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My ocd is getting stronger I wish I could restart my life and fix the mistakes I did so my ocd would not be able to say the things it says

I just want to know the difference of someone who is gay vs someone who is just questioning bc of ocd. Like would you hear I’m gay im gay over and over and over again in your head but it didn’t feel right? But when I say this is a waste of my time im of course straight it feels like im lying but I know im not attracted to women at all I am certain of that. But picking a label is what i can’t settle on so this is my ocd or not

What do you do when you have a thought and you’re not sure if it’s intrusive or not? I just had one that was so strange and bad, and I can’t believe I just had it, but I’m almost afraid it’s not intrusive and there really is something wrong with me. I hate this.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live

hi, hope everyone is well! this is going to be a long post but i’ll try to shorten it as much as i can. i’ve suffered with severe ocd for a few years now, but i am in therapy which is going well. however, i feel like certain events in my life have really changed the way i am. i’m in a relationship and i love my boyfriend. however, i can’t help but feel as my feelings towards him have shifted (not my love or attraction) but almost he’s not who i thought he was if that makes sense. long story short, i found messages on his phone between him and his friends in which they sent pictures of half-naked girls etc to one another, even though he told me he didn’t do any of that stuff. what hurt me the most is he told his friend he slept with a girl and sent her post and when i confronted him, he swore it was just a joke and i can contact the girl and everyone. but it really hurt me, i didn’t eat and i cried all the time it triggered my ocd so much. prior to this, i also found likes on his phone of pictures which i told him it makes me feel insecure. so after this happened, he was apologetic, but a few months later he did it again and what hurt me the most was he saw how it impacted me the first time and didn’t care enough about my feelings. i was in a bad way for ages, i still find myself bothered by it and my self esteem has vanished. i forgave him, but there has been hurtful things said towards me from him and i don’t feel as though im treated like a priority or he makes much an effort with me at all. i also suffer with cheating ocd and literally make no contact with other guys because i dont want to accidentally cheat and my ocd makes me feel like any interaction is wrong. but my issue is, when my partner and i were being intimate, i kept getting intrusive thoughts about someone else which i didn’t want, but when i was hitting the “big o” i did try to focus on my partner as much as i could but i feel as though i purposely thought about the other person, not because i particularly wanted to but because NOT thinking about that person is always in the back of my mind. but for a split second i feel like i may have enjoyed it even though i can’t remember and it’s making me feel so guilty and like i cheated. i always avoid intimacy because of this, i only want to think about my boyfriend. and i don’t want to tell him, even though i always end up confessing, is because im scared he’ll do what he did above again or even worse as a retaliation.

I feel like my thoughts are so disturbing it can't be ocd. Does anybody else have disturbing harm ocd images and thoughts? Like worse than just punching or pushing someone

I have to say im struggling with my faith right now. I watch alot of Mark Dejesus videos but i find myself questioning everything. First i was questioning for a while now if theres free will and God doesnt interfere with our choices then what is the reason of praying, asking him things. If someone wants to kill me God wont come down and stop him, then what is the reason of me praying for protection? Other is the thing we say that "If God is with us who can be against us? What can man do to me?" Well the same they did to Jesus. Many people get tortured by others,r@pd,theres alot of things in this world, i dealt with this before, I know theres no answer for us cause we arent God, but still this statement that "what man can do to me" fails there cause i can still be afraid everyday that people will attack me and my family. And this is what i realized this time. Sadly im not much in a christian community, if i am im with people who has these basic answers but its okay we arent perfect, but my friends are unbelievers and we talked many times about faith and why i believe and what they told me just stick with me and now i feel like i understand. The thing is that whenever you have a problem like i said before someone is attacking you, you have an illness or any problem, even if you are christian or not you will have to do something alone. You have to face it, you have to act, and if you dont know what to do nobody will come down from the sky to lead you somewhere. And the problem is that lets take two people one who is a believer other is not, they had a problem both decided to so something about it, the non believer goes through it and he id happy about himself, the believer says "without God i couldnt do it" well the non believer did it without God. I see alot of times that things that christians say they couldnt reach without God, non believers do it without Him. And no i dont think every non believer should suffer cause they dont believe... but then the question is in my head, whats the point? Cause my non believer friends say they can see that this is just a perspective too, how you view things, and now i see it that it might be true... What if i just choose that i see it like this? Now i dont think that i will become an atheist soon, all my life i believed theres something there, even when i said no i was just fooling myself cause the next day i felt different. But im struggling with these questions cause i hear it everytime in christian communities to "trust in God, pray to Him, ask and you will get it" but its not true, theres free will and God doesnt change someones mind and many thing in this world is controlled by people. And call me crazy but i think science is so advanced right now that people can influence weather and make storms and tornadoes if they want to destroy a city. So yeah for me theres a God but i dont see the truth in what can man do to me and he will protect you just pray and ask him... My friends say im just believing cause i need to think something is there to protect me, or to give everything a meaning and maybe theyre right cause i cant explain why do i believe, i just do, but for people who are deeply hurted my a religion or they have problems and they can get through it without believing God, idk what to say them, why to believe... The basic "cause eitherway you will burn in hell" is not going to turn anyone to a christian... I hope some can take this and answer it kindly not attacking me cause i struggle with my faith or "im not a true christian" if someone says that i will ignore it. Thanks for your time.

Sometimes when I feel false attraction, I’ll say things out of disbelief and fear, for example, I see a kid that looks older and I feel sort attraction so I panic and say “I’m attracted” “I think he’s attractive” “he is/looks attractive” ,, “he’s attractive” ,, “he looks handsome” along those lines… I panic when I say these and my brain uses it against me… I genuinely feel like a bad person. I feel like I’m genuinely attracted now and that I’m a bad person and that I need to accept it, I’m so scared. I don’t want to be this person but when I think about it, it’s like it’s not bad to be one and I don’t freak out and it makes me worry

does someone familiar with SO-OCD wanna have a chat?? i'm in a bit of a hard position and just want to talk to someone.

I’m just here to vent a little and hopefully I can get some advice… My brother recently out his dog up for adoption that has been in the family for 6 years. I’m a wreck and I can’t stop picturing him in a shelter all alone, I feel heartbroken and im going down there first thing in the morning and gonna adopt him myself. I’m praying I can get to him but I’m also terrified of taking care of another living thing. I’m damn near 30 and I feel worried that I can’t give him everything he deserves because I’m an anxious wreck all the time but I also know that no one can love him as much as me. How do I get over this awful feeling of worry and anxiety running through my body? Leave him in the shelter is not a choice , I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life and I love him too damn much. Am I crazy or do others feel this way about having this much responsibility over anther living thing :/

Hi everyone! I am a 22 year old AFAB nonbinary person from California, and I wanted to come on here and ask about people’s experiences with OCD surrounding taking testosterone and being trans/LGBTQIA/nonbinary. I am not talking about doubting identity but more so doubting whether taking testosterone is the “right” choice or whether the changes you might get are what you “truly” want. I would really love to hear from folks who also identify as nonbinary as I feel that nonbinary folks have a unique experience with taking hormones due to not being a binary trans person. I would definitely love to hear from anyone who identifies as trans or nonbinary, but I think that my experience with hormones is different since I know I don’t want to look or sound or feel like a full masculine person or man. For me, this means I am on a lower than normal dose of T right now, and I also don’t believe I plan on taking it longer than a few months or at least until I get my desired results. I want to be very androgynous, and I keep getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts about waking up and having all these drastic changes to my body and self to the point that I won’t recognize myself anymore. I know this is irrational and definitely attacking the fact that this is a huge decision to make to go on hormones, but I just feel like I haven’t seen this representation yet in both the trans and OCD communities. Again, please feel free to share any type of experience you have whether you are a nonbinary or binary trans person!

I keep feeling bad that I didn’t find my partner that cute at first. I didn’t think he was unattractive but when I first met him it was at work and him and this other guy were new. I thought the other guy was more attractive at the time. I even vocalized it to a friend. NOW my boyfriend is my whole world and I think he’s the most handsome man ever. Even more handsome than the guy I originally thought was cute. I don’t have a problem with his appearance or anything. I just feel guilty over not finding him more attractive than the other guy. It feels wrong and of course my thoughts are saying I should tell him this but I know it’ll just hurt his feelings.

Is this my life now? A loop of fears and panic? Freshman year.. two years ago is when all this started. When I began my journey with this debilitating and scary disorder. For a while I felt like everything was okay. Like things were getting better. But tonight it’s getting so bad. I’m shaking, the thoughts are literally making my body enter fight or flight. The feelings.. the thoughts it all feels so real. It makes me question every aspect of who I am.. Is this forever? Will this be my life? If it is, that sounds like pain.. I constantly check myself.. which ain’t realize might be a compulsion. But I wonder, am I lying to myself? But then again I wouldn’t fear it so much if what I felt was true. I try to stay calm, to not fight the thought but let it pass. But it only grows in power. It’s been giving me these fake feelings. Things in which i’d never felt before. I just want to be okay. And I wonder if that’s even possible anymore. All I know is that I have my family, my Mom, everyone who loves me dearly. Please anyone… I don’t want to beg but if you could give me some motivation or positive words i’d love that.

i literally cannot do anything bc of this ocd. i want to watch tiktok but i can’t bc i’m so paranoid that i will repost something by accident, especially something that could be inappropriate. i’m also scared if i like something on tiktok by accident or if i liked it and now i need to check it 100x. i just want to watch tiktok. it’s also on instagram too, i’m so paranoid that i will like a post or like a story. i’m so tired i just wanna be a teenage girl who can use social media normally.

So I have posted here before about this topic. I feel so ashamed so angry but I feel it is my ocd … so from time to time me and my psychologist will talk about different diagnoses ( like if it’s almost time to end our session) because psychologist and like the dsm manual and all these diagnoses are so fascinating to learn about but I feel like I want a “new diagnosis “ and I don’t understand why I feel like I get a high off of it and excited that there’s something “wrong” with me…the last time I posted this someone said maybe it’s because you feel seen and heard and maybe that’s the case but now I just feel like my brain wants me to stack up the diagnoses like tokens … when having this thought I’m very careful of telling it to anyone or even asking hey could I have “so and so diagnosis “ because I don’t want to be seen as an attention seeker because I am not I don’t know were the want or “need” for a diagnosis comes from I just feel it goes beyond so much more than being seen or heard … but what if someone knew my true thoughts would they think I’m attention seeking from now on and not give me any diagnosis or even listen now to what I have to say because they already think I’m doing it for attention or acting that way for attention and even if it is a genuine diagnosis what if I made up enough symptoms I have a diagnosis of something but it’s actually “fake” I don’t know why I’m doing this please help and please don’t stop believing me

i made a similar post, but I didn’t really get helpful responses. also I’m not diagnosed and can’t get diagnosed , but the past two days I’ve been spiraling and I have constant anxiety. I feel contaminated and like I keep having actions replay in my head and I see images of terrible things and I just feel gross. also like I can’t do anything alone or else I’m afraid that I might end up doing something wrong. so then every action I do has to be in from of other people so I can make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. any time I’m alone and I go about my day later on I always get these thoughts and what I’m pretty sure is false event ocd and I’m stressing so much.

Why everything I was once is gone? I had goals, I always been such an empathic and good person, I had so many plans in life and since ocd came to my life everything is gone, ocd has ruined everything in my life, I can’t see to find myself anymore. I hate my brain for making me think that I’m a bad person when I know I’m not. OCD really took everything away from me. I already have a lot in my plate for me to be dealing with this, it’s so unfair. I have never had it easy and now when my life was starting to get better I get OCD:(

I’ve been EXTREMELY worried recently about associating things/ loved ones/ my own body even with the negative emotions, people, etc that my ocd is currently making me feel like I have to avoid. This is causing me to CONSTANTLY think about these negative things and CONSTANTLY repeat compulsions if the negative thought or the thought of associating the thought with the action/ thing comes into my mind. Like I’ll be doing something as simple as showering and get worried that I’ll associate/ contaminate my own body with the thing/ person that terrifies me. So I’ll have to shower again. Is this normal? How can I stop it?? And will I ever be able to un- associate something with the negativity?

I've been going hard at ERP the past three weeks to deal with SOOCD, specifically as a female that is in a long term relationship with a male. I see a lot of people struggling, I am still struggling, too, but I've really been putting trust in the ERP process the past three weeks and I can see how ERP works. When you're going through the motions of ERP, you really won't see the point until you do. It's very much a trust the process therapy. Until you really commit to saying "maybe, maybe not" each time you think you're turning the non-preferred sexual orientation, each time you try to rationalize with yourself, each time you try to reach for certainty irregardless if it's trying to accept the sexuality your SOOCD is based on or if you're desperately trying to remind yourself of the sexuality you know yourself to be, you are not going to see why ERP works. Here's what ERP looked like for me today for five hours: I watch a video that triggers me like a late bloomer lesbian explaining things she did before she realized she was actually just a lesbian. ---> I get the urge to think and analyze if it applies to me and my past and present because I obviously don't want to be lesbian, but if I am, I don't want to continue leading my boyfriend on. ---> It feels like I really OUGHT to take this insight seriously and maybe I do give in a little and start analyzing past relationships and find that it does apply to me somewhat. ---> I get anxious and start thinking I'm realizing something and turning lesbian. ---> I tell myself "maybe, maybe not". ---> I start rationalizing and analyzing again without any effort because I very much still feel like I need to figure this out RIGHT NOW. ---> As soon as I catch myself doing it, I say "maybe, maybe not," and stop the train of rationalization and analysis in its track. ---> But this feels like denial, I NEED TO ADDRESS the information right now otherwise I'll be in denial! ---> MAYBE, MAYBE NOT ---> Continue working, go sit with my family, or play with my cat all while being uncomfortable and repeating "maybe, maybe not" everytime I feel like I'm turning lesbian or I try to rationalize why I am not. You must stop reaching for certainty! I eventually calmed down and facetimed my boyfriend and it was a lovely time.

Something very traumatic happened in my life. I’ve actually had several very traumatic events, and years living in survival mode. I’ve spent the last five, almost six years in depersonalization and derealization. But a few months ago something very traumatic happened and I lost a lot of my friends, and a lot of things important to me. On top of this I live with my narcissistic parents who were trying to do everything to keep me from continuing to work to pave my road to independence. They were saying to take my time and mourn the loss, which is crazy because part of the reason of that traumatic event is that they tried to sabotage me. My dad threatened “if you don’t get your attitude right there will be consequences I don’t care how old you are.” I’m a young adult , I still live with my parents. They’ve made it nearly impossible for me to become independent. My “attitude” is nothing more than me trying to gain independence and maybe having a ‘slightly’ different opinion than him. I used to be able to rest at home after I came back from work. Now I’m 24-7 on edge. I have to act happy 24-7 and I can’t sleep at night. It’s 24-7 constant hell. I have no friends and no contacts. My dad has never been violent just to clarify but he’s terrifying because he still has control over me. I work two jobs right now. I’m doing it to help me pay for a car. But he’s trying to do everything he can to keep me from this. And ever since this traumatic event I can barely focus on anything I’m in a constant state of panic and fear. Before the event, I was doing really well at work and I had my plans all coming together. I could go to work, come home and rest. Now with work, I work twice as hard to focus but I’m half as focused even when I put in more effort. I am desperate. I will do anything to get out of this state of panic and get my focus back. I have to perform well at work to gain my independence. But the more worried I get, the more panicked I get. 24-7 I’m worried what is my dad going to do if I have the slightest “attitude” which he basically considers not pretending to be happy 24-7 and not laughing at every one of his jokes. He doesn’t even have a job he just stays home and basically annoys and tortures everybody and than tells us how terrible we are and tells us how we should be happier and how we’re terrible people and we all have to pretend like we think he’s a great person even though he literally does nothing. But anyway, I’m frozen in fear. I want to learn to compartmentalize. Before this traumatic event I could do this. Even though I lived with toxic parents I did my work for the day, I said “yes ma’am and yes sir” and showed respect then I went in my room, locked the door and I was done for the day. But now after this trauma I am in constant fear. Plus after my dad’s threat “there will be consequences,” I feel like I can’t relax even in my own home. Please help I need to compartmentalize what’s happening so I can rest at the end of the day. I don’t know what to do. I have to be able to focus at work instead of constantly being panicked. I read stuff that you need to do anything to escape a narcissist. Which is what I’m trying to do but I feel like the more I try to escape the more panicked I become so the less I can actually work because I’m just in a constant state of panic. I used to, before this even, just take it like one step at a time, one day at a time. I took independence one step at a time as well. And I think because of this I was actually on a trajectory to gain independence faster because I could actually focus on stuff. Now I’m just panicked because of my dad’s threats I feel like I have to escape. My mind keeps saying “I have to escape I have to escape.” But the more I try to escape the more panicked I become the less I can focus and paradoxically the less I can actually escape. Any one know what to do about this? It’s like the more pressure I put on myself the less I can actually function? Please any advice will help I’m desperate. This is a hellish way to live. I’m just begging for any relief from this hell. But I will not give up no matter what. I just need some advice on how to compartmentalize so I can some rest and some sleep.