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Please someone in here that’s bi write I. This comment

Anyone else have Health OCD around the fear of psychosis? It’s made me so hyperaware of all sounds and movements it makes me feel like I’m slipping. My psychiatrist has assured me that I am far from psychosis, but how have others overcome this fear?

i don’t deserve to feel good things or be alive.

Please answer this. Do you sometimes just get a "bad feeling". Like not intrusive thoughts but a bad feeling and then intrusive thoughts related to your theme but you cant really make sense of them if you try to explain them out loud. I have moral scrupulosity, so I just randomly get a stomach sinking feeling, and then I will get intrusive thoughts but I cant really explain the event or reason why I feel how I feel, it doesn't make much logical sense. I hope I'm not the only one that feels like this.

Tell me your point of view on this, I beg you. I feel like for me it is all or nothing. I have this small rituals, like placing things in the certain way and I can easily skip them. But the main danger is feeling "dirty". I can be dirty all day without consequences, but If l'm "dirty" while going to sleep, the only soultion in the morning is to clean everything. Wash the sheets, clothes, things that I touched. What I'm trying to say is that if I fail, even in the littlest thing, the only solution for my ocd will be to clean everything. Cleaning just a little won't help. Everything or nothing. Cleaning everything means starting exercises from the beginning, cleaning takes hours or a whole day. And I live together with my boyfriend, he does not know, but just his presence helps me a lot. It's because of him that I feel like I could go all in. I can't change sheets every day. So I feel like I can't go step by step, I feel like I need to go all in. In ERP you face being uncomfortable step by step, but as I say, there is no mild version for me. Small rituals doesn't matter, lately I skip them all the time and I'm fine with it. But if I let go of just one thing connected to being dirty, do not fix it in the evening and go to sleep dirty, it will jump to the extremum. And as time will pass by, I will touch more things, wear more clothes, so there will be more and more dirty things around me and I will need to ignore it. If I want to keep exercising, I need to resist cleaning sheets, clothes and myself (cleaning myself as a compulsion), so I will be uncomfortable all the time. Every single minute. If I do this one step, the only step there is, the only that matters, I will be extremely uncomfortable all the time. Not for a while, it won't be a short exercise. Because of my boyfriend, I feel like I can go all in and somehow it will turn out fine, just because he is with me, loves me and I love him and I want for us to have a "normal", happy life. I believe I can't go step by step, because there is just this ultimate step of going to bed "dirty". I'm ready to go all in, but I wonder, is it even possible to turn out fine this way?

Real event OCD is taking over me right now. I can't decide what's rational and what's irrational. I feel as though the anxiety it suitable punishment for my stupid behaviour, particularly an event from when I was 14, but I hate the effect it has on others around me. I just want to be a good person, and make people happy. I want to feel like I deserve love and friendship, but this one event is holding me back right now. It makes every kind thing I do seem worthless. I don't think I deserve anything good in life. I spend my time Googling constantly to see if anyone has experienced anything similar, but everyone else seems to have been younger when it happened to them, and I feel as though I should have known better at 14. I don't know how to carry on.

I feel so fat like is it bad that I'm 14 and I'm 5 feet 3ish inches and I weigh 51 kg (112 lbs)? I feel so bad and my body dismorphia goes crazy at the thought that Im fatter than other females. I'm just drinking black coffee to reduce my appetite but I still have the need to deprive myself even more. Is that gonna be ok?

Ocd has completely distorted my mind :(

Can’t even talk to guys without getting extreme anxiety I get extreme anxiety with guys I don’t know but I’m comfortable with my friends can anyone relate? I know I don’t want guys but I can’t help but look at them

Ok guys.. If there’s anyone willing to help me. This is a long story of my love life and my mental historic. So if you find any time to read this and help a confused 16 boy, please don’t hesitate. Ok let’s go.. My memories are a bit vague but as I can remember my first “crush” was a girl from kindergarten. I spent a lot of time with her I rememeber even teelin mom to buy us valentien’s candies as she did. After that there comes a big blank in my straight life. Since idk pretty young i think i was 6,7 my father used to cheat on my mom. I was very happy with mom, I didn’t receive much of a warm love of my father I was quite scared of him most of the time. So she cheated on her and he did the mistake to take me to his mistress. I always found mom crying in my bedroom cause she knew, I saw dad screaming her punching her being violent with her. So i decided i decided i would take mom to that woman place . So another fight started, where me as a kid i got involved i was also screamed at, punched.. however the things chilled out. This scenario happened again 4 years after as my mom didnt get a divorce and much more fights where me and mom were sittin with all our baggages to leave him. Somehow we didnt. So.. i don’t know but i ve got this feeling that in my brain it was produced a lack of masculine help, a paternal figure or i really don’t know. Cause since I was guys and I’m not kidding 8-9 years old I used to watch photos of muscled man and touch myself, to get that feeling of protection, so in my mind there was produced idk a complex of inferiority from all the other men. Of course I used to be very girly, I even used to play with dolls.. so idk some gay chemicals were released in my brain or i really don’t know. This continued for almost 6 years where I was almost sure I was gay like I think I was even preparing for coming out but I still prayed God would help me cause something felt wrong, I also used to feel like a piece of shit after masturbation. So yeah... I was always inferior, always dreaming of being dominated and safe oh god these thoughts make me sick. However, HIGHSCHOOL CAME. Yes, everything was good untill I met this guy let’s call him David. David was obviously gay or bi. He was 2 years older than me and we started to get along. I think i had a crush in him and he liked me, so we started to talk more. The thing is that this relationship for me was awful. That year was the most awful. I FELT LIKE SHIt. I used to deal with THE BIGGEST ANXIETY OF MY LIFE. I used to shit myself 24/7. I always felt bad. I WAS SKINNY AS HELL. I WAS ILL as fuck. That relationship was draining me but somehow I managed to continue. mom, seeing my mental and physical status at that time got me to a psychiatrist where I said that idk why I feel anxiety. My friends were also really bad like snakes, like those kind of mean girls that were always ruminating and idk.. energy drainers. I also had none male friends. I was a piece of shit. So fast forward 3-4 months when I didn’t speak to David anymore. Things chilled out a bit. Just as he texted me to go for a date. I was literally shittin on me. When we met I was shaking I still rememeber my skinny pale face. It felt so wrong, It didn’t feel like romance fear it felt like edge of the hell. So idk we walked, we stayed at a pub for a while, and after that he got me somewhere a bit more private and wanted to kiss me. That moment felt like ww2. I was scared and even as ok seemed at that time a bit disgusted. So I refused . The date ended there we chated a bit after and that was it. From that moment my life started slowly regenerating. I started feeling a lot better with my anxiety. I started meditation. I started eating more, gaining weight and doing sport (which I never did before) and as these healthy habits came into my life I also started spotting girls . That happened just after a month, in May. I started being more productive and as I was wondered by discovering the beauty of girls women till then I so blind to see. As my self esteem grew, the vision that I have to be “protected” by a man, I took the charge, me being that man who is ready to protect a girl and love her. So it was really about how confident I felt on myself. There were some times where the “be protected mentallity came as when we were traveling and i don’t know the city so i feel like a stranger with no identity, yeah this type of thoughts came but i ignored them . So yeah basically, my life turned 180 . I got more muscled I started talking to girls make more friends and get rid of the bad ones, FEEL A LOT BETTER. And yeah laugh at the old version . I also started having females crushes School started I was feeling ok. I still remember the first day where there was a huge croud of students and I was looking for my crush (obviously a girl). Girls were telling me if I worked out I felt fine as hell. I started makin male friends . So yeah feeling good. October came and guess who called, David. It felt like the sky had fallen over me . So yeah i experienced a bit of anxiety and really bad mood that evening and my mom saw me and felt there was something wrong. So she came into my bedroom and I told her everything I told you guys about David that happeded 8-9 months ago . She deserved to know the truth. It felt like pushing a big stone off my chest. She huged me and said it was fine, she totally understood me and me i thought she was going to consider me crazy. Not at all! She reassured me that it was ok, it was all in the past and yeah. So I ended every bond with the past. November 2019 came and I started experiencing some thoughts like . Oh look that guy looks good. Thought which before I surpressed just by saying ok cool. And yeah that was it. But now there s something more “remember when you were gayy yeaahh, im the ghost and ill haunt you for the rest of your life” so i just keep having these thoughts, takin past as evidence. Even if in 100% sure i don’t want to be neither emotional neither sexual with a guy that gross me out like shit . There’s a old voive which still lives in my head . Sometimes I get gronials but as I tell myself man we are equal that guy and me we are equal, they disappear. I also experience dreams and lots of thoughts I hate, that are slowly waisting my energy. I know I can love only a woman truly, I want to spend my life with women, have sex with women and so on. But yeah, first I have to kill some ghosts. In the late weeks I quited meditation I haven’t done so much sport as before and yeah lack of productivity If you guys read all of this , I’ll pray for you my friends. If you have any advice, please, please help me.

Hey, I wanna share something. I have cocd, which is triggered by the things that I believe are "dirty". But they are not necessarily dirty, they rather remind me of bad memories, some really sad moments of my life. There were rituals and long hours spent on cleaning myself, but I could cope. It was bad and every day was a struggle, but compared to the next paragraph, it was still fine. Next, came this miserable time in my life, a few months, and some of the things I used back then are still massively contaminated, like clothes, pillows, some small objects. I threw almost all of them away and I even moved, because I believed everything there was contaminated. This few months were scary, dark and lonely. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about this time. It was better afterwards, after I moved and started a new life like one year ago. I'm better now, not good, but better. Compared to earlier, I feel like I'm on holidays. I live together with my boyfriend and he does not know. I really really love him, I want to be "normal" and live a happy life with him. Just the fact that he's with me, helps me a lot. Sometimes I think, that I can resign of all of my rituals and just focus on being with him and pursuing my dreams. And I keep asking myself, is that possible? Or ocd will hit me twice as hard if I do this? The thing with me is, that I do little rituals that I can skip if I try, but there are big things like going clean to bed. If I'm not sure if I was clean going to bed, I will clean all of the bed sheets the next day and all of the things that I contaminated. With my bf, when we are sleeping together, it won't be possible, so I try hard to be clean before sleeping. I can be dirty all day, if I just put my clothes in the washing machine at the end if the day. But if I go to sleep dirty, there is going to be hell. I would need to cleam everything. There were two times when I "let go of all the rituals" and it ended badly. But at times, I didn't have loving bf that was near me. So, would it work now? To just let go? Or it will just make things worse?

I have an honest confession to make about my HOCD: (1) I used to touch myself while looking lesbian porn. Outside of this I never had a crush on a girl nor did I desire doing those irl but ever since HOCD came I feel like thats a sign of me being lesbian....I honestly don't know what to do ?

Anyone could talk about hocd?

Deleted the old post to add a trigger warning! The last thing I want to do is trigger someone, but I am very proud of how far I’ve come since I’ve spent many a night agonizing over sexuality and OCD. I hope people can see that you can have HOCD and be proud of your story and your sexuality. That’s all I want to do here, much love to everyone! (And apologies to those who were having conversations under my post, I just don’t want to trigger anyone so I felt like I should delete it). Old post: I’ve come to realize I’m bisexual, which is honestly ironic since I grew up with an intense fear of being gay because of my OCD... it feels like part of me was just suppressing my real feelings because of a traumatic incident that happened when I was a kid... which I think is why I have OCD in the first place. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life by repressing myself because of OCD and I still have a lot of self doubt about wether I AM actually attracted to women or not. Does anyone else have an experience like this? I feel like realizing your sexuality later in life (and I mean after teen years, I’m only in my early 20s) can be normal for some people, but with the OCD on top of it you have to deal with a whole other level of internalized homophobia.

“Compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced by a patriarchal and heteronormative societ” Damnit what if I have this and not HOCD

Any recovery stories of HOCD/ SO-OCD?

Hey guys! I know this isn’t ocd related... but I’m in a pickle. A love pickle. And I need help. Long story short, my boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. We’d been dating for only 5 months, but we were friends for much longer. The breakup was mutual, and likely caused by his depression and my ocd and anxiety. Together, it put us in a really difficult time where he needed space, and I needed attention. Unfortunately, those two things didn’t go well together at the same time. Before we broke it off, I was in a really bad place. I had an extremely low opinion of myself and was starting to cut myself. It’s been one of the most challenging things I’ve gone through, and I felt horrible subjecting him to all of it. So we broke up. His reasoning was that he was extremely depressed and wanted to be alone, and that he didn’t know if he had the ability to be in a relationship right now, and to give me what I needed. Mine was similar. I wanted to work it out, but ultimately I understood that I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and that it was unfair to him to continue the pressure that was accumulating. We both still care a lot about each other, and have a lot of mutual friends. When we were together, it was the most beautiful relationship I’d ever been in. I’d never known what it was like to be in love with your best friend until this. (For all you mbti geeks out there, he was an intp and I’m an infj). We had our first kiss on our college football field in the middle of the night. He convinced me to break in with him. He was the one person who could get me to let loose (and because you all have ocd too, you understand how hard that can be sometimes). He was the one who made me reevaluate the way I saw the world. The one who made me think. The one who made me laugh. He’d never disrespect me, and never thought that my ideas were crazy. But the timing... I think the timing was wrong. If he hadn’t broken it off, I don’t think I would’ve realized that I didn’t love myself. I went to extra therapy sessions in the past week. I plan on going to group therapy. I plan on increasing the frequency I attend therapy. I met with some of our mutual friends this week. It was the first time I’d realized I’d been paranoid that they hated me, when they really do love me. (I had a lot of bullying from a roommate that was also a mutual friend, which caused my mental health to plummet, ultimately ushering the end to my relationship). I realized I want to love myself again. And then, another thing hit me. I was still in love with my ex. And it wasn’t the begging, pleading, desperate “love” so many people go through when they first break up with someone. I was looking online, trying to find some way to get over it, trying to find some ways to cope— And then I saw something that dug a pit so deep in my stomach that it absolutely terrified me. Just one sentence. “If you really love someone, you want the best for them, even if what’s best for them means being away from you.” And I did. My last ex, I screamed and begged and cried and tried everything to win him back. Last time, I was desperate. This time, I was patient. I texted him to thank him for the relationship. He texted me back reciprocating. Maybe it’s just the breakup feels getting to me... but I started to feel this conviction that this whole thing wasn’t right. I mean, that was my best friend. We still have so much care for each other, even if we can’t give it right now. He agreed to meet me for dinner on Monday night. I’m freaking out. Originally my plan was to figure out boundaries around mutual friends. But now... all I can think is that maybe we can start over. In the last week, I made the commitment that I will never stoop so low to hate myself again. I want to love myself. I want to love my life. I’d been trapped inside myself, using him as a crutch—and I don’t want that anymore. I want to start again. As best friends. Showing him the me that I should’ve been when we were together. The me that plans on working in D.C., advocating for environmental protection. The me that wants to give kindness in every corner. The me that I lost when my roommate started to bully me. But god, guys... I’m so scared. I’m terrified. This dinner could be the final thing that pushes him away if I don’t play it right. It’s not even that I want our relationship back. It wasn’t healthy. But I want to start over. I want to meet him all over again, and I want to get better. I still love him, in a way I don’t think I’d ever expected. But I’m terrified that he will resent me for wanting to starting over, which implies that I’d inevitably love to try a relationship again some day. What in the hell do I do?

Can anyone share their experiences with medications? Effectiveness, pros cons etc. (I know therapy is a better option but I don’t feel confident enough to open up to a stranger)

Hi NOCD users, I wondered if anyone is having difficulty separating yourself from your symptoms? We talk about this often during therapy sessions and within the ERP program. I understand that when you are dealing with these strong obsessive/intrusive, unwanted thoughts and images, it feels like it is a part of you! It is not a part you like or want. So many clients have shared how much they wish they could stop and how it feels like the OCD obsessive thoughts and compulsions are taking over their lives. They don’t feel like themselves anymore. This creates quite a dichotomy because what they believe can be the opposite of what they are thinking. How confusing this must feel! To believe in something so strongly and have your mind be telling you that you are the opposite in your thoughts. It can make you question who are are! This isn’t good for your self esteem/self worth. How much you like yourself and how valuable you feel as a person. Decreasing OCD obsessive thinking and compulsive actions is going to make you feel better. Staying true to who you are, not allowing the OCD symptoms get in the way of who you are inside. Challenge yourself to separate your “self” - who you really are including all of your beliefs - separate that true person from your OCD symptoms - they are just a thought and they are not real or factual. Let us help you separate yourself from these OCD symptoms, let us help you separate your true self from the uncertain thoughts. They are just that, uncertain. Learn to be more comfortable in uncertainty. We here at NOCD understand the pain this gives you and can help you by teaching you the first line treatment skills of ERP! If that sounds familiar to you, I hope this suggestion will help.

My worst OCD fear this far has been fear of having schizophrenia. It makes me feel absolutely miserable and just unwell. I know it’s a common theme. So I’m wondering, to the people who have this fear, do you ever get random paranoid thoughts or delusions that pop into your head but you know isn’t true? Like you’re just creating them to try to feed the ocd monster? Also, has anyone with this fear not tried taking medication for OCD in fear that will induce psychosis that you will never be able to come back from?