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So, I'm kind of going through something traumatic right now, I just need someone to talk to about anything, just to distract myself so I don't over analyse

Hey guys I am 21 male straight all my life want girls in all ways sexually,romantically, emotionally but after my 12th class I got these hocd and then I got therapy erp medicines and treated and get my real feelings for girl back then I go to college then sudden thought strike and I got relapsed and again stuck in the loop and till October 2024 I am surviving on my own without cause a student with no money and there's no plan to do so in 3 or 5 years till not get financially stable on my own or get in better place from now so it literal feels like I am in denial but before ocd I was always excited to get married with girl sexually active for girls only but some past experiences as childhood I do even I don't no it is gay or what just do it but as growing my persistent feeling for girls only it is like my love my identity like our heart is part of body like wise my sexual identity which is want to be straight only and yes on my first therapy past is not decide who you are and 90,% both genders have same sex experience in their childhood but still I feel I did it means it has something gayish in me but ocd put it in front of me to think on it and yes now without therapy It gets more than hocd like pedophile, bisexual, pedophile or even worse than worse can't say it all and cherry on top is groinal responses in all this thoughts and literally everything feels sexually attractive like what is happening with me and literal mentally compulsion with physical compulsion too cause if I do anything with these compulsion like masturbation due like I enjoying it but that nahh I don't want to masturbate for same sex or child just it makes me feel🤮 but then again why then I feel like I enjoying it and yes one more thing is obsession with height I want to be tall I want to be tall girls like tall guys 6feet or above I am less masculine these feeling even I feel to die literal that I don't I have perfect height , body sounds like body dysmorphia but not diagnosed yet but it seems to be this if I get diagnosed then I go future travel like my future gf will leave me for tall guy as I am less masculine and in this mental state I don't want to be in a relationship but genuinely I want to marry a beautiful girl have kids as I dream of it before ocd feels like I never have that life and some stage I come out as gay, bi or anything which I fear most so better to wait for day for come out but nahh I really from corner of my heart want a colorful happy beautiful life with girl only but if in future whenever I get girlfriend I tell about her my this ocd she shame me dought me and yeah masturbation I do from young age like 12 yrs which mostly contributes to my ocd now but I am trying to do no fap till I get girlfriend . As straight male and female who watches porn and have hocd please leave it now as it worsens it I swear at last after my first therapy I get my all true attraction for girls back and false attraction for guys away and really laugh like it is not that hard and now I am trying to that techniques which I learned from my therapist like 4R's, box breathing, let accept uncertainty but I will again conquer it and live my dream life which is a gf or wife kids which I dreamt of and atlast you can to .

How do you tell the difference? I’ve been officially dating my boyfriend for three weeks, but realistically we’ve been pretty much a couple since September. I was idealizing him pretty hard from October until last week, I won’t lie. I felt like I was chasing him, and now that I finally have him, the dopamine dropped. Which would be fine, normally, except when we were in the car last Saturday, he made a cringe joke. Nothing crazy, nothing that went against my ideals, just.. cringe. I suppose it gave me an “ick”. But my body reacted completely disproportionately, telling me “oh my god I have to get out of this car now”. I was immediately hit with a sense of dread, guilt, and impending doom. Feeling like I was going to have to break up with him eventually. But what we have is great, and up until then I was really sure i liked him. I still feel warmness towards him and enjoy hanging out, but dear god I can’t stop ruminating, testing, and just feeling guilty. Deep down, I don’t want to break up. But my body keeps telling me to run and feels so real though, even though it’s not what I want.

I think i’m finally understanding what people mean when they say you need to “accept” what OCD throws at you. If i’m wrong please correct me. Obviously you’re not ACCEPTING the thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc, but you are just acknowledging that they are there, not engaging in compulsions, and living with uncertainty and the uncomfortable feelings. Today I noticed I wasn’t feeling the things I wanted/expected with my boyfriend at times, I was in my emotion/arousal/attraction/anxiety monitoring mode, and I was just performing mental compulsions (without really knowing they were compulsions). I’m constantly monitoring myself and checking if im monitoring and then it just creates a trap. I always feel so hyper aware of what I’m feeling that I can’t really feel. I kept wondering why I wasn’t feeling a certain way and It made me feel numb again because I was just constantly going back in to check on what I was feeling, but it was also making me feel less because I was trying so hard to watch myself. I was triggered from kissing my boyfriend goodbye and not feeling things I used to (sometimes) feel or expected to feel (started dating during a flare up so feelings are all over the place). I immediately went to search for reassurance and let the thoughts take control. I just have to remember I need to accept and acknowledge what I feel. If I feel anxious, feel a groinal response, have a thought, feel an urge, don’t feel the “right” way, whateverrr it is, i need to acknowledge it, accept that it’s there, and continue living by my values even when im uncertain. I always feel so hyper aware of what I’m feeling that I can’t really feel and i know it’s because i’ve spent 6 years of my life performing compulsions and going untreated. Instead of trying to turn off the “watchdog” in my brain i need see it’s there and continue living. I just need to be, continue with what i’m doing (like kissing my boyfriend), even if i’m not feeling the “right” way or the way I want. I just need to allow myself to be. The way i feel/don’t feel may or may not mean something. This flare up has changed the way i feel about him, my attraction, and other things, but i will continue to live by my values. What i want is to be with my boyfriend (and with men in general) even if ocd is telling me otherwise. Before the flare up I was at a point where my mind was clear but my compulsions still made me feel like i’d never be with a man or find a man attractive again. When i wasn’t watching my feelings, checking for attraction, analyzing, just BEING there, I ended up with an undeniable crush on my man. I wasnt even looking for a relationship, I didn’t even think it was possible for me anymore. I just remember feeling such strong romantic tension, i found him attractive, i felt all the crush feelings i haven't felt in years, and i just wanted him to kiss me so badly. That happened when i was just THERE my mind was THERE but when i realized it my brain went back to numbness and monitoring. Instead of fighting it I just needed to accept it (obv not perform compulsions) and continue living. Whatever proof (and trust there’s a lot) OCD throws at me I just need to accept, acknowledge, and move on even if it makes me feel so uncertain. Idk where i’m going with this now but I hope i’m on the right track.

I really need some help, I haven't been able to eat again. My theme has recently moved from fear of being drugged to fear of random severe allergic reactions and it's even worse because it CAN happen, so it isn't completely irrational. I've even read that it's common. I have food 0 allergies and never have, but I do have seasonal and sometimes dogs gives me hives only where contact was made and with certain dogs. I stopped eating pretty much everything, no dairy, no nuts, no fish, no wheat, no eggs... Nothing. I'm running out of things to eat and losing weight like crazy as well as working a hard job. I need some reassurance, I cannot let this take over and starve. My fears/questions are: - Can you really develope a severe allergy overnight with 0 signs, even after eating that food all your life? - If so, how rare is it?? Is the risk as great as getting in a car wreck or as great as getting struck by lightning. - If anaphylaxis is so common, how do people eat so much without any kind of fear or anxiety?? Let it also be known I am scared of medication, so it's not like I can just eat and pop a Benadryl. I really really need some help and reassurance. I don't mind staying away from nuts and seafood, I know they are both severe triggers... But milk, eggs, and wheat being a trigger is stopping me from eating pretty much everything. That's what a mostly need help with... I need more safe foods. Please. Right now how I'm eating is getting a bowl of food, taking a bite, waiting 20 minutes and checking for signs, and then if there's none... I keep eating. That would work, right? A small amount won't be enough to send me into full anaphylaxis but it would give me the signs I need? I know I could consult an allergist and get a test, but they don't book until months out... I can't go that long barely eating. Please.

My bf has a tendency to disappear when he’s stressed. He got home Tuesday night and I haven’t heard from him. It immediately made me anxious cuz we’re not of the same faith and his parents don’t know he comes here. Or maybe they do and they’re not saying anything. Idk. Anyways. He vanished. Haven’t heard from him. I’m panicking. I’m annoyed and I’m worried I don’t love him anymore and that I wanna date other people. How do I know if I do or if I’m just temporarily annoyed cuz he disappeared again. We had such a good time on Tuesday and it was the last time I got to see him before going home for the holidays. He texted me he got home. That was it. He has 6 days of work in a row starting Thursday just recently so I’m assuming that’s the reason but now I’m worried he doesn’t like me and he’s second guessing. I’m also worrying that he’s only using me for his own gain like sex wise when we’re not even supposed to be having it so I’m just nervous now and idk what I’m feeling. How do I know if I don’t live him anymore. I’m scared. I just wanna live in peace. He usually gets back to me within a couple days. I go home in the morning so I hope I hear from him then. Idk. I love him and I miss him and I wish he was around but I also feel tired and nauseous and it feels like my body and brain are like. Break up with him but I don’t want to do that cuz I want to marry him one day. But what if I don’t actually wanna do that cuz I don’t feel butterflies or feel that much passion lately. Everything feels distant. I only see him once a week at best lately. He’s picking up more hours and I’m scared we won’t be able to have our plans for our anniversary. I was gonna cook dinner. I still will. I just need him to secure a day off to do it. I’m gonna go cry and crash out for a while. Goodnight

18+ my boyfriend just started insinuating that he might be asexual and it might be bc of his meds but we don’t really know. i’m not asexual but i love him so much and he’s the only person i can ever ever see myself with and i feel like a sick pervert for being upset at the idea that we might never have sex again. i also know if we don’t then ill always feel like it’s a personal attack even though it would be something he couldn’t control. Im not the most sexual person either i just know that this will create problems within our relationship especially since this was not something that he knew when we first got together. if he does end up to be asexual i wont know how to cope with that and that makes me feel so sick and perverted.

i hate this feeling whenever i suddenly just start to think about particular themes or having intrusive thoughts. does anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with nausea without doing any compulsions? especially if i feel the need to immediately prove something wrong :/ it’s so unbearable to sit with uncertainty

does anyone have any tips on how to deal with pocd? i’m currently stuck in the stage of really believing im a P. how do i get out of it? i want to go back to the times where i would get a thought and then just brush it off and live my life like a normal person. how can i deal with this and make myself feel better? advice would be greatly appreciated

I’ve been having an amazing Friday. Just had my last (much needed) therapy session this past Tuesday. I’ve been through more than a handful of therapists over the years and this year finally found someone I connect with perfectly who really understands me and what I’m going through. Then I get an email, text, and call from NOCD today explaining she’s no longer with them and they’ll help me find a new therapist. I used to work in HR and Fridays are notorious for days you terminate someone (I can’t prove she was let go and didn’t just leave but the timing doesn’t seem coincidental). I’m feeling so disheartened and honestly a little mad. Has anyone else had someone who really helped them with their OCD just…idk…disappear? 🙃 Especially through NOCD? I understand the need for professionalism in communication, but it’s frustrating when this news is given and then instead of it feeling helpful, the offer to find a new therapist feels disingenuous. Idk. I’m just really disappointed and frustrated about losing my therapist. 😬

Can someone plz explain…. My therapist said I need to accept the uncertainty. But the situation I’m in seems 100% true & real to me. So how does that make sense?

Yesterday, after trying many times to tell my dad that I have to go, I finally went to a psychiatrist. My dad took too long to do anything, so I told him I needed to go that day, which was two days ago. When we arrived, I felt good that I might finally get help. I felt nice knowing I wouldn’t be alone. The amount of money was a lot almost 500 which was too much. I didint think of it cause I know with the insurance it will be a perfect amount We waited for my turn, then my dad and I went in. The doctor started speaking and then asked if I wanted the session to be only me. I said yes, and I asked my dad if he would get mad. He said no problem. The psychiatrist said that I should come regularly without stopping, and I told him that I might have some things that could stop me from coming. While I was speaking, someone opened the door while I was still inside. My dad later said that while he was sitting outside, they were asking, “When will she be out?” When I finished, the guy went inside very fast. The next day came. I woke up and went with my dad to work because I didn’t want to stay at home alone with myself. I sat with my dad at work for about seven hours and went with him to bring some things, even though they weren’t that important. Around 6:00 PM, he said, “Don’t care about that now, just leave it for tomorrow.” I was very tired because I was sick, and shortly after he said that, I literally dozed off because I was overthinking. Today, I woke up around 10:00 AM. (If you’re wondering, I can’t go alone.) I waited for my dad to come back from outside, assuming he knew I needed to go. I waited until 4:00 PM, then 5:00 PM. I told my dad about some things, especially about the insurance. He told me to ask them, which I did, but they didn’t answer. So I called them, and they said I needed to come and speak face to face about the insurance. I spoke with my sister. I know she’s tired of me. We went back and forth trying to find a solution whether I should go by myself since my brother took my dad’s car, even though my dad knows I have to go. I got ready to go and just waited for him to give me money for the metro. When he came, my sister told him about the insurance. He started talking rudely and switched the conversation to something else, not giving me time to explain how I did everything on my own. He said I didn’t tell him and that I was wasting money, and that I didn’t wait for him to find a solution even though that was almost three months ago. While talking, he spoke loudly and yelled, trying to prove himself. I tried not to say anything twisted because he would hit me. He kept saying that I’m wasting all the money we need, and that if this keeps going, I’ll waste a lot more even though I never thought like that, because I don’t even think about spending a lot of money. He said that in the end, they’ll take my money and say I have nothing. He also said that I didn’t listen or wait for him, and that there’s nothing wrong with me that I’m okay. Then he switched the conversation and started yelling at my sister. Now I’ve had enough. My sister probably won’t speak to me and might see me as a disgusting person. My dad treats my sister badly and keeps saying that we’re disrespectful, and that we should travel to our country and suffer, and that he wouldn’t care. I’ve been struggling quietly and didn’t say anything because I know that, in one word, I’m “just talking,” and that it’s not important and never will be. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I swear I couldn’t keep it inside. I needed something, and this was the solution. My dad got mad that I spent a lot of money, even though I know I wouldn’t continue because of how much I would have to pay. In the middle of all of this, he keeps praising my brother. I felt guilty about how my sister spoke for me. I was so annoyed with myself. I’ve had enough of how everything is going I wouldn't say I didn't care about any of this, I just know this is how it will go with my family they won't help

I just wanted to take a moment to share. I've had OCD for over 10 years. It's terrible in a way that most people who don't have it can't comprehend. Tonight I applied ERP. I fought against all of the harm and responsibility thoughts screaming in my head and went and has Xmas drinks with my 2 best friends. A totally normal thing to do......but nonetheless infected by the virus that is OCD. I just wanted to let everyone know that if there's one light bulb moment I've ever had about OCD, it's that a) it tries to prevent us from being ourselves and doing the things we like to do in life and b) it tries to prevent us from being happy in life. I've realised, over the years, that this is an important fight and one worth fighting. So keep going! Keep doing ERP and keep those thoughts and doubts at bay! You can be you and you can be happy in life. Push through! Your happiness is worth it!

Hello I'm a first time poster and still pretty new to NOCD! It's been a really frustrating past few days because I told myself last week that I was going to be better at not seeking reassurance from my friends and the last few days I've been reassurance seeking to the max. I feel trapped. I am so frustrated that I need that emotional reassurance that my friends don't hate me and that I’m not an awful person just to feel even slightly okay. What are some things you guys do when you feel the need to seek reassurance? Any tips to ride out the extreme anxiety and uncomfortability that comes with not going through with the compulsion of reassurance? Any tips would be great because I'm ready for a change!

Ahhh 2nd post in a row last time for today I promise ! "<: ) but this post is different than the last and more so of stress and OCD anxiety . I feel super dirty and scared about the future, right now Real-Event OCD decided to punch me and remind me on things I did as a really young kid and when it came to hypers3xuality.. and stuff that I feel just super uncomfortable thinking about and the lack of self awareness I had at that age and especially when I was around other family members at any point of day. Eugh.. (those thoughts specifically are REALLY getting to me- I feel like a disgusting and awful being.) but there's also reminders of the things I went through as a young teen and the stuff I did with my ex at the time- the things he also made me do which now makes me really upset . I don't care if we talked recently, I was nice throughout but deep down I still don't feel healed . : ( And POCD too, now years later passes by and I feel like despite all the support I had from family.. all the good things I had and I overall had an amazing start of childhood- but I feel as I ruined it all . Thanks to OCD, thanks to hypers3xuality, thanks to the people I hung out with . : ( Thanks to my dumb choices . And I'm scared to grow up, I don't want to grow older and I sometimes feel like I revert back and it feels horrifying. I don't understand why others are excited about their futures I dread it so badly. But now that I feel that way, my mind tells me that I'm a creep because I want to stay young forever ? And I have other themes play out, health OCD isn't stabbing me at this current moment but it is poking at me . I feel super dizzy, my head is pounding from the stress and I feel not panicked, not angry, I'm not having an emotional outburst or anything I just feel dissociated and a bit scared . : ( I have finals tomorrow and I still need to study for that . --- I wish I could just hug everyone who's struggling as well or is listening right now <:,) I'm trying my best to not get into another full on episode- I'm using good coping mechanisms such as drawing and listening to music . I am trying my absolute best but it's so hard and it hurts both mentally and physically.. my head hurts so bad and my thoughts are going haywire so I at least want to vent this out despite knowing there's nothing else I can do to ease it unfortunately .

I apologize,this is long and worded awkwardly,but I dont really know how to sort this out a bit bc ocd is bothering me over it. If anyone has words on this please lmk. Adults only bc im almost 24 This is another update on my sort of real event situation w a somewhat ex friend of mine. I cannot really summarize super well so id recommend to look at my prev posts,but to give a bit of a run down I was unfollowed and unadded on everything by a friend,and was told it was bc my conversation style was frustrating and needing space bc of that and it wasnt my fault. I did not respond well really ( i posted what i sent in my other posts also) and sort of panicked. Later I was told this came off pressuring,which i apologized for and later left our group server for a break (which is my main communication w my other friends,but which is also run by this person) bc it was finals and i was getting overwhelmed mentally so I needed to stop checking it. I did mention possibly leaving for a time to focus on studies,but I was sort of vague. This is where the update comes in. I was messaged again abt this very recently,and I was told that it seemed bothersome to this person bc it seemed that I was avoiding the person just bc I was told i came off pressuring ,and that it seemed like going around this person's back when I didnt ask this person for an invite back directly, and it was assumed I asked someone else which the person wasnt cool w . When I apologized again and explained i did not ask anyone for an invite (If I leave servers for a break,I copy my own invite beforehand because im shy abt asking again and I like to be quiet abt my breaks) this person seemed receptive to my apology a lot more and appreciated it,and I thought we had sort of talked it out and moved on. We wished eachother a good day and thats that My main concern is a post I found ( i was doing compulsions checking social media,unfortunately,i should not have done this. Also to be clear,this post happened like A Day Or So before this person confronted me again ) that im worried might be connected to me,and it makes me worry how honest this person was w not minding that im around even after all this . After this person disagreed w me in the server over smth small ,I saw a post being like 'I love being contrarian and pedantic w people i find annoying' im sort of afraid since this was posted at around the same time that im the annoying person in this situation ,and even thoigh it seems like we sorted things out,I can't stop thinking abt how i might seem annoying,esp since its a big fear of mine peoole I once consider friends will just end up finding me bothersome. Its not the first time either,there was another time this person talked abt finding people annoying and learning not to feel bad abt it and I got worried bc of everything it was abt me. I wanna move past this but its awkward bc of the mutual friends (who im also scared might know and find me annoying now) and seeing that post and worrying if this person still finds me bothersome even after sorting things out. Apologies if this is worded confusingly. Im having trouble w words recently. I feel shitty abt continually messing uo over and ovrr and over and being the thing i fear which is someone that sort of drives away ppl they care abt

I have been having a problem with skin picking to where I'd say I have dermatillomania. It's especially an issue on my scalp and around it + my face and I hate it . : ((( the picking feels good temporarily but then I just start to feel distressed whenever I don't pick on it for a period of time . I have bumps and scabs around me now due to the picking and I can't stop even during school or in public and it's so humiliating but I can't stop. I'm scared it'll cause damage to my skin. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, if anyone has overcome it do you have any tips/advice/experiences ? That'd be greatly appreciated at this current moment ! 🥲

I used to be a really bad person. Like a really really bad person. Completely self centered and vindictive with no regard for the feelings and well being of others. This came out especially in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. I don't know how. I have done some truly fucked up things (especially around 5-6 years ago), and she has always forgiven me and assured me that she still wants to be with me. I think I may have some other underlying mental issues, and I suspect I may have some kind of personality disorder or something. I've confessed so many horrible things I've done/thought in regards to her and our relationship. Not your typical OCD confessions that are blown up, but really damaging stuff. I was a horrible partner to her. There was infidelity manipulation, fucked up thought, etc. I was a nightmare, all the worst things a partner and person could be. I was always thinking about me and what I could get out of the relationship. When we had issues, I would check out and do whatever I pleased to make me feel better/more in control. She probably shouldn't be with me, and I'm terrified I've given her Stockholm Syndrome or something. She doesn't agree with this, and she says she is capable of choosing what she wants for herself. She agrees that my past behaviors were terrible, but she sees my remorse, shame, and desire to be the person she deserves. She sees how much I despise the person I was, and how I'd do anything to go back and have a word/fight with my old self. That is a big reason she forgives me. I went through years of confessing every detail from that time that I could remember. Truly awful things, definitely more real deserved guilt than OCD. A lot of the confessions were really upsetting to her. Still, when I ask her how much of these confessions were necessary/she needed, she says that most of them weren't entirely necessary. She doesn't want to hear anymore confessions about the past, especially in regards to things I thought. She says that really only actions are important. It's been months since I spiraled about this particular time in my life. I thought I had exhausted all confessions, and my OCD and anxiety started focusing on other things (my cat's health, what kind of cat parent I am, other real events, confession urges fom my childhood, etc.) But last week, it all started again. It started with thoughts about her/our relationship that probably contributed to the mindset that led to my terrible actions. It's hard, because I remember thinking a lot of these fucked up things, but my memory is having a hard time remembering all of the good things that I was also thinking. I couldn't have been that bad 100% of the time, right? This is eating me alive, because a big part of rebuilding a relationship after the things I've done revolves around going back and figuring out "why". Figuring out what contributed to the behavior. I've dug a lot and confessed a lot about my mindset at the time, but I didn't confess this. Why? Was it because I didn't think about it? Because I wasn't 100% sure? Because I was afraid of hurting her feelings? I confessed so many other things that absolutely hurt her feelings, but I feel like the reason I didn't confess this part was because I didn't want to hurt her, and I was scared that it would be the thing that was "too much". But I was so focused on absolutely truth and transparency for years. Every other confession urge would eat me alive until I gave in. So why didn't I tell her this? Was it even in my mind at the time? Should I confess now because, wven though they were thoughts, I probably let these thoughts contribute to my behavior (which is an action)? It's so hard to remember my exact mindset from those years. I can only remember the evil that I thought/did. Nothing else l. Another memory popped up today. This one was action based. I don't want to call it a false memory, because with what a fucked up person I was, it absolutely could have happened. I could absolutely see myself doing it. I did similar things, and I feel like I remember having a specific thought/intention to do this thing. But I'm not 100% sure it happened. I feel like I remember thinking about this during my other initial confessing, but I think back then I couldn't remember if it was 100% true. It's very serious, and it involves stealing a small amount of money (like between $5-30 change from a purchase or from her desk) with the intent to start an emergency "get out" fund. I feel pike I absolutely remember having the thought (not necessarily about taking the money from her, but putting away money for that in general). I don't know if I actually did what I'm thinking, or if I'm filling in blanks because I know that I was fucked up enough to do something like that at the time. Maybe having that thought alone is enough of a reason to confess, but she's trying to set firm boundaries around confessing my past thoughts. But what about possible actions? I feel like I might have a personality disorder, because sometimes I feel like I experienced splitting around this time. Like there would be some perceived slight that would make me view myself as some kind of victim, therefore causing me to think "fuck everyone else" and do fucked up (sometimes impulsive) things to make me feel more in control/whatever other thing I felt I was lacking. I can't remember if I felt bad about these things during this time. I know that I downplayed things sometimes. Idk. It keeps spiraling. I keep remembering things. I'm also having trouble remembering what I've already confessed. My brain feels like a nightmare. After all of this, she still loves me. She doesn't treat me differently. She says she forgives me, and I feel that forgiveness and love every day. I know I don't deserve her. I know she probably shouldn't be with me. I will never forgive myself. I will never like myself again. I will spend the rest of my life putting her first, as long as she will have me. I know that my girlfriend wouldn't want to be with me if I was still the same person I was back then. I've spent years self reflecting and trying to take accountability for everything I've done. But even after months of no confessing or ruminating about this, things still pop up. I feel like if she doesn't know everything, she doesn't know me. She can't consent to our relationship. I fear that I was misdiagnosed and don't have OCD. I know this is all deserved. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. I want to be qith her forever. She wants to be with me. I want to give her the decision to have whatever she wants. I'm afraid of her not choosing what's best for her. I'm afraid it's all too tainted. I would do anything to go back and beat myself senseless. I truly despise myself.

Hi there, first time poster here. I struggle a lot with false memory/real event from the past. Both have ties to fear of being arrested and sent to prison. Given how long it was ago, I've somewhat accepted the uncertainty of not knowing because old memories are fallible. However, something happened last week which triggered my OCD and I'm experiencing the same things. I feel so scared and frustrated that I can't even trust my recent reality. I tried framing it as "if you've really done what you've feared, then you'd be certain that it happened because it was recent and you'd be worrying about the consequences of it, rather than worrying about whether you've done it or not"' but the false/intrusive memory won't let me even have it. I know I'm supposed to sit with it but today just feels really hard to do it. I'm so drained and depressed that it's ruining my ability to look forward to things. I posted here to vent because I feel alone about this but I hope anyone experiencing this gets the light they need.

With the obsession “what if?” does it only have to be “what if?” or can it be anything? Because with my intrusive thought or obsession it’s always “I wanna..” or “Me After…” and it’s scary because i’m just scared. Also Can OCD make you think what they wanna think? if that make sense, because i’m scared that i am creating the thought but i know it’s something i wouldn’t do anyways. I’m always in my head 24/7 or just day dreaming, and it tends to push something that is out of the narrative that i dislike but it feels like i am creating the thought.