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I was doing slightly better for twenty minutes, and then I had a bad thought. I felt like I liked it for a few seconds before my stomach twisted and my heart dropped. This is too hard.

I’ve had OCD, never saw a doctor but I’m pretty sure for over 59 years. When I was young, it was numbers, doing things a certain amount of times ect. As I got older, it was having to hear things more than once, or rereading to make sure I knew what I read. When we had kids, it was the fear of bad things happening, still as a parent, at age 62, two military sons, great wife, I still Do!! I have the fear of death, what happens ect, as I’d hate to this life on earth as it…now, I always loved music, but now I put rhyme words to songs, started out fooling around, now can be stupid things saying go myself?? I can hear or see a word, and my mind continues on, thinking all weird things, lol, I don’t get it? Any info out there from anyone maybe reading this?

Just one thing you wish for, specifically a good wish for goodness sake

I am hoping for some real advice I Have contamination OCD And lots of intrusive thoughts about developing allergies mainly around food and medicine I've also had a physical ailments for the majority of my life that in October, I was diagnosed with Dopamine responsive dystonia, which is kind of like Parkinson's, but basically my body does not make any doubt of me which makes my body turn rock solid I was prescribed medicine that will 95% make me better and I have not been able to bring myself to take it because of my contamination and allergy fears. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle and it's been making my OCD so much worse and the real kicker is my dystonia is fueled by anxiety so when I get anxious, it gets worse and I can't really move which is making me wanna lay in bed all day, but that's a compulsion for me but when I'm not in bed, I physically hurt. I really need to figure out a way to try to start taking this medicine, People in my life just say" Just do it" The problem is I have to take it three times a day every single day so sure I could take one pill but if I react badly, I'm never gonna be able to take another one. I started.NOCD Last week and I'm hopeful, but it seems like the process is gonna be long and I really don't wanna waits...

I lost my little girl 2 years ago, she was 8. The first 6 months were a myriad of grief but around the 6 month mark I started questioning my feelings for my husband. We've been together 20yrs but like put of the blue I had an intrusive thought, 'do I love him?'. I have another daughter with the same condition as my eldest so I know her life will be short. I should be spending quality time with my family but I am consumed with what could potentially be ROCD. It started with 'do I love him?' to 'has he ever cheated on me?' and even false memories that he hurt me. It consumes my thoughts all day everyday and is spoiling life. I've told him at every stage and he is much more understanding than I would be. He is my 'safe place' but I just can't stop the thoughts. Everything is triggering, romantic films (is our love like that on screen?) to a news article about a woman being raped (has he ever raped me, would he ever rape me?). It's making me a non-present mother to my daughter and a lack lustre wife. It's spoiling my life. I can't even begin to think about my daughter that died, it makes me feel numb but the thoughts about my husband tie me in knots. Does this sound like it could be ROCD and does anyone know if bereavement can trigger it. My husband thinks my brain can't cope with losing the kids so has fixated on me and him (told you he was patient and understanding). I feel like I'm going mad in my own head and I'm scared and lonely. Thanks for reading x

Hello ;-; idk I feel crazy but now I’m anxious again. My bf came back with me last night after we had a club meeting and he went to love my bag that I had left on my bed and everything spilled out cuz it wasn’t fully zipped cuz I was in a rush and I got a little annoyed and now it’s sparking the question of Do I like sharing a space with him as my partner? It’s triggering both the soocd and ROCD. I’m nauseous. I’m worried I don’t love him as my partner and am just holding onto the relationship cuz we’re about to reach a milestone (1 year of dating) and not cuz I care. I feel like I’m lying. Or don’t love him enough to consider myself bi. Idk I wrote a long post on Reddit that I might repost here for insights cuz nothing is hitting there. I’m just numb. Idk why. It’s not him I don’t think. I laugh with him just fine but I also laugh with my friends. Does that mean he’s just a friend? I know partners are best friends but also more but my brain kept saying “see in this moment when you’re talking to your friend and laughing while your bf is here? You’re not cuddling him, you’re not lovey dovey, you’re laughing with him and leaning on him but no butterflies” to be fair. The reason I haven’t been feeling. Anything? Is cuz I’ve been so stressed and when my bf came over the other night it’s cuz my dog had died and he and my friend were tying to distract me so I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I don’t feel deep love for him when we cuddle or hang out lately. But when I look at him I do. Then I get nauseous. Then I get internally sad and worried I’m just faking my bisexuality. I keep seeing people leave relationships to figure themselves out then they figure out they’re gay. What if that’s me. What if I’ve deluded myself into loving this man when I never have? Like I’m questioning the crush I had on him, the love I felt for him when we first started dating. Was that excitement and joy fake? Did I even love him? Do I just like physical touch? Was my love deep enough? Is it even deep rn? When I feel love it’s usually in my chest and low stomach and my groin, not in a honry way, I don’t wanna jump his bones in that moment. I’m just admiring him. But what if tjays just anxiety? What if my past horniness is all comphet and I never wanted sex with him? I thought I enjoyed it but I haven’t lately cuz I’ve been so disconnected and when we do have it it’s a silent short session sometimes and I don’t get butterflies but I’m satisfied and happy. Not as happy and good feeling as when we first got together but that’s normal right? I’m just so worried I don’t like him, I don’t give a shit about other men tbh it’s him I care about. As long as I love him it’s fine. I’m so confused and annoyed with my brain I just want to throw up a little. What if my excitement about getting engaged one day is fake? And it’s just me wanting the attention of being a bride not cuz I love him and wanna be with him? I can’t even imagine living with him lately. When before sharing a space seemed exciting. Is it normal to feel like this? It’s not that I would hate living with him or find it meh, it’s just stressed cuz he’s a different person and I’ve never shared a space with a person besides my younger brother. Do I just not like him or men and that’s why I’m slightly annoyed about sharing a space with him? I live in a dorm so. Small space right now. Does it just seem meh or am I actually happy about it? Cuz some people I’ve talked to said sharing a space with their male partner is meh and then sharing it with a woman is WOOO. So I’m worried it’s that. I do enjoy sharing a space with him. It’s fun. Not meh. I’ve just been so in my head I can’t do this. I’ve never lasted this long in a relationship so I’m anxious. And worried. And my brain keeps saying “you’re staying cuz you’re too ashamed to leave cuz you’re GAY 🫵🫵you don’t love him you just don’t wanna be ridiculed or hurt him”

Hi, I’m at my wits end almost! I’m a 27 y/o girl and having some major health anxiety recently due to some problems. I’ve had weird periods all my life, and about a year or two ago it culminated in me having some major anemia. I was constantly out of breath, and extremely thirsty, wanting ice like crazy. Eventually my vision got blurry so we went to the hospital. I was severely iron-deficient anemic and got a transfusion of two blood bags. They put me on a birth control that didn’t stop the bleeding entirely and made me feel like I was going nuts, so I took myself off of it. Fast forward, recently, as in this past November, I was on another period. I’m making some lifestyle changes right now due to an unsure fatty liver diagnosis (too scared to get into the MRI machine, too scared to take medicine to calm myself down), so I hadn’t been eating as much as I used to. I’m starting to get almost a little dizzy recalling this like it feels like I keep having happen, but I really feel like I should talk about it. But about 2-3 days into this period with heavy bleeding, I went to bed feeling off that night, then suddenly snapped awake about 7am feeling like something was VERY wrong. I fought with myself about it for a while, then got up to pee. Got very dizzy in the bathroom, so I pretty much ran back into my bedroom to wake up my boyfriend and said “I almost passed out in the bathroom.” He knows a few years ago I had been on a different birth control and had something similar-ish happen where I almost fainted in that bathroom after waking up middle of the night so he popped right up. I’ve only ever had a major panic attack once before in my life, and in hindsight it was really like that. But my vision got tunnelly, and my ears felt full, and I felt cold all over, and I started saying “oh god” a lot, and he walked me into our other bedroom to try and get me to calm down. I guess I saw myself in the mirror and saw how pale I was, and I remember slumping against him. I remember feeling SO tired, physically tired and cold, and I thought “oh my god, I’m probably dying. I’m probably bleeding out and dying, I’m probably so anemic.” I remember him calling out to his mom, too, to call the ambulance. So I got an ambulance ride to the hospital with warm fluids and I was shaking SO bad the whole time, only to stay in the ER for about 8hrs with a diagnosis of vasovagal syncope. Ever since I’ve had trouble sleeping. The very first few nights after that, I’d jolt awake when I started dozing off, and/or I’d kick so hard in my sleep. My boyfriend pulled LATE hours petting me to get me to sleep and would stay awake vigilant to comfort me again when I inevitably woke up. I’d also a lot of times doze off, then inhale REAL DEEPLY and loudly as if to remind myself I was breathing. Lots of focusing on my own breathing, on my heart beat. What’s worse is pretty immediately after the first 3 or so nights I was fine, then I had I suppose a moment where I felt cold enough in a weird enough place, and I freaked out just the same. I was so convinced I was going to pass out, which is apparently as bad as death for me right now. I’ve had a lot of talks and cries because I’ve always had death anxiety we called it, and feeling like I was dying so real then really messed with me. And after my relapse we’re also calling that, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping again. Well, it’s January and im doing moderately better, but sometimes I jolt awake at night and my heart is POUNDING. I feel so wrong, like something is DEFINITELY WRONG. But sometimes im able to just get right back to sleep despite that, and I wake up and im fine. But it doesn’t help because the next night it’s the same song and dance where im scared to sleep because what if I don’t see tomorrow? And im so so focused on these intrusive thoughts on ‘gee, I wonder what it feels like to die!’ Or ‘wonder what it would feel like if my heart just stopped right now’. I used to google symptoms a lot, or look up Reddit threats to feel companionship about a feeling, but doing that was very triggering so I stopped cold turkey. Anyway, um I had a moment literally last night where I woke up heart pounding but I got right back to sleep, and here I am right now at 6:12am next to a sleeping boyfriend not tired because ‘my heart MIGHT be feeling funny’. Im doing a lot better during the day I think, but I have such deep depressing intrusive thoughts sometimes, and I feel like im miles away briefly. Any advice? I’ve been in therapy before for different issues like major anxiety and family problems, and it didn’t really help. In fact, I’ve had quite a lot of bad therapists. But this sounds more like PTSD as well as OCD? Or something. I don’t want to call it myself, just wondering if ANYONE out there is going through something similar. I know I’ve definitely got a history of some kind of OCD at least, because when I was a kid I used to have to do everything twice (like washing my hands a # of times, evenly, but divisible by 2 two times to come out to another even number, so 16 would have been fine but I used to overshoot it to like 42+ pumps of hand soap.) And that morphed into eating two of something for a long time, like making myself two sandwiches or ramen packets. But, anyway, yeah. Please, advice? Thoughts? I feel very alone and scared sometimes. TLDR; have weird periods, they gave me anemia, anemia gave me anxiety and I fainted with a hospital visit. Have frequent health obsession and PTSD-like symptoms but not sure. Please advice, thoughts, or help

I feel like I’ve been neglecting myself for years now, turned very lazy and isolated myself for years. Now I suffer with severe anxiety and go straight to fight or flight more I start throwing up and shaking it feels like the end of the world. Any tips

I have some questions 1.is it worth it 2. Is dealing nothing better than feeling like this 3.are there any significant side effects

I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.

Has anyone else had an abortion? It’s making me go insane. It’s been about a year but I feel more guilty than ever. New compulsion is thinking I can never have a baby ever again. I don’t know how to navigate these feelings or these thoughts at all. I don’t have anyone close to me who has gotten an abortion or has ocd and I’m struggling to communicate my feelings to the people closest to me because I don’t think they’ll understand and I feel like it’s been long enough that any “normal” person would have gotten over it. I genuinely think I’m incapable of having kids again and I feel like I’m mourning not only the baby I could’ve had but also life as a mother. Not sure if this makes sense at all. If you relate or need someone to talk to this about please reach out.

I was going to ask for advice and vent after i just had an episode but reading through everyones post on here. I can see that everyone is collectively struggling at the moment and i think we need to utilize this community for more than just sharing our sadness. Nothing is wrong with venting of course but i feel like there isnt enough positive energy here to encourage everyone to keep going. I know asking for reassure feels like a must sometimes and trust me everyone has asked for it, it was a heavy compulsion of mine. But reassure is not what you need. It will make it worse everyone please trust me. Instead of letting out mind win we must support each other, understand our struggles but also share out wins. I feel like we dont use this community enough for finding friendship among us or spreading enough happiness. OCD Is not a happy disorder but seeing that everyone here is just here either hating on someone, people being too afraid to ask for help or no one reading peoples post. This place isnt just for our negative thoughts and events to fester we need to support each other here too! Ask for help, comment on peoples post with love everyone is struggling. In this community we should help pull each other out from dark places not let them stay there. I hope everyone who is going through it right has a better night/day/afternoon. You’re loved deeply your not a monster, your not evil, your not dirty, your not a heretic your Nothing your thoughts tell you are. Peace to you🤍🤍🤍🤍

It started when I became an adult, and started receiving my mental health diagnosis. I hyper fixated on each and every action I did and how it could be related to my diagnosis’s. It then lead to fixation to my physical health — making appointments and seeing every specialist I can to rule out every possibility. I currently have been suffering with obstructive sleep. I woke up the past few days with severe pain from the lack of sleep whilst believing I was oversleeping. Luckily my fit watch tracks my sleep cycle and it turns out I am not receiving any sleep. I had an extreme panic attack — bursting into tears on the phone with my mom wondering what this case might be. She told me it could be sleep apnea and that a simple sleep study could figure this out. However, knowing my family history I made appointments to every specialist I can to make sure it is nothing serious. The unknown of health can be scary to me. Watching my mother suffer with her physical health chronically since I was a child lead me to be very conscious and aware of how my body is functioning. This morning was one of the worst moments of physical pain. I should just take one step at a time with the sleep doctor instead of taking measures to see every specialist that could pertain with this issue. However, that is very hard to me. I don’t want to ever wake up in the pain I was this morning. Does anyone else suffer with health-related OCD? And if so, how do you find a sense of ease during moments like I expressed?

Specifically how can my fiance best support me without offering reassurance? I'm trying to encourage myself to grow and keep trying ERP, but I'm not sure how I can include my partner in a healthy way. I plan on talking to my therapist about it soon, but I wanted to hear thoughts from people who have been dealing with it themselves.

I wish I knew how to live in the moment more. I feel like a lot of moments when I’m supposed to be having a break I just can’t because my brain never lets me have a break. I have a very hyperactive brain but I feel so slow in my body. I feel that my thoughts never really stop :/

How do you guys deal with thinking about or ruminating on past relationships while being in your current relationship? I always feel really guilty thinking about other people or attach a lot of meaning to these thoughts, making it like I should be with those people instead of my current partner.

I think that I have OCD, but I’m not sure. I’ve been having a bad month.. it’s been so bad that I lead me to try and seek some kind of help, which I usually wouldn’t have considered on here. I’ve seen in just about every question I look up that OCD involves intrusive thoughts, but I’m not sure if I have it. I don’t feel like my thoughts are “uncontrollable” but I do have thoughts that make me feel guilty, bringing me distress and then it becomes hard to focus on anything other than the worry. Even when I do try to ignore it, I just feel like really anxious and like my brain is on fire? The worry hasn’t been a worry about the future but about the past. A real event. I think that I struggle with rumination too, because I have to pretty much close my eyes and “address” my worries by thinking about them. I guess my question is does OCD have to be intrusive thoughts or can it just be worrying about something (like a past event that bring distress)? I’m sorry if this sounds dumb or confusing.

I want to go do something I enjoy so badly but I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m full of guilt, shame, and anxiety. I wish I felt okay like I did a few days ago. I feel so awful right now. I hate OCD. I HATE pocd. I hate all of it. I wish this was easier. Sometimes I have the thought that I wish I was the things my OCD makes me afraid I am out of desperation to stop the anxiety, but then that thought makes me panic bc I don’t actually mean that or want that I just want the anxiety and urgency in the compulsions to stop. I’m so tired

I’ve been doing good without posting on here the last few weeks but now I’m finding myself in a weird position with whatever’s wrong with me. I don’t know whether I should stop caring despite the thoughts and whatever I might feel towards them or I SHOULD care because of the thoughts and feelings. I’ve mostly been not caring, despite me still having small reactions (shaking my head a lot, scowling at these thoughts etc). The small reactions are all I can really muster since I feel so used to all these things, and the only thing that I can confidently use as evidence that says “see, you don’t like these things, you’re reacting negatively!” But what about when I’m not reacting, or “ignoring” the thought(s) whenever I’m doing something that makes me feel joy? A lot of my anxiety rarely ever feels directed towards this stuff anymore despite it still being there. It feels like I’ve been robbed of who I was before all this and stuck with whatever this is and now I’m just like “ok whatever” even though the content of these thoughts are, literally, really really disturbing. Since I haven’t been posting on here and researching endlessly, it feels like “ok yeah it was never OCD it was just you trying not to deal with the fact that you like these things and just need a way to excuse what’s been happening so you can make yourself feel better and make everyone else see that you aren’t that person.” When you finally let go, let all these thoughts and whatever feelings that might bring, what’s left of who you were and who will you be now that you’re letting go? And how much of it proves that me having OCD was, always, false, and I’m just a nasty and demented person looking for an excuse to say that I’m not?

I specifically have breathing. It always seems like no one posts recovery stories for this.