Thinking OCD? I feel like it is the most rare kind, I can never find stories or other people who relate to it. For example, turning off the light switch a certain way until it feels just right, otherwise something bad will happen to me or my family if I don’t do the compulsions. I also have a very hard time with like, if I forgot to say goodbye to someone when leaving a place, or sometimes I’ll leave for work and realize I didn’t give my daughter a hug before leaving and I will seriously go back home to do it before I go because otherwise I’ll have horrible anxiety. Same thing with leaving my wedding ring at home. I’m also so afraid of how it will affect my daughter and if it’ll cause her to have OCD as well because of seeing me do my compulsions and routines. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. It started getting really bad when I was 19 and went through a traumatic event, but I know that I’ve had OCD for my entire life. When I was little I slept in my parents’ room because I thought my own bed was cursed and something bad would happen to me if I slept in it. Things like that. It started being *severe* once I got pregnant with my daughter, and has only gotten worse since then. (About four years now). I search tirelessly for success and recovery stories with my form of OCD, because I just want to know that someone stopped doing their compulsions and everything was okay. I always feel like that’s what it would take for me to start the ERP therapy and actually stop doing my compulsions. Just looking for someone who relates I think really.

Relationships are so difficult, even without OCD, and yet some people make it look so easy, it hurts. It’s never been easy for me, and it makes me feel like I’m just not meant for love. I found someone that I liked, that I felt initially drawn to, but when you stop admiring someone from a distance and start putting in the work it becomes tough. I was quickly met with things that I thought were “weird” or “cringy” or “annoying” and I started obsessing and it scared and stressed me so much, because I finally found someone that I actually wanted to be with, but my preoccupation and obsession over his flaws made we worried that it wasn’t right and that it would be taken away from me…by myself! I felt like there were two parts of me fighting inside, and I wanted it to stop. We’re now dating but I’m still obsessed and worried all the time by the flaws that bug me so much. I keep feeling that if they bug me this much it means I don’t like him, and I’m trying to learn to accept them and live him unconditionally, but it’s difficult. Like I struggle being in public together with my bf and our friends because I obsess over the way he acts when he’s hyper and trying to be funny and cheeky. I obsess over how his voice sounds so much different when he’s more energetic and hyper and trying to be funny. I keep feeling bothered by it, and then feeling worried that it bugs me, or that I find it cringy or annoying. I don’t know what to do. I want to stop worrying so much, but how do I get past these uncomfortable feelings that I have towards his social personality and idiosyncrasies. I want to learn to accept him in all settings, but I’m struggling. And I feel so anxious when plans are made to hang out as a group because I know I’m going to feel icky towards my bf, and it’s worrisome. What do I do. I’m so exhausted, but I want this relationship to work, I don’t want anyone else.

I hate that there are fictional characters that are underaged that people clearly sexualize or put in suggestive media. I don't know how people can do this with no kind of remorse. I get that they aren't real human beings but that doesn't take away from how disgusting it is still. I don't know why people do this and I don't know why its so easy to run into when watching porn.

Anyone else? I am sure I have contamination ocd for quite a few year’s now and something that I think I do since all that time ago was my ocd was frustrating my family and my mum wanted me to not be doing my compulsions for my contamination ocd like excessive washing and rewashing I had a lot of other compulsions too and still do but because I didn’t go and get treatment for it I didn’t really know much about treatment and just was struggling with the ocd as one does with compulsions and the feeling I couldn’t stop it so I just tried to remove myself from it from instead of I’d get trigger with my ocd doing what I want to be doing I’d instead would not do what I’d want to be doing how I’d want to do it cause then I wouldn’t have to feel my ocd and I in turn didn’t have compulsions or the anxiety feeling , and now sometimes a lot of the time I do this on purpose and sometimes I don’t do what I want to do on accident and it works out the same of litterally not having the ocd experience like I’m skipping that problem , and I’m trying to not do this by finding what I want to do and therefore getting triggered by my ocd and it’s compulsions which is hard for me to not do what my mum wanted and for me to do what I wanted and have ocd be a struggle with me that I can face does anyone else have this experience too? It was a choice of mine not a compulsion that takes me and took me out of my life but also my ocd experience. I still choose to do this to feel safe and to get to away from ocd for the old reason of my mum but more is left no reasoning just for the action now

Whenever things get really bad for me mentally I retreat to watching porn and then I fall back into my bad habits and it usually lasts for a while. But then I see things I won't want to see and I get disgusted and click off. Then there's things that surprise me in a video and it makes me uncomfortable and then I click off. I know it's not what I want but it still bothers me because it's simply OCD. I just can't wait to get out of this place in my life. I hope meds will help me and put me back on the right track. Worst of all is when I click a channel that I'm hoping has what I'm expecting but it has very nasty things on the front page and questionable characters in material and I just click off completely. It's all part of the surfing. This has been happening for years now and I just want it all to stop. Both the porn addiction and OCD. It's a bad combination but I just don't know how to cope without going back to it when things get really bad.

Hi all, I’ve been struggling with Clinical Depression for 4 years and OCD for 2 years. I just wanted to take the time to vent about what I’ve been going through mentally. I feel as though this is a safe space to talk about my mental health and I hope that whoever out there is struggling like me, you’re not alone. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been having suicidal ideations because I’ve felt I’m not good enough for anything and have been stuck in a cycle of negative overthinking. It wasn’t until 4 days ago I fell into a depressive state. I was bed bound all day yesterday and cried on and off. I understand MDD and OCD go hand in hand together, so fighting this depressive phases feels 10x harder to fight. I don’t feel deserving of nice things or to enjoy life, so I isolate myself as if I’m putting myself in timeout for not being good enough. I don’t want this depressive episode to last long like it normally does. I’m not in therapy, so I try to help myself logically by reading academic reports and studies about people who struggle with MDD and OCD. This is my version of the first step in exposure therapy. I normally tend to isolate myself, but that gets me nowhere so I want to be more involved in a community that understands what it’s like to have OCD and Depression. I’m going to force myself to get up and take action. Even if it’s just something simple like making my up bed, then at least I accomplished something. Fighting depression is exhausting, but being extremely depressed for 2 month is even worse and I can’t let that happen again. If anyone has any advice or just want to talk about what they’re going through, please feel free to comment and talk freely. Even if I’m struggling, I don’t want anyone to struggle alone like I’ve been. “Everyone has strengths and limitations. Having OCD is one of my problems, but that doesn’t mean I am a complete failure. There are some things I can do well.” -Jonathan Abramowitz, PhD

i have recently started a job for the first time in my life. i've had to stop it temporally because depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety-ocd have all made it impossible for me to work. but the worst of all is my relationship ocd. my partner and i have a lot of conflicts. most times we don't argue, it's just a minimal conflict, but it leaves me anxious for the rest of the day. there are recurrent topics in these conflicts. for example, today we "argued" because she has a lot of dark humour and i get very anxious when i hear her making comments about it. i'm not necessarily against dark humour, but I can't stand HER doing it, can someone relate? my head starts spinning around the idea that maybe we're not compatible and we shouldn't be in a relationship. i don't know what to do. i'm going to therapy (it's common CBT, i can't afford ERP), i'm on meds. im sincerely desperate and my suicidal thoughts keep coming over again and again. i'm not exactly looking for advice, just venting and validation, but any feedback would be appreciated. thank you 😊

Anyone wanna talk ?

I feel so sad I know my body is not the standard and my boyfriend used to watch porn almost every day and I cant stop thinking about it along with thinking of his exes and I feel so sick. I feel embarrassed for ever showing him my body what was he really thinking? I’m so so gross

- any Christian with advice is highly needed ! I’m suffering from pocd thoughts for about two years now, feb this year was the forts time I experienced this I have no relief I always have these responses all the time and I can’t even live in peace it’s so bad and idk what to do I’ve been crying none stop and I just want to know what can help me not get responses anymore These feelings/thoughts make me want to kms..

I have reached a point where I can’t see any family member without a groinal response. I know I’m not supposed to give it any investigation but it’s to the point where it’s all consuming. Any tips on ‘un’feeling?

So.. I'm not okay. I'm not doing okay right now. For this week I haven't really been okay. I don't think I've ever really been as happy as I used to be since high school began. I can still be happy and laugh at things and enjoy some parts of my day, but I'm not fully enjoying these things. There's always things I'm worrying about. There's always imperfections that I notice about myself. There's a lot that I need to work on, and it's been here. OCD hitting me in 2020 made everything in life even harder than it already was. For four years now, I've been struggling with this. Horrible anxiety that is making me question everything about my life. The things around me, myself, and the future. There's things around me that aren't in my control that are bothering me and things in my control that are bothering me. All I can do is try to distract myself from these things, but that's becoming harder and harder. Lately, I've had a terrible relapse in my OCD and it's caused me panic. I was feeling absolutely horrible about something that I remembered a couple of years ago. It led me back to my old habits and everything came back full force. I'm just not happy at all. I'm not happy with myself. I'm suffering from OCD and it's not fair. I have extremely low self esteem, I don't believe in myself often, and all I see are the problems that I have. The mistakes. The screw ups. There are good things that happen, but they never seem to outweigh the bad ones. I really hope medication will help me with this. I can't really take dealing with this anymore. I don't even know where adulthood would have been like without OCD. It hit me when I was 18. In questioning so much about my life and I don't feel like I'm ready to handle all of this. I don't feel like I'm ready for the adult world at 22 and it just doesn't feel like I've prepared myself for this. I'm not really sure how I can to begin with though. There's someone that I fancy in life. They're an introvert like me. We have common interests. I love seeing them. I love talking with them, even if it's not much. I love listening to them talk so much. I just really enjoy their company. But I'm not ready. I don't feel like I deserve to be with this person because of all of my problems that I'm dealing with. My OCD. My 10 year porn addiction. My low self esteem. My worrying. My relapses. I'm just not ready. I'm really trying to just find myself as an adult in the world. It feels like I can't really live my life because of OCD picking on me in any way that it can. I just don't know what to do. I get vivid images in my head. They sometimes enter my dreams. I compared my childhood to my adulthood and it hurts. A lot. I just don't feel well. There's things and people that I'm thankful for. There's things and people that I appreciate. There's things and people that I cherish. I wish those were all easier to focus on. Instead, I'm constantly thinking about things I can't change. Bad habits that I have trouble undoing. Mistakes that I wish I hadn't done when I was younger. Things I wish I knew at the time. Should've. Would've. Could've. I guess I just want to go back to life where I was hopeful about things. When I didn't have any reason to doubt something or someone. Or even myself. Back when I could have so much fun with things without a care in a world. Back when I could truly live my life. I want to cry but I just don't feel like it. I just want to be able to forgive myself. Believe in myself. And not worry about myself so much. I just want my life back. I just want to be where I used to be. I just want to be OCD free.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR CSA AND CHILD ABUSE so I had a friend named Asher He was really okay before he started to traumadump on me He was talking about sh as something normal and I didnt care enough about him to try and do something with it He was also talking about his obsessions,there wouldnt be anything bad in it if I have agreed on that because with my severe anxiety I started to mirror his obsessions,th3y are still with me till this day I only cared about him cause he was alwayd reassuring me and I thinked of him as someone with the aesthetic I like The end of our relation started when he was smoking ciggarettes at the age of 13,because of that I was so scared and disgusted Ive been in a constant anxiety attack for a whole 4 days Then he told me about his disgusting relationship with his parents and sisters It was just making me want to vomit Talking to him was hard But I build a really strong obsession over how he made me feel so I kept with contacting him The thing that made me completly despise him was when we were joking and he told me about how he had sex at the age of 12 while his ocd was really severe I was so fucking disgusted,especially because he didnt wanted to answer on with who he did that I was so scared,I didnt care about him but on how did that affected me I feel complete disgust to him,and I feel awful with it I know he was a victim but the way he said that and just all of this was too much for me(I also have sexual trauma and I hate any kind of sexuality,and the worst part is that I feel complete fear and disgust towards people who got graped or are hypersexual.I know its wrong and disgusting but I dont know how can I help it) I got so scared I had a severe anxiety attack where I could barely breathe It was all so scary and overwhmeling The second he told me that I started to feel this extreme rage disgust and hatred Since then,I didnt talked to him I dont know why but I immediately started looking for new friend I would call in automatically Because I was so fucking scared and panicked All of this made me go into socd episode which lasted for a month or two Now I have intrusive thoughts about "what if something will start to remind you of him" and thats awful I know Im not a good person and Im dissapointed with myself,but when Ill just get a therapist I surely will try to work on it

Trigger - The threat of a sexual assault in a movie. I went to see a movie that I mostly enjoyed. She didn't actually get stripped down and assaulted but she was in a struggle and it almost happened which is terrifying in its own. The way she talked about it is only the words of someone who has been through it. I was overwhelmed physically and emotionally. My heart rate increased and I wasn't even moving. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I stifled my whimpers and even in the dark felt embarrassed and ashamed. It is not fair. He doesn't walk around with this feeling. He doesn't get triggered and potentially have breakdowns because of it. I have to forgive him so I can heal myself. I can't let go of the hate that is eating away at me. I don't know how to do that. Even now I sit in my bed and can feel my stomach turning. Trying not to ruminate. My thoughts are pouring in. How long will you be able to keep this at bay before it sends you into a break down. Do you have the tools to actually work through this? Are you broken? Why don't you want to be touched. Pray. Pray to forgive him. Pray to get rid of this hate. Pray to release this burden. Pray that the Lord will provide the justice that is deserved. I want to see the positive side. I need to be confident that I am able to do this. I don't want to be triggered when I just want to watch a movie. I don't want to fear seeing him in public. I don't want to think about it. I want to forget. How do I make it stop?

Something about my bf is bothersome to me and makes me anxious in public, but I can’t entirely figure out what it is, and it’s so exhausting trying to make sense of it. I can’t tell if it’s the way he acts in public with our friends, or if it’s just the way he sounds when he’s being cheeky and having fun with our friends, or if it’s both, or if it’s neither. I’m worried because the more I try and think about it and try to figure it out the more I feel like maybe I won’t be able to ever handle it, maybe I’ll dislike it forever, and maybe it’ll be the death of my relationship. It’s so stressful and exhausting. I feel so anxious when I know I have to hang out with my bf together with other people. I just want to be able to hang out with him in public around our friends and be happy. I want to stop being so anxious and worried and bothered. > and I want to stop feeling the impending “ick”! < I’m worried that me feeling bothered and turned off by his traits means I should just leave. I want this to work out so badly, but I can’t even figure out entirely what it is that bugs me so much, and even if I did I know it’s not something he can just change, nor do I want him to change. I want to learn acceptance. But how do I learn to accept when it bugs me so much. I just want to stop feeling this way all the time.