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Anybody else's OCD grow more intense at night?

anyone wanna talk?

I feel bad because I'll comment on other people's posts on here who struggle with the same OCD as I do and it's like why am I better at helping other people than myself???? I feel like I'm different. Anytime someone here says something related to pure OCD (or really any off) I try to remind them that they couldn't do anything that results in them being a bad person but it feels different for me because I actually do bad things. I have done bad things. I've never heard a story from other people that involves me not being annoying or weird or a bad person. I feel like there's a difference when other people make a mistake then when I make a mistake. Other people absolutely deserve help but I don't deserve help. Other people should be able to heal but I haven't gone through enough yet. I wish so badly I wasn't me because I just want to be a good person and I pray every night that I will be good and I won't mess anything up and that I will be helpful but I never am enough. I always mess something up. I want to be perfect but that's unachievable and that makes me anxious. I want to be perfect for people and I can't. Any time I think about how I need help or I need to talk about my feelings or something I remember why I shouldn't. Any time I do anything other than sit and smile I just get told to shut the fuck up or get told how annoying I am and it hurts but then I think "if I'm a bad person I deserve this" but if I was someone else and I hadn't done all the stupid and weird and even insane things I've done then I would deserve it a little more. I wish I was dead. I don't know why I'm not. I don't know why I'm writing this I just wish I was either another person or dead. I'm unredeemable it feels like. I hate myself so much. I'm so done.

If you can relate, I would appreciate your comments. Lately I've been feeling rather awkward and out of place. It's not uncommon for me, honestly. You know those situations where you feel like you really don't fit in anywhere? Well, I'm just feeling like despite my efforts to engage with others, I never fully get the satisfaction of genuine belonging. If I try to talk to people or form social circles, even just for the purpose of creating a study group, no one really seems interested. I've been a loner pretty much my entire life, so you'd think at this point I'd be used to it. However, sadly I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone is judging or scrutinizing me, as though I am this foreign creature. Having OCD doesn't help. It can just feel like a very lonely place sometimes.

I’m a horrible person I hurt a lot of people when I was 14 (currently 15) I was super sexual over text with my 3 friends I would make them uncomfy and never stop flirting making sexual jokes and just being weird even though they tell me not to or to stop and idk why I thought it was ok idk if it was for attention or because I legit thought it was normal I even got mad at them for distancing themselves from me when I was the problem.2 of them said it was ok or that they didn’t care when I apologized when I figured out how bad that was but one of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t wanna ever see me or think of me again because I scarred them. I feel so bad and it’s all my fault why was I even born honestly if I just spread trauma to people. It wasn’t just them either here was this 16 yr old I begged for pictures when I was either 14 or 13 and I kept badgering him over and over and was kinda manipulative and he sent me a fake picture just to get me to stop my best friend told me not to feel too bad about it cause he was kinda grooming her. But there was also this 17 yr old who I was messaging when I was 14 and I begged him for pictures too and he declined alot and then I said I could give him my best friends explicit butt pics and he agreed and my best friend was 15 which makes me even more sick about myself and I told the guy it was my best friends little sisters and I thought he was give me pics if I have him it cause my friend sent me her explicit butt pics to show me cause she trusted me I broke her trust and sent her pictures to him. My friend didn’t know and said she could help me get pictures from him by flirting with him and I agreed like a monster and she did it but stopped because she found it weird and I did too I think and then the guy got mad and threatened to send the pictures to her and I got scared and told my friend she said she was sick I only then realised how bad of a person I was for this and then she forgave me cause she knew I was gonna self harm. Me and the guy still talked and i stilled begged for pictures and then after I apologized for begging him for pics and he said I s@d him even though we only ever texted but that doesn’t change I was a bad person for that. So then he told me cause I kept apologizing he was manipulating me to keep me begging/repeating that behavior and said he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. And now my mind is telling me I am a child pred and I s@d people at my school and my little brother and my baby cousins and I feel so much guilt.All of these things made ne realize how horrible I was so i tried ending it all by ov3rd0s3 I tried 6 times and everyone I would messaged my other friend (the one from my old group of 3 friends) and he kept telling me to get help but I was scared of getting help cause my parents told me I would be arrested and then after I kept trying to commit he had enough and stopped talking to me saying he couldn’t do it anymore. I feel like I am a horrible monster because I am I’m disgusting and idk if I deserve to be alive with good people.

do you ever feel paralyzed or scared to just get out of bed because what if the thoughts get worse because you're interrupting your mind being distracted i dread having to get up to even use the bathroom. being with my boyfriend helps but then it just gets bad again even while im with him. I just can't function im starting a new job soon too and I'm in online college. I can't bring myself to do any of it. the guilt, shame, anxiety, and fears just take over.

My ocd convinces me that no one else has the ocd thoughts I have. I am newly PP and had an intrusive thought about my baby that sent me into the worst panic attack imaginable. I went to OBGYN and she said “but you aren’t having thoughts about harming yourself or the baby right?” I had to lie. I obviously didn’t want the thought, it’s my biggest fear. But how can we be honest with our doctors without being locked away. I had visions of them taking my child from me or me being locked away and now I’m just spiraling. I went down the rabbit hole for sure. How do we know what intrusive thoughts we can tell our doctor/therapist??? If I can’t share what’s going on in my head, then how am I supposed to know that I am not alone 😭. I want to find a therapist on here to work with but my ocd convinces me that no one else has struggled with what I have for some reason or that my ocd is “different” and I’ll be reported. This is miserable. Can anyone else relate? It’s like it convinces you that you are the “worst case” & what If it’s not even ocd. This has kept me from getting the therapy I know I need. Hope someone can give me some insight…

idk if this is ocd compulsion or not but when am i’m having panic attack i bite myself (but sometimes just feels good) and i don’t know how to stop. it helps me feel better but ik it’s not alright. i’m scared it might leave some serious damage to my skin. what should i do?

Every therapist I had so far told me I HAVE to do exposure therapy, when I refused one even ended the treatment. My current therapist is an absolute angel, but when it comes to compulsions all she ever says is that I should try to stop. Everytime I do my therapy “homework” and try to resist urges I get extremely overwhelmed and end up feeling worse about the situation etc. and avoiding it even more. I told her that and now she wants me to actively engage in such situations IN therapy, which I’m absolutely dreading but I’m not sure how to communicate that I’m positive this won’t help me.

Does anyone else have fears and intrusive thoughts of not being able to fall asleep which keeps you up at night? I got some restless nights due to being sick and now I can’t get back on a normal sleep schedule. It’s making my anxiety worse. Any advice or suggestions for those who deal with sleep issues and fears?

Does anyone have any experience with OCD about sleep? Specifically, obsessing about sleep which then makes you not sleep? I'm stuck in a cycle of worry about not being able to fall back to sleep before my alarm goes off when I wake up in the middle of the night, and all that worry leads me to not get myself back to sleep in time. A self-fulfilling prophecy that's really affecting my functioning. Not being able to sleep is all I can think about, even during the day, which is only making things worse. What helped you overcome this issue? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙏🏻

my suicidal ocd has been so high today it feels so real and it scares me so badly because i started ERP and my ocd likes to convince me i’m gonna give up and do but also with it i’m with my grandmas this week and she threw up and she thought she was having a stroke so me and my mom took her to the emergency room and it’s bothering me so badly… hospitals give me anxiety and my suicidal ocd keeps convincing me that i wanna do it :(

I have been through so many themes this year, and it has been through almost every category my entire life. Now that I am super aware of OCD, it found a way around me again. I recently hit a raccoon with my car, I didn’t kill it. It ran off. Everything was fine but later on I touched my car where I hit it and then I couldn’t remember if I washed my hands or not then bam!!! Rabies OCD. I went to a doctor. They checked me out and said that I was at almost 0 risk of contracting it that way. They even told me I need to seek help for OCD, because my racing thoughts and anxiety are contributing to exaggerating diseases. Now I’m afraid of bats, I think every time I find a scratch on myself, scratch myself, or poke myself on something that automatically a bat bit me, and I’m going to die in a month of rabies. I have came to the conclusion that I could not possibly be bitten by a bat every single day and in every single situation so I know it’s OCD🙂 but it’s still pretty stressful.

Can you heal from pure ocd symptoms (didn't took any diagnose so just symptoms) by yourself without the help of therapist? I know it sounds stupid but there's no way I'll ask my parents for therapy.

I want to share how ERP has helped me lately, in finding a new job, but also share a realistic look over what chasing my values has been like. I hope this will help someone. I was miserable for a long time in my previous job. I desperately wanted to leave, but my OCD interfered a lot when I searched for other jobs, especially before I started ERP/before I was diagnosed. A “typical” job search is to look for jobs, work on your resume/cover letter, apply, and hope for an interview. However, this was very difficult for me—I would spend hours on my resume, trying to make it absolutely perfect so it wouldn’t be rejected. I needed it to feel just right. I sometimes missed application deadlines because I couldn’t get my resume done “perfectly” in time. When I looked for jobs, I could only apply if it felt “just right.” I needed absolute certainty that my next job would be the right move. When I did get an interview, I couldn’t prepare adequately, because I didn’t know what questions I would be asked, and the uncertainty made it hard to focus. Fast forward to this year, where I felt more serious about leaving my job, and I did exposures to work through my fears. My therapist had me prepare a resume, within a certain amount of time, and not change it after. I applied to jobs even though I had no idea if I would be happy at the company. When I submitted applications, I didn’t allow myself to read my resume over and over for hours. I made it satisfactory, submitted it, and hoped for the best. Last month, I applied for a job, and was selected for an interview. Ultimately, I was hired, and I started training this week. So, the wonderful side of ERP is that my hard work finally helped me break my compulsive cycles, and I finally got a new job. I left my old toxic company, after trying to leave for a few years. I started with NOCD a little over two years ago. I’m doing so much better now. I have fewer exposures and therapy sessions because I have a really good handle on my tools and my OCD. But, as we all know, OCD flare ups will happen. When I started training on Monday, I felt so excited. I strongly felt like my skills would transfer to this new job, and I could really make a difference. However, later in the day (and for part of the week), I felt really overwhelmed. My OCD told me I was going to burn out, I was going to fail, I couldn’t handle the training, I would have to go back to my old job and suffer forever. It is hard for me still, to accept that my OCD isn’t going away, that I’ll have hard periods, I’ll have moments of struggle. Which is truly just a part of life, for everyone, with or without mental illness. I used my tools to combat my intrusive thoughts. I woke up and went to my training every day (which now requires a commute, and I’ve never had to commute before). I’m changing my routine and adjusting to a career change and how my days look. But despite the struggles this week, despite crying in my car because I wasn’t anticipating all the emotions that came up, I am not letting my OCD win. My OCD wants me to quit, to find something comfortable. But my values are to be in a career where I help people, where I’m fulfilled and happy about the work I do. My values are more important than a false sense of safety/comfort that my OCD is promising me. I’m anticipating struggling in this job. I’m going to have really hard days (I’m going in a social service field, helping people enroll in government benefits). But I’m leaning into the part of me that finally feels like I’m on a good career path. I don’t like struggling, I don’t like things being out of my control, I don’t like in between periods where things are tough now but will get better later. I want everything to be certain and easy (who doesn’t?). It’s a mixed bag of feelings—so so grateful for ERP, grateful ERP helped me get out of my job, grateful I am handling this so much better than I would have 2 years ago. But sad and stressed and confused too, and annoyed that my OCD had to butt in to a new exciting life change. I think this is just the nature of life with OCD. But OCD doesn’t go away. So why not work on chasing my values, so I can live a life I’m proud of, while I work through this disorder? I am choosing my values over comfort, and I wanted to share this in case anyone is in a similar boat. And if I’m going to have OCD triggers, I would much rather have them while I’m a better job, vs being triggered at my old toxic job. I hope you all have a good weekend ❤️

My name is Ann and I'm from Jamaica and I'm a teenager , growing up my life wasn't easy but my life was decent however I wasn't really close to my family so I grew to stay by myself and stay in my room and stay on social media. growing up I didn't really have a lot of friendships and the ones I did have unfortunately ended. I always felt left out by my bigger sisters however I always wanted to be like them so my childhood was surrounded by making up scenarios in my head for example my relationship would end and I would play music and imagining myself in the middle of his school dancing and he regretted leaving. I got hurt in every relationship I've been in and I wasn't close to anyone so I ended being the person that would talk to herself and if someone upset me I would argue with them even though they weren't there and that followed up with me being an attention seeker for example I would fake faint for attention and that's how bad it became and Even after that I kept living life and kept in my emotions. Fast forward I started dating this boy and he introduced smoking to me (weed) I did it for just a couple week in which I stopped because I got high and it made me scared because it felt like my mind was racing n I didn't know what was going on and my mom said I was acting mad so I develop up a fear of even going back in that state but I didn't give that thought any attention so it went away for awhile until out of the bloom I had a panic attack n I my heart was racing n I started being scared that im going to go mad and I'm going to lose my mind and I will end up on the road and everyone will treat me horribly and it became very overwhelming n I kept crying n I couldn't sleep and this fear was there for awhile n the fear got worse when I heard someone I know was losing there mind and hearing voices so that made it worse so I guess that triggered me even more and I went to the doctor cause I thought the stomach feeling was the reason it was happening but she gave me medicine and it still didn't work so I decide to learn more and I figured out it was anxiety and then I thought it was hypochondria and now I think it's ocd, I got thoughts that I was going to stab my mom and I dont want to do that but I thought about the time when I was a kid when I chocked a kid because the kid was crying too much and I feel complete guilt even though I was a kid as well I still feel like a bad person for that and then I have thoughts that I'm going to lose control in my sleep and do something then I got derealization and I was doing fine at first because I learned that everything happens because of ocd and I just need to accept it n sit with the discomfort until this morning I woke up and I was looking just thinking until my thoughts overlaped like I thought something then I thought about what I just thought so I was confused n I got scared and I thought that what if I'm losing my mind and I started trying to think normally but I just couldn't and my mind is blank and I'm not thinking anything now I'm scared of talking because I don't want to talk and it doesn't make sense.... What is going on with me rn and do I feel like I can't think anymore? I feel like I want to commit suicide n just overdose myself bec6of how I feel

Does anyone feel like they might actually be crazy? I feel OCD has made me go insane. It's scary....

So i use to get a lot of relationship OCD. I recently got into a relationship two months ago. i have been experiencing some relationship OCD thoughts like “do i like my partner enough” and to complete the compulsion of telling them that i am having this thought. I use to be able to conquer them but after bringing it up in therapy it got worse. does anyone have any recommendations on how to conquer this compulsion and thought? I don’t want to scare my partner away.

Hi all. I posted on here last night but please bear with me as this is going to be long. I really need some advice. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had any history of severe mental health issues or violent tendencies. Minor harm ocd through out the years, and anxiety, but nothing severe. I’ve had my pup for many years at this point and never had any desire to harm her in any way - in fact, I’ve spent many nights crying into her fur at the thought that someday she won’t be with me anymore and valuing/cherishing her like my child. Then two months ago I got hit with a sore throat and triggered by a tv show on the same day. My minor harm OCD turned into severe violent images, thoughts, feelings, you name it - against my pup. When it started it was usually knives, and it always came with a feeling of “omg I would never do that!” anxiety and compulsions to make sure, etc. I started therapy, got psych evaluations, everything, all to be told it was in fact OCD. Then, it kept going and going and going - through ERP, through RP messages; nothing helped, and it came down to where we are now. I have constant, severely violent feelings and thoughts. Stuff I don’t even like to mention. I know they say don’t focus on the content, but…when the content is you cutting up your best friend or eating her, or any of the other horrific things my mind tells me to do…it’s hard not to. Constant, 24/7 “urges” or feelings staying with me that I would or want to do these things I find gross and had no desire to do. But now it makes me question that because it feels like something in me wants to. I’ll have a thought, get an “urge”, or hear a word or get triggered, and I get this sort of adrenaline drop/crushing/frozen feeling through my head and chest. It feels kind of like fear, but also at the same time like my brain is trying to fantasize about these things. Like it likes them. And I’m numb to her for the most part - I look at her and I get these weird things that she’s just body parts. That’s what I see. And why I’m getting so scared. I never cared that she had that and now it feels like I would just do something to her because of it. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like this strange aversion to her, like I can’t get close to her without seeing her insides. I get images of basically her guts. Or her heart, etc. It’s like I’m freaked out that she’s a living creature. And at the same time, the harm thoughts are so brutal that they make me cry, but I still feel like I’d do them. It also gives me weird sensations when I think about losing her like I’d want to? It’s like opposite feelings to everything I’ve ever wanted. I have no hope left that this will ever leave or I’ll get better or be able to keep my dog. The harm thoughts are SO much more violent than anything I’ve ever seen anyone describe. Is there any hope for me? Should I just give my pup to someone else? Is this typical harm ocd or am I a dangerous psycho?

I don’t know where to start and don’t want to write a really long msg. I am really in a dip. I struggle to accept I have ocd and that there’s not some real issues or something else the matter with me. Even though I relate to ocd and can see its has clearly been part of the picture in the past and despite a psychologist saying it sounded like ocd I find it hard to believe or accept. What i’m experiencing feels so real. I have persistent fears about my child being abducted and have horrible graphic images related to that. I also have a lot of anxiety in my relationship (which is challenging) plus I have other life stressors going on. I have worried my boyfriend is a paeodophile and set up cameras in my daughter’s room. I also fear he will harm or kill me. That he’s cheating on me or has done and I said this one day. My boyfriend had been out late getting drunk and I couldn’t get hold of him. I said I feared he was shagging someone out the back of the pub. At the time he was kind and loving and said not to think those things and that he wouldn’t do that and loved me. However those words obviously stayed with him and he’s since been very angry that I thought that and finds it insulting and says I obviously don’t trust him and that maybe it’s me that’s doing what I fear he’s doing. I got angry and said I’ve an anxiety disorder and he said not to raise my voice to him and he stormed off and left. That was the night before my birthday. He called the next day to say happy birthday and made no mention of him storming off and made no apology when I saw him later. He gave me flowers and presents and took me out for dinner then made comments about the age I had turned (I’m 3 years older) he says it’s just a joke and banter but I feel it’s disrespectful. Anyway my child who is with her dad wanted to say goodnight to me (she’s been not wanting to stay there which has added to my anxiety that something will happen to her - that her not wanting to stay there is a sign and she isn’t safe and that something will happen) Anyway she rang whilst my boyfriend and I were having sex (which felt a bit aggressive/violent but I didn’t speak up. He eventually said what do u want as it’s your birthday and I said to go slow which he did) Anyway we stopped having sex and I answered the call from my child. She was ok and we spoke briefly. My boyfriend was really angry and said all sorts of things about my ex having had a ex with me on my birthday in the past and what did he think we were doing and he should have told my child not to call. He said he felt like I made him look like an idiot and that he doesn’t know how long he can carry on never having time alone with me without being interrupted. He left and went to his house but not til after I’d fallen asleep. I woke up and panicked to see his car gone and thought he’d gone to harm my ex or daughter or both or that he’d gone somewhere else to have sex with someone else as we didn’t finish. It feels like I’m living in some sort of nightmare with this amount of fear and distrust going on.