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I hate that this made me stop seeing women like i used to. I used to see them without any feeling and as an inspiration for example for outfits. Now i can’t look at woman without feeling anxious that i will feel something for her.

I’m struggling to fall asleep because I’m so worried & I need background noise to distract my brain from thinking things (doesn’t really help). Now during the day I dread the nighttime. My thoughts get worse at night for many reasons. It’s 5am now & I been trying to sleep since 12 & I have restless legs. OCD is taking a big toll on my life rn & I feel frustrated bc idk what to do. Make things worse my mom is starting to feel depressed & she also said seeing me just rot in bed is making her depressed. I rot in bed because I unfortunately can’t find a job & I don’t drive so I’m stuck in the house usually. (Sorry in advance if this doesn’t make sense , I’m tired lol)

my brain is trying to convince me i’ve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i don’t know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time we’re seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in my opinion i don’t like it very much either and i’m worried that makes me trans. It’s weird because i’ve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring. so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.” i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was “this is how i found out i was trans”. i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didn’t feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok that’s me. i didn’t feel masculine. i felt alt. fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. that’s what really set it off. now it’s march and it’s worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad. i was diagnosed recently and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions. i’m currently struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did. now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire? I’ve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they don’t match what I’ve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns — when I was reading someone’s pronoun list, my brain latched onto “he/him” because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft “i” in “him” and “his,” and I even thought “she/him” sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities — my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesn’t necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity. At the same time, I recognize that “he/him” is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called “he/him” is not me, and I don’t want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesn’t mean I want it to apply to me. I’ve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brain’s hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesn’t mean my preferences have changed — it’s just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent.

My best friend and I live together as college roommates. Its time to decide what to do for next year. We proposed some options. 1. Live in dorm together again 2. Find an apartment with 2 other friends 3. Live at home 45 min away He never mentioned anything else, and have referenced next year many times. This last week he went hiking. Before he left I referenced that we needed to talk about it. He said he was waiting for some things to fall into place. I am panicking and have been all week. Has he been offered to be someone else's roommate? Was he offered and apartment with other people? Does he not longer want to live with me? Is he hiding things? I know this is probably all nonsense but I have a few more days before we can talk about it. I know I can be a lot especially with the OCD, but I don't know if maybe it became too much.

Hello, I wanted to make this post about stuff that I feel most of the day and how It makes me worry. Honestly at night I feel anxious and sometimes even I feel a little depersonalization, I’m genuinely worried because I’m homeschooled so I stay home most of the day and never get a chance to socialize. I been homeschooled since 2023 and it feels almost as if I’m having the same day over and over again, I try to do things to not feel this way like hag out with siblings and go outside but I can’t go anywhere like the park or anything because I live deep in the neighborhood and I don’t have a drivers license yet so I can’t do much to socialize. This makes me worry because I don’t know if that’s good for you, and I’m constantly worried because of my ocd and past regretful experiences but I do feel mentally exhausted or like a burnt out. I sometimes feel better about a certain ocd like some days my pocd isn’t that loud but then I experience some harm ocd but the harm ocd isn’t as consistent so I haven’t “diagnosed” it, and lately I have been feeling sexual orientation ocd which is making me worry because I don’t want to be gay so it’s like I can never catch break.

I’ll keep this as short as possible. Lately I have been seeing a huge pattern within my romantic relationships and how they affect my day-to-day life. In the past, (around 18) I dated a 23 year old who had much more experience than I did (obviously) and it was just something I had to learn to get over. Aside from that, he was a big liar. At first I thought i was just being the anxious, delusional girlfriend when in reality he was indeed cheating/keeping things from me. The way I found out was through the whole reassurance-seeking thing I’d do which I had no idea was tied to OCD. I’d ask him things like “so you never had a relationship with your best friend?” In which he replied no at the time but then months later when I’d have the urge to ask again and he would say “yes I thought I told you”. Situations like this sparked a habit for me in which I had to keep asking my partner things because the answer could be different each time. Couple years down the line in my current relationship, I find myself doing the same things; asking questions about the past because they might give me an answer that’ll tell me that I was right all along/give me a reason to act the way I’m acting. This relationship that I’m in is the healthiest I’ve ever had, leaving me thinking that I’m just this immature, untrusting, pathetic girlfriend that is difficult to please. I keep asking him these inappropriate questions like if he ever did these certain things with his ex partners and then getting upset when he answers. He’s been telling me lately that he doesn’t like to think about his ex partners and wishes that I don’t make him remember those things. My issue is that it just goes right over my head and I continue to do it. A part of me trusts and loves him but another part is just constantly searching for a reason that he isn’t “the one”. I’m 24 now and am ashamed to be acting like this. Can anyone relate?

I feel like I’m running out of hope I feel like I’m growing emotionless, even though I’m crying. I feel like they’re emotionless tears. I keep having the thought “if you did it, you’d feel better” and it won’t stop playing in my head and I want to just be thrown in jail. I look back at old photos and think “where did this boy go?” “What happened to him?” And I’m struggling so much with my emotions and thoughts. I’m so scared and I don’t know if anyone else goes through this.

My boyfriend and I broke up. It was a total blindside and he dumped me. He said I needed too much reassurance and that I hadn’t really respected him. It’s true, I had been going to him with so much all the time and disrespecting the time he was trying to put boundaries on and set aside to do work. But I couldn’t handle it. I ruined the whole thing and he told me that his heart just isn’t in it anymore. He said we’re both too unstable. I haven’t loved a man this much in years and we were talking marriage only a month or so ago. I just feel like I ruined this with my OCD and like even if I get healing it may just come back and cause issues again in my next relationship. I don’t feel capable of being loved in my brokenness. Is there any hope for me? Even if I don’t get healing right away, can someone love me in this? I want to be loved for all I am, even the broken parts… but he clearly couldn’t and lost all his affection, and he was the best I’ve had. And I just feel so incapable and flawed.

Any other queer people with ocd on here? I specifically identify as a lesbian and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past year. Originally, my ocd was very fixated on our relationship, but now it’s become more fixated on my sexuality/scrupulosity. Though I was raised in an accepting household, I can’t help but convince myself that being gay is wrong somehow and I’m missing out on the natural balance of man/woman. Somehow I’m also convinced at times that I’m not even gay or that being gay isn’t even a real thing and we’re all just lying to ourselves and I feel like I’m not living “right”. I know this isn’t what I really believe, and I’m trying to practice my uncertainty statements etc, but I’ve been struggling with the intersectionality here. Our current political climate has not been helping lol. Any advice or shared experiences are appreciated!!!

how does everyone convince themselves not to do the compulsions? I find myself recognizing that I want to wash my hair or my hands or my shoes, and that I should not be giving into the compulsion, but then classic ocd convinces me that this isn’t actually a compulsion and I have to do it. but other times I truly can just force myself to walk away from the compulsion. tips? tricks? stories of success? feeling pretty defeated and at this point i’m just not doing compulsions so I don’t get mad at myself and ruin my day because I “gave in”

So I've been pretty sure I have OCD for about a half a year now. I've done a lot of research into it (to an obsessive degree I'm afraid) and I match up a lot with the symptoms presented. Every time I fear that I don't have OCD, I go straight to Google and read article upon article to see if I do or don't have it. The only reasons that I've had some type of certainty about this is because 1: intrusive thoughts that trigger randomly and can send me into spirals that are difficult to get out of 2: I've had anxiety attacks and I know these spirals are not anxiety attacks 3: I do a lot of reassurance seeking, which, since researching OCD, I've found I do a LOT in my life- knowing about the reassurance thing has really helped me keep myself in check, but it obviously doesn't solve the issue. I have not been able to find a professional who agrees with me, though. It makes me feel crazy trying to advocate for myself since I'm disagreeing with the people who have degrees so strongly. The thing that makes it difficult is that I have ADHD, anxiety and depression already as diagnoses. Everytime I bring up my symptoms, it's like they're afraid to acknowledge the possibility of OCD. I genuinely don't know why. The therapist I just started seeing told me that she makes the differential based on magical thinking. (For reference, I'm on Medicaid, I can't do NOCD therapy). It was honestly shattering for me. It sent me into a long spiral afterwards. I don't really have many compulsions involving magical thinking to my knowledge. But I do know that my thoughts aren't rational. I can spend hours at a time thinking things over and over and over again to the point that I never get anything done and I'm so tired of it. I pace back and forth as I review everything constantly in my mind to the point that my feet are sore every day. I avoid driving because I'm terrified I'm going to get into a life changing accident. I've never gone to one of my graduations because I was terrified of the possibility of screwing it up. I can't forget anything wrong that I've ever done. They all come back to haunt me and I can't even identify the triggers, it just happens randomly and then I just can't stop. I can't maintain any friendships because they always confirm my fears one way or another. I've been confident that it's more than anxiety alone. It's difficult to not ruminate on it. It's even more difficult not to scratch that itch to just make people believe me at any cost. I just wish my pain could be recognized. I want help so badly.

Hi all. I have severe contamination OCD and I’ve been spiraling for over 36 hours. I’ve tried breathing techniques, sour candy, and other grounding techniques but I cannot seem to get the obsessions down right now. I just started therapy for this and I’m ready to see some relief from doing that work. But what are some things that have helped you all in the meantime? I’m open to trying new things to see if I can find more effective coping skills.

It’s been almost 4 months talking to this man and I out of no where feel nothing for him. I feel like it’s time to let him go and stay to myself for a very long time. I feel like a bad person. One minute I feel like I’m sure I love him while having fear that j don’t. I showed him a picture of what we would look like getting married and he asked are you happy with the person in the picture and j said yes and then later I told I feel like I lied because one minute I think I want a relationship and the next my head is filled with doubts. So as of right now I feel nothing and it’s kinda bothering me. When we hug and kiss I feel nothing. I know he will take good care of me but I don’t think he deserves to be with someone who doubts like this and doesn’t know what they want. I will look at him to see if I feel anything and I’m back and forth on google and looking for advice from my mom. I’ve told him my fears so many times and even wanting to take breaks. I feel eventually he will be fed up with me. I don’t think I’ll ever find love😢💔

21 days until my birthday. I’m actually so scared and nauseous. I don’t want to turn 19 it really scares me knowing I will not be a teen after that, I can hardly articulate why exactly. It feels like I wasted my teen years and like a safety blanket has been pulled off. I graduated last year in May on the 19th and I really was just sad the whole time. I hate that I still miss school I really do. I miss navigating around the building and being surrounded by peers, when it felt like I was still young and a child. I still feel like a kid, I act like one and even look like one too. I also took a gap year after school because I was too depressed to think about anything but the here and now and whatever intrusive thoughts I had that day. During the summer I will be attending a pre college sort of thing and living on campus for a whole week alone. If I truly love it there I hope I can go and have time there when I am still technically a teen, the idea of being 20 actually makes me physically sick and I’m scared. Today I should be happier, I just was able to secure public transportation for people with disabilities to help them become more independent. The passage of time is my biggest fear truly.

Anyone feel less lonely when isolating? It’s rather empowering because I no longer get disappointed by others lack of reciprocation. However, I don’t want to be a recluse either and I find the OCD is quieter when I’m around others. I also highly recommend deleting instagram or at least deactivating it if you’re feeling lonely. I’ve said this before the whole trial started but that app’s UI is designed to get you addicted and the whole interface itself is toxic with how you can message people, see others’ following and followers, be left on read while someone’s still online.. the fact that receipts are enabled by default and you can’t turn them off (as far as I’m aware) It just breeds internalization, seeing tagged posts of friends to go out somewhere who may’ve invited your other friends but not you. I’ve been ghosted by all of my college friends which I can’t pinpoint why after self reflecting and I don’t have any friends from high school left as they’ve also ghosted me too after graduating despite us being buddy buddy. It’s whatever. Part of me is afraid to casually open up to this about other people because they’ll assume I’m the common denominator but ghosting is too normalized in our culture idk. There’s times it’s definitely warranted but often times I feel like it’s people just inconsiderately pulling the plug to people whom they feel indifferent about. It messed with me not having that closure and internalizing like I was the common denominator, I started self jeopardizing the good friendships I did have because I felt perpetually rejected my whole life. But then I have moments of clarity and realize that there are plenty of times where I’m cherished(?) by others and that I simply have tunnel vision because a bad go of it with my adolescence, a fundamental building block into adulthood. I remember reading a post about someone saying how they had no friends and me and some other person replied with how teachers in school made better friends than your actual friends 😭 When adults reciprocate with you, or compliment you, take that and hold it close because they’ve been around longer and are able to sus out bullshit and good character traits. I had this sweet staff member who was a caretaker for a special needs student i was really friendly with say a simple sentence that still sticks with me to this day and it really boosts my self esteem to where i’m starting to be content with myself

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Curious to see how other’s first major episode started and how it stacked up to mine, so feel free to share yours. So I’ve always had OCD and knew it but it was very mild and manageable, things like checking, mild contamination, etc. those didn’t really bother me and they were more so annoying if anything. A couple months ago I sent an email, yes an email, that’s what kicked off this major severe episode. I don’t wanna get too into the content of the fear but it was related to false memory POCD. When I hit send on some random email my brain immediately catastrophized. “What if this terrible thing happened and you forgot?” -> catastrophe -> catastrophe -> catastrophe, you get the point. My brain jumped from “yippie let me send this email 😊” to “your life is f****d 😈” in .1 seconds, my mood has literally not been the same since then, except for a brief moment at the theme switch. As an OCD newbie I was like ok I have to get to the bottom of this and start doing research, a lot of research, from google to ChatGPT to whatever else. A couple months go by and something snaps in my brain and it goes “wait…that’s literally not you, you would never ever do such a thing” and I get PEACE. For about 2ish days I am regular me again and my vibrant personality is back, even people close to me thought I was back. BOY I was very wrong. That spiral was mild compared to what was coming. One night, about 2 days after the previous spiral ended, I was laying bed and my brain went “so you thought I was done didn’t you, well guess what I’m NOT! You remember how you used AI and googled things related to your false memory POCD? Yeah so you’re gonna get falsely reported and arrested for what you put into those and someone’s gonna think you actually did that!” Sheer panic ensues, the last one wasn’t as bad because I could tell myself you would never do such a thing, this one no I actually asked sketchy questions during my compulsive research some without the context that it was all OCD. My brain latched onto something that is like gas on fire for OCD, sheer impossible uncertainty unless the catastrophe comes true. This is the worst anxiety and sheer fear I’ve ever felt in my life. Basic tasks feel like moving mountains, cognitive ability I feel like I’m in elementary school, the fear has completely hijacked my brain. Now here we are several weeks into this new terrifying theme. I share this in hope that someone can see my ups and downs and learn from me. Do not fall into your compulsions and certainly do not use AI. I probably would’ve still figured out it was no big deal without the AI, which would’ve not created a new obsession. If you’re comfortable feel free to share the map of your current spiral below.

A question for people suffering with real-event OCD where they have ACTUALLY done something wrong. I'm not just saying something your OCD considers wrong, but is generally considered bad. Yes this may have been decades and decades ago. I know many of you have changed into wonderful people. How do YOU cope? How do you handle the guilt and shame? I'm trying to accept that I've grown as a human bring, but it's gotten worse during my flareup.

I’ve been experiencing relationship OCD for about two months now but for the last two weeks it’s been really bad. I’ve been with my girlfriend for the last nine and a half months and it’s been a dream. we get along so well, we hang out all the time, we never fight because we see eye to eye on most everything and if we don’t we figure it out, and we’ve talked about and know we’re going to spend our lives together. A couple days after Valentine’s Day an intrusive thought popped in my head: “do you really want to be with her?” Of course this freaked me out because I do want to be with her, and I love her so much that I never even pondered a thought scaring me so much. I told her about it a week later and she’s supportive of me because she knows those aren’t my actual thoughts. The last week and a half have been bad. It’s ramped up a lot, I don’t really eat, I haven’t been sleeping well, I have panic attacks multiple times a day because I’m scared the thoughts are getting stronger and they’ll actually push me to break up with her, which would be the biggest mistake of my life if I did. She’s out of the country this week so it’s been harder to see her and ground myself, so I’ve just spun my wheels and kept telling myself that I do love her, I do want to be with her, and looking at pictures of her when I was happier (not that I’m only unhappy in our relationship, I’m unhappy in life), but nothing is getting through to me like it used to. Every time I think of her I have this burning feeling in my face almost like guilt, but I’m not guilty for being with her. I know those feelings aren’t actually mine and I consciously love her, but it’s getting harder and harder to fight those thoughts that have now manifested themselves into feelings. The feelings make me feel like i don’t want to be with her and I would be happier without her but i know it’s not the truth. I believe she is my person and she believes the same thing about me, and we can’t both be wrong. I also believe if you love someone consciously and you make the choice to be with them the feelings will come back again at some point. I know the feelings are in my heart and I just need to get them back out. My biggest issue is spinning my wheels feels better because it means that I’m fighting the thoughts and feelings but I know it’s making everything worse.

Lately I have been convinced I have bedbugs. Each time I stop worrying, it's like I find new evidence. For instance, the other day I found a kind of group of black specks on the side of my bedsheets even though I'd only put a fresh sheet on a couple of days ago, and the specks seemed to wipe off with water and smeared black if anything. I also have noticed tiny red specks on my arms (kinda like freckles, look like cherry angiomas) but not necessarily any itchy bites or anything, but I've convinced myself that they're bites because not everyone reacts to the bites. My problem is, I'm planning on going to a friend's house over the weekend, and she's offered for me to stay the night in a spare room instead of being picked up late, and I desperately want to say yes because it means I wouldn't have to worry about getting a lift home really late, but I'm worried it would be irresponsible of me. I don't want to give anyone bedbugs. I know it's bad to ask for reassurance and I desperately have been trying not to, but I've been spiralling lately and I just need opinions on whether it would be irresponsible to sleep over. I'm too scared to check around my bed more than I already have, I just don't know what to do. I've been doing so badly lately because of this.