Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Sometimes i feel like im using ocd as an excuse. What if i dont really have it and im just freaking myself out? Does anyone feel this way

Does anyone else experience this lingering fear and anxiety because they think they’re capable of hurting someone? It’s killing me. I feel like I’m such a danger. I feel like I’m a predator. I feel like this awful person and I can’t shake it. I want to carry on with my day but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’ve done awful things. I can’t stop crying.

Has anyone been assigned ERP homework that felt genuinely detrimental to your life? I've had a rough patch with my girlfriend and we are finally rebuilding things. My therapist has assigned me homework where I do not message her at all unless she messages me first, or initiate dates or contact unless she does. It feels like playing games. It feels like punishing her for something. I feel like it will undo all of the work we have done to repair. I don't want ERP to ruin my relationship and I feel so gross about it. Does anyone relate?

I very recently found out it was OCD all along that was keeping me hiding from the world and I am only just now realizing what my compulsions are. It’s been very difficult to separate in my brain what my feelings are/reasonable action to take vs what my compulsions are because all of my feelings are so intense. My entire life I’ve been told “it’s not that deep” and “you’re so dramatic just get over it already” and “it’s not that bad”. My own mother has called me weak and lazy for what apparently was this disorder slowly driving me insane. I am so tired. I thought I was autistic for years. I’m not. So now… this suddenly isn’t “I am who I am and I am valid” it’s now “this disorder is ruining my entire life and I’m so tired of fighting my own brain I wish I could just accept this reality and that I have a disorder and live how I need to to feel calm.” Am i supposed to be mean to this inner ocd voice? It wants me to stay home from work and hide my big feelings so I’m not a burden. It’s how I stayed safe growing up- avoidance of situations was the only way out of my mom’s explosive anger. now these survival mode coping skills are keeping me from providing food for myself. My executive dysfunction is so bad I’m barely eating and I’m TRYING to, but I’m not getting enough protein so I can feel myself starving. I am so tired friends. Please tell me: how do I move forward? Can I please just rest first before I have to fight more? I’m trying to add more relaxing activities to my daily life so my work shifts aren’t so daunting. But I can feel my depression coming back with winter coming. I don’t want to spiral again.

So I don’t think I ever had a groinal response until now. Like i hyper focused on the groinal and I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Like I don’t even know if it groinal because every time I hyper focus on this it’s feel like I’m doing it on purpose? I don’t understand. Like I’m focusing on it and then I feel like I do it on purpose. I’m afraid it going to be for life now? What? Yesterday I was better and this today? It’s feel like when I’m focusing on that I’m doing it on purpose. Now I’m trying to block the thought away cause I don’t know if it’s Groinal or not so I don’t want to think about it while I’m having a Groinal or purposely doing a Groinal? I really don’t understand it like I really don’t . It’s feel real. Now I don’t even want to go outside cause what if I see a kid and it will happen cause I’m afraid I’m doing it on purpose

Hey, i would appreciate any small little advice on this post… so idk if this is rocd or not but i feel like i am not showing interest in my boyfriends things and life anymore its like i dont care only and i am okay if he cuts the call soon or actually am even like okay if i dont call him? And will pickup if he calls cause thats like habit or whatever and i feel like i am feeling that so strongly and it cant be ocd cause on video call i feel it like i am not interested in his stuff but i want him to be in mine like just some selfish person and feel like not even want to talk or make excuses to stop talking or whatever and feel relieved when we do and like dont know what to talk about and thats all i can think and it actually true cause i feel it and sometimes my actions of cutting the call are proof of it and i am not anxious but i feel it and do it normally so it cant be ocd right has to be real and that means i am delaying something or not accepting the truth regarding it? He talks about the future sometimes and idk if i even feel like that and yes i dont means its not so, i avoid sometimes even lovey dovey talks and specifically if i am okay with not talking and he is not my priority and i am feeling it and cant deny that and feeling doesn’t budge and am okay with watching my show rather than talking and actually doing it means its true and its coming cause not enough feeling for him or priorities means thats not ocd and this is my habit of writing so i write it or express cause thats my first reaction feel normal and not anxious without doing it as well meaning even writing this is not imp and thinking that and that i am lying to him so its not ocd right? Pls help me…

I’m really struggling with a bad flare up these last couple of weeks. My ocd tends to latch onto my kids. Last night my ocd turned an intrusive thought that I know isn’t true, that i’d normally just shrug off, into me being so depressed not able to beat it because the ocd keeps trying to convince me it’s true and won’t let me believe anything different. I was taking a picture of my kids setting up the tree. What should have been a happy family moment but the ocd said I had a wrong motive. I truly didn’t and I feel like I can’t do anything with my kids anymore without ocd destroying it. It has me so down. I just want to be a normal mom with a normal brain😪

I keep thinking I hate my mom, although before my OCD flared up I never once thought this about her. Her and I are very close and I consider her my best friend. Most of my thoughts target her, especially harm related. When I have this thought, it even feels like I dislike her. But I think this is anxiety and the dread feeling. It makes me sad and I get emotional. But it feels real, and then I think I’m in denial or just telling myself to feel a certain way to not be guilty or whatever. Like I feel angry if someone tells me this isn’t true or that they know I love my mom, and if I feel that way does that mean it’s true? As if they’re trying to force me to feel a certain way or brainwash me to feel something. But I don’t want to hate her, so why would I get mad at that? I know I love her deep down. I have even confessed all this to my mom in a state of panic and she told me she knows it’s my OCD, but now I just feel so guilty for telling her all that since I think I hurt her. What mother wants to hear those things from her daughter? She is so kind and loving, and has done nothing to ever make me think I might hate her. I know I’m in a spiral right now and ruminating too much, but it’s so hard to not think there’s a deeper meaning or if this is how I truly feel. It makes me want to avoid her. I feel so lost and sad.

One of the things that has made my rocd flare up is the fact that my bf and i are now past our honeymoon phase and getting into a new more comfortable stage of our relationship. I’ve never gotten to this point in a relationship before so i’m not used to what comes with this new stage. I know that this stage comes with some conflict, some boredom/frustration, maybe some annoyance because those little differences that used to be cute kinda annoy u a bit now. I also know this is where you make compromises and you grow together to become a strong, calm, reliable love. I have been struggling with this because i have taken any sign of annoyance, disconnection or difference as a red flag. I ran with this and it ignited the intrusive thoughts that i now get everyday. “do you really love him enough? We have differences so we’re not meant to be. You’re lying to him you don’t want this anymore you’re not happy” (that last one is because i deal with these thoughts so much!! nothing to do with him!) Anyways it’s very exhausting because he is the most amazing person and I know that even if we have differences i’d rather work on them than run away. I feel like i’m always half in half out because of these voices in my head. If anyone has any tips on navigating this new phase of a relationship or can attest to some of this being normal it would be great! Any tips on letting thoughts pass as well would be appreciated ! thank you

I'm Sharkey!!

I just feel so tired, hopeless, and desolate. I hate my life so much. I haven’t truly felt this way until recently. I have just been through so much trauma and abuse in my life and it’s built up so much to the point where I have come to truly hate my life. I’m too afraid to actually do anything but I want to die so bad. I don’t know what to do. Life just feels like never ending suffering. I’m 34 yo and alone and unloved and I want this all to be over. I wish so badly that I was a worthy and important person

I have all 4 forms of pure OCD, I'm 47 been dealing with this since I was around 12. This past year rocd came with so much pain and confusion. I didn't get my first taste of exposure therapy until I was 43. I never communicated as a child. So it has developed into a demon within my mind. As far as the rocd it is complicated, but one theme is if I'm attracted enough to my wife. My wife is my heart, my soul mate, and I am very attracted to my wife. I had such a bad trigger today, at a certain angle I could see some wrinkles or something near her mouth. I instantly went into panic mode, had terrible intrusive thoughts. It's so confusing because we age, it's part of life. But it completely caused me to compulse. I've been doing it for probably 8 hours, I can't even think straight. I was just so focused on the wrinkles, and questions like do I think she's not attractive enough started, and haven't stopped. We all age, I never had any of these thoughts for 10 years. I just don't know how to stop compulising, I feel guilty and scared. But I never had these thoughts before, and I love my wife so much and am very attracted to her. But the OCD was so focused on the wrinkles, I couldn't see anything else, I'm in therapy, but I just don't know how to navigate these thoughts. I'm also bipolar, and an alcoholic who deals with content anxiety and depression. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long message.

I experienced kind of a sexual harassment by my uncle when I was 9 years old, I loved him and wanted to hug him and sleep next to him even I had some feelings that I liked to be caressed in a seducing way, then one night I woke up and saw a white liquid on my leg and got traumatized, didn’t know what that was but since then I started to hate him. After that in my teenage years I began to have ocd symptoms and intrusive sexual thoughts about a celebrity with the urge to tell my parents with all the details and it was a hell for me. I saw lots of doctors, one of them sexually harassed me when I was in my mid twenties when I was telling him about all my intrusive sexual thoughts that I had been experiencing, I told him I thought to myself at home as I was seeing myself in the mirror that I might want the doctor to suck my breasts (that was my intrusive thought) and when I wanted to leave the doctor approached me and tried to kiss me and comment disgustingly on what I had said. I cried so much because I didn’t know who I could trust anymore. Right now I am struggling to be in a relationship because I constantly think I might be bisexual and have to try it out with the same sex, experience threesome, and stuff before being in a serious relationship. My past two relationships ended because I never was sure and peaceful in them having these thoughts. Now I’m doubting all the things I wanted to do and scared to death what if I do all of those things and no one ever want to be my partner in the future because of that. What if no one loves me and I make a horrible mistake by experiencing those stuff. I always think I have had the worst experiences and thoughts that I am ashamed of sharing with others and get so overwhelmed. I shared these to see if anyone else feels the same or had similar traumatizing experiences and struggles.

i cant do this anymore im really tired, i cant keep up with all of these thoughts and all of these themes im just tired and i wish i could choose not to care but some of these things are bothersome to my heart so i cant just ignore it idk im so tired. im seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow to get medicine so thatll be great but still these worries are very real worries and i have absolutely no clue how to address them

Hi my name is Olivia and ever since I was about 10 I’ve struggled with anxiety and OCD. I’m now almost 18 and my anxiety and OCD has not gotten much better. If anything I think the anxiety itself lessened but the OCD increased which causes me distress and anxiety. My big issues have always been heath OCD and worrying about all of the what ifs. A few years ago I also started getting harm OCD and feel like it’s at an all time high right now. Im scared of death yet get these thoughts of what if Im gonna hurt myself or act on an intrusive thought and it causes me to get so upset to the point I’ll just cry. I feel like im literally going crazy and that this will never end and worry that im going to just give into my thoughts one day and I just hate feeling this way. I’ve tried therapy but didn’t like my therapists too much in the past but now im with someone new and will be doing my 3rd session this week. It’s just hard because it takes time and I wish there was an immediate solution and the longer it takes the more anxiety I get worrying about the future. I also have the thought in the back of my mind that no one or anything can help me and it scares me because I know this isn’t the type of person I am and these thoughts are not thoughts I want. I also tried different medicines from my psychologist but none of the ones for OCD did much for me besides Anafranil I haven’t given a good chance and I tried again a couple days ago but the side affects were so tough to deal with that I stopped but I might try again and just try to push through. I’m willing to try like anything just to feel better and it’s hard because I go through ups and downs and during this time of the year or at night I notice myself getting worse and i just hate when I’m in a good place and then get bad again it’s just constant up and downs and I want to get to a steady spot. Sorry for this whole essay lol I just downloaded this app and am just trying to find people who can maybe relate and give advice on things that helped them.

i don’t think i can, i can’t stomach the possibility of these things, or maybe i can (because they might be true and deep down i know that) and just don’t want to and want to pretend it isn’t there. i can’t do ERP, i just want to pretend it isnt there and won’t happen to clarify, i know i have to do ERP, i know it’s necessary; i don’t need to be told this, this is just how i am feeling currently

Ill be honest, I want to write a letter if anything happens, if I loose this battle and put and end to it. But even if my thoughts keep coming, I try to keep my head up, stand up strong and look them at them for what they are, thoughts. I’m still scared, I still can’t go to sleep normally, but I feel a tiny bit of hope. I really hope my feeling is right, I really hope. Whathever happens, I’m still proud of myself, I’m still proud of my achievements, I am proud of me. Whathever happens, please don’t forget This message. Please, don’t forget me

Everytime I get a new ocd event it feels so much worse than the others and I look at the others rationally and think idk why I was worrying about those, THIS is the bad one. And I feel like that right now like it just feels like I actually did something horrible and it’s not ocd idk what to do. I want to get reassurance but it might make it worse cuz sometimes I get anxious after confessing to someone.

I was doing really well but today I woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m real, I can’t believe I’m me.” Like an existential crisis and the whole day I have been really struggling. I don’t want this to develop into a new theme, I have just barely recovered from a horrible contamination ocd episode and I don’t want to go backwards. It feels like everything is just impacting me today and I don’t know why. Any advice?

There’s a famous album cover that features a nude baby, and even though it’s not meant to be inappropriate, my OCD keeps fixating on it in a way that makes me feel guilty and anxious. I know that ERP might involve looking at it neutrally, but I feel really conflicted because it feels wrong to even look for it. My brain has been obsessing over it ever since I saw it in Target yesterday. The compulsion I’m dealing with is the urge to look it up to see how I feel about it, but I really don’t want to give in. I already know I feel uncomfortable looking at it. My goal is to get to a place where I can see it without any strong reaction, but I’m not sure how to reach that point. I don’t want to let this interfere with my life. What do I do?