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the NOCD Community

Does anyone else fear they have BPD? Or that they’ll develop it? Or have to take online quizzes to reassure themselves they don’t but do relate to some of the symptoms? I feel like it’s driving me insane.

PLEASE READ. Ok so I’ve had these intrusive thoughts for a while and essentially at their core they’re about worshipping the devil. I’ve always been scared of doing a prayer to the devil (specifically out loud). Recently for ERP practice my therapist has had me say the word “devil.” We’ve also watched videos about people who have made deals with the devil and videos talking about the devil himself. These are really triggering for me but I understand they’re meant to be as ERP. However, this stuff has really amped up my doubts and I’m not even really sure how to explain them. Basically I’m doubting if I even believe in what I’ve considered my core beliefs, and whether or not I would want to worship the devil. Moreover the fear of saying a bad prayer aloud has spiked especially because I’ve already said the word “devil” aloud. Then I tell myself that if I do it as a form of ERP it would be fine, but then i wonder if my doing it would actually be as ERP or because I actually want to, which stresses me out more about doing the prayer. I haven’t actually done it aloud but I’m scared of doing so.

I’m stressing really bad. A couple hours ago I dropped my phone in the toilet AFTER I peed. I immediately grabbed it and got straight to washing it. I did probably the worst thing but at that point I didn’t care I just wanted a clean phone. I’m a very clean person and it makes me uneasy when my bed is unclean, my hands, my room, my face, anything really. So this completely sent me in a spiral. I dunked it under the faucet probably 4 or 5 times, scrubbed it with soap, removed the sticker on the back, washed it with a rag, and even sprayed cleaner on it. The outside is clean but I worry about the inside because I didn’t get to scrub that part, obviously. I really don’t want to get some sort of pee on my hands or anything. All or most of the liquid is out of my phone I know for a fact because I used the water eject and saw some stuff come out, unfortunately it was urine color. But then I wiped it off with a towel (really hard) and was just uncomfortable. I started googling as we do, and nothing I found could help. The only things I found was how to take care of the phone but I don’t CARE about that part, I just want to make sure that it’s clean, that I’M clean. My charger is kinda buggy too. I got the notification about water in my phone and freaked out thinking it’s my pee. I pressed ignore on it and continued to charge my phone because it was at 1%, what else is there to do?! And I blew into the speaker a couple times to try and help but ugh I just can’t shake this feeling of disgust and discomfort. I don’t really want to let my phone touch my bed even though i’ve wiped it multiple times now and the water warnings went away. I’d assume my phone is damaged, I know that, so please don’t tell me again. I just need someone to tell me that it’s clean and that I’m okay.

Guys, have you heard about PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections)? This condition occurs when a streptococcal infection, such as strep throat, triggers an autoimmune response that affects a child’s brain, leading to sudden onset of symptoms like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and other neuropsychiatric issues. It is said that if it's left untreated it can also lead to other immune system problems such as Eczema. I've been thinking about it lately & I am seriously considering this possibilities. What do you guys think about it or know about it?

How do I respond to intrusive thoughts. Any examples?

I am feeling hopeless and panicked for the first time. I don’t want to be dead. I want to not have these suicidal thoughts. I am so scared I will be stuck like this. It feels like if can’t get worse. I want to get better. I don’t want to die. Anyone feel like this before and get better?

I haven’t been diagnosed and I do plan to see a psychiatrist either by the end of this month or next to get diagnosed. But even if this is ocd I don’t think erp will work for me, so my main theme that I’m dealing with is harm intrusive thoughts towards others (that are mostly toward my mother) yes a few months ago (April and may) my anxiety would skyrocket each time I had these thoughts (which was everyday even to this day) and what would trigger me would be random TikTok’s of crime, and knives, and being in the kitchen, I would look at backgrounds of perpetrators, and see if I fit their profile. And that would give me anxiety even thought it was a compulsion. But now whenever I do see these triggers, they don’t cause as much anxiety as they used to, and even then my anxiety has waned since then, sometimes yeah I do get anxiety attacks, but not as bad as when this whole thing first started. Even then I guess I do somewhat of erp when I go to the kitchen at night and eat Oreos, but the thoughts don’t go away. Even then I feel so numb and if you were to tell me that I am going to snap and become psychotic I wouldn’t feel no anxiety or just feel nothing(maybe the tiniest bit of fear) but still. I don’t know if erp will work for me which then begs the question if this is even ocd. I really hope this is just ocd and not a personality disorder

is everyone with ocd just destined to worry about every theme? because i didn’t think i could worry about something else but here we are. and what’s even worse is i’m not even diagnosed. anyways, i’ve been struggling with suicidal ocd as of late. i’m having very contradictory thoughts where i just feel sick thinking about having to live the rest of my life with all of this anxiety or just living in general, but then when i think about self harm in any way, i start worrying and finding reassurance that i would never do that. i’ve reassured myself twice today which is usually not common for me, but once that reassuring feeling goes away, i’m back to square one. is this a common experience with people who struggle with suicidal ocd? i don’t understand how it came about because i’ve never worried about anything self-harm related. i’m thinking it was triggered by a movie i watched.

Hey, everyone. So I am a college student going into my sophomore year in fall. For reference I am 19 and have ocd which I found out recently.College is rough for me in social settings especially rotc which requires a lot of communication. So my freshman year in fall I avoided all outings but in spring I got out more and became more involved. I noticed when I got more involved I enjoyed it but it made me very exhausted mentally .I want to get even more involved in college and make friends because I only have friends in rotc and none through the college. One thing that I think about a lot is relationships. I recently left a toxic relationship of 4 years in March. This whole summer I have been wanting to get out again and potentially talk to people again.I have asked around and many people say that it doesn’t matter how long you wait after the relationship but if you feel ready again go for it. At first I felt guilt right after the relationship for wanting to talk to someone else but many people told me that healing is a process it won’t happen right away and it might even happen while talking to people. I feel like there is nothing wrong when talking to people before it gets serious because the mistake with my ex was we just dated straight away we didn’t talk to get to know each other. I want to start talking to people but at the same time I feel like God wants me to wait and be patient. So I am unsure because many people say God will bring the one to you when you are ready but if you seek you might be tested. Also I don’t know where to start with talking to people and finding people it’s like the dating market has changed and every guy that tries to reach out to me wants nudes and talk to me inappropriately.Also I don’t go out much it overstimulates me after a while. I just want to get to know someone and take things slow. Even if things don’t go that way it would be nice to have a friend. I have many friends but I keep all of them at a distance because I trusted my ex with a lot. But now I sit back and realize I never had even a true friend or a healthy relationship. And I know I am still young and their is no rush but that’s why I said to get to know someone before even getting to the relationship part.Any thoughts?

Hi! Does anyone think my ocd could’ve spiked through perfectionism in sports? I play sports at a high level and I’m insanely hard on myself. Is this a thing?

Hello everyone, I'm new here 💗 I have been really struggling these past few weeks with a memory of harming someone. This is all I'm thinking about and its making me feel physically sick with worry. I think I have instant false memories? Where I have an intrusive thought and immediately think it's happened. If I dont check my surroundings and immediately engage with compulsions (checking no one was harmed) then I know I'll be haunted with a false memory a few hours or even minutes later. Is anyone else familiar with this? It's destroying me.

Been struggling with my OCD, ruminating and compulsive behavior. I was watching a video from a podcast called “Cumtown”. One of the hosts, Nick Mullen, was talking about his childhood, being what one would call “troubled kid”. Purposely taking magnets, putting them on the computer screen to damage them and then blaming the mentally disabled kid in the classroom. Awful, right? Well then he talked about a time that he saw two kids playing “titanic” which involved them going to a tent and being unseen by other kids. One kid happened to peek into the tent and turned with a look of horror. Then immediately went to a teacher and told him, then the teacher walked progressively quick to the tent and separated the boy from the girl. Nick, jumping to conclusions and laughing, assumed that “the boy must have been molesting the girl if he had to be separated like from the teacher.” Then afterwards one the hosts asked Nick Mullen, if “he’d ever molested?” To which he responded “… I mean don’t think so, just a kid older than me sucked my dick once…” then laughing uncomfortable. This video really triggered my OCD so hard with images of every situation that Nick Mullen talked about. Of course, how would have I known that Nick would have been so dark about certain situations, however the fact that my brain could picture the things going on with his story really took my OCD to 8/10 in stress. It’s very difficult to cope at the moment and I am doing my exercises to diminish the stress, disgust and anxiety of this situation. I am just having a bad week with OCD and I am not coping well with it, plus I am 10 months sober, so I am dealing with sobriety as well. I am just overwhelmed with anxiety and stress. I don’t know what to do.

Anyone feel there clothes are contaminated due to things from the past? Like “I hung out with this person in this shirt….that person is someone I don’t want in my life….i need to get rid of the clothing because it’s contaminated with the individual”….????

I had a job opportunity come up and the owners of the place are a lesbian couple and that is making me freak and feel concerned about moving forward with this job. my ocd is telling me all sorts of things like that i want to work there BECAUSE of that or that i find the more masculine one attractive. i’m truly spiraling. i don’t know what to do my ocd just keeps telling me it’s true and it worries me that i don’t have ocd and i then worry because i love my boyfriend and it’s just so much.

I fucked up in the past, the individual I did wrong has forgiven me and wants to move on from this “mistake(s)” but I simply cannot. I hate myself and can’t fathom why I would even do or say such things and now all I do is feel shame and guilt. I can’t be in the now and I can’t seem to move on. Please anymore help…..

I’ve been going on dates with this guy. He is so so sweet, respectful beyond belief and what I want in a guy to date. My anxiety/ OCD keeps getting to me because I see him active on Facebook and Instagram and he hasn’t responded to my message for over an hour yet it active on socials. I don’t want to sound obsessive or crazy but I get worried he isn’t as interested. I try to tell myself he could just need to a break from talking to people, he may be bored and forgot I messaged him, etc. but my OCD keeps telling me he isn’t interested, is annoyed with me, etc. I’ve been cheated on before and had more than one time where this exact thing happened and the guy was not interested and kept ignoring my messages and it’s freaking me out. When he does message me back regularly he always sounds very interested in me still and says he wants to go on more dates still but my OCD won’t shut up. Any advice?? I hate that my OCD does this and I refuse to keep messaging over and over first. I don’t wanna look or seem desperate…. Help.

found messages of me and my ex bsf (she’s 2 years below me in grade, two and a half years younger) from 4 years ago of us saying sexual flirtatious things to each other and also sexual jokes. at the time we were two years apart. when i found this i thought i should just take myself out. i feel as though i am a p, i am my biggest fear now. i feel as though i cannot live with myself. im trying to tell myself i was young and we were both young but im scared i groomed her or something. also i just got so disgusted and in fear that this may get out (i told my friend about this and he said im not weird and to stop worrying about it) but im scared i will be called a p and have the label stamped on me. i do not want to be one. i don’t want to even be here anymore.

So for some time my relationship with my partner has been what would be qualified as a “Dead Bedroom” or a “Sexless Marriage”. I am working through a lot of shame and scrupulously from growing up in purity culture and my marriage has been harmed on multiple occasions by my compulsively viewing pornography and attempting to hide it from my spouse. Whenever I feel attraction or sexual desire for my spouse, it feels the same way as other intrusive thoughts (triggers anxiety, triggering BFRBs, thoughts of self harm). The main issue is that, I know that because of damaged trust in the relationship and my spouse’s own mental and physical health issues that these desires and thoughts are not reciprocated. I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship by communicating these wants and feelings, but I feel like trying to squash these thoughts at any cost seems counterproductive to OCD treatment. Anyone else have any thoughts or advice?

I think my life would be a lot easier. This is me confessing in my full selfishness. I don’t care that they’re kind, fun people. I don’t care that they like me or find me beautiful. They don’t need to have my bf as a friend. This is my honest, dark, evil truth. ☹️

Every few months (3-4) I have a flare up of my sexual orientation OCD, but during the periods in between those flare ups I still get the thoughts every day I just don’t have horrible anxiety and I’m able to brush them off better. Is this still OCD? When it first happened it was 24/7 for around three or four months, then got a bit better, but still was there in the background. This has been the case for the last ten years— it has never fully gone away, it’s just been in the back of my head. I’ve never forgotten that I’m afraid of being a lesbian, but there are periods where I’m so anxious I consider suicide. I’m too afraid to do therapy because I think I will come out of it as a lesbian. Please, someone engage.