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Was on deviantart looking at a story. Story said teenager and it grossed me out. I knew I’d see something triggering on the site and spiral. Why do I do this to myself?

When I think about traumatic things that happened to me as a child or weird, disturbing acts that I did as a child due to trauma and being hypersexual, it gives me sensations down there. Which then leads to a compulsion of me testing myself mentally down there which makes the sensation stronger. It can reach a climax if I continue the test and compulsion, which is weird because I do not even touch myself it’s like a mental thing. I would never want these things to happen to me again and for the acts that I did, I would never want to do them again. I just feel weird and gross right now, and I feel like I am a bad person or like there is a risk of me doing weird things again. Also, in the moment when these triggers or compulsions are happening, my brain and body have a sense of rejection and discuss towards it, but also a curiosity to finish the compulsion or continue ruminating about it. I do not watch any negative or inappropriate material or watch anything of that nature to be honest . I feel very upset with myself as I’ve been doing OK with my OCD and trauma but it’s just recently gotten bad today. I think it might be because I’m on my period.

I am having a really hard day. I am so overwhelmed about so many things. I lost an earring and can’t find it. It is stuck on my mind. About a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me and the weekends are so hard. That was my first relationship and I miss him dearly. I have no friends to support me and my Mom is tried of me being sad. I also have a math exam Tuesday and need to review a ton. It feels like I have so much to do and so little time. I just want to hangout with a friend/ my ex boyfriend. I feel very depressed and anxious.

Has anyone ever dealt with relationship ocd and feeling guilty for not sharing every thought and feeling with your spouse that feels it was unfaithful? Mine is stemming back to an old memory of when we were just dating and had broken up. A friend of my sisters was childishly flirting with me and I felt like I secretly liked the attention. Kept thinking what if something else had happened and what if he did stay at my house one night but he never did. It just makes me feel extreme guilty for even thinking and feeling these things of even being partial to that idea at that time I was broken up and going through that small rough area. I feel like I am keeping something from my husband since I never told him this. I just wish I could move on from this. I don’t know why I feel like everything in my life needs to be known to him. Why do I feel so guilty. I hate it!

Some background, I have religious OCD or scrupulosity and after sinning my compulsion is to repeatedly ask God for forgiveness but the Bible warns against praying in vain repetitions in Matthew 6:7 and I’m afraid I’m sinning upon having already sinned because I know God hears my first prayer but I have a compulsion to repeat it multiple times usually 4 times 4 and if I don’t do it I can’t move on to something else and it is extremely distressing I don’t want to be sinning on top of confessing my prior sin what should I do guys?

Hi! I’m a 28 year old mom with a toddler. My OCD had been under control until I stopped taking hormonal birth control about a month ago. Since then, I have felt awful. My Harm OCD is in full swing attacking the ones I love, on top of it, I believe I’m experiencing “Post Birth Control Syndrome.” Even the Celexa & Buspirone I’ve been on for 12 years barely helps with this sort of depression/anxiety. I’ve started NOCD therapy again & had my Buspirone upped. I’m hesitant to make anymore medication changes right now. I’m basically posting this because I haven’t seen a lot of Mom’s (specifically ones with the harm theme) posting about their story. I’m also curious if anyone else with OCD has experienced “Post Birth Control Syndrome?” I’m strapped in for a re-recovery. Looking for some like minded friends! 💕

Have a date next week with a girl I met off of tinder. She seems really sweet and I could see it developing into something more. I just feel like every time I know someone’s attracted to me I can’t help but wonder if I’m actually attracted to them or if I’m just faking it because I like to be loved. Like spiral-licious amounts. It seems like every time I have a new romantic interest this is the pattern: surface level interest, get to know them more, pro and con list #1, am I attracted to them REALLY or am I just a narcissist in disguise and will break their heart by bread crumbing them while trying to figure out if attracted and then ultimately leaving, pro and con list #2, hang in there, THEN LIMERANCE!!! Does anyone else feel this way? Any tips or insights?

After one year and 11 months (almost 2) I did it I made it and touched the gym. Wow I felt my heart race a bit as I was walking around the corner but I pushed through and even though I wasn’t there for long that was big for me to at least try a few weights and deal with the raising of heart rate I did it!! And I walked home 🥹😆

I got supper triggered righ now because I was talking to my fiance about SOOCD and wht it feels like it is or it not and at one point I felt like all the signs were pointing towards the fact that im just in denial since 15 years and I got anxious and just wanted to leave/stop everything (aka the relationship) and I felt kind of relieved at the thought of that and the spiral started all over again like “ if you’re relieved that means that you want to leave him and be with a women”. We were talking about romantic attraction and physical attraction and I was saying how sometimes when I look at him I dont have the desire to touch him but if I see a picture of a naked women or just an underboob I just feel something strong down there… he told me even if its the case we’re been together for 8 years and I would know if you were truly faking it… and my thoughts are like “would he?” “Maybe im just a great actress and I’ll snap one day soon” . Idk if anyone relates!

is it possible to do erp therapy alone? without therapist help i mean

If my partner is remotely unattractive to me, it just causes me to ruminate so much. I wish it would calm down. It's hard to know if this is a valid attraction issue or not. I hate to use OCD as a crutch but I feel like both could be true. Which is tough

I have a love hate relationship with social media bc men are reaching out to me and flirting and I can never tell what’s j friendly and what’s flirting but I technically have a bf and a man im in love with that’s my baby and I love him so much and I feel so guilty for the fact that they are even reaching out and I’m enjoying the attention/think they’re attractive . I value loyalty so I don’t know why it is so hard for me to settle with him I love him so much like no one could ever understand. What if I just can’t accept that he was meant to be temporary and I’ve outgrown this connection :(

I’ve been struggling with HOCD for months now and it’s killing me. Like it feels like I can’t accept who I truly am and like why if I am gay just let me accept it but something inside of me won’t let me accept it. Like I would never want to be with a girl or spent my future with a wife I’ve ALWAYS wanted a husband sometime in the future and I’m a teenager so I was always SOSOSOOSOS excited to have a boyfriend and wanted one sooooo bad and now I’m crying everyday just thinking: I don’t want to be gay. I don’t know how much longer I can life like this. There is not one single second of the day where I’m not thinking ruminating and worrying I feel like crying 24/7. ITS KILLING ME. And around girls that trigger me I get completely like paralyzed because they’re really pretty and I’m convinced I have a crush on them like I have to watch them all the time when I see them I get like a sting in my chest and Idk if it’s bc of my HOCD or bc I just can’t accept that I have a crush on them and can’t accept my true self. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before this

I am completely and utterly consumed with guilt, regret, and self hatred. I know this probably isn't OCD related right now, but I really need to talk to a group of kind, supportive people. I've only ever received compassion here. My kitty passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. He was with me for 16 1/2 years. I had him since he was only a few days old. He took care of me through every hard thing I've ever been through. My baby, my brother, my teacher, my everything. From ages 9-26. I'm feeling a lot of self hatred. I did so many things wrong throughout his life. But the worst thing I ever did is haunting me and making it difficult to grieve. When I was 19, I started smoking weed daily, multiple times a day. In my apartment. With him in the same room. I would always crack a window, but there was also a 6-or-so month period where I lived in a place where the windows couldn't be opened. And I smoked inside daily anyway. I continued on like this for about 5-6 years. Cracking the window a bit, but not even doing a good job at blowing the smoke out. I never blowed it in his face, I was always concious of trying to keep at least some small amount of distance from him. It probably made 0 difference, I was smoking inside mere feet from him. Smoking weed around pets was very normalized among the people I knew. I knew that it wasn't a good thing to do, but I didn't take it seriously because he seemed happy and healthy. Until about twoish years ago. Coughing fits started. He was xrayed and diagnosed with asthma. I made another stupid choice, and instead of quitting or at least moving my smoking outside, I got air purifiers for my apartment and started smoking in the bathroom exclusively with the door shut and the fan on. The air purifiers were always green (unless I accidentally left the door open which happened on occasion), and I couldn't smell weed in the rest of the apartment. If my girlfriend smoked inside, I would not be able to tell unless I went into the bathroom. There was barely any gap under the door. I thought I did a good job. I thought I was responsible. We also switched his litter to a dust free one. The coughing stopped. I thought this setup was good enough. Something he had done for years prior to this was very deep breathing when in REM sleep with forceful exhales. I always thought this was just a quirk of his because it only happened when he was in a deep sleep. I now know that this was probably a symptom of asthma, and he likely had it long before he had his first coughing fit. My girlfriend and I always thought it was just him having intense dreams. I'm disgusting. After his first coughing fit, he was supposed to get a preventative inhaler twice a day for the rest of his life. But like the fuckup I am, I fell off of doing it after his coughing flare subsided. He had two other instances of coughing in the last two or so years, but only a single cough at a time and not accompanied by any other symptoms he showed during his initial "flare". But he was still doing that deep, forceful breathing when in REM. Sometimes, for brief periods, he would also have a slightly elevated breathing rate (32-38), but I always for some reason chalked this up to post-surgery discomfort (it happened more frequently a few months after he had pacemaker surgery) or one of his other conditions. My dumbass didn't piece together that my continued bathroom smoking could still be irritating him. I still didn't see that sleep breathing as an asthma symptom because it stabilized when he woke up or went into a lighter sleep. The apartment never smelled like smoke, the purifiers were always lit green, and his coughing fits stopped. So I thought I had done a decent job. For those other very brief instances of coughing, my brain always went to one of his other many conditions. Like I said, he had pacemaker surgery earlier this year (3rd degree AV block causing 30-70 focal seizures a day), and one of the coughs happened shortly after that. He had on and off very mild pleural effusion after his surgery. He had mild HCM. He had pretty severe arthritis. He had IBD/small cell lymphoma. He had so many things that seemed so much more serious at the time than his asthma, and I fucked up by focusing on those conditions and letting his asthma diagnosis go unmanaged because I thought I "fixed" the problem by reducing irritants. I was so overwhelmed by all of his supplements and medications that I didn't give him the one that could have really made him more comfortable. Moreso, I could have just stopped. Smoking. In. My. Fucking. Apartment. His asthma wasn't the cause of his death. He was diagnosed with granular large cell lymphoma in his intestine. That IBD/small cell lymphoma diagnosis quickly spiraled into an aggressive cancer. I had to let my baby go two days after his diagnosis. One thing that haunts me is that the week he passed away, he had an asthma flare up, just like the first one. Not one of the weird little single coughs that I worried could be related to his heart. We took him to the ER because his breathing seemed more labored one night. They xrayed him and said asthma flare up. We resumed the preventative inhaler he should have been getting the entire time. The next day, he had the low asthma posturing and a coughing fit. The day after that, he had abdominal swelling and we went back to the ER. Suspected mass in his intestine. Internal medicine appointment only 3 days after that. Cancer. Two days later, he's gone. In my arms, in his bed, looking into my eyes in the most peaceful way it could have went. They gave him Prednisone at the last vet appointment as a palliative care drug. I think it helped the asthma flare up too. I hadn't smoked in the bathroom for two weeks prior to this flare up happening, but I still blame myself. Because even if smoke didn't cause that one, giving him the fucking inhaler daily could have stopped it. I know his asthma didn't kill him, but it caused him discomfort while he was going through something even worse. And I could have at least taken that pain away. And I didn't. Despite his conditions, he was a happy, loving, playful, feisty guy. He only started to show signs of deteriorating in his last 2 months, starting with him simply not wanting to play with his wand toys anymore. He was a fighter, and he went through so much. I worried myself sick about him every day. I have so many videos on my phone of me recording his weird sleep breathing (and any instance of elevated breathing) out of concern. I don't know why my brain said "Pleural effusion, heart problems, etc." instead of "HE HAS ASTHMA BECAUSE YOU SMOKED IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR 6 YEARS. GIVE HIM HIS INHALER YOU MONSTER." I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. He was my everything. I talk to him every day and tell him how sorry I am. I feel like I don't deserve to grieve because I fucked up so bad. How could I do that to him for 6 years? How could I change my smoking setup to another (albeit less harmful) indoor setup instead of just GOING OUTSIDE? I'm afraid he's happier without me. I'll never be able to fix it. I'll never be able to really apologize. I'll never have the chance to change for him or know if he forgives me. I would do anything to go back and beat the shit out of myself. I genuinely hate hate hate myself, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on for another 50 years with the weight of my filth. Without my baby boy. I'm so lost. And I'm so so sorry baby.

🔴Explain metacognition and how does it correlate to ocd if it does That's a great question - and actually a very deep one. 🔵Metacognition means "thinking about hinking." It's your ability to notice, reflect on, and evaluate your own thoughts, beliefs, and mental processes. For example, if you catch yourself thinking "Why do I keep worrying about this?" or "Is this thought realistic?" — that's metacognition in action. It involves two key parts: 1. Metacognitive knowledge: What you know about your thinking — e.g., "I tend to overanalyze situations." 2. Metacognitive regulation: How you manage your thinking — e.g., "I'll stop ruminating and distract myself." How metacognition relates to OCD ... OCD isn't just about intrusive thoughts — it's also about how people relate to and interpret those thoughts. That's where metacognition comes in. Many researchers (especially Adrian Wells and others who developed the metacognitive model of OCD) believe that OCD symptoms are maintained by dysfunctional metacognitive beliefs - not just the thoughts themselves. Here's how that looks: 1. Intrusive thought appears: Everyone gets random thoughts (like "What if I swerve off the road?"). 2. Metacognitive interpretation: In OCD, the person might believe "Having that thought means I'm dangerous," or "If I think it, it could happen." These are metacognitive beliefs - beliefs about the meaning and power of thoughts. 3. Attempts to control thinking: Because the person believes their thoughts are dangerous or revealing, they try to suppress, neutralize, or analyze them - leading to compulsions, reassurance-seeking, or rumination. Ironically, these efforts strengthen the obsession by giving it more importance and attention. Common metacognitive distortions in OCD • Thought-action fusion: Believing thinking something is morally or practically equivalent to doing it. • Thought control beliefs: Believing you must control or eliminate certain thoughts to stay safe or good. • Overimportance of thoughts: Thinking that having a bad thought says something true about who you are. • Need for certainty: Believing you can't rest until you're 100% sure about something. Why understanding this helps Modern therapies like Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) or ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) both target this metacognitive layer - not the content of the thought itself, but how you relate to it. They teach that: • Intrusive thoughts don't have inherent meaning. • You can observe them without engaging. • Trying to control thoughts actually keeps OCD going. So, in short: OCD isn't just a "thought problem" — it's a metacognitive problem about how you interpret, react to, and try to manage those thoughts. Would you like me to explain how metacognitive therapy specifically uses this understanding to treat OCD? It ties directly into learning how to step back from obsessive loops. 🔴Yes 🔵Perfect - this is where it gets really interesting (and often very freeing for people with OCD). Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) was developed by psychologist Adrian Wells, and it focuses not on what you think (the intrusive content), but on how you think about thinking - your relationship to your thoughts. The Core Idea In MCT, the problem isn't the intrusive thoughts themselves — it's the metacognitive processes you use in response to them. For example: • Thought: "What if I accidentally hurt someone?" • Traditional reaction: "Oh no, why did I think that? I need to make sure I never do." • MCT view: The problem isn't the thought - it's your belief that the thought is meaningful or dangerous. So instead of analyzing or neutralizing the thought, MCT helps you step out of that mental struggle entirely. The Metacognitive Model of OCD According to Wells, OCD persists because of something called the Cognitive Attentional Syndrome (CAS) — a pattern that keeps the obsession alive: 1. Worrying, analyzing, and ruminating about the thought 2. Focusing attention inward (monitoring for danger, checking how you feel) 3. Doing rituals or compulsions to get certainty or relief Each time you engage in this loop, your brain learns, "This thought must matter - keep paying attention to it." MCT works by breaking this loop. § What MCT Actually Teaches Here's what therapy focuses on: 1. Detached Mindfulness You learn to notice thoughts without reacting. Instead of asking, "What does this mean?" you practice thinking, "That's just my brain producing noise." You don't try to control or push thoughts away - you let them exist without judgment or response. 2. Changing Metacognitive Beliefs You challenge and test the "rules" your brain has been following, like: • "If I think it, it might happen." • "If I don't control my thoughts, I'll lose control!" • "I have to be certain before I can move on." Through behavioral experiments and guided exercises, you learn those beliefs aren't actually true. 3. Reducing Mental Rituals Instead of replacing or analyzing thoughts, MCT teaches you to drop the strategies that feed OCD - like mental checking, reassurance-seeking, or endless "what if" reasoning. This feels uncomfortable at first, but it's what allows the anxiety to fade naturally. Difference Between MCT and ERP • ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention): You expose yourself to the trigger and prevent the compulsion. • MCT: You focus less on the trigger and more on your thinking style — learning that thoughts are harmless mental events. They actually complement each other: ERP changes behavior; MCT changes how you relate to the mind itself. Why It Helps OCD Specifically People with OCD often have high metacognitive awareness — they notice and think about their own thoughts a lot. MCT helps channel that awareness in a healthier direction, teaching you to watch thoughts like passing clouds rather than threats you need to analyze. When practiced consistently, people often find: • Fewer compulsions and less rumination • Less urgency to "figure things out" • More comfort with uncertainty • Quicker recovery from intrusive spikes

A couple of weeks ago I had to do an assignment involving more than one person. And ever since I realized I did a project/assignment wrong and had to do it again and quick as it was a day before thanksgiving break, keep in mind I have no access to the assignment after class I forgot to add the name of one of the people who designed one of the pictures in the project my brain has been spiraling like crazy. All week during thanksgiving break I’ve been thinking about it constantly over and over again. Then after I added the name of the designer and turned it in i remembered that the project will be printed and possibly published online if it’s good enough and the teacher talked about a border that will be around the assignment and to make sure to make the project fit. My brain started tweaking out telling me that the name won’t be there and I’ll be accused of plagiarism. I constantly asked the teacher questions about the assignment throughout the week. After I asked the teacher about the printing she showed me how she’d print it and that she moved the name. But then my brain spiraled out later in another class telling me that what about if she publishes another part of the project online months later, (the one that she chose not to print but can still technically be published online if she thinks it’s good enough). I then asked her about it again. She said she that if anything related to online publishing it’ll will be in months. Then I asked her again when she wasn’t as busy about what if there was a border hypothetically and it covered the name of the person who made the picture, would you edit it and she said yes. Now currently my brain annoyed me once again telling me what if the border is too small for her to notice the name of the creator of the picture being covered by it and she publishes it without double checking and you get in trouble or accused or plagurism. These thoughts feel genuine and that I have to keep asking. I told the teacher about my ocd and constant thoughts and she said I’m allowed to email my instrusive thoughts to her about the assignement even if she may respond late. I wanna do that but if I keep getting reassurance or anything like that it’ll worsen the thoughts. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to my friend who also has ocd about it, he introduced me to this app, I’ve talked to my mom about it, I’ve talked to the teacher about it. These past weeks I’ve been stressed, sleep deprived, I often woke up with my hands shaky, I can’t concentrate on homework, and I keep arguing with these thoughts and losing. Worse of all everytime I’m in the class where I had the project my thoughts are extremely strong. I just want my life back.

I bet this will be over by this morning but I’ve just been intimate with my partner for the first time in ages and now my ocd is trying to convince me that he didn’t even wanna have sex and I just forced him which had made me feel anxious and cry. I’ve asked him for reassurance and he says that if he didn’t want to he would have said but am worried he’s lying to me he’s told me to pack it in asking him questions. What if am a bad person I can’t touch him ever again. Am worried I’ve accidentally done something wrong and he won’t tell me. An amazing moment between us feels ruined now as am upset at the thought he might not have wanted to do it and what if I’ve forced him? 🥲

we decided it was best to break up, we live together, but shes still in school and because im not and my job is already falling apart its best for me to leave this coast and return where im from. its devastating, over 2 years together and if i just had better impulse control and was a better listener and didnt avoid our issues things wouldve been better. but at the end of the day this was a mutual decision and was necessary for our individual growth, we both need time and space to grow and heal. the hope is that we can rekindle our spark again in the future but my bipolaresq spiraling and disrespect and instigation of fighting isnt helping either of us and makes her scared of me, and im scared of me too, who have i become. its for the best, its necessary right now and we have faith this will make us stronger together but we also have to accept the uncertainty. and thats hard. im gonna keep going to CODA and start therapy back in my home state, its just a temporary move back to let things settle and be less tense, but with space and time i hope we will be better individuals so we can be better for each other. its devastating, but we both need to respect ourselves and i need to let her go for good and the only way i can is to leave for a while.

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Came back home, today was okay as when it came to work- but I felt super insecure today because out of impulse I trimmed my bangs and it ended up super short and because of the weather it made my hair super static, I look like a mess now, I barely paid attention to class since I kept looking at myself in the camera and old photos of me and just kept cringing or feeling jealous about my past looks compared to now I feel super gross. 😣💔 Kept my jacket on the whole day too because my outfit sucked and I felt super duper overstimulated and when I came back home I found my room to be all picked up but now I can't find certain stuff that I was going to use today, my closet broke, I need to still finish some stuff today and I still have classes tomorrow and I have to talk to people + OCD is now making me freak out over the thought of someone seeing me look at myself constantly in the camera and now thinks I'm a freak, or classmates saw me mumbling to myself and struggling to fix my out of control hair and now everyone thinks I'm even uglier and weird and tomorrow something bad is going to happen- intrusive thoughts are making me rewind to every conversation and text I've gone through, and my mind is saying that I'm done for and I feel like a failure to everyone and everything.. I'm just super overwhelmed right now and so upset this is not how I want things to go ughhh. 🥹💔