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the NOCD Community

Hey guys, I had a thought or something I was doing that had a negative impact on me. Now I have anxiety because I cannot remember what the heck it was! I was doing so good until now. Now I have anxiety and am scared!

I pray not to see sixes. Today at the grocery store as she was totalling up my groceries, I asked God to not have it be 6's specifically 3 of them in a row. But really don't want to see any. The bill was 10.66. So I decided to do erp with 6's but all kinds of bad thoughts and other things came up on the search along with 3 6's. I'm so scared. What if I'm cursed with badness from all of these 6's coming up?

I experience suicidal and existential ocd, and I KNOW that one day, those intrusive thoughts will not pop up that much. (These are the thoughts that cause me a bad feeling, and then my ocd tells me I cant handle this feeling and I will end my life) (so, its a constant loop) But then, even if I think of life without those intrusive thoughts/feelings (for example, my future self, free from OCD), I get thoughts saying that life is scary or not a safe place, and that I will of course end up by comitting suicide… Like I cant handle life, even if everything is good in my life. (Example: I imagine myself very happy in the future, but still, life would be too much and I would have to end it). Does it make sense? Im so scared of those thoughts and feelings 😢It makes no sense at all!

I had a full blown panic attack the other night because I was in bed and woke up and was thinking I needed to get up because I was so anxious and I was thinking that what if something happened to me or what if I accidentally did something. Just to remind you I am in nursing school and working 2 days a week and am stressed and overwhelmed - any tips will be appreciated or encouragement

How do you accept that you have a disgusting side of yourself? Whether it's with addiction, which is my case, a bad habit, or something that changes you into someone you don't want to be in some ways. How do you live with that? It bothers me in increments everyday and I try my best to shake it off but can't. This thing made me do a lot of shameful, awful things that I do regret. How do I just live with it and just be compassionate anyway?

On the 4th of July I got very drunk and at one point lost my friends in a crowd. I went back to my friend’s house and while waiting for them all to come back, I started talking to her neighbors and lighting off fireworks with them. I remember all of this event and remember when my boyfriend came back I introduced him to them. If I had done something wrong or cheated on my boyfriend I would’ve known and definitely would’ve felt anxious or a feeling of guilt/shame. A week later I was worried I had either gotten with one of them or one of my boyfriend’s friends. I was able to move past this but recently got a sore throat and now I’ve convinced myself I have an oral STD and it’s because I got with someone on the 4th of July. I told my boyfriend this fear this morning which I know I should not have done and I feel so regretful for it. I am so confident I didn’t get with anyone as I would remember but for some reason I can’t push this idea that I did and I just am suppressing the memory. This false memory is so hard for me to move on from because if it is true, I can’t be with my boyfriend anymore. What do I even do?

I've been in a constant state of panic since last night. My brain...oh my brain I'm so sick of you. I have intrusive thoughts that tell me "I don't exist" "I'm already dead" The panic and hyper focusing has caused so much DPDR that I feel disconnected to where it truly feels like I ceased to exist. No matter what I tell myself, I can't calm down. Nothing is a distraction, not even video games. I don't feel real. It feels like my own voice in my head is numb. I can't concentrate, my memory is awful, and I'm just all around scared. I can't believe it's gotten to this point. I don't know what to do...I'm terrified.

There is a theme with ocd such as harm ocd and they have very violent images thoughts or internal narratives/ monologues that are intrusive. If someone is brave enough to open up about it on this app and asked for help, please don't report especially if they have attached a trigger warning. They are not harming others, they have intrusive thoughts about it. There's a difference. Even if your theme differs, you must understand that.

Can anyone share advice on how you differentiate between actual relationship issues and ocd issues? And also how to stay connected with your partner during a hard time? I get really frustrated with my partner (disclaimer: he’s a great guy and his heart is in the right place) but he’s not aching the way I want him to (I recognize how that sounds haha) one of the things is that he doesn’t show much expression or excitement when talking to me so it’s really hard for me to feel loved through that. I’ve expressed that time and time again (which could be a compulsion) and when he tries to improve it just feels disingenuous, furthering my frustration. It could just be that nothing feels good enough for me, or that I’m just fed up but then idk if I should make myself hang out with him as an exposure, or just be alone. I fear that I’m not going to get my point across efficiently, or that it’s just the way he is and it’s something I’ll have to put up with. When do I decide to take action and when do I sit back and deal with it as ocd?because for me it feels like there’s no way of knowing! i don’t want to sacrifice my needs but I try to resist a lot of what I’m thinking due to the possibility of it being a compulsion. On the other hand however, I could just be silencing myself and in turn being quiet and he is ok with that but I like a lot of communication as it makes me feel connected. This could be a real issue that persists, or it could be an ocd spiral…idk and I hate that because I just don’t know how to move based off that info so Im open to any advice!

Hey everyone. I could really use some advice. I finally hit what seems to be rock bottom today. This constant, horrible urge to hurt my puppy. It’s everything. And it feels like I really don’t care. I have no emotions. I can’t think straight. I’m holding myself back from actually doing something because I know deep down in my heart that’s not me. It’s a physically paralyzing feeling that feels like I want it. I don’t know what the difference is between this and someone who’s actually dangerous and losing it. Everytime I look at her it feels like I have a flashback in my head or something and I see a movie/get an urge to just do it. It feels like I have to even though I don’t want to. But at the same time it’s like I don’t care. I hate this. I valued my dog’s life so much. And I loved her so much. Now I feel nothing. I don’t understand. I’m going to give her to a family member later and probably check myself into a psych hospital. It may be the last time I ever see her but I don’t think there’s another option.

I feel like everyone "healed" from their SOOCD and yet 6 years later I'm still here. All the people who used to post on here have moved on (and good for them) but im still here. Even when im having sex with my bf I'm like "am I enjoying it because Im enjoying the act of sex itself + the fact that Im used to him by now but with women its way more exciting and its about the women itself?". Ugh I just feel so alone, no one relates to me romantically nor physically.

I get feelings that I don’t like or don’t understand and then the thoughts come. Response prevention gets tricky here. Sometimes the feelings are intrusive other times I’m just having feelings. Often, letting them be there and acknowledging them helps and is good but when I don’t know why they are there or uncomfortable I ruminate on them comes in and I spiral. Not trying to figure them out makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I don't know how to explain this but: I was diagnosed with HOCD about 2 years ago ( still have it but much lighter symptoms than the onset) I had a therapist here in NOCD for a couple of months, then I found out that they don't take my insurance ( miscommunication happened) and I ended up paying thousands of dollars and stopped therapy. Ok now moving on, These days I have been feeling like I am in a bad mood most of the time and that things have bad vibes to them. It's been like that since July and I have been having those symptoms which I don't know their meaning: 1- Feeling a bad mood most of the day for no obvious reason 2- thinking that some songs, roads, places have bad vibes to them that make me feel sad and want to stop listening to these songs or driving on these roads 3- checking my mood frequently to see if it's good or bad 4- having the ability to have good time and feel happy but worrying about the bad mood that I know will come up after whatever fun thing I am doing 5- calling my sister a lot to try to figure out what is happening with me 6- can't focus on school or anything due to the overthinking and the bad vibe/mood to everything I checked depression symptoms according to dsm-5 and according to their criteria, I have less symptoms that those required for diagnosis. I don't know what to do now. Is that another type of ocd? Is that depression? Is that a completely different mental disorder? Or is it just a random thought that my mind obsessed on due to having ocd already? ( maybe i felt sad for a while without knowing why (like any other normal person) and then i started freaking out on why this is happening, so my mind latched on this thought because of having ocd already and having the tendency to obsess over thoughts? ) do i need to follow ERP for this thought or do I need to treat it like a random thought and just do my best to ignore it? I don't know and I don't want to get to therapy again because even though it helps but the fact that I am seeing a doctor takes me into a whole mood that I don't want to feel again.

So recently I made a post about having the theme of fear of psychosis and schizophrenia which has led to the fear of not getting sleep and being scared I’ll go crazy and start hallucinating from the lack of sleep. Last night I was able to sleep some hours after not being able to properly sleep for 4 nights (like I actually dreamt) but of course when I woke up I got the the thought “what if you didn’t sleep and you think you did” “what if you’re just hallucinating it” it made me instantly sick to my stomach! Of course I know I slept but these thoughts just get crazier everyday making me feel like I’m actually crazy. I just want to cry. It’s a constant battle everyday and I’m just so tired. I’ve never had these thoughts before. If anyone has gone through this please tell me what helped you. I miss getting home and looking forward to sleeping not being scared I won’t. And I miss just living my life and not having thoughts questioning if it’s my reality or not. Please I could really use some advice.

I’m finding it so hard to do anything I suffer so badly from cheating OCD because my relationship is important to me and I never want to do anything to ruin it And I constantly think I kiss people all the time and it’s the most ridiculous thing ever but I can’t even walk near someone without thinking I do Like just now in work I was walking in the back door and saw a guy standing outside and automatically I got really anxious and my mind is making me think I did something So within an instant I think I do something and it’s getting so frustrating It’s ruining my ability to work well

I just started high school and my OCD is horrible. It was bad the couple weeks leading up to it but now it’s even worse. All of the stress triggered my pure OCD and now my brain is believing that I am evil. And now whenever I try to pray I feel I can’t. Then when I try to use ERP, it just feels like I am going against God by saying maybe I’ll letting evil in.

i've never been comfortable enough to post anything on here but today i thought i would try. i want to start off by saying i am not diagnosed with ocd but i have strong reason to believe i may have ocd. i want therapy but don't know how to tell my parents because this topic is one that makes me highly uncomfortable to the point where i can not breath. but here goes... starting in july of this year i began noticing symptoms of ocd. i was scrolling on instagram when a photo of a baby popped up in my feed. i was reading the caption when all of a sudden i became aware of my groinal area and i felt movement. i felt immediately sick to my stomach... wtf was happening to me? i then closed the app and sat there for a second thinking to myself "did i just get aroused by looking at the photo of a child?". i tested myself(one of the worst things to do, giving my ocd power) and reopened the app to look at the photo once more. i was obviously going to feel movement down below if i was hyper fixating on that area for ANY movement at all. and i did. i then started having cold and hot flashes, sweating, the room spinning, feeling as if i was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. was i a p3do??? did i like children?? of course the answer is no. but my ocd is twisting those thoughts and feelings into something more than they are, just thoughts and feelings. for the past few months after my first episode with ocd i have become more accepting of the fact that these feelings aren't meaningful. these do not align with what i truly believe which is why i feel so sick when they happen. but i will admit there are days when it is really tough for me to discern my thoughts from my intrusive ocd thoughts. i am constantly hyper aware of whatever is happening down there and its really frustrating and exhausting. it has now moved beyond pocd, every interaction everything i see i subconsciously am testing myself to see if i am aroused which leaves me to constantly feel a state of physical arousal. i know i should go to therapy but i am worried to tell my parents. like "hey mom and dad i have been having weird thoughts and feelings regarding children i think i need therapy" they would be horrified. i feel guilty and awful, my parents don't deserve that. i just don't know what to do. for a few years i had actually been wanting children of my own when im older, i had been thrifting the cutest baby outfits and thinking of how cool it would be to have a mini-me. now i feel as though that won't be possible. and i just don't know what to do.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live

How vivid are your false memories? I didn’t have this FM until i kept thinking into if something happened on a night i was drinking Now ive come up with the worst possible scenario and my brain is convincing me its true with IMAGES Anyone else go through this?

The theme i struggle with most is suicidal OCD. And with September being “national suicide awareness month”, My anxiety is sky high. i’m back in my spiral. I’m back with the panic attacks. My mind keeps comparing itself to all of these people and now i’m convinced i want too or i have these symptoms and im next. i’m freaking myself out and idk what to do. I get scared i have suicidal ideation when i know i don’t because i would never ever actually kms nor hurt myself in anyway. Does anyone know how to comercome this??? I just got out of my spiral not even 1 months ago and im scared im going deeper this time. My mind is all over the place scared im actually going to do it when i know im not and i feel like i have to go to the hospital or something idk what to do.