Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Long story short I caved today and gave into my compulsions in my rel yet again and my bf keeps saying how toxic I am in this rel. (making him miserable/ depressed/ bringing up old arguments/ and that I’m controlling bc of how I react to things) and I know I am toxic and have been for years bc of my ocd , but not because I’m a bad or heartless person. I’m just extremely overly sensitive and get offended and triggered by everything which causes ocd to spike. how to control myself with my obsessions of my insecurities without being “toxic” ? I don’t want to keep ruining a 5 year rel even more ? (please be kind?)

I've talked about real life ocd before but not in detail and I really need to get this off my chest. I've been obsessing over this for 8 years, maybe longer. I was about 10 or so, and had watched some adult films I saw online. I was very curious with my sexuality at that age, I'm not sure why, but I think that's why I did what I did. Me and my younger sister would "play doctor" with each other, where each person would look at the other's genital and laugh about funny they looked. This happened a few times, we never touched each other except once, when I was curious I told her to guess which body part of me she was touching and put her hand on my breast, stomach, arm etc but not my genitals. I think it was innocent, and I think I saw it on an adult film so I thought it was normal, but I feel terrible about it because I put her hand there, and I did it again while she was sleeping because I thought it was funny or something. I feel absolutely terrible about all of this, and have even confessed what happened to my sister, who said that she remembers nothing about these incidents and would like to never talk of it again but I want to keep bringing it up because I need that reassurance that what I did was childhood curiosity, and not that I assaulted her. Did I though? Am I a bad person because of this? Could I go to jail for this?

I need some advice. Not really trying to seek out reassurance but I am trying to see how to go about this. My biggest theme has always been ROCD and it has been like this for about 5 months. I have always had trust issues because the guy I used to see would hang out with my best friend when I was out of town. So back in December I went to my home country and my boyfriend stayed home so I didn’t see him for about 20 days... before that my family took another trip for about 8 days so I only got to see him for 15 days before I had to travel again. This is truly when my ROCD got extreme and I didn’t even know it was OCD but I know now. We got to my home town and everything was fine but I found myself being scared to look at any other guy because I was so so scared to think someone else is better than my bf or even worse I would cheat on my boyfriend (I have never done it and I find it repulsive) so I would avoid any guy possible. My family hung out with my cousins and one of them had a bf so he went everywhere with us. I started here that I was super scared I was gonna like him more than my bf I was scared to even talk to him at this point and I started obsessing about my actions and started thinking back on every little thing I did in order to reassure myself that I hadn’t done anything bad such as look at him or even think he was a good bf to my cousin. I was scared I was going to have a crush or a connection with him. Mind you I have known him since before and these thoughts never came to my head he is such a nice guy but I never thought of this. So one day I started obsessing even more and we were all at a family reunion and at this point I was walking next to him and I try keeping my distance because my thoughts were non stop and I remember thinking “what if I touch his hand” and so I started obsessing about this so I just started imagining my bf with me right next to me and how nice it would be to have him with me. And so after we stopped walking and started doing our own thing I started second guessing myself where I would reassure myself that I didn’t touch his hand but what if I did touch his hand or what if our arms even rubbed?? I was just freaking out about everything and those things passed until right now. My mind is telling me I grabbed his hand and held it and I know it isn’t true but what if it is true?? I want to confess this to my bf but that would make things worse. What if I cheated on him? And when my mind rationalizes that I didn’t touch his hand my thoughts shift to “you’re going to live with the thought that you took your bf for granted”, “ you’re gonna live knowing that you don’t truly love your bf” “you are going to keep moving forward even though you felt a connection and had a crush on someone else”, “what if you were subconsciously thinking about that other boy instead of your bf” (when quite frankly I know this is false because I have come across that boy in my head about two times and once was because my cousin posted a picture with him) “What if you are lying to yourself and you did touch his hand” “you are going to live knowing what you did”. Let me just tell you this has eaten me up inside and it has left me absolutely devastated. I don’t know what to do or how to come about this and any tips would be so helpful. I feel like OCD only targets my relationship because he is so important to me and I value him more than anything in life so the thought of losing him makes me sick inside. And all of this bad thinking and what if’s have not been helpful whatsoever.

Struggling today. My first ROCD turned into HOCD (sexual orientation ocd) and then now is both. Both of these themes were very hard, and especially with ROCD because I hadn’t experienced it before, I was crying everyday. Now I just feel numb. I get thoughts, but feel they aren’t intrusive and feel guilty about them. I’m trying to see the future, and imagining us getting married (which used to make me so happy) but now I just feel guilt and full of doubt, which makes me feel even more guilty. I just wanna go back to normal. I’m so tired of this cycle. Anyone going through something similar?

Is it a symptom of ocd that I am rigid as far as morals are concerned and I find it extremely difficult to understand,accept and love unconditionally someone when they have committed immoral acts and have not regretted it, instead they say they did nothing wrong?I find myself often thinking about morals and immorality and it is really difficult for me to forgive and love when someone has not repented.Is it a symptom of ocd ?

How in the name of god do I make my mind stop racing and ruminating? First I get anxious that my increased Prozac will activate unbearable anxiety, and now I’m worried it’s interrupting my REM sleep and impacting my sleep cycle and causing excessive daytime sleepiness. So out of a minor panic I have booked a video appointment with my neurologist who’s the one that told me Prozac could be messing with my REM sleep. My psychiatrist told me not to reach out to him unless it’s a life threatening emergency. I feel like I’m going crazy and I can’t stop the thoughts, anxiety, or neutralizing behaviors.

I don’t know if this is HOCD or just questioning my sexuality but here I go. This may be a lil TMI!! I’ve always had crushes on guys. I like guys, if I’m impressing someone it’d be a guy, and overall I imagine myself marrying a guy. I prefer the idea of having sex with one too. But then the thing is, I genuinely do get aroused by boobs and I always sorta have. But I don’t really see the appeal with the rest of a woman sexually. Like I said, I’d prefer to have sex with a man! So what does this mean? Am I bi? Or just straight... with a thing for boobs? I used to wonder if it was because they were so sexualised to me as a kid and even now. But I also should note that it’s mostly just big boobs or fake boobs. Plus, watching porn I tend to go for videos with women with big boobs. Anyways, I feel awkward having typed all that so please don’t judge. I’m anxious but not ANXIOUS anxious. Just wondering :D

I’ve struggled with this for a while and being in quarantine is only making it worse. I’ve had this specific fetish or kink for as long as I can remember. I know it’s weird and I wish I didn’t have it, but I’ve come to accept it. I have this thing about watching videos of women giving birth. I know this sounds disgusting and it killed me for years. Sometimes I’ll only watch ones from tv shows or movies because it’s fake. I sometimes feel guilty watching ones when a real person is in pain. I like the ones that are very painful. (Again, I know this makes me sound so strange. I would do anything to give it up.) One day, it occurred to me that a child giving birth would be even more painful and the idea of a bigger reaction is something I like. I still remember this realization like it was yesterday even though it happened over a year ago. I feel so disgusting and like a pedophile. I’m not looking for reassurance. I just don’t understand if this is more of an issue with sexuality and OCD is abusing the realization I had. Even though I had this realization that a child would give a bigger reaction, it has NEVER been something I want to look into more or try to find stories or videos (if they even exist?) It was a quick realization and it’s haunted me ever since. Advice would be appreciated. Again, not looking for reassurance. Just struggling with trying to identify where the issue lays because the initial realization was not really an intrusive thought. Thank you for reading all of this and I hope you are all healthy and well.

i just has a thought that i would like to share... i think that a lot of teens could be going through HOCD in this day and age because there is so much about the LGBTQ community in the media (not like that’s a bad thing btw) back in the day, like maybe the 90s, HOCD was categorised as “fear of being gay” not “fear of being bi” i think a lot of us teens have a fear of being bi because that is seen as a valid sexuality but back in the day i don’t think it was. it was either all or nothing. being gay used to be seen as such a taboo so back then if you were to tell anyone you were getting intrusive thoughts about being gay it would be seen as ghastly and horrible. but now you tell someone who doesn’t get the nature of Pure O and they’d say “oMg iTs 2020 aCcEpT yOuRsElF, gEt WiTh ThE tImEs” which makes it harder for us teens to get through this. i also had a thought that depending on whether you’re a girl or guy, HOCD is difficult in different ways most straight girls watch lesbian porn cus it focuses on female pleasure - HOCD manipulates that i’ve seen tweets saying shit like “how are women even straight have you see a woman naked?” - like sis....really? i’ve seen articles saying women are never straight either bi or lesbian- ....anyways.... - being a straight girl going through HOCD, seeing all that is difficult and not only this but HOCD is focused heavily on straight men and it really pisses me off. all the books i’ve real on HOCD all talk about men specifically and their groinal responses and it’s like...what about me? for guys: the groinal response is more noticeable that’s the biggest struggle i could think of for guys since i don’t know what you guys go through exactly i’ve been told by people that i give of a bisexual vibe because i’m quirky....i literally don’t even know at this point, i could breathe and someone would be like “oMg YoUrE sO bIsExUaL” (ง'̀-'́)ง i kinda want HOCD to be spoken about more cus i feel like it’s one of those OCD subcategories that aren’t really deemed as that important since being gay isn’t a taboo anymore. i feel this way too with ROCD these have just been my thoughts, agree or not idc i just wanted to express my feelings ( ˘ ³˘)♥

this is my first relationship so a lot of things are new to me. i haven’t seen my boyfriend since quarantine started so i just had a question for y’all out there that are in relationships: does distance sometimes take a toll on relationships? like is that normal? it’s not that we’re fighting or anything but he’s going through a tough time and so am i (obviously lol)

Hey my Christian/Catholic friends or anyone who wants to read this, if you’re going through a hard time during this pandemic remember our creator and our savior, Jesus Christ, is with us all the time. Use this time we are getting to pray to him for forgiveness and protection. I’m struggling with Harm OCD and Religious OCD, it’s really hard to pray with those intrusive thoughts coming in and out but I gotta stay strong. You’re loved, even if you don’t feel like you are or even if your thoughts say otherwise. Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay home. Oh and tomorrow is Easter! Even though we can’t go to church we can still listen to worship music :)

Suicidal OCD or Suicidal Ideation? I feel like I’m not going to survive for long. I feel like the anxiety and pain is going to overwhelm me and that at some point, I will get mad and take my own life without hesitance. I’m always anxious and I like to stay in my bed most of the day without doing anything at all. I always want to talk to the closest people to me and share these thoughts so that they could give me reassurance that I won’t do anything to myself. Sometimes, I get the urge and start feeling that I’m about to do it right away and that something is completely wrong with me. I feel like nobody understands me but ever since I’ve began research, I can relate to alot of the symptoms of self-harm/suicidal OCD. I can’t feel interest in the things I’m doing because there is this constant anxiety and pressure that doesn’t go away. I don’t think I’m going to stay alive for long and I keep praying that I don’t take my own life away or that anything saves me from this.

I have sexual orientation ocd but i am genuinely a lesbian and my ocd centers around me worrying about being straight/ attracted to men. Is there anyone else here like that?? Should I even post in this topic?? I don’t want to trigger anybody but this obsession causes a lot of problems in my life and I know that within the lgbt community, this sort of self doubt is common even among those who don’t have ocd at all.

About this time last year my partner was out on a night out and didn’t come home till late. I was worried so rang him multiple times and no answer. About half an hour after I stopped calling he rang and was super apologetic. He was drunk with friends and they’d decided to smoke some weed (he’s not usually a big smoker) and he said he was just really high and had t noticed his phone. He then came straight home. The next day he said he felt really bad because he knew I was worried about him - after he apologised we resolved it and forgot about it. A few months later I had a huge ocd spike where I thought he was cheating on me / into someone else. It was triggered by a rough patch and him having a new friend he took to a party - which I thought meant he liked her- but actually there was meant to be more of them and she has a bf she has just moved in with and seems very loved up. It almost cost us the relationship, as I became so obsessed I would question everything and he couldn’t handle the constant questioning. He proclaims his innocence and has spoken with my therapist. I saw the texts with his friend and they were very platonic. On a side note, at the same time I decided to confide in him something that upset him a lot. He chose to forgive me from keeping it from him. But this added another layer to the issues as my ocd says he won’t tell you the truth because you didn’t tell him. What if he wants to hurt you back or thinks you don’t deserve to know the real truth after what you’ve done. Now my ocd will pick up on random stuff, recently I keep thinking about that night he didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t understand how he could miss all those calls, if I ask now he gets annoyed and upset. He said his phone was on silent and he told me he was very drunk and high and came home afterwards. I know it’s my ocd but I was cheated on in the past and I’m so terrified that I’ll believe someone again and it’ll all turn out to be a lie. I’m so scared how I could ever trust my instinct if that happened to me again. My bf is trying to help me overcome those theme but because it directly attacks him he’s found it hard. He says it’s okay to questions things I’m worried about and it’s okay to ask if things seem weird or I’m uncomfortable but the obsessive questioning has to stop. He said he’s given me answers, they’re not going to change and I should make a decision. It’s so hard to know what’s something I should be concerned about and what isn’t. I don’t even know what theme this would be, rocd? Paranoia? But it’s so intense, I find it so hard not to burst into tears if I can’t ask questions and I can’t see clearly what’s normal and what’s not.

Looking for some feedback on experiences people have had using Paxil for OCD? Did u experience many side effects at the beginning? If so, for how long? I’ve heard it’s one of the worst SSRI’s for weight gain has anyone else experienced this?

I’ve had hocd for a while now ... I feel like I’ve completely lost interest in the opposite gender.

Hi All, I hope this doesn’t sound too pathetic what I’m about to say. So my current psychiatrist is a brilliant doctor and he’s been my provider for 6 months now. Throughout those 6 months, we’ve been through a lot together emotionally and medically. He was basically my rock or crutch for lack of a better word. I was heavily leaning on him for mental and emotional support. Sometimes we were on the phone having long conversations several times a week and out of the kindness of his heart he did not bill me for any of that extra time. The communication between us have simmered down since earlier this year, but yesterday during our session he concluded by saying point blank that I’m not to reach out to him unless it’s an immediate life-threatening emergency. I knew this was eventually going to happen cause he’s my doctor, not my dad (although I think subconsciously I have created him into a sort of father figure). But hearing him put it so bluntly like that hit like a bag of bricks and I’ve been super depressed since last night. I’ve been acting out sexually and I had been doing good the last few days with that. I feel like I have lost a life line that I was totally dependent on. And now that we increased my Prozac again, I’m worried that the Prozac will increase my anxiety and technically that’s not a life threatening emergency so I can’t reach out to him, even if the anxiety is unbearable, which it was last time we tried increasing my Prozac. So I’m not sure how to effectively cope with this. My mood has been just awful since yesterday. I’m just tired of feeling depressed and I wish I wasn’t so emotionally dependent on other people to make me feel happy and secure with myself. I’m not asking for any type of reassurance, disproval of my anxiety or for someone to tell me what to do. I just want some support and if anybody maybe has some suggestions for coping skills and strategies for this particular situation I’d greatly appreciate it. I’ve already tried the following: •Going on a walk. •Listening to Music •Listening to lectures from some online courses I signed up for. •Attending a 12-step meeting via the phone I still might try either reading a book or meditating. But I feel that these distractions won’t make the emotional pain I feel go away. What I need is to figure out how to deal with this feeling of rejection from my psychiatrist that I’m feeling. I know he didn’t mean it come across that way. I know my thinking is incredibly distorted. But I’m just not sure how to cope with these emotions and feelings. Thank you and sorry this post is so long.

Anybody else’s ocd get so complicated that you can’t even comprehend the thoughts in your own head, don’t mind trying to explain it to a therapist

I've been wanting a job for a while now but have bad social anxiety. A job called back and I'm so nervous even though I need the money. Anybody with social anxiety relate? What do you do to calm yourself down?

I just need to speak up about something. I am scared. I am scared that one day there’s a chance that I may leave my boyfriend/ husband because I realize I am gay or bisexual. The thought of this makes my throat tighten. That would change my whole plans and it is so heart breaking to me. And for some reason my brain goes “but maybe then you will be also happy with someone else” like wtf no I don’t want that I do not want that at all and I don’t know why my brain is trying to rationalize something that I don’t want because when there’s something that I do want my brain just turns it into a bad thing. I am scared that this is a possibility,, my brain is filled with “what if’s” and these what if’s just make me even more anxious and it makes me so entirely sad I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want to be bi. I want to be me and I feel like I will lose my identity because that is not who I am. But my brain keeps trying to tell me “well you aren’t these things because you’ve never given it a chance“ maybe because I am attracted to men??? Like why isn’t this enough? And I feel like every type of OCD theme I have had is something that in the end hurts my boyfriend and maybe it has targeted him because he is so important to me and I care for him so much. It’s just crazy and I don’t like it at all. And I feel like I keep torturing myself with these thoughts instead of living a happy life like I used to