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the NOCD Community

Very tired of the thoughts, still waiting for official diagnosis from psychiatrist

Hi, I am new here and didnt realise there were so many forms of OCD. I have had OCD for many years andvhad CBT a few years ago which didnt really change anything. My main obsessions are checking doors to the point I regularly break handles, constant checking of taps and electrical switches. It takes up large chunks of my day and I obviously want it gone. What OCD is this please and any advice on helping with it would be appreciated.

Heya all! This is my first time posting in this forum. I hope people will be patient and understanding with my condition because I know it might sound annoying or people might not understand it but for those who do, please try to help me get through this. Basically, I’m in a long distance relationship and in the beginning it was decent though he wasn’t my first choice in the beginning (mostly because I felt afraid of online people coming into my life and hurting me) but I gave it a try anyway. I was really excited in the beginning as I felt like someone finally truly loved me and he’s an amazing guy and it’s my first ever relationship (because I was sheltered most of my life and put in private schools). I never had a first kiss, or anything intimate at all and I’m 19 which makes me sad already because long distance makes it difficult to even meet because he lives in a different country. We’ve been together for 1 1/2 years and my has it been difficult. After months passed after the beginning and we shared core bonding moments. But then, I started to notice that I couldn’t stand him for no reason and I would go around and around (even to this day) worrying about not loving him and that I want someone else to love. I hate the distance, I hate the fact that people have it easier, it makes me extremely upset with my own self. Because I’m 19 then I started to feel FOMO and my friends and other people are telling me to break up with him because I should live more of a life my age and not be tied down WHICH MAKES THE ROCD WORSE😭😭😭 I start feeling hatred, disgust and resentment over my partner for literally no reason. It makes me panic constantly because my brain tells me I don’t love him which makes me panic and other people confirm which makes me panic twice more. And don’t get me started on when an anxious episode starts I start scrolling the internet for answers for HOURS on whether I love him and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. To top it all off, I have parents that are completely against the relationship because it’s online and they believe that it’s all a scam, he’s an organ seller, he’s going to cheat on me, steal from me, and all these people keep filling my head with problems that make me feel like breaking up. But then I get defensive when people say to break up because I think deep down I don’t really want it to end but when I don’t end it I started feeling miserable and “trapped” in the situation because he can’t see me due to visa issues, I’m not allowed to see him due to my mom telling me she’s going to evict me if I did and it’s absolutely horrible. No one supports us really that much it’s usually 50/50. My mom makes me feel like the relationship is wrong at all times and restricts from doing anything and mentally tortures me day and night. At the end of the day I feel…suicidal. My relationship makes me anxious Where I live makes me anxious My friends make me anxious. Everything does… And it hurts so much like I just feel like I can’t do it much longer and no one cares to help. Me and my boyfriend have been supporting each other for the longest and he really is kind to me all the time I actually don’t know why I feel like I’m lying saying that but he is always kind to me and never judges. I live in a manipulative household and had a trauma bond with my mother for years so anything she disapproves makes my brain warn me to stay away though there’s nothing wrong. I was afraid of going outside until last year because she said it was dangerous and she severely scared me into not going anywhere all my life so I could never find help but I’m happy that I have a chance to find some now. I don’t know why I get triggered by everything my boyfriend does and getting triggered makes me anxious that I don’t love him and then I feel stuck in the relationship and I start thinking like maybe I should break up and find other guys near me but that makes me anxious too because this person has been there for me through thick and thin and I feel horrible and I think deep down I don’t really want a different guy I just want the suffering to stop because I wouldn’t spend day and night ruminating over not loving him and not feeling right in the relationship day and night. It’s just like too much and idk what to do. I just want to see him honestly but even my heart started losing hope there too and I’m afraid that I can’t continue this relationship which makes me anxious of course again. But then breaking up I get scared and don’t want either because we have such a close relationship. Also another annoying thing I hate is when my ROCD and my perfectionist ocd have a fucking collab and are just like “let’s pick on every single part of his personality to justify why we should break up with him” I’ll start picking on little things like the fact he’s from a different country, his looks, his family, long distance, everything they all get thrown against me to justify my leaving. And please don’t be angry it’s not personal but I’m actually so sick of people who have it easy. Who can choose what they want for themselves without being anxious. Who can wake up every morning to their significant other and be with them, kiss them, feel them, Fuck them, everything. The people who have all their friends and family cheering them and the relationship on and I’ve been nothing but kind to people in life and this is what I get. For life to spit it all in my face. Sometimes I think maybe I should consider an open relationship with him to feel more comfortable but I know he would feel uncomfortable and jealous and heartbroken and I would too. I would feel horrible and seeing him talking to other girls would give me a heart attack. Like this really isn’t fair… I want the relationship but I don’t and it’s so confusing? And one slight change of tone in someone’s wording to this comment that could sound like break up is going to set me in another anxious loop. Even if his tone changes I get scared that he might be upset with me, he’s leaving me, he’s abandoning me etc. it just never ends. Then I’m sad that I don’t have the spark in this relationship like I used to before but that’s primarily because none of my relationships were actually relationships first of all they were hot and cold crushes that used me for things like sexting and then blocked me…It was hard to trust people online after that ngl. People irl sucked just as well because I would constantly chase them only for them to ignore me. And I had a crush on someone who had no romantic interest or even similar hobbies to me whatsoever. People say the chase is what kept me going and that’s it an anxious loop which is probably true but at the same time I think to myself I didn’t really like chasing them. But I guess the anxious adrenaline you get from chasing a hot and cold person feels thrilling but it’s really anxiety. ALSO Another thing that is too much not only are people unsupportive but I have no group of friends to hang out with or anything. I feel like if I did things would be so much better. But I can’t even have that…I’m just in my room all day talking to my boyfriend all day, playing games, going for walks in my neighborhood and eating. That’s it. A lifestyle to literally commit suicide over how dull it is😭😭😭 Can’t get a job either because no one hires me and I’m not sure why probably because there are so many applicants and I just finished high school last year June. But please answer if you understand this because i have to build trust to open up more which is hard for me but please I beg if you can please reach out to me. I really need it. Thank you so much for your time 🙏🙏🙏

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months and have a super strong connection (lesbians iykyk). We met the first week of our freshman year of college and now it’s summer before sophomore year. I am absolutely in love with it her and she is my favorite person in the world. I feel so safe around her and feel like I can tell her anything. She also has OCD, but a different flavor than mine. My OCD presents as being scared of abandonment and that people are lying to me, and magical thinking surrounding that. Hers is related to some past traumas and is very much about her being a good person and making the right choices for her. We both want guarantees in life and can’t ever get them, and we work through it together. We know not to reassure each other and to approach a fear or worry with the attitude of “everything will be ok even if we don’t know the future”. This makes our relationship even stronger and I believe we grow closer because of it. It’s still hard though and life isn’t easy living with OCD. She is working at a summer camp almost all summer and I’ve been able to see her on the weekends which has been really nice. Working at camp is the best option for her because of her mental health and family situation, so even though I miss her a ton I know it’s the right choice for her. Her best friend since high school also works at the camp and will get there soon, but I just feel really jealous and worried about it. Mostly because my girlfriend and her best friend used to have feelings for each other. I know my girlfriend doesn’t feel the way she used to about her friend, but I’m scared she will. I’m scared she will realize she still loves her friend romantically and it will ruin everything. With her OCD, she isn’t really sure of feelings sometimes so I’m afraid she will have something in her that still likes her friend. For some reason I just can’t handle the idea of that. Maybe because I’m afraid of being abandoned or that I’m not loved as much as someone else. I hate that I feel this way and I don’t want to feel these jealous feelings. My girlfriend and I are very open and honest, so we talked about it and she understands and listens, but doesn’t reassure which is good but hard. She loves her friend so much and is so happy around her, but what if my girlfriend loves her more than me? We build our relationship off of trust and I know she would never do it but what if she cheats? They are so close and sleep in the same bed When they have sleepovers and stuff which makes me uncomfortable, but I guess I just have to be ok with it. When talking to my girlfriend about it she just says that she understands and that it would hard to feel the feelings, but doesn’t reassure necessarily. She tells me the truth that she doesn’t have feelings but other things that make me uncomfortable aren’t being reassured. That’s just how it goes but I’m still just uncomfortable. I’m about to not see my girlfriend for 3 weeks and she is going to be working with her friend and on the weekends they will be camping. Her friend’s mental health is pretty bad right now so they definitely want to have time to talk and be together, but I’m just afraid something will happen. What if emotions are high and something happens between the two of them? I don’t know how I’d get through it, because to me that’s betrayal. That’s cheating if anything romantic happens. I think I’m talked to my girlfriend about it before but it’s just not an easy thing to ask. Like saying “oh can you not sleep in the same bed as your best friend because that makes me uncomfortable?” It’s not a fair thing to ask necessarily. I guess lm just jealous because she is my favorite person and I don’t get to see her for a few weeks. Her best friend hasn’t seen her in months so I guess it’s fine but I feel like I sound so controlling. I would never really say a lot of this to her because it’s not fair to her but it’s hard dealing with feelings of jealousy and worry. I trust her so much but my brain has doubts and just wants a guarantee.

I’ve had OCD for over 6 years, and I know exactly how it is to live with OCD, I’ve been to therapy and I know exactly how intrusive thoughts are like, they are completely unwanted thoughts, followed with compulsive behaviors. Now I’ve been having a thought (idk if it’s intrusive) for months, it doesn’t feel like my usual intrusive thoughts, I don’t do compulsive behaviors or tics when I have this thought like I usually do, but instead I do comparisons. So the thought is: “I am not attracted to my boyfriend’s body, I do not feel aroused by him”, and then I imagine myself having another boyfriend that is “the perfect one” to see if I feel attraction to them in bed or not, and the answer is yes I feel. Then I repeat the same thought but with my current boyfriend to see if I felt the same feeling, and I do not feel it. Note that I love my boyfriend so much, he is the love of my life and I absolutely adore him, I couldn’t ask for more. But what if I love him but he does not turn me on? Help please

so I joined a chronically ill/neurodivergent support group on discord and someone said they had an "issue" with anxiety and OCD being considered forms of neurodivergence. I didn't speak to the anxiety part but I explained why I believe OCD is absolutely a form of neurodivergence, and she argued that the definition is becoming too broad and when you include too many things then basically "neurotypical people become the minority/basically everyone is neurodivergent." I STRONGLY disagree with this take and to me it seems arbitrary that ADHD is universally considered neurodivergence alongside ASD, but OCD isn't. what are your thoughts?

Hello guys. I’ve had cardiophobia for 2 years. I’m 31 and got so many tests from stress ECG to Echocardiogram and all were clear. I was smoking but stopped two months ago and since my anxiety increased. For the last 4 days, I’m anxious every moment and I’m thinking to go to another doctor even though I know it’s reassurance seeking. Symptoms always change and now I have chest pain. Do you have any advice? I’m living in another country where I couldn’t find any therapist who is successfully treating OCD.

I made a mistake years ago that I later corrected, but I’m now stuck in intense guilt and self-hatred. Two people witnessed it, and chatgpt says it's my OCD telling me this means I can never succeed because they could expose or blackmail me in the future. I feel a strong urge to confess, explain myself, analyse what the mistake says about my character, with chatgpt cause I'm too ashamed to discuss in therspy, and get certainty that I’m not a bad person. How can I respond to this as an OCD episode without using confession or reassurance as a compulsion?

Does anyone else struggle to enjoy good moments because they’re constantly worried about what a physical symptom could mean, or because they have a gut feeling that the partner isn’t right for them, but they keep trying to ignore it?

For the past week my ocd has been telling me that my family logs into my email and everything related to my email my whole life the used my number, name, and email for anything. They know my email and password by heart, I changed the password for my email but I feel like it’s too late because they already went through it, I already have bad ocd that convinces me when I have an intrusive thought it pops up into my head and I write it down in google and it’s always disturbing and nasty thoughts so it’s not like i cant ignore it. I went to the great links of downloading the data but it’s taking too long.

I tried to get over my ocd thought but it has too much power and meaning. I have other posts about it, if you want to see what the thought is about, and I'm tired of the people that flag my posts. That does nothing to help my ocd, this is very real and flagging the post doesnt help at all, in fact it makes me want to do compulsions more.

I have tlly bad OCD but it got out of hand and I don't think it was ocd anymore My mind went outa hand the past few days and I just wanna cry I’ve cried 2 times already but I feel like I don’t even deserve to be upset. It started w old ocd spiral them then it flipped to another then it became “you wanna impress guys on ur vacation. And u want em coming up to you” then it got worse and more true feeling then yesterday i saw a cute guy and was covering my self up but i had thoughts that bc I never see him again I’ll miss him (which used to happen when I was single) bc I missed out or smth and it was just so awful yesterday til I had some epiphany that I love my bf so much bc he’s my soul mate and my best friend and I’m now very numb and upset and feeling so terrible and undeserving and he knows I was spiraling but he always assumes I don’t love him but that was smth that felt like it was up for debate when it shouldn’t be and today’s our 2 years and I’m just such a mess I feel awful And I am so afraid this wasn't an ocdspirql and I actually wanted it and I can't take that bc he's my everything and I'm supposed to love him Not rlly anyone I told him I spiraled but he gets upset bc he thinks I don't love him anymore but I do ik I do😖but I got so confused and I'm so terrible and then I can't talk to my therapist bc she isn't available on weekends PLS SOMEONE HELP ME THIS IS SO AWFUL I FEEL TERIIBLE BC I DO LOVE HIM I RLLY DO

(This is my first post in days... I've genuinely been trying to be better....) When i was 20 (i am 24 now) i was hanging out with this other girl friend of mine at a house party. I followed her to the house restroom where she was checking herself out in the mirror... i hugged her from behind... i cant remember whether i hugged her stomach or waist... most likely hugged her stomach from behind... i cant remember if whether I touched her rear or touched her chest or whether if these are both just false memories... i genuinely cant remember... im getting intrusive thoughts that i harassed her and that she'll accuse me of harassment in the future, when she said she doesnt remember anything I did that made her feel upset or uncomfortable when i asked a year or two later... I said "Your my friend and i genuinely care about you. And i wanted to make sure that if i did anything to upset you or make you feel uncomfortable, then i apologize" And she replied "Your straight I’m not worried about it" And then when i asked "But did i do anything to make you feel upset or uncomfortable??" She said "It was a long time ago I can’t remeber I’m sorry" So now my harm ocd is making me think I actually s3xually harassed her when I dont want to harass any woman in any way... All i want... is for my girlfriend to be happy and comfortable with life... i have said to her to let me know if i do anything to make her uncomfortable, and I'll stop and apologize... i genuinely feel broken and empty because of my real events... but she makes me happy... makes me wanna go further...

Hello. I’m new to this and I just wanted to share my experience to see if anyone can relate, to help anyone going through the same thing, or even some advice or just to feel community I suppose. I’ve never been officially diagnosed mainly because I haven’t realized everything until recently over the past year or so. When I was younger, I struggled a lot with anxiety about horrible things happening to me or people I loved, so much to the point where I was terrified to do anything or go outside. Another was huge health anxiety where I would convince myself that I basically had some kind of disease anytime anything felt SLIGHTLY off. Something I’ve done as I’ve gotten older is be VERY particular about specifically my hygiene. I’m kinda contradictory where I’m definitely not the neatest person and horrible at organizing and definitely not a germ aphobe, yet for some reason when it comes to my hygiene like showering, deodorant, or even cleaning my teeth specifically before going to the dentist, I have to do it until it feels clean. I developed scabs under my arms and different places because of how much I feel like I have to go over it. I take an unreasonably long time in the shower and when I get out I have a whole other process for cleaning my electronics which I’m not even going to get into. And if I feel like I messed up or missed a step, I get incredibly stressed and anxious and I have to go back and redo certain things until it’s right again. But more so, I’ve noticed something I’ve always done and has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I will pick something on or in my body that doesn’t feel right to me and basically hyper focus on it or try to “fix” it until it feels right. I used to do this a bit as a child but over the years it’s just been getting worse. For example, the past year it’s been stuff like pushing the side of my nose down until it “feels right” which caused scabs. And countless other things. And if someone interrupts me or something during it, I get IRRATIONALLY angry and frustrated and I don’t want to be but idk. This can take up HOURS of my day and it interferes with my sleep, my homework, my work, and even just enjoying time with myself and with others. It feels debilitating. I talked to my family about this and they suggested therapy but I’ve been to it before for my ADHD and I didn’t have the best experience and don’t know if that’s for me. All in all, I just want to share this because I know I’ve felt alone in this and I hope I can help someone who deals with these feel a little less alone, and if anyone has anything to share I’d love to hear :)

I'm worried about a lot of things right now.. I'm worried there's a blood clot in my left leg but I don't know if it is or not. I wanted to go to the hospital today but I didn't. Tomorrow I will go because I don't know what's going on with me. The right side of my stomach now has a pinching pain that came out of nowhere today and it has lasted the whole day. I feel like I'm not going to get the sleep that I need because of this. I'm getting thoughts that way I'm not going to wake up tomorrow in my sleep. I'm worrying a lot right now. I want to see a primary doctor but I can't because I'm waiting.

hey all! long time no post. im going through a very hard time right now, because im switching medication from sertraline to fluoxetine and its taking a good time to get to a certain dose. the issue is, ocd has once again latched itself onto one of my main interests at the moment, and giving me intrusive FEELINGS about something i had been looking forward in it (more specifically, making me feel uncomfortable about that certain thing happening). i've been, like, bawling every day. clonazepam is not working at all in helping me calm down. my question is, should i take a break from the series/content regarding the specific thing OCD latched itself onto, or keep interacting with it despite/in spite of the intrusive feelings? it is a bit scary, feeling like i want to take a break from it. i dont want to think its me genuinely wanting to be away from it, i think thats OCD in itself talking. but. i need advice. thanks!

So today was supposed to be an ok day. I wasn’t going to take a pregnancy test because I was going to wait a little. However I let my fears and thoughts get to me and took one after I went to the bathroom. I did notice that compared to the other tests, this test had a very prominent test line. It already looked like a grey evap line. The test had barely a drop on it. The test was not saturated at all. The result was not coming up right away. I figured it was a faulty test because I didn’t saturate it. Maybe 40mins to and hour later I look at the same test and I see two lines. Instantly my fight or flight kicked in. I ran to take another one. This time I saturated the test and waited the appropriate amount of time. Within 10 minutes i only seen one line. In that moment I kept thinking to myself: “Ok I took my birth control every same time.” “We’ve used protection and even during two withdrawal days there was still nothing left in me” I tried to rationalize with myself but I just can’t seem to shake it. I can’t do this again. Immediately I start googling things like “does not putting enough urine on a test mess up the results.” All the answers I was getting wasn’t pointing me in a direction I needed to hear. I started to think ok I need to buy more tests and I need to get bloodwork done. So I went and got bloodwork done. I’m praying I get results tonight. I keep waiting and refreshing my health app to see if any results are posted. The palpitations won’t stop, the fidgeting anxiety. I have no appetite. I have no desire to move off my couch. This happens every month and every month I spend so much on tests and do bloodwork and all the same result: negative. I am trying so hard to wait for these results and fight the urge to buy more tests. I have been protecting myself so much. Withdrawal has been working. I sent pictures over to a friend who’s a nurse and has gone through TTC. She told me that again I am making myself sick that harboring old pregnancy tests and looking at old results is not healthy for me. She also told me that I could have just as well messed up the test because of the lack of urine. She told me that I should believe the test I took after on a full bladder. I cannot relax. All I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is get my results.

this is my first post so i’m a little nervous, but i wanted to talk about how awful meta OCD can be. to preface, i’m 19 and undiagnosed with OCD, but have had pretty severe harm OCD, moral scrupulosity OCD and POCD (along with real event and false memory OCD that feeds into these other themes) since i was 14. i only realised that i had OCD this year a few months ago, since before that i had a very poor misconception of OCD as only involving physical compulsions and mainly being about cleaning, obsessively checking locks and the like. but since discovering i have OCD, all my symptoms have gotten much worse since i’ve been hyperaware of every compulsion and intrusive thought. i went into a spiral that lasted days and it was agony. i became fully convinced that i had subconsciously tricked myself into believing i have OCD. somehow, all my obsessions come back to moral and POCD themes- so i started believing that i, at 14, was completely normal, and then suddenly had a subconscious urge to be a pedophile…so i forced myself into being a pedophile…and then the guilt got too much to bear…so i subconsciously repressed the memories of doing all this…and then years later discovered POCD and moral-type OCD subtypes and assigned them to myself. it’s all very convoluted but it made me feel even more evil. because the original fear with POCD is ‘what i’m a pedophile’, but due to the meta-OCD it has now evolved into ‘what if i wasn’t a pedophile, but i forced myself to become one out of some strange subconscious desire’. so now i’m scared i’m some kind of new predator- one that actively chose to become one but suppressed memories of choosing this. it’s just so exhausting, and the worst of the spiral has passed, but my mind keeps coming back to the ‘what if i’ve tricked myself’ obsession. does anyone else have any experiences with meta-OCD or have any tips on how to not spiral into these meta-OCD obsessions?

I caught my husband watching porn again. I can't do this mentally anymore. Hes made me feel so ugly. Im not I can't do this anymore my ocd and mental is worse because of him I want to leave but I can't. Idk what to do anymore

Hiiii, how many of you experience real event themes? What do they look like for you? For me they always over analyse some things I engaged with during my teenage years and they also obsess over embarrassing things I’m not proud of, oftentimes thinking I’ll get exposed and my whole life will be ruined </3. I’m looking forward to finding new profiles of people who struggle with real event so that we can support each other. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here, xx 🫂