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I am so scared of Hell...i have false memories that make me think im a bad person... I just Hope they are false memories and real... Im so scared

Hi, I’m “Dave” I’m 19 years old with multiple forms of ocd. I’d like to share my experience with ocd as I hope a lot of people will be able to relate to me and not feel alone. As a child I was pretty shy and scared, I had an extremly difficult time making friends that weren’t adults and when I did make young friends it never ended well. One day I met this friend let’s call them Trinidad. Trinidad and I became extremly close friends, hanging out every weekend and they were quite a few years older than me. I grew up in an extremely Christian, sheltered household. I never really had sexual topics brought up as a child and wasn’t sure what sex was in general. This being about kindergarten at the time maybe first grade, it’s pretty understandable. Some background information, Trinidad grew up the complete opposite, I’m not too sure in what way and how and I don’t really care to find out. They would have me come over every week and my mom being a workaholic and an alcoholic it was an easy way to get me out of the house. At some point in this friendship Trinidad would start pushing the ideas that friends “touch each other”, they do all these things with each other and ofc a young child with no idea of sex thought this to be true. These events went from showing me pornography to full on beatings tying me down and shoving foreign objects places they don’t belong. This went on from the time of kindergarten probably till about 4-5th grade on and off. I would be begging crying to my mother to make me not go over there but after a certain age where I was capable of deciding that those actions were homosexual, and my family being extremist Christian’s. I had no place to share that information. The confusion as a child was shoved down, and would come out in ways I never thought would be possible. I know I’m not gay, bisexual, or any of the sorts although I can admit my attraction to other men but I see it as jealousy. I have spent my entire life trapped in my mind after the realization of what happened. I tried to shove it all down and forget but this was not a trauma you could, every single second of the day, the mention of it, the thought of it, seeing a person openly gay, or when your other guy friends joke around call you gay or a sissy or whatever, would send a shock down my entire body as it constantly reminded me of the judgment I have from hiding everything what happened. As a child, I did force myself to forget for a very very long time and I never really understood why those things affected me so much. For example, when I was 16 years old, I was afraid that if I touched metal something horrible would happen it was a form of pure disgust and torture, just towards holding a spoon or a coin, a metal hand railing at school, the metal part of a pencil that holds and eraser. After 3 years I’ve realized it was because of the metal “foreign objects” they used on me as a child sent me into that fear. This is something I still deal with almost everyday but it is slowly progressing towards me understanding that the things that happened are uncontrollable. They might’ve sucked or been traumatizing but it’s something you just need to learn how to counteract instead of shutting down. If I’m in a bad place mentally, relationships aren’t going great, my car breaks down, works stressful. I will have thousands and thousands of thoughts running through my mind from what I’ve talked about now to just base self judgement and hatred over anything. The way I stopped the fear of metal is by every-time I felt that disgust, id grip on to whatever object I didn’t wanna touch and rub my hands all over it, although this did feel like torture. When you have those thousands of thoughts running through your mind it’s because you’re stuck in a loop, it’s the same shit over and over and over again, every-time you justify it and find a way out a new issue with that justification arises. You need to break the cycle, when your brain is in that loop force yourself to focus on something else. My biggest things are colors, smells, sounds especially music. When I hit that stuck in my head the world disappears times, I start searching for a specific color 5 blue objects, 5 green objects, why are they there what’s the significance of them. I found that having heavily brain powered hobbies helps me like taking apart controllers, tvs, computers, my car and piecing them back together by memory and not giving up until it works helps. With the music, I have a 4000$ sound system in my car that reaches upwards of 140 decibels, I will sit in my car and feel the music and in this vehicle it’s pretty hard not too 😂. I’ve gone to therapy, it doesn’t work but sharing my experiences, my thoughts about myself, my thoughts about others, sexual impulses that I get from the cptsd and h-ocd To the people that I feared to say it to my entire life. Them telling me that what I’m going through, what I feel, how I act is a completely normal action. That they are sorry and see how hard it is for them just talk about it not out of judgement but self guilt for making me feel the way I did as a child, helped a lot. With a disease/disorder like this you need to find the people, places and things that take your mind away and just run with it. Just because something happens in your life, it doesn’t define who you are. Say even if as a child all that happened you start spreading that info to your friends and you were the one who initiated shit. You were a child a very confused one and take where you are right now mentally and remind yourself. Do i see the wrong in my actions? Do I see what’s wrong with the things that happened? Well than that’s all the change you need. The fact you can differentiate yourself be able to choose not to do things, because the past doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you learn from what happen, change the way you act and respond in situations and learn to forgive the people that did it, the people who made you feel judged, and most importantly yourself. You don’t have a long life and it could end any moment, take the actions and decisions to realize you are just a human who makes mistakes, and stuff happens. Analyze, determine and then respond to any uncomfortable situation and be the change in your life because nobody else will.

I feel like I want to throw up I’m think I’m having Groinal response for like 4 days none stood I can’t stop crying. When I’m hyper focused it’s terrible I feel it. I’m afraid I’m doing it on purpose and when I’m thinking I’m having the Groinal on purpose I have a specific intrusive thoughts that kills me it’s on someone specific I want to throw up . I feel super bad it’s for four days in a row I can’t stop crying I hate that feeling. I think i move my groin on purpose to the thought it’s every second of the day. I feel like I want to throw up I feel horrible I never felt like this. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought I don’t I swear I feel carzy and it’s a specific thought with specific person. I just broke down in front of my parents again I can’t live like this. I’m a bad person. It’s just that I get the urge down there to move my groin and I’m not doing this purpose to the thought but they come and I feel horrible. It’s like this all day I could feel my going and I have the urge to move it and a spesific imag shows up I want to throw up. It’s been horrible 4 days what if I’m a p I don’t want to be one I want to throw up now can’t stop crying. Please why me why me why me what if I’m a p ? I don’t want to be one. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought but it’s happen because of a stopid urge and because I hyper focus. What if I’m move my groin purposely to the thought??? No no no omg. I can’t live like this omg whattt? I feel like a monster? How will I live a normal life? When I can’t pass the day??? Nothing helps not therapy not medication so maybe it’s means I’m a p and a bad person I don’t want to be one. But my stopid mind is always against me I want to throw up. I just cried in front of my parents again and they got mad again omg I’m terrified I barely could sleep at night. What if I do it on purpose ?? What if I’m a one? What if I never live a normal life? I can’t do it

How do ya'll deal with not having any support from family? I had a panic attack yesterday and I didn't know what to do so I called my dad in hope he might offer some support. But all he did was scream at me and said that I should "stop whining". I understand that it might be annoying to deal with a family member with mental health issues. But his comment has hurt me so much and makes me feel like I am all alone in this.

I've been with my gf since we were 15 years old. We are together for nearly 4 years and I couldn't be happier. I've always had this feeling I'd marry her, and thats only grown stronger. I am now ready to move in with her, we are just waiting for the right time financially. We are doing phenomenal as a couple, and I couldn't be more in love. I've struggled with ocd my whole life, but rocd hit me in the face a few months ago. I'm in therapy so it's LEAPS AND BOUNDS better than it was. But ever since I was around 14, I created this plan in my head that in college I would sleep around and jump from girl to girl. Because in my head, I really like that idea. And I only got into this relationship saying that we would break up when college came, she said she still wanted to be my gf and that she would wait for me. Needless to say, freshman in college now, that's changed. I stayed with her and my rocd hit. Now that I have it tamed, I'm scared that what if I want to actually jump from girl to girl? What if we last but then because I didn't jump around I'll eventually cheat? I just keep getting intense anxiety whenever I'm around a gay girl and I used to have this thing when I was younger that I could never just really like being friends with a girl. It always had to be more than that cause I'd get confused. And what's funny is I've "hooked up" with plenty of people over the phone, and I barely remember. It was fucking significant. So why am i trying to throw away a woman that I KNOW is the only woman I ever want touching me? I know it was a lengthy post but someone please help.

I was wondering if anyone else struggles with similar fears/OCD obsessions? I haven’t heard of anyone else with similar worries which just makes me feel so alone. I’ve had a somewhat traumatic experience being lied to once by my partner (about their tobacco addiction), and ever since then, I’ve been obsessed with making sure I don’t get lied to again. I have so many intrusive thoughts about him lying to me about it again or about random things (other than tobacco). So it’s a mix of trust issues and OCD. I’m terrified of someone hiding something “bad” from me again, or finding something out, so I’m constantly feeling the need to check things or ask for reassurance. Note: we’ve worked through what happened with the lie and are both seeing therapists, so I do have quite a bit of logic/reasoning with knowing he won’t lie to me about it again, etc. We are healthily working through the relationship side of it!

There’s a stupid urge that’s been bugging me for a month. It’s stupid it’s to type out “cp” (spelled out) into Google. I know this is essentially harmless all I would get is articles and whatnot. But it still is bugging the hell out of me. I feel like if I just do it once it’ll go away. I don’t know if that’s the OCD talking but it’s driving me insane because I get filled with dread every other hour when the thought to do it shows up. It had calmed down but now it’s back times 10. I know it’s quite literally harmless to type that, I know the results because of a Reddit post on morbid curiosity. I just don’t understand why my brain is so hyper focused on this. I almost gave into it the other day bc it feels ridiculous. I don’t know what to do. What do I do???

Tonight I was watching a tv show, and there was a scene where the girl said ‘can we just be friends’ to the guy. I don’t know why, but it really triggered my ROCD. I was so confused how she could be so sure that they should just be friends, and why I’m not sure how I feel. If I’m having doubts about my relationship, that must be a sign that something is wrong. I’m terrified I’m ignoring myself or I’m being fake to myself because I want a relationship. But, part of me knows I really care for my boyfriend. I love talking with him, he makes me laugh and is thoughtful. (My brain just then said I’m lying to myself again 😡) I can’t shake this feeling that I’m lying to myself about loving him, it haunts me. Every time I see him, talk to him, text him, the thought is always there right with me. I try my best to be present, but I know I’m not really truly present. It’s so sad for me 😞 I’ve diagnosed myself with ROCD, even though I have been diagnosed with pure ocd in the past. How can I be happy with someone with these thoughts? My brain goes ‘why are you doing this to yourself?’ My brain is making my relationship sound like something I shouldn’t do. I fear I will never shake these feelings, and I will end up ignoring myself and living a lie. In the past, I stayed with someone who actually was not a good person - I knew it deep down, but didn’t want to be alone and made excuses. Everyone around me knew he was bad, but didn’t tell me. It makes me not trust myself now, even though this relationship is COMPLETELY different. My family really likes him, he treats me well and shows he cares. Even staying over a night with him sends me into a panic, even though I really want to go, my ocd just ruins it for me. I feel trapped. (Comments that say ‘that doesn’t sound good’ etc trigger me, thanks 🙏🏻)

Hey Everyone. I'm new to this and I figured I would reach out to groups of people in similar situations. I have had OCD and intrusive thoughts in my life since a young age. When I was a Kid, I constantly checked my blood sugar out of fear I had diabetes. I did it so often you could see where the skin was lanced at, a bunch of little dots on every single finger tip. I have always had that fear of "what if, what if, what if" and I'm tired of it. I want to rise above it and work on making my life somewhat normal. I'm currently going through therapy and where it does help, our sessions are far and few in between. I have so much anxiety about certain weird aspects of my life. I have to sing my abcs to feel like my hands are clean. I constantly have intrusive thoughts bringing up things about my past and my trauma. Do I have a disease? Am I going to contaminate something I touch? Do I love my partner? Do I find my partner attractive? I was molested as a kid, would I do that to a kid? Even though I know how I really feel it creeps up and takes over my mind. It gets loud. So loud, but silent at the same time. It becomes pressure. The back of my neck tenses and I feel something looming over me. Like it's the puppet master pulling the strings. I read a few posts on here and it feels reassuring that I'm not going through this type of stuff alone. I'm constantly feeling alone and broken because of it, despite my therapist telling me I'm not. For instance, last night my gf of five years and I had intimate time and when I wanted to enjoy myself, my brain triggered by the smell of her breath and it shot me back to a memory of my first partner. My first partner and I, we had a good relationship in the beginning but it became writhing with toxicity and hurt towards the middle and the end. I don't want to think of that. It's unwanted. The more I don't want to think it, the more it's forced on me. I'm tired. Not suicidal tired but I'm wearing thin. It feels like the thoughts I don't want to think about, win. If anybody has a similar experience to me and you found something that tried and it works. Please link the tools! I am open to everything. I want to be normal.

So I just wanted to talk about this. I’m an actor and I’m in a relationship with someone who I could see myself marrying. He’s the best partner I could ever ask for. He’s already said he’d move with me to NYC so I could pursue my dream. Years ago I went to Germany to study drama for a month and it’s definitely somewhere I could visit again and I’ve even thought it would be cool to live there. It has always been sort of a cool idea. Musical Theatre is pretty big in Hamburg as well and I have some connections there. I asked my BF if he’d ever consider going there with me after NYC. Or even the possibility of going there. He’s not super keen on it and I see why. You’d have to get a job there and know German pretty well, even though English is spoken somewhat frequently. He’s a writer and he’s not sure he’d want to be somewhere where English isn’t the primary language. It all makes sense, but now I’m seeing it as our relationship is doomed and we’ll have to breakup because now I have to move to Germany even though it was never at the forefront of my mind. NYC has always been a MUST to try. Breaking up due to distance, differing career paths, etc has always been a fear. Lots of friends tell me to never choose a boy over my career, but my BF isn’t just a boy. He’s the love of my life. I don’t want to pursue something that isn’t a guarantee success and then I lose my partner who I do love deeply. The kicker is that all this would possibly happen YEARS from now. We aren’t even sure when we would move to NYC. I think it’s just a legitimate concern as a person that I have but I’ve always had relationship OCD and this uncertainty is VERY HARD to deal with. Thank you for reading and seeing my ramblings

I never had Groinal until like 3 days ago and it’s horrible omg. I hate it it’s like 24/7 and it’s all the time reminds me about ocd I hate that feeling. What if I’m going to feel it forever? I had it none stop for 3 days so it can be forever or not? I’m terrified I just want to get rid of this asap but it would be compulsion. I’m afraid what if it’s going to be forever what if I hyper focus on it forever? Like every second of the day for life? What if I could not live a normal life because of this? It’s horrible I don’t want to feel it all the time

Does anyone also know of any support groups?

This may upset some people reading so here is just a warning that these are disturbing I don’t know what to do to make the bad thoughts stop. My mom recently had a baby, my little brother. I wasn’t exactly happy about this pregnancy, but I have nothing against my brother. He’s adorable and silly. Nothing against him. But I feel like these thoughts bug me because what if deep down I do resent him because I didn’t want my mom to have another kid? What if I did act on these things because I hate him? What if I just lose it and do something? It’s all so illogical, I know. Never would I ever want to do that. But there’s times I’m watching him for a few minutes for my mom and my brain just shows me an awful scene of me brutally hurting him or killing him. Or I’ll be holding him and my brain shows me a scene where I purposefully drop him or I just hurt him so badly. I’ll be walking near him and my brain tells me I’m going to stomp on him. It shows me such bad things. I have intrusive thoughts all the time, but this is different because there’s a semi good reason I “could” do it. That being, I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. And it scares me. I’ve started crying because I was so scared it was going to happen. I have to back up away from him or sit down so there’s no way I can do anything. I feel horrible. I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m so scared I will. But I won’t. I’m hoping this makes sense to others who struggle with this. Because to anyone else who’s never gone through these things I’ll sound insane. And sound like a psychopath. Thanks for reading. Any help would be appreciated.

This theme is not a usual one for me but it's eating me up today. I'm married and I love my spouse with all of my heart. I couldn't imagine a world without her. We've been together years now and I don't ever wanna think about being separated from her. That's why this has been tough. Yesterday, a female coworker came to me asking for some help looking for something. I walked her over to this staircase as I figured what she was looking for was probably upstairs. Once we got there we were having small talk about work when all of a sudden I had a bad feeling. Feeling like I had just done something wrong. I quickly then made sure there was adequate distance between us...not that we were close to begin with, just made sure of it. As I walked back to my area, I felt a ense of doom. Somehow my brain concocted this story that I must've kissed her, and that's why I felt that feeling. I replayed it over and over again, and I'm not even sure know what exactly happened. Like now I don't even know why exactly I felt that feeling...like, did I have an intrusive thought that triggered it? Was it just a random bad feeling without thinking of any thoughts or images? Also wondered if I felt it because I did do something wrong and just somehow immediately forgotten about it. It's bothered me since last night, I don't think I could live with myself if I did something to ruin our marriage and friendship. We may not always get along, but that's normal and she's still the best friend I've ever had. I have a feeling that I would know if I did something...it wouldn't have just happened and I just completely forgot. It would've been super weird of me to even do and so far outside my nature even if I were single. But you know how ocd is. Somehow OCD can make you feel like you remember almost everything else about an event, but that one bad thing you fear you did- you must've somehow blacked out that one section of memory instantaneously. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Feel free to chime in if you've had similar experiences or share your stories/vents as well! Have a good day!

I just want to say That when I get this therapy I hope I heal and I hope my brain goes back to normal the way it was and I hope all these false feelings go away and thoughts and urges although I feel nothing and I feel like this is the new me I know deep down it's not I just really hope it doesn't get worse and that I can finally have normal thoughts I just really pray to God I can feel like me again if not then I guess I'm stuck like this thank you guys for helping me me the best you can. I just hope this passes beacuse it genuinely feels like I'm changed and that the feelings are there it's scary. Like my brain doesn't even react anymore with disgust or anxiety neither does my body the thoughts just come up and checking is exhausting and when I don't think about it it still comes this is a scary tome for me I've never had ocd this bad before beacuse I knew who I was before all this idk anymore. I feel like I'm in denial about being a monster and that I actually feel like I do desire these things that's how real it is the lingering feeling is still there it feels like I enjoy this it's terrifying How powerful the brain is cognitive thinking is no joke. It really does change how u feel and affects you badly I don't wish this on anybody. 🪽🪽🪽

I feel like I know everything that my mind is doing yet cannot escape the same predictable trick OCD plays on me. I have an obsession, I know that performing compulsions only feeds the cycle and acts as a temporary relief. Though I know to not suppress these thoughts because that labels them as bad and scary. I’m told not to pose judgement towards my intrusive thoughts, and simply let them pass almost as a spectator views clouds passing by. I attempt to do this, and then feel a sense of discomfort. I tell myself an rpm (response prevention method) “this is uncomfortable but I can cope”. But I sit with this discomfort all day, thoughts neither entering nor exiting my mind, just a background feeling of guilt and an urgency to perform my compulsion which is research and rumination. I know not to pose judgement towards myself here and to give myself grace, and acknowledge that I’m doing the best I can. But I don’t feel that way. I am an overachiever. I have extremely good grades, I am in very good shape, but feel held back from experiencing joy both in doing my passions and harvesting the rewards of my labor. What does one who is completely self aware of how their OCD functions do. Why can my brain not distinguish real danger for irrational fear? Logic does not cure OCD. I waste too much time thinking about my obsessions. “Am I depressed” “am I suicidal”, it’s the same thoughts that trigger anxiety and urgency to gain insight. OCD is connected to what we care about most. I want to live my life, I want to make friends, go out, and ENJOY doing that. Why can’t I understand that nothing is wrong. What in my head is like “woah woah woah, we need to look at this thought for 3 hours to make sure this won’t happen, because you can’t validate it until you find the specific piece of information you need to feel better. I feel like my logic and emotions are very detached. I can understand the concept of holding no judgement or guilt towards self, but it’s different in trying to feel this. Feeling better and understanding how to feel better are completely different. One who feels good has no need to understand how their mind works on a predictable level, as they feel in control and in unison in identity with the thoughts and concepts which flow through their minds, as they cause no immediate distress. But I have to map out how my mind works predict how it will act in different scenarios (after I wake up, in social settings), in order to maximize the enjoyment I feel from immediate feelings. I’ve had to learn to live with combined emotions. To laugh while feeling a sense of dread in the background. I can feel happy and anxious. But I want to feel as I think on a rational level. Escape the irrational. So I know I must just accept the cards I’ve been dealt. I am in therapy, and feel like a broken record writing this. I am simply venting. I want to use the credentials I gain in my hard work to better the current mental health crisis. To give everyone a fair and proper treatment to their very specific issues at hand. There is too much individual experience akin to how one experiences mental illness. Therefore treatment should be specified more for each individual. In regard to how I’ll get by, I must manage to accept my position, gradually become more and more aware of my mental cycles to where I can predict and ultimately control how I respond to certain thought cycles.

Hi everyone, I’m 21 and I was diagnosed with OCD at 16. I had a great therapist who was trained to treat OCD and we made a lot of progress, but I moved out of state for college and had to find someone new. I’ve been seeing someone else who is trained to treat OCD too for about a year now and they’ve been super helpful, but I feel like I’m caught in a cycle. I did some ERP and it has helped, but I think I need to focus on it more than I ever have. I’ve only ever gone to therapy once a week at most, and I considered that a lot. But I have been struggling a LOT the past few months, and have only really been addressing new stressors that have triggered my OCD, rather than doing actual exposure work. I’ve also been in the process of finding an effective medication, and the past few months have felt like a vicious cycle of weaning off of a med and trying a new one, the weaning period making my OCD horrible, my OCD cooling down, a few weeks of being as anxious as usual (upsetting things usually being a 6 or 7 and obsessing in small chunks for up to an hour a day), then chatting with my psychiatrist about a new med, rinse and repeat. I feel like I’ve kind of boomeranged in progress, and I wonder if I’d benefit from more intensive (2+ sessions a week) treatment with ERP to address the obsessions that have been making me miserable. For anyone who’s recovered from severe OCD or has gotten a good grip on it, what resources did you use? Did you do intensive therapy (lots of erp multiple times a week) or was once a week enough for you? Did you see an expert from NOCD or something else? How did medication come into play? I feel like I’ve plateaued, and I want to put the hard work in to get to a place where I have power over my ocd and can live a more care free life!

Knowing that I have to pay money for a service that is causing me more problems than actually helping me is infuriating.

I have ADHD and I’m struggling with impulsivity related to intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, I get these strong urges to act on a thought, and I start taking action. But then, right as I’m about to make contact or do it, I freeze in confusion and terror, realizing what I’m about to do. It’s like I’m caught between the urge and the awareness that I don’t want to follow through. Has anyone experienced something similar, where the impulsivity leads you to take action before you realize what’s happening? How do you manage that confusion and prevent following through with the urge?

I seem to have a reverse form of ROCD where I am constantly terrified of my partner finding another woman more attractive than me and terrified of it being my partners ideal physical type. I have made several changes to my body (not asked for by him) to become his “physical ideal”. This was all made worse with his pornography addiction where I saw photos on his phone of gigantic breasts and Latin women (which I am neither). I am supposed to marry this man and I wonder how can I marry someone and know for the rest of my life that I’m not actually their “ideal woman” because I am not Latin and I have straight hips and small deflated breasts instead of the hourglass shaped implant women that he had tons of photos of on his phone? How can I stay witn someone knowing this forever? He stopped watching porn but I feel like illl never forget that I’m not what gets him “off”. Also I can’t watch movies with him or go in public with him if there are hot women around because I can’t bear the thought of him seeing a woman and finding her more attractive than me. What is the point of marriage if your partner finds other women hotter than you? Why would anyone get married knowing that their partner is going to find other women more attractive?