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the NOCD Community

Do you think one day in recovery they’ll be a day I don’t think about the fact I even have ocd?

I have never dated anyone bc of the fear that ocd would flare up too much and cause problems but this time i have taken a leap of faith and thought to myself that whatever ocd is gonna throw my way I will deal with it cause that's what I should be doing cause I can't not do anything in my life. What are your tips to when my ocd flares up due to me dating

Hello everyone. My name is Cathy and I have severe intrusive thoughts that seem to come out of no where. However only one thought at a time. I fixate on that scary thought for days and days and my anxiety builds up and up. I try to then attack the suggested catastrophic thought such I may have this disease or going to die from that disease or rot in hell etc. scary thoughts always. I try and do a ton of research on line to counter attack the thought trying to prove it wrong and this helps me but if I can’t find something that proves I won’t get the disease or have it already or prove other things too depending on what the thought is, it doesn’t help at all and can make it worse. Is anyone out there experiencing what I have. I don’t have ocd cleaning or washing or checking but have intrusive scary thoughts.

I have 3 questions: 1. How do I stop ruminating over a workplace incident? 2. How do I remember all that what was said during the incident, to ensure I won't be painted as an angry emotional woman, without having to ask another co worker what happened? 3. How do I think before I act? I was thinking of writing a note on my desk saying "5 4 3 2 1 before reacting". So I can fully be present anytime I speak. I wish our lives were recorded so we could play it back to therapists... Anyway all I remember is I was working & the co workers in the next cubicles were chatting away about the women they were attracted to in the office (they're married men). Anyway, someone came to ask our section for assistance I asked that they help him out cause I'm really busy. The one co worker started complaining, so in order to prevent problems & a dispute, I just helped the guy. But I don't know if I said anything more? Possibly & most likely ...but I can't recall. But now I'm ruminating cause the complaining co worker has started gossiping about the incident around work. It's being brought back to me & I'm confused cause I don't remember anything else.

Hey guys, this is my first post here. I am a 24 year old male. I had a traumatic experience in a doctor’s office when I was 4 years old. I apologize for the nature of this, but I had developed a strep infection in my anus. It became bad enough that to get a test sample, the doctor had to stick a cotton swab that was several inches long and attached to a screwdriver handle up there. Even at 4 years old, I remember being so humiliated and thinking about how I inconvenienced my family by being sick like that. Years later, even what I imagine are normal bodily sensations could drive me to believe there is an infection inside of me. My senior year of high school, I had a civics teacher who showed the class a film starring Tom Hanks known as ‘Philadelphia’. In this film, Tom’s character is diagnosed with HIV. As his coworkers suspect his illness, he is blindsided by his employer to discover that he has been terminated from his position. As he is ridiculed for his condition throughout this film, his physical state and symptoms progressively get worse. Seeing his sickness play out, I would also become queasy at any scene where a patient receives an IV needle or is hooked to a machine. As well as HIV/AIDS or even cancer, I am seriously concerned for the condition of my thyroid gland. My father was diagnosed with Graves’ disease about 2 years ago. His condition was never discovered until his heart went into atrial fibrillation one morning. Seeing my dad as scared he was, hooked up to all of those machine, it was horrifying. As scared as I felt for my dad, it became worse when they said that Graves’ disease and thyroid issues can be genetic. Since this took place, I have consistently worried in the back of my mind for my health. I am so afraid to go to the doctor and get stuck with a needle. I am trying to get into therapy at my clinic, but the staff has displayed zero urgency in getting me an appointment and it always turns into a game of phone tag. I never receive a call the day they say they’ll call. When I call myself, they tell me they’ll know by tomorrow. I just need help in overcoming this constant fear that has plagued me for years now. I am so tired of being in my head. I want to be happy, to be healthy, and to be a providing spouse. I want to be the best version of me that I can for my wife. This is my first post here, I am so sorry for its longevity. I just need an outlet and people who understand what it’s like to live this way. Thank you all.

I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance. Just venting I guess and I don’t mean to sound like a baby. But I just feel like I’m meant to be alone and it hurts. Like not only when it comes to friendships but relationships as well. I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother and ik those aren’t big dreams but they have been my dreams since I was a teenager. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for that. (there are many reasons behind that thinking; i’d just rather not get into it) I know I have people on here to talk to to an extent and I’m very grateful for that. But y’all don’t know me on a deep level and ofc I don’t expect you to. Idk I don’t wanna start rambling. Thank you to anybody who even cares to read this

sorry for bothering, for posting too much. but can ocd cause you to sort of.. change? i’m scared i will change. right now i don’t feel like typing all extra with a bunch of emojis and hearts like i usually do. it was usually to represent my values of love and kindness and positivity. but i don t feel like doing that. i feel like typing like this. i’m worried that i will lose my values/morals. i’m scared i am becoming a less emotional or empathetic person. i’m scared that i forced myself to be that way in the past. i’m worried that i don’t know who i am and i will never truly know who i am or feel at peace with myself or my values. i’m worried that because of this ocd i am changed forever. i’m even worried that it isn’t ocd anymore.

So idk how to explain this well but anyways, for the past 2 weeks I've been struggling with sexual orientation ocd and figuring out if I'm maybe Bi or not but everything I think I am I feel like it's not the right word. But anyways my problem I'm struggling with right is Trans-ocd? Idk if that's the right term and I apologize if that's not the right word to say with this subject. But for the past month ( I'm a female btw) I've been noticing more of like masculine features on my face, for example like my jaw or the way my eyes look etc. Idk how to explain it but yeah. And sometimes when I put my hair up I can see it more. And I'll admit like dang, I'd look decent as a guy if I was one? It's just something that would pop up cause I have pretty strong confidence of how I look usually. Like I'll wear a bag that doesn't match my outfit and idc or I'll go to the store looking like I got out of bed but idc cause I'm just comfortable I guess. But anyways, idk I've just been very confused if I'm trans? Or want to be or idk. I will say it does distress me when I think about it. And when I put my hair up sometimes I'm like oh I look more like a guy in my head and it'll stres me out but I'll try not to give in to the thoughts. Growing up I've been kinda tomboyish, I liked a lot of guy things and the toys and comics and all that. And I dressed like casual I guess. But I use to like wearing ties and guys clothes cause I thought they looked cooler or just nicer. But I would have my female clothes and I thought I looked okay but not comfortable I guess? But now I wear anything pretty and I'm like I look good but sometimes I just wanna get back to wearing my t-shirts but idk. I'm just so very confused right now and it's stressing me out. I also have a bf and idk if that's why I'm more stressed out cause I just don't wanna disappoint him I guess? But also I don't know. But also growing up I always dreamed of being the princess and having all these like women fantasies or for example if I read fanfixtion I always was the girl cause I liked the guy and so on. But on a side note, when I cosplay for conventions or dress up for Halloween I usually like to dress up as guy characters since I was in middle school cause we'll my fav characters were always the guys and I wanted to dress up as them. And I felt cool but I didn't think about trans stuff at the time as a kid. I was just dressing up. But I guess recently I dressed up as a character from JoJo Bizzare Adventure as Jotaro which is a guy and I thought I looked so good but I wore like a cute tight crop top for the shirt and stuff. So I like mixed it up and had my long hair obviously. Idk I'm just confused. Like does me dressing up as these guy characters mean something more behind it? I just can't tell anymore if I'm having some type of trans-ocd theme or if it's a desire ? Like am I secretly wanting to be trans and don't know it yet? Or am I just overthinking as usual? I'm just confused right now. I do think I'm having a identity crisis right now. Just so stressed out idk what to do or where to start. I know a lot of female cosplayers cosplay as a guy or male character but idk I just feel like when I look in the mirror I sometimesnjust see more guy features than a women? But not too long ago I was praising my female body and even drawing it cause I thought I looked pretty and felt inspired to draw my body so I'm just so confused rn. I'm sorry for the long vent and if the sentences don't make sense. I've just been so stressed out. I want to ask my bf what he thinks but he'd probably just be like huh. I know you're not supposed to ask for reassurance here. I'm just asking more if someone is or has gone through this or what's your opinions on what I said? Thank you for anyone who answers

So idk how to explain this well but anyways, for the past 2 weeks I've been struggling with sexual orientation ocd and figuring out if I'm maybe Bi or not but everything I think I am I feel like it's not the right word. But anyways my problem I'm struggling with right is Trans-ocd? Idk if that's the right term and I apologize if that's not the right word to say with this subject. But for the past month ( I'm a female btw) I've been noticing more of like masculine features on my face, for example like my jaw or the way my eyes look etc. Idk how to explain it but yeah. And sometimes when I put my hair up I can see it more. And I'll admit like dang, I'd look decent as a guy if I was one? It's just something that would pop up cause I have pretty strong confidence of how I look usually. Like I'll wear a bag that doesn't match my outfit and idc or I'll go to the store looking like I got out of bed but idc cause I'm just comfortable I guess. But anyways, idk I've just been very confused if I'm trans? Or want to be or idk. I will say it does distress me when I think about it. And when I put my hair up sometimes I'm like oh I look more like a guy in my head and it'll stres me out but I'll try not to give in to the thoughts. Growing up I've been kinda tomboyish, I liked a lot of guy things and the toys and comics and all that. And I dressed like casual I guess. But I use to like wearing ties and guys clothes cause I thought they looked cooler or just nicer. But I would have my female clothes and I thought I looked okay but not comfortable I guess? But now I wear anything pretty and I'm like I look good but sometimes I just wanna get back to wearing my t-shirts but idk. I'm just so very confused right now and it's stressing me out. I also have a bf and idk if that's why I'm more stressed out cause I just don't wanna disappoint him I guess? But also I don't know. But also growing up I always dreamed of being the princess and having all these like women fantasies or for example if I read fanfixtion I always was the girl cause I liked the guy and so on. But on a side note, when I cosplay for conventions or dress up for Halloween I usually like to dress up as guy characters since I was in middle school cause we'll my fav characters were always the guys and I wanted to dress up as them. And I felt cool but I didn't think about trans stuff at the time as a kid. I was just dressing up. But I guess recently I dressed up as a character from JoJo Bizzare Adventure as Jotaro which is a guy and I thought I looked so good but I wore like a cute tight crop top for the shirt and stuff. So I like mixed it up and had my long hair obviously. Idk I'm just confused. Like does me dressing up as these guy characters mean something more behind it? I just can't tell anymore if I'm having some type of trans-ocd theme or if it's a desire ? Like am I secretly wanting to be trans and don't know it yet? Or am I just overthinking as usual? I'm just confused right now. I do think I'm having a identity crisis right now. Just so stressed out idk what to do or where to start. I know a lot of female cosplayers cosplay as a guy or male character but idk I just feel like when I look in the mirror I sometimesnjust see more guy features than a women? But not too long ago I was praising my female body and even drawing it cause I thought I looked pretty and felt inspired to draw my body so I'm just so confused rn. I'm sorry for the long vent and if the sentences don't make sense. I've just been so stressed out. I want to ask my bf what he thinks but he'd probably just be like huh. I know you're not supposed to ask for reassurance here. I'm just asking more if someone is or has gone through this or what's your opinions on what I said? Thank you for anyone who answers

Any tips on whenever you’re getting that intrusive thought, what can I tell myself without reassuring myself

so idk what this is but last year around this time is when my anxiety and ocd got so bad, it was the worst time of my life to the point where i had a plan to end my life, i also was in a horrible abusive relationship that traumatized me. so last year august-November was so horrible for me like those months absolutely ruined me and i think about it everyday. And now that it’s august again i feel like that person again, and like i feel like im in that same situation all over again and I hate it so much. What does this mean? And now im scared that im gonna feel this way up until November and that’s terrifying.

Hi everyone! I’ve been struggling a ton lately and wanted to see if anyone else has this problem. I constantly have to have people repeat what they said to me in order to comprehend what they just said. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I constantly get into brain fogs where I can’t always hear what’s being said, which leads to me reading lips just to get by. On top of that, sometimes the fogs get so bad that I can’t even lip read which results in me missing conversations completely 99% of the time. Does anyone else experience this and what do you do to improve it?

Hey all, this is my first post here, and I really think I'm going through the worst theme I've ever had. For weeks I've been having never ending reaccuring thoughts about everything having to do with being a person, life in general, other peoples lives and experiences, the meaning/purpose of life, and especially ruminating on death and the fact that everyone I know will die, including myself. It's gotten to the point of dissociation, and life feels simulated and fake. I can't think about anything else and the terror that comes along with it is awful (it's almost humorous to me that I'd rather have the POCD or ROCD themes I've had before, this seems so much worse) with death being the main fear in this theme I've given into the compulsions of researching death statistics (such as how many people die in my age group per year and how, car accident/heart disease/cancer statistics) over and over again and constantly repeating them in my head over and over. Driving got scary for a little while, but funny enough driving more (exposure) made that fear manageable. It's also gotten bad with the constant fear of knowing my loved ones will pass, and obsessing over how and when it'll happen. I'm also waking up everyday telling myself it'll be the day I die, and obsessing over the fact that most no one knows their last day and how genuinely terrifying that is. I'm constantly wondering what the point of anything is, if I'm just going to die, and almost prematurely mourning the death of loved ones and the loss of my own life. I am religious, and this offers some relief, but usually just ends in my OCD dipping into some Scrupulosity (which is just ugh why now this). Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this, I'm feeling pretty alone and depressed and genuinely can't see my life going back to normal or any way out of it.

These days I was on quora and I saw a post thtat said that porn addiction doesn't exist, and porn is healthy, and I was like "No?!?!?". Because the post said that some people watch like, incest porn because they like it and not because of an addiction. But 90% of people with porn addiction don't find the content they watch attractive, and after watching it, they feel disgusted and regret it, and that's a sign of addiction, you watch all those things like, incest porn, bdsm and etc ... not because you like them, but because your body just wants to feel something stronger that common porn can't offer anymore.

I really need some advice. My rocd is so bad that even spending time with my boyfriend is triggering my anxiety. Is that normal? Is that even rocd or do I just not want to spend time with him? He is great and if I didn’t have negative thoughts when I’m with him I would enjoy it. The first half hr I spend with him I have no anxiety and feel relaxed, but then this horrible anxiety comes over me like I have to be alone and be away from him. I don’t know what this means. Am I torturing myself unnecessarily by being in a relationship with him, because my rocd is not even letting me enjoy time with him? My brain is telling me he is the cause of all my anxiety, but breaking up with him would be awful! We can’t go on holiday either. A relationship shouldn’t be like this should it? I should be excited to see him and have fun, but I just have crippling anxiety when I’m with him because my ocd has associated my boyfriend as the problem. Maybe I’m making rocd an excuse because the thought of being alone is terrifying. I’m scared I’m holding onto something that is really affecting my mental health, but he’s so great and amazing when he’s with me, there’s no reason for these extreme feelings. How do I make this better? Any advice greatly appreciated!!!

I went to see a psychiatrist today. She was pretty nice, but even though I was listing ALL symptoms of OCD, all the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, she was uncertain about it, as if she did not understand what was going on. She didn't rule out the possibility of me having OCD, but she didn't confirm it. I understand that doctors usually won't diagnose patients in their first visit, but goddamn... I'm so scared right now. I keep doubting that I have OCD myself, I identify with all the symptoms but I doubt it all the time and feel the need to reassure myself that I have the disorder. If I don't have OCD, my life is fucking over. She gave me a diagnosis for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and prescribed me some medication. I received that diagnosis because I shared some of the trouble I'm going through at work. But if I fear that I don't really have OCD if an actual mental health professional can't recognize that as OCD. All the relentless researching, rumination, mental checking/testing, spending hours doing these things to achieve a sense of certainty and avoiding things out of fear of getting triggered.

So I have this new thought that is “I have to do what my ocd is saying to do (which involves my kids)for these thoughts to go away”. Is this remotely normal for harm ocd? I feel so disgusting for even having this cross my mind. I feel like such a horrible mother. 😭

Hi, I'm Sky. I'm not 100% sure if I have OCD or not. I've had multiple psychiatrist diagnose me with it but also one that said I was misdiagnosed. It does run in my family heavily on my father's side. I was wondering if anyone could talk to me about their experiences with OCD so maybe I can see if I relate. I feel like I suffer from intrusive thoughts but I also struggle with CPTSD and GAD. I find myself obsessing over made up scenarios or problems and I cant think of anything else. I have a lot of routines but I'm not sure if they are OCD related or not. I know this input wouldn't truly tell me if I have it or not and that I should reach out for another professional opinion, and I will. But I'm just trying to reassure myself that it's even worth bringing up. (Cat gif just because it's cute uwu)

I had a lot of mental stamina before my OCD got severe and I often compare my current state of being to who I was. I especially do this with the recovery I experienced 2 years into ERP. I thought I'd never have to face that terrible suffering again. A lot happened last year and my OCD blew up in my face. It's been difficult, but in a different way than I experienced when first going through OCD. Rather than being moved by desperation to recover, I became apathetic, which scared me even more. But here's what I've learned for myself about recovery apathy and I hope someone finds this helpful, too, because I haven't heard many people really talking about it. - My apathy was actually overwhelm. I had fought hard to overcome OCD and the thought of having to go through that again triggered feelings of hopelessness. Really, in retrospect, I see that it was rooted in a desire to get out of the spiral immediately because what if this ruined all of my progress? - By expecting myself to feel better quickly, I became fixated on monitoring my internal world. I was checking every feeling and sensation I had, and using them to figure out how to escape. The more I did this, however, the more I lost touch with my actual needs and desires. - I began to feel ashamed of myself for slipping and losing myself. I kept telling myself I'd do xyz to get back on top, but either wouldn't follow through, the goals would be too big, or whatever I was aiming for was a means of neutralizing the noise, as I like to call it. When you try to neutralize OCD noise, it just gets louder. - My repeated "fails" and attempts to fix myself amplified my shame and feelings of apathy. I didn't know how to break free or sit with what I was doing to myself. I didn't even know how I was doing it. I felt like all of my OCD knowledge went out the window. - A year into it, I have started to learn that it's all the same. This is also OCD. The noise tells me that I can't get better unless I do x first, I need to pay attention to how I'm feeling to learn how to take care of myself, I need to analyze my thoughts and sort through all the uncertainty. At the core of all of these fear-statements is a little girl who feels unsafe. - I started a journal on my compulsions, opened up to people I trust, and moved towards discomfort. I feel anxious and don't know why? Huh, guess I'll color for a bit and use that as inspiration. I used to love writing but now it feels like an apathetic gridlock? I'll set a timer for 10 minutes and write creatively without editing. I'm scared of being weird at work and being so uncool I'm not well liked? Unfortunate, that's their loss because I'm pretty cool. - I work on building myself up instead of analyzing thoughts about whether or not I'm worthy or loveable. I reconnect to things I loved as a kid. I invite my body to relax instead of forcing it to because I choose to honor how afraid it is after being through so much stress and turmoil. I hug myself and imagine hugging that little girl, and I remind myself that I never need permission to be loved. I go to my fiance when I feel trapped or alone, and when he isn't around, I utilize empty chair exercises where I have an open discussion between myself and those lonely parts of me. - Essentially, I realize that acceptance comes from befriending and normalizing our experiences. Just because others don't understand or don't like us doesn't mean we must feel that way about ourselves. What we experience is just as valid as what anyone else goes through and we don't always like or understand them, yet they treat themselves well. Shame tells us we can't be kind to ourselves, rather we must fix something that's wrong in us. I've learned that the true exposure is to soothe the shame with as many tears, hugs, and hobbies as it takes.

How do you stop the bad number loop