Welcome to
the NOCD Community

How do you tell the difference between real guilt/shame verses something ocd. And what if it’s both? What if your real event ocd is something that really is very bad. And not just ocd.

Does anyone else struggle with OCD when it comes to breathing? I've had this for about two years now on and off and finally had enough and came on here to say this. When I try to explain this to other people, therapists, etc. they just don't get it, so maybe someone on here does. I literally cannot stop thinking about my breathing and when it is at its worst, the very act of breathing feels incredibly uncomfortable. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, I constantly feel like I'm having to catch my breath, and I constantly feel the urge to take a giant, "complete" breath and that is the only way I feel comfortable. It's usually manageable during the day, but at night when I try to go to sleep it's awful because when my brain has nothing else to focus on it reverts to the breathing. People tell me to just stop thinking about it but I literally cannot. Can anyone else relate or am I all alone on this one

Idk I feel I used to be so much more romantic with my bf before all of this but lately because of all of this I’m finding it really hard to be romantic. Even just kissing sometimes makes me nervous. I haven’t written him a love letter or poetry in 2 months or so (the last time I felt half decent for like 2 days and then it just went away cuz I started panicking again after a female friend who happens to be a lesbian gave me a Christmas gift). He bought me flowers for our 11 month and wrote me a romantic note and my brain said I don’t feel the same and I started panicking and I’m checking if I’ve been romantic today or have shown it and I have felt in love today just looking at him but fuckinf hell my brain is just blabbing on and on in the background about me being gay and not loving my bf. I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me cuz I don’t feel the butterflies and I’m feeling nauseous and just sick and tired of my brain. When I have a good day I have a good day and I feel comfortable but I still can’t pixture the future. Idk if it’s cuz it’s just hard to conceptualize for me or if it’s cuz I don’t want it with him? I think I still do. I’m nervous but he makes me happy and I feel like he is my other half. Saying that makes me feel like I’m lying Maybe I’m scared of being romantic again in case I think I’m lying to him? Cuz what if I am a lesbian and I write him a love letter then the next day I tell him I don’t love him anymore? I lied. But I do love him. I’m not a lesbian. I’m bi. Just cuz I’m dating a man doesn’t make me less bi. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 8 months and that one relationship I was in was toxic as hell. He never paid attention to me, he never wanted to physically be near me, wouldn’t let me kiss him on the cheek?? I felt. Idk worthless. But I put so much effort into loving him cuz I loved him. Now I’m being loved and I can’t conceptualize loving him back anymore?? Even tho I do? Have I fallen out of love cuz I don’t feel consistent feelings? Do I not want the future cuz I’ve fallen out of love? I do want it tho. It feels nice. It doesn’t fill me with overly excitedness but it does make me happy to think about spending my life with him. I know I can’t get any answer but I’m trying to distinguish between ROCD and actual feelings. I’m trying to figure out if it’s actually incompatibility or if I’m just overly anxious and desperate for control over our lives (I think it’s this honestly. Idk what the future will look like cuz of the interfaith aspect so I wanna control as much as I can). I wanna write him a love letter and tell him how much I love and appreciate him but my body is stopping me. I don’t have motivation to which saddens me. And then I have anxiety about sitting and writing cuz what if everything I’m writing is a lie? He gives me so much. Is that the reason I’m scared of breaking up cuz there’s never a right time? There’s never a right time cuz I don’t wanna fucking do it lol. I’m scared I don’t love him as much as he loves me. Or I don’t love him at all. I don’t feel trapped I feel confused. Every time he gives me smtjn it’s “oh my god thank you so much honey I love it” and then my brain jumps to “lol no you don’t break up with him” and I have to keep a smile on my face so I don’t start crying. I love him so much and I cannot hurt him. The thought of losing him is so scary and painful but saying that I don’t feel any physical pain or guilt. I’m just sad. I think I’ve been numbed out to everything I’ve experienced and now I’m just a blob. When hes with me god I am happy but I’m still ruminating and checking. I just wanna love him peacefully. What do I do

I'm constantly worrying that I'm gonna take a bunch of medicine and overdose. I've had this theme for years and it's only gotten worse. My mom currently has all my medicine in her room because it's gotten so bad to the point where I don't feel comfortable around medicine at all because I'm scared I'm just gonna take all of them and die. I've always been a hypochondriac so whenever I have physical symptoms from my anxiety my ocd start to tell me that Im experiencing the symptoms because I took medicine. Whenever I swallow sometimes I convince myself that I'm swallowing a pill. Whenever my mom gives me my medicine she always tells me to grab a water bottle so now everytime I want some water just to drink it my ocd convinces me that I really just want to drink the water to take a whole bunch of medicine with it. At this point I don't know what to do I'm currently not seeing a therapist right now and I think that can be a reason why it's so bad as well. And it's been a little over a month since I started taking Zoloft and going off of Escitalopram. My ocd was bad with escitalopram as well but now it's accompanied by physical anxiety symptoms which causes me anxiety and in turn makes my ocd worse. I just need some advice.

I don’t even know where to start with this but i’m in such a deep pit with my relationship with my partner (they/them pronouns just so no one gets confused) and I have never been more confused in my life on where to move forward. We have been dating for a year and a half and it feels like they were literally made for me. Our love has never faded and I love them so deeply and they treat me so incredibly well, but something has been bothering me for a year now and it’s been weighing on me. When we kiss, I don’t really feel that “amazing.” It’s just kinda checking a box. I also have no sexual attraction to them, but I never have because going into the relationship I thought I was asexual. I still feel that if I were to find someone else, I probably would be too afraid of sex to do anything, but now i’m more curious of how many other paths are out there waiting for me if I were to not be with my partner. I can’t shake the thought that I am only 19 and in my college years and I should be having fun experimenting like my friends, or that I should be with someone I am sexually attracted to, but i’m with my partner instead. I am so in love with them still and every night I go to bed thinking about not having them anymore it breaks my heart. I’ve already shared with them all of these feelings and the worst part is they are being so sweet telling me not to hate myself for these feelings (which I definitely do) and to take my time figuring it out and they will be there if I need them. I can’t bear to make them or myself wait any longer I just want to run into their arms. What the hell do I do?

I've noticed this past year that I sometimes really struggle with emotional shopping. I'm not always sure if it's impulsive or compulsive buying. I'm also grieving the death of my mlm, so I think it's a little bit of both. Sometimes I shop so that I can be around people and not feel alone. I also shop because I love the sensory experience of certain stores. It's fun to look at colorful things, spell the perfume section, hear the soft music, and touch the soft clothes. I like to admire the beauty and craftsmanship of things. I wish there were more museums and galleries where I live, because I think that shopping kind of scratches that itch. What I hate though is when my brain gets a sticky thought and I decided I need a specific item. I'll feel frozen because I want to make the "correct" decision. For example, if I decide I need a pair of nice work shoes or a pair of jeans, my brain obsesses on finding the best pair for the best price. I will not be able to focus on things. My brain gets stuck on "needing" to find the best deal and most optimal item. Sometimes I'll get a sticky thought about an item I genuinely don't need (i.e. a pair of pink sparkley Betsy Johnson heels). If I get one of these sticky thoughts and then buy the unnecessary heels, then I end up making a poor financial decision. Eventhough I want the pink heels or the New Balance Running shoes (a "useful" item) and I technically have enough money to buy them without going into debt, I struggle to have the self control to wait and spread out my purchases. I struggle to find balance. I really hate it. It sucks. It usually happens when my nervous system is feeling all over the place and I don't feel grounded. I struggle with hoarding disorder and I've been trying to be gentle with myself when I get discouraged. I try to thrift and not shop online because I notice that it generally makes me feel happier. It also helps my bank account not suffer as much.

TW currently I’m very in between my life continuing or not. I am a monster I am. I have become the monster that did harm to me as a child. Here’s the story. I was picking up my nephew and rocking him back and forth when I noticed I got a groinal response and felt so disgusted by it. I continued so I could put him to bed and the response continued so I stopped because it’s just so disgusting that my body would respond to that. My brain is trying to tell me no you liked that , you kept going there’s more and you’ve become who you feared. I know nothing more happened, I know I let him go because that’s just simply disgusting.I love him to the moon and back and would never implement such hurt but now I feel like the damage is done. He didn’t cry or anything because I was doing it, he only cried because he was fighting the sleep but he was already tired. Still , I stopped doing it and used another method to help him sleep. Anyway now I just want to end it all because of that. I don’t deserve to have a loving family or my life.

I have been dealing with SO-OCD for the past couple months. I’ve made a lot of progress! This theme has caused me to really be in tune with my feelings and I know im a straight woman. My issue is that I still have the intrusive thoughts, which I understand is granted, but it’s cause physical reactions. At first it started as groinal responses and anxiety which were terrifying, but since I question myself less the intrusive thoughts cause me to physically cringe and or feel sick. I took advice from Reddit saying that if I envisioned myself being intimate with the same sex and you like it then you’re gay, if you don’t then you’re not. Well sure enough I don’t like it lol. The envisioning of this has now caused me to, flinch, cringe and sometimes want to throw up. Does this ensure my feelings and does anyone else go through this? I want the intrusive thoughts to go away. Especially since I’m not homophobic and so I can go back to daydreaming without those thoughts ruining them lol.

I am so happy there is an app where I can talk to others that have OCD!! I’ve struggled with it since I was about 7 (I am now 19) but it has not been as bad as it has the last 6 months. I don’t exactly know what happened, but I did have some medication changes and with that came A LOT of health anxiety. My question is, has anyone been prescribed anti-depressants, and have they worked? I am considering them. I am anxious every second of the day and I am getting sick of it.

hi, I just started taking a low dosage of zoloft(sertraline) for OCD and generalized anxiety and I am on my second day. For anyone who has taken an SSRI or my specific medicine, how long did it take for you to notice a difference?

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.

why won’t my brain let me enjoy my relationship? why can’t i just enjoy my boyfriend and how sweet he is without my brain forcing me to compare him to someone else or other relationships and make me question if im even happy or if im settling and if i love him or just love the idea of a relationship. i find myself always double checking and making sure how i feel. my biggest fear is hurting him. i don’t want my mental illness to ruin something good. i don’t want my mental illness to destroy my relationship. i don’t know what to do!

my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(

I can’t stop feeling really down and sad I can’t take it anymore idk who I am anymore I’ve feel like I’m losing myself and morals I can’t self pleasure anymore because I fear that I will act on my intrusive thoughts because recently I’ve been dealing with these new situation where I would get a thought in my mind and in the moment it feels as if like I’m enjoying the thought or I’m still flashing myself because of the thought and then immediately I panic and I stop and I start crying because I’m worried that I did something really bad and I’ve never had a problem with the situation ever like this is the first time I hate having POC D because I am stuck here constantly questioning myself. Why would I do this? If I know it goes against my morals and values just doesn’t make sense to me and people say that I didn’t do anything wrong because of the guilt that I’m feeling in sadness but I think to myself like you would think that but I may just be feeling this way because maybe I’m just realising that what I did was just wrong I don’t know to be honest because I’ve always known that my intrusive thoughts were bad and I always promise myself I would never act on such a thing but I genuinely feel like horrible person and I keep asking myself like why didn’t I stop or why didn’t I try to push it away but like I really don’t know like the feeling panic and anxiety hits after work like immediately start to panic and I’m just like oh my goodness what just happened? This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way. I’ve never purposely thought of anything bad. It’s always in the context of intrusive thoughts so now I’m sitting here like thinking I’ve acted on my intrusive thoughts :/

I don't know what to do, my hands have become so numb and bruised because of constant washing hands, i have started hating each and every furniture around me, beacuse i feel they are not clean although they are being cleaned regularly but i cannot stop these thoughts. I clean my phone, bluetooth, charger with wet wipes each day, i don't touch any object around me, i am not being able to focus on my studies or anything else because of my ocd ihave stopped going out, everyone around me is so fed up of me. I have consulted so many therapists and been taking ayurvedic supplements too but nothing works. It is getting worse and worse, please if anybody can suggest me how to overcome these thoughts!

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Then another memory kicked in my brain: When I lived for the first time alone, I was researching if it still exists limewire and the shit I tipped in when I was younger. This drove me crazy too, why did I do that?!?!? Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

I am in a big group server with my partner. There is another person there who i had a small crush on. I have NEVER interacted with this person in a private or secretive way. We are NOT friends, the most we’ve ever interacted was through group discussions online. We do not have any sort of intimate or close friendship at all. My partner knows about these interactions and has access to every single message in that server. A few weeks ago, this person was talking about how nobody would date anyone with a certain trait that he has. I should note that this person is kind of a big meme in the server and no one takes him seriously. A while later we were having a group discussion about something and I mentioned something about my ex and this trait was brought up (my ex had the same trait as this person). This person commented on this and said he was surprised that I would date someone with that trait and that he was surprised I wasn’t hypocritically telling him he could find someone despite this trait while being unwilling to date people of that trait myself. I said that I was surprised that he thought people wouldn’t date anyone with that trait because I “know plenty of girls who either have done so or explicitly prefer it.” I then began talking about my CURRENT partner and how he was great and how I am very lucky to have him and that my relationship with my ex was toxic (unrelated to his trait). I should note that my partner is part of this server and he knows about this interaction and was fine with it. I TOLD him right away when the interaction happened. When this interaction happened, I remembered feeling really amused because like I said before, this person is kind of known for very outlandish/ridiculous reactions and opinions. I do remember saying this WITH THE INTENTION to get him to react in some way because I knew it would be amusing and I remember sending it to my friend. I want to clarify that my intention was NEVER to flirt with him, imply attraction to him, or make him think he “had a chance” or anything like that. I just knew it would be a funny reaction. I am bothered by the fact that I did this with the intention to elicit a response that amused/excited me. My partner knows of these interactions AND of my attraction to this person but I feel that the fact that he doesn’t know that I was doing them with an intent to get this person’s attention makes it cheating. Even though i always made it very clear i was dating my partner and I NEVER EVER EVER attempted a single romantic or sexual interaction with this person at all. I feel like the fact that I said something with the hope that he would react is cheating. I don’t know what to do. Do I confess? He knows the interaction happened, and he also knows of my small crush on this person, but he doesn’t know that I did the interaction in an attempt to get a reaction from this person.

Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.

I feel everything from guilt to fear to anger. OCD is driving me crazy, making me think I want to do this things. It’s like a part of me is scared because I know I don’t want to but then it makes me think I do and that I want this stuff to happen. It’s like I feel hopeless in a way. I know it’s stupid because I’ve dealt with it before so that’s suppressing some of the fear and anxiety I’ve dealt with but because I’m not feeling those emotions full ball my brain is like “oop well obviously you want this”. Going through a full on spiral. It’s like there’s this huge fucking thing on my chest. I can’t even focus on the most basic of conversations because these thoughts are in my head 24/7. It’s like I know it’s OCD but it just keeps me questioning. I know it’s part of the recovery process to feel less and less shameful etc but my brain keeps turning that part on me. I’m just trying to live and get through this. Sometimes just wish I could turn it all off.

It feels like I used to get so many intrusive thoughts in the beginning but now it’s less it’s only thoughts like what if I’m a p what if I’m a p what if I’m lying to myself what if I’m in dentist truly in all this and it was all fake like I’m an imposter, now it’s just feelings and noticing :/ and I hate he feelings that come with it I’m really scared I am one I feel so alone :( I’m taking therapy but my therapist is not specialized in ocd and I don’t think she understands and I don’t want to bring it up bc I brought up a fear that what if I turn into my stepdad and she said “are you attracted to children?” And I said no but it was just an irrational thought that came after I started realizing the trauma that happened to me as a kid, and idk I’m scared to Start with a therapists here bc what if all this just makes it worse and it turns out I am what I fear all along.? :(