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One of my dearest friends has passed away after battling cancer for the last year. In navigating my feelings of grief and love I’m also seeing a major spike in all my OCD symptoms. I’m tapping things more, I’m stuck in loops leaving work or home, I’m even noticing newer physical body responses like locking my jaw or holding my breath until thoughts pass. Am I grieving right? Am I grieving enough? Do I remember our time together right? I’m not surprised that this trauma has reignited some of my symptoms. I am in CBT therapy and talking with a therapist to organize my thoughts but as a new app user I thought I would take a moment to be vulnerable and see how my OCD community navigates when real life sh*t makes the hard days harder.

im looking into finding an ERP therapist (not through this app I'm afraid- it doesn't take my insurance) but im worried that it might only help with external stuff. one of my friends who also has OCD said that that was their experience too.

I don’t really go on dates much but I just did this weekend and I’m stressed cuz I know it’s just a date but then idk if satan sent it cuz I don’t really like him but like I almost want to just cuz and I can’t force myself to like someone but then I also have avoidant attachment so it’s just confusing and then I’m so scared of relationships it makes me feel like it’s immoral also because religious ocd or if I’m not supposed to have one anyone else feel this way

It feels like I’m almost accepting being gay. Like I’ve been trying to test if I have suppressed feelings by imagining scenarios and that are ga like coming out and stuff. It just brings me more anxiety because I don’t want to be gay. It feels like I want to be gay so I just feel like I’m accepting it so am I actually gay? I’m over thinking this so much smh.

With the adding list of horrible real POCD events, plus the fear of my worst POCD fears ever coming true growing more and more possible by the day, I cant find hope right now... I wont ever harm or delete myself, but honestly, living right now is the worst hell I can ever have. A never ending purgatory of not knowing if my worst pocd fears will ever be realized, or just having to be forever uncertain... I genuinely cant find a reason to hope... nor a reason to live...

Hey guys so I need some advice or help from fellow Christians. I always get so anxious and scared I’m doing something that doesn’t please God and this has severely impacted my day to day life and relationships. I can always feel his “stare” and feel like I have to act correctly, I can feel him “looking” at my thoughts and it has led me to not knowing what I am even thinking or how I feel because I always think I am faking. Also trying to not declare anything has led me to be paranoid of stuff I’m saying. Also I feel like I have to monitor EVERYTHING I do. And I “feel” if something is righteous or not for me to do it. I need help please.

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

I was talking with a friend and things got more personal than they usually do. I talked to her about my mental health not being good and I told her that I was suffering from OCD. I also told her about my concerns for medication and worrying about family finding out if it ever came to that. Then we switched the subject and talked about a lot of different things. At one point we talked about romance movies and I feel like there was emotional attachment even though I don't think there was, just feelings flying about. I have a crush on another woman but I honestly don't think we'll date because I'm just not ready for a relationship because I have so many things I need to work on in my life. This isn't the first time this has happened when talking to her and I don't intend on these feelings meaning anything but this time it feels like I did because I got an intrusive thought about it that stuck. I feel like this is emotional cheating and I'm not even dating anyone and I'm already straight up just fucking up how things are supposed to go and I feel idiotic. I know this isn't cheating because we were never dating but I just feel so stupid for this happening. On one hand I know it's OCD but on the other I just feel awful. I know it's a crush but I haven't gotten those feelings like that with my crush, only with her, even though I didn't think we'd initially date. I even get thoughts saying "What if I do like her?" When I don't think it's like that.

So I used to do this because it would be a compulsion cause I would try to prevent any arousal feeling down there if I ever had any types of intrusive thoughts, but now since it’s such a habit, I even do it sometimes when I am feeling arousal towards appropriate things, but that’s just cause it’s just out of habit and then earlier today I had an intrusive thought and I was already feeling aroused And then I kept thinking remembering in the moment like I think I wasn’t clenching and response to intrusive thoughts I was just doing it maybe because it was a compulsion like I was probably doing a compulsion but now I keep doubting myself and then now I keep thinking oh my gosh, but what if I did country in response to intrusive thoughts that I’m actually a pedo :(

So today this morning I was doing ok till I got to a point where I ate at McDonald’s with my parents and my brother. We came out of the hospital where they have checked his pace maker. And we went to eat. I’ve asked them a question where I have told them if he could have some.. in this case they have said no he’s had enough. I have a thing if we’re I am not hungry I share. I told them “what am I doing wrong I always do something wrong?” And they said no it’s just you need to stop doing things that make me think you are doing everything wrong. In my mind I kept thinking to myself” why do I do everything wrong.. am I the case if everyone’s stress?.. what if that’s it?” Then I went to the car with that on my mind and I looked over at them with a dirty look then the escalation started from there where I started yelling and they raised there voice at me stating that you don’t do anything wrong we just don’t want you to look at us wrong. That’s when I started crying and started saying I dont want to live in the house anymore.. I need to leave I can’t be here!” Which led to me feeling anxious which led me to cry cause they said if you don’t want to talk to us then stop talking.” Then I started to let the thoughts set in my mind and started to scratch my right thigh.” Idk why but my ocd got the best of me and I started to cry again and asking myself why do I suffer and why did I do this to myself. Seems like I’m getting better and not feeling anxious or anything then boom just hits around the corner.” I feel stupid

I just feel like I can't get through this anxiety anymore. I haven't slept properly all last week and I notice it in my eyes. There's a lot of red in my left eye and I just hate this. I can't live my life the way I want. I don't even know if I can do this job that I planned to go to for an interview. I just can't do this anymore and I know that the alternative is medication but that's really scary. I just don't know what's going to happen when I take it. I'm afraid I'm going to lose more control than I already do

does anyone have any techniques or specific ways to help with acceptance of uncertainty with more taboo ocd themes? My current main fear and obsession for months which lead me to get this app is fear that ill be accused of trying to groom/creep on my younger friends due to us having a 3 year age gap, which my brain just keeps telling me that no matter what i do, its going to happen. I know radical acceptance and understanding of uncertainty will ease my worries, but this time its just impossible as i dont want to accept this js something that could happen, yknow ? Im terrified of losing everyone to doing something bad unintentionally in the past or without realismg i did anything wrong . Ive been online a lot too where people are called these things just for havjng younger friends and its terrifying, i never want to do that to anyone. How do people with similar themes accept these thoughts and possibilities and just thoughts and let them pass by? Its really hard for me right now. Any advice would be helpful :)

I haven’t been able to stop spiraling since yesterday. I was next to my boyfriend, and his arm looked a little chubbier than usual. It reminded me of a guy I had a crush/hyper-fixation idk my brain just simply doesn’t let him go bc it feels ‘fun’ to think about the dude, but he’s also become the theme of some intrusions w/my ROCD. While I was noticing the arm similarity, I kissed my bf’s arm. I’ve been replaying it nonstop because it feels like it mean something. Why did I do that? It felt like I was genuinely looking at this other guy’s arm, not my bf’s. It doesn’t feel like the affection in that moment was directed at my bf at all. I feel worried. In the moment I only felt a little concerned which makes this seem worse. I’m scared that the affection I showed my boyfriend in that moment was actually meant for someone else, subconsciously or similarly. I feel so disrespectful and disloyal Idk I need input please

(TW: ROCD, Religious OCD, Islam) Hello Everyone, You can refer to me as Subway, a nickname given to me by some friends I think that here would be a good place to reach out for help and discuss my issues. For starters, I am an Athiest/Agnostic, who used to previously by a Muslim but nobody knows that I am no longer a Muslim. I used to be an athiest just due to a lack of faith and questioning alot of the religion but after looking into it more I had come to my own conclusion of not to believe in Islam. Lately I've been having alot of intrusive thoughts telling me that I will revert back to Islam despite me not wanting to. Honestly I was miserable being a Muslim and after my experiences and doing my own research, I finally felt free and happy to have left the religion. My head whoever means to constantly hurt me saying that "You're gonna regret it" "You'll return to it's beauty" and "You're just not trying to follow it's rules", despite all of this I do not seek to revert back to Islam anytime soon but those thoughts still linger. Another factor that makes these thoughts so intense is that I've fallen in love with someone. Let's call this person "V" but they are the most wonderful, beautiful, smartest person I have ever met and I only hope that they feel what I feel for them. One thing that I struggle with however are my thoughts saying that "I don't want her" or "She is ugly" or "I am going to hurt her", it even connects to my religious thoughts saying that "I shouldn't be with her and prioritize God" or "I want to focus on religion" which I do not want to do. It's hard to explain but I feel myself arguing with my own mind as it constantly tries to prove to me why I'm wrong even though I'm happier being an Athiest/Agnostic person. And after finding someone who I truly love, any chance of happiness is stripped away from me. It doesn't help that I'm constantly scared because she is Hindu, and to most people I know. I am a "Muslim" so that's an issue. It just gets really lonely because nobody else seems to understand. I just want to talk to someone.

A huge part of my OCD is moral scrupulousity - I am unofficially dating someone who has physical and mental health disabilities/chronic illnesses. I really like this individual, but I am internalizing his issues and quickly becoming his only support system. I can feel the stress impacting my nervous system more and more every day, but I am afraid breaking it off with someone when they are going through such a difficult time- dealing with medical neglect by his parents during serious physical health scares. What if he dies? I feel sick to my stomach- but with every emergency a piece of me breaks and I can feel my brain breaking down. I really like him and spending time with him, but I am truly terrified. I've only been seeing him since late July, but I feel it seeping into codepency and myself being a caretaker- and I can't handle it nor do I want that for my own life. Please give advice or support - I need both right now

After having a great few months and the most confidence in my life, an embarrassing situation and an ended situationship I got too attached to in August have led to a grueling 2 month journey of self-reflection. All of my defense and coping mechanisms stopped working. The feeling that I’ve never developed a true identity or enjoyed life the way others do was painful. I’ve learned that my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior I’ve exhibited over the years align with OCD (specifically with relationships and perfectionism). It was liberating to finally put a name to my situation, but rumination and excessive venting in my journaling have led to me constantly analyzing every conversation and all of my body mannerisms. I haven’t been able to get my mind off this situation for more than a minute in these two months. I’ve never felt more different from my peers, and I’ve gone from extremely social to fidgety and shy. How did you cope with the embarrassment and avoid comparing yourself to others? I am unable to form any routines or enjoy the things I used to enjoy because of these constant thoughts.

Hey I haven’t posted in awhile but I just need to vent. Back in early 2023/ 2024, I remember this theme putting me in the deepest depression that I believe I became emotionally numb. I don’t know, but I felt like I had it and still maybe do. I remember keeping something in for a year from my gf at the time and my OCD was beating me up so bad that I eventually to the hospital in June of 2024. Those of you that have watched Euphoria… remember that scene where Rue is in bed all day and night and physically can’t get out of bed and is frozen? That’s how I felt when it was getting to the end of my relationship. I had the worse thoughts you could ever imagine and every time I had a conversation w/ my gf, I felt like a robot. I felt like I couldn’t even talk to my gf without getting interrupted by my instrusive thoughts. I’m not perfect either . I made a mistake when I saw her the last time. Maybe led her on, maybe I was just emotionally numb . I still wanted to see if the spark was there but I guess it wasn’t. That’s one of my biggest regrets. I rather have stayed home and gathered my thoughts then to go see her on my birthday. It was selfish of me. I take ownership of that . Recently she’s been on my mind , but when we finally parted ways it’s like I didn’t feel anything and that made me question if I loved her? Idk I guess what I’m asking is did or does anyone feel that way? You felt emotionally numb/no spark/ nothing when you kiss? Physically not attracted. Sometimes I question .. what is love? What does it mean? Does love always have to have a spark? I read one time that you choose that person. But I feel like I’m confused what it really means. It’s like I’m having this 360 shift and realizing maybe I was emotionally numb all along and keeping this “secret” I thought at the time, to myself. I eventually told her and she wasn’t mad . My ocd made it bigger than it was . 😔 It’s crazy what OCD can do to you. I felt sick not just mentally, but physically too. Maybe it was easier for me to move on because I “emotionally checked out or was just too emotionally numb” after awhile that when we did break up the first time I barely cried. I cried almost everyday for a year before that first breakup in August. We had gone almost a month without talking because we parted ways but then reconnected September of 2024 and the. Ended it mid January. That’s the last we spoke. It’s been 9 months. I know people feel different thhings at different times but she’s been on my mind recently. And this may be TMI but I know a lot of my emotions right now have to do with my period, but even before my cycle… I was thinking about her. My thoughts are just heightened now. It’s like I was saying … it’s like I’m seeing things different now. Maybe I was so emotionally numb I couldn’t feel anything and it felt like I had fallen out of love. It was hard for me to feel anything and to be honest I think this start May of 2024. I wanted to stay and make it work. But you can’t force yourself to feel something. I think I’m just confused rn. Maybe I’m a little de lulu but I’ve always felt like it’s her. Sure I’ve looked at other girls but when it comes down to soul and personality and how that person treats you… that’s what pulls you in and what matters. It’s like I’m finally realizing after a YEAR LATER that all this ocd stuff was in my head and It’s a shame because I lost a really good one and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back but I’m grateful for the memories and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Not sure if this is part of the grieving process? Idk if you guys could give me some feedback or if this resonates with you … please leave comments down below. (Not for reassurance seaking) but to know that if anyone has felt just how I’m feeling right now . I would relay appreciate it🙏🏽 (edited)

*VENT INCOMING* This is just not really related to OCD (or maybe it is idk?anyways). It's kinda personal so if you don't wanna read this, that's okay too. My parents are recently divorced and it wasn't amicable. My dad is an ass and a manipulative bully. and i hate him and love him at the same time. he tries to reach out from time to time but i usually ignore because even just thinking about him makes me angry and fills me with this nasty, hopeless type of feeling like im trapped. anyways, he reached out again through a message asking me how I was doing. and i actually brave enough to respond with a voice note. told him basically everything in as short a time as possible. that I have OCD & depression and im on meds. and that i have a job now. and all he said was thank you for the reply and he feels better now and that he hopes that im well too. and it annoyed me because even though i actually really brave in expressing myself, he just sort of made it about him. he didnt even say anything ; like he was shocked and sad to hear that i've been struggling. and im just like????? what more could i possibly do to make this man actually really give a damn about me at all???? like that's all he has to say to me???? Ugh.

Hello, I’ve struggled with OCD and a few other anxiety disorders for literally ever and I’ve wanted to get on medication for years because I felt it was the only way to fix me, to find relief from this hell that is in my brain. But so far I’ve tried 7 medications ! And none have worked, I always get to my second or third dose with zero positive changes and I almost always have a side effect I cannot bare to live with long term, so I get switched to another med and it happens again. I also struggle with really bad anxiety over taking medications, I’m terrified of serious side effects and withdrawals and overdoses etc. so it’s makes this journey so much harder! I’m planning on taking a break from medication for at least a little while, I want to live life without side effects and the fear that being on regular medication gives me, I’ve been sleep deprived for a few months straight because of a side effect of my current dose, like what the hell body! I’m just frustrated, I wanted this to work, and hey maybe it will in the future but not right now. And yeah, medication isn’t the holy grail and it won’t “fix me”, therapy and hard work will help me manage my mental illnesses, I’ve had improvements already without meds, I know that now, so it’s not the end of the world! Just a bit annoying! (Don’t let this scare you from trying medication, for a lot of people it works wonders !! And not everyone’s body is as stubborn as mine!)

For the last week, I have gotten little sleep. The first 3 or 4 days, I would lay on the couch shaking, having like full body jerks, exhausted but laying there with my eyes closed all night. Tossing and turning for hours and maybe slept a total of 30-60 minutes very broken up through the night. The last few days, I'll feel a bit better and try to go to sleep and wake up 45-60 minutes later or an hour and a half later it I'm lucky, before everything floods back. I get jerky and shaky, my stomach has a pit, I feel that dread, anger, anxiety, and I'll be tossing and turning again with bits where I fall asleep for 20-40 minutes maybe 2-4 times through the entire night and morning. It's driving me insane. It's scary that I can't sleep much and when I do, it feels like torture and I'll have nightmares for the little bits I do get.