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the NOCD Community

I don’t even think I have hocd at this point. I’ve begun to worry that I’m just genuinely questioning my sexuality. I’ve always liked guys, but I’ve begun to wonder if that’s just because I ASSUMED I did. Plus I get really scared because I’ve always sorta had something about boobs?? Ahhh idk. It makes me wonder if I’m sexually attracted to women though :// And also, I worry about my personality. I’m not extremely confident, and I’m not the kinda girl who can be ‘flirty’ with her friends, because I’ve always feared it’d make me look gay. But any other girl that does it doesn’t seem gay to me. It’s weird. Or like, I feel weird complimenting girls’ boobs and stuff. And I always wonder (and worry) if I’d be the ‘man’ in a lesbian relationship because of this. Not that there is a man and woman in a lesbian relationship. I don’t even know why I think like that. I’m not a girly girl... I’m sorta just a girl! I’m feminine, but I worry I’m not feminine enough. Which is dumb, I know. I just worry that my friends could ever think I have a crush on them or something. I have friends who are bi, but I’d never wonder if they like me, because they sorta just have that ‘dainty’ personality? Ahhh idk!! They’re just girly I guess? It’s so hard to explain :( Honestly though, if I was more feminine and self assured, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was bi. I’d embrace it! Which then makes me worry I’m closeted right now because I fear what people will think. Or I fear my friends will think I like them. Oh god.

I hate that im missing out on the life i wouldve had if i didnt had hocd

Has anyone here recovered without therapy??

I told my boyfriend about some of my intrusive toughts and my ocd and other stuff that I don't know if they are real or not or if i'm thinking straight or if it's my ocd.. He doesn't know if he wants to break up or not and I never felt broken like this ever before. I don't know if i am a bad person or if it is my ocd. All i know is that i feel like shattered glass. I'm surrounded by people yet i feel so alone and empty

Im crazy devil

I had a major breakdown last night in front of my husband and he said that it’s fine but I know it’s frustrating for him bc I deal with relationship ocd. He told me he just wants me to be myself. Which isn’t so easy when u are so confused by all the contradicting thoughts and feelings in my head. I also felt REALLY intense pains in my chest today where my heart is. I’m really afraid that my anxiety will ultimately cause me a heart attack. I’m CONSTANTLY STRESSED and I’m afraid it’s actually killing me.?

I was at the gym today. There’s a gay trainer at the gym. My mind can’t stop imagining me and him in a relationship!! I can’t stop the imagines pops into my head! They’re soo intrusive they make me feel so sad! I don’t want this thoughts!!!! This is not me is not what i fucking want!!! Anyone can relate?

Having POCD is the most damaging thing to ever happen to me. Like even if I get better or even if I get cured, the compulsions will always haunt me. I've always wanted to be a famous person. And my naive ass still has that dream, but if I get famous, I really wanna talk seriously and raise awareness about how extreme OCD can get. The problem is, how do you explain all this shit to people who don't have OCD and also convince them that youre not a genuine freak. How do you explain that "oh some people with POCD willingly think of sexual scenarios to check for arousal" or "Some people with POCD masturbate to their thoughts to see if they can achieve an orgasm and some of them do by pure stress response" and also how am I going to explain that I've seen rare cases of people with POCD who try to find CP in order to see if it arouses them? How am I going to explain this to people without them being like "so where is the fucking line drawn? Just because none of yall have ever hurt a child means that we should trust you?" It's bad enough as is that just because that one dude with OCD comitted a heinous crime and already people are pulling out the "its his mentol ewness that made him do that" shlock but also the fact that I've read that in extreme cases some folks with HOCD test themselves out with same-sex partners. Like to a normal person saying all this shit basically looks like I'm trying to paint a paraphilic disorder as an anxiety disorder problem, but at the same time it is what it fucking is and I still haven't seen anyone with POCD hurt any child. Just because there are some bizarre cases of desperate and extremely anxious possibly teenagers doing dumb shit doesn't mean that POCD isn't or has never been a treatable anxiety problem. I talked about this with a friend and she was like "why would you have to talk about any of that when you can just keep quiet?" Because it makes me feel like a creep in disguise. Yes, compulsions have made me do gross things but at the end of the day it was all self-harm basically. It never had anything to do with doing harm to anyone but myself. Yes people with OCD have the choice to resist compulsions, but if you don't even know whether or not you have OCD and you're not working with a professional, most likely scenario is you're gonna give into a lot of compulsions. People don't choose their compulsions as OCD is highly-individualized and different for everyone. And there's no such thing as a compulsion where you hurt a child to test yourself. That is absolute bullshit. I'm upset, because there was a study by this dickhead that was like "people with HOCD regularly or excessively look at gay porn. If CP was accessible, no doubt that people with POCD would be seeking it out too." ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. Whoever wrote that can fucking choke. I'd rather die than see shit like that. FUCK OFF. These fucking mental health researchers are crazy sometimes like someone tried to test how high pedophiles and other paraphiliacs scored on the Y-BOCS test.....What the fuck was the reason for that? Can you do something more productive? I am upset with how horrible this disorder is and how much nobodys ever gonna get it. I want them to get it, because OCD is treatable and harmless, but people are too busy trying to milk their own perceived moral highground to try and take this seriously. It's bad enough that most of us can't be convinced that our OCD is actually real and is OCD and that we aren't being lied to by our therapists or whatever, but if the more severe cases of OCD get exposed to the general public we're gonna have them reinforcing that to us too. I feel completely hopeless and I honestly wish that the people who would raise their eyebrows at someone who has severe OCD, do something to make fictional CP illegal, instead of being willfully ignorant at already tormented people with a harmless mental disorder. Like I seriously can't even look at erotic fanart of a buff rugged adult fictional character without having the most disturbing shit pop up in the "recommended images" section AND THIS IS GOOGLE IMAGES like this isnt some nasty smut website I got on. If people really cared about the safety of children they would be doing everything BUT making people with POCD feel like menaces to society.

I’ve just had the freakiest moment. My ocd is related to losing myself and last night I was just let in bed and instantly felt like a different person. It’s like someone just went and rewired my brain right there. Since that moment, I haven’t slept all night. It’s like my subconscious doesn’t want me to. Like I’ve tried and pushed the moment out my mind, but my alarm just went for college and I can’t believe I’ve basically been awake all night bc I’m hanging. Idk what to do, I’m so scared. I feel like this is real. I’ve had depersonalization and it doesn’t feel like that - it feels like someone actually just went into me. Anyone had this??

Does ROCD include fear of being cheated on or that your boyfriend will leave you or is losing feelings for you?

Someone please read this. I’m suffering a lot with pocd. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It truly makes me feel evil and disgusting and I’ve never hated myself more. The worst part is I have a younger sister who I absolutely adore obviously but now I’m afraid to be around any younger kids even though I know they’re just scary thoughts. I can’t help but think that I should stay away from them even if I have just had these thoughts cross my mind. I feel like this feeling is never going to go away and it’s ruining my life I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t live with this ‘secret’ because I feel like I’m hiding an evil trait. And I can’t stress enough how much I know that they’re not my true thoughts and of course I think it is disgusting and the most vile thing I could think of. And I think that’s why it distresses me so much, because it’s my worst nightmare. But never the less the thoughts are still haunting me no matter what. I really need help because I can’t imagine living with this forever but I can never see it fully going away. When I think about the future even, I feel like I can’t live the life I want because all I’ve ever been sure of is that I want to be a mum and now I feel like I cannot be. What can I do, I feel so helpless and out of control of my own mind.

I’m so tempted to do something that I know I’ll regret but these thoughts feel so real and repetitive. I even got a memory back when I was 13, my friend made a comment on my appearance and I got aroused down there. Like at that point it has to be denial. It’s difficult to be mindful and accept it as a thought because what if I’m suppressing an important side of myself? I can’t just be going around calling it OCD (although that’s what my therapists thought/think)

How would you go about speaking to a doctor about OCD? I’m going to my doctor tomorrow because I’m having a really bad time with anxiety and depression and I keep blinking a lot, twitching quite badly and I’m having awful intrusive thoughts that I could hurt someone or myself or that I’m gonna die like all of these stresses about every little thing in the world and I don’t know how to cope with them on my own. I don’t know how to approach this because sometimes it takes a long time for a doctor to understand struggles and I’m only 14 so they always blame it on puberty and hormones, but I know that it’s not. Usually when I go to my doctor they send me on my way like you’ll be fine. Can someone please advise me on how to tackle this issue? ?

I need help... even just someone to talk to. I feel so far gone right now that I want to just give up. I know this would all be easier to deal with if I wasn’t trying to do it alone, but I can’t get myself to let anyone in.

How has ocd negatively impacted your life? Has it interfered with having a job?

Hadnt had intrusive thoughts in a while but these past few days have been filled with them and it’s so scary I don’t know how to handle them anymore

Need support ... has anyone ever had thoughts that maybe you sexually abused someone in the past? I keep worrying what if when i was a babysitter in high school what if i did something inappropriate to the kids? This is causing me so much anxiety and doubt. Is this ocd? Is it really me? Please help. What if i really did something? I can recall doing anything like that but what if i did? Has this happened to anyone? Any support would be helpful

Oh gosh, just went on empty closest and reddit about Hocd and I don’t know what to believe anymore. What if I am just really in denial? And this is all just true about myself!

I was watching a video of myself and my best friend (in the vid we were 9 and btw we’re still best friends) and I’m so sad because I used to be so happy and I would go back to that time. Back then I used to live in Russia and ever since I moved out of Russia my mental health had been going downhill. I don’t know why, it’s been almost 3 years since I moved and a month after I moved I began have harm ocd. Idk why. I really really miss my life in Russia and maybe it’s because I’m separated from my whole family (my family lives in Russia, my grandparents my cousins my aunts and uncles). I’ve never thought about it like that before but now I think about it I really got sad after I moved. Moving country can be hard I guess

Sometimes I worry that I seem / act gay... if that makes sense? I mean, you can’t exactly ACT like a sexual orientation, but I worry I come across as though I am less feminine or something. And then I worry that the only thing stopping me from coming out is the fear that my friends would think I liked them. And then TOCD also ties into it by saying I’m not girly enough. Argjkdjhdhdhfhfhch. I do think that the way I come across massively links into my self confidence though. I’ve always thought that if I had an amazing body and all that, I’d act like more like myself because I’d be confident and happy. And if I became a girly girl, I wouldn’t mind being bi or something because my friends wouldn’t think I liked them. So if I were more confident, I’d be less reserved and shy and therefore I’d seem a different way. Ahhhh this sounds so dumb! I don’t really know what I’m even saying anymore...