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working to conquer OCD
I’m so tired of hocd bro I wonder what would happen if I experimented with a girl ( I have a bf I love him so much ) and I don’t wanna go that far just to know my sexuality but I honestly can’t take this anymore . Am I just in denial please help .
I’m in a call with a friend right now and I just feel so unsafe. Like something bad will happen to me because it always does. And I want to cry and breakdown but I can’t because my friend is on the phone with me. I’m just terrified and I feel so alone with this. I feel like I’m lying. I feel like an imposter. I’m scared that I’m not innocent and I’m paranoid as all hell and it won’t go away. I try to distract myself, tell myself it’s just thoughts, but then I get things recommended to me on YouTube about certain subjects and I just get triggered again. I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this either because my friends don’t understand. I feel like a burden. And I’m scared. My appointment isn’t until the 23rd and even then I don’t know if this therapist will know about ocd at all. I’m so scared I just miss how things used to be. I’m freaking out and it won’t stop. I’m scared I’m gonna get in trouble somehow someway. I’m scared of hurting people. I’m scared of being a bad person. I’m scared of my career being ruined. I’m scared of my life not having any meaning other than harming others. because between OCD and BPD that’s all it feels like. It feels like that’s my only purpose in life is to be bad. I’ve slowly begun learning that everyone makes mistakes and that a lot of us are so just grey. But because of everything in my life Especially with trauma and my crippling loneliness physically? And how people slowly leave me either through sickness and death or just can’t deal with my mentally ill brain anymore they all just leave. I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to go back in time to my childhood when things were ok again. I used to never have these horrible thoughts. Never. Then one day I did and it hasn’t ended since. I mean I’ve always had ocd. I used to get terrifying visual and textual thoughts In my head of harming people physically (I still can’t touch knives. It’s incredibly hard to be near them) but once something happened in my teen years and ever since then the pocd thoughts started and never went away. I’m constantly plagued by every single subtype of ocd and it drives me insane. One minute I’ll cry about pocd next I’ll cry about health ocd next it’ll be harm ocd. Last year the entire year I thought I was dying from cancer bc I kept having weird symptoms and my grandmother died from cancer and I literally cared for her up until her death bed and it was *traumatizing*. I am TRAUMATIZED from the 6 years of having to had take care of another human being with dementia. And now my mom has Alzheimer’s and it’s just happening all over again. I’ve also been scared because my memory is *so* bad and I mean BAD that I’m scared I’m gonna get dementia or Alzheimer’s like my grandma and mom. I’m scared I’m gonna get cancer like my grandma (and it’s possible in my future because I already have issues with my uterus with months long periods sometimes and my gyn said I might have the gene for ovarian cancer which is what my grandma died from) and I just?? I can’t do it. My future is planned out for me no matter how I look at it. Something bad will happen to me no matter what. I always just wanted to be a famous artist but even then I don’t think I can do that because I’m terrified I’m living a lie and deep down people will find deep dark secrets about me and say I’m this horrible person. Ok rant over.
I have an appointment with a therapist next week but it isn’t any specialized therapist so I’m just really hoping she knows about Ocd and subtypes of it. I feel I’m going insane. I’m paranoid as all hell and my YouTube recommended videos are triggering me and I’m scared people can see what I talk about or something and that’s why my YouTube recs are the way they are and my pocd is being triggered by them. I just want it all to go away.
Pedophile OCD is completely destroying my life or if I think it's that but if I had to say one image it would be this experience. I am 15 years old and as a teen I feel well I'm aware my hormones are all over the place. Recently I developed an obsession over reporting "MAPs" (as they call themselves on Twitter "Minor Attracted Person") because I'm a minor (15) and I want them all gone. I freaking hate them. Then after a while I was on a trip and freaked out over thinking a kid my brain might have thought he was cute because I don't knoe maybe for a split second I thought he looked older but then he stood up and I saw he was like seven and I knew I *definitely* didn't like him. I still was really conflicted over the fact that at first I did and was starting to freak out about this PRETTY HARD which ended up on me spending the whole trip worrying about if I could be a pedophile and it felt very real and I might have unconsiously liked him. This really really made me want to kill myself. I kept on freaking out about kids but always would calm down and see them normally I did stop reporting maps on Twitter because it was affecting me. I am aware I'm very sensitive so there's that too. I did went back to it after a while and saw something very disturbing. It was actually CP but I still went and reported it and scroll through it and I hated it. It was horrible. I forced myself to watch to be sure I didn't like any of that and there was one that grossed me out by and everything because it was like a really small girl and it broke my heart. But then a couple days pass and I was fantasizing about my boyfriend half asleep and the thought of being the guy in the video of that girl came up to my mind and I was half asleep so I only half realized it It was still the same speed I was imagining my boyfriend in and the image of the girl came and I half knew it (or I would had stopped the thought right there) was there and I thought about the size and the softness of the girl while in the disgusting fantasy and I felt turned on by it BUT I couldn't see her face and the "image" was very blurry so I don't know if it's PTSD from what I saw (which it has heavily affected me) or what because I think I might had related those specific characteristics as to stuff (like hentai, not lolis just they normally look smaller and they're soft I've always enjoyed tummy and like imagining my boyfriend's) I would jack off to and if I think about it that way it's still hot but when I remember the EXACT image I saw I'm just horrified again. And it's making me feel like a monster. Though if I think of the mix weird vision I think I still find it hot, it was very surreal and I'm a very horny teenager so I am losing my mind. My boyfriend has told me that at this age we just want to have sex with anything and everything and that soft and small = is something the teenage brain teen brain will want to have sex with. But I find this so abhorrent and I wouldn't even want to touch a child so I don't know what is going on. I can't think about anything else other than this. I also talked to my mom about it and she told me it's normal because I was fooled by this since it was something abhorrent yet presented to me in a sexual way related to stuff I find attractive and that I like soft and small stuff still because I'm still soft and even if I'm a 15yo my mind is still developing so???? Please, please I need to know if I'm normal. I'm about to turn 16 and I could be diagnosed with this horrible thing. I'm going to lose my mind. Please someone help me.
OK u have a problem like I have a thought and it was confused like I didn't know what was that and after I realized it was normal and I say like oh so this I can enjoy, so I don't enjoy the other ones just because the are wrong? And if I could I would enjoy them?
Can you have BPD and OCD at the same time
I just read an article from a bisexual person saying it’s very odd to be straight in 2020 because everyone tries different things. Now I feel like I’m strange and my hocd tells me that all my thoughts are true.
I used to see a lot of stuff online that said stuff along the lines of ‘you are not your thoughts, you have to differentiate OCD/intrusive thoughts from your values/beliefs/gut instincts’ (and this was reassurance to me sort of saying I wasn’t questioning my sexuality it was just OCD putting more value on random stuff) but I’ve also seen a lot that says it’s a compulsion/self reassurance to say to yourself ‘it’s only OCD’ when you get an intrusive thought. So I’m confused as to whether I should just be accepting uncertainty and shrugging at my intrusive thoughts and not saying ‘oh it’s ocd’ , but then that also makes me think well if I’m not sure whether it’s ocd then maybe my thoughts do have meaning? Does that make any sense? Would appreciate some help as to what mindset will help me heal the most going forward.
I dont understand. I try not to react to the thoughts, groinal responses and yet still they happen. How am I not meant to doubt myself And not believe that these thoughts are real when I'm not even fighting back and nothings improving
I imagine myself with my partner doing lovey dovey stuff and idk why I become so anxious and feel like hesitant. Is this normal what the feiwkbdhdshd
What are the best ways to stay in the present?I’m none stop ruminating on the past and future. :)
I keep forcing myself to think of my real event ocd and the incident that happened all those years ago but I feel like thinking about it just makes me more depressed and angry and I can barely be around the person it's centered on anymore. I want to cry. Why can't I convince myself what I did was the acts of a child? Not me, as an adult, but a child who had no idea what they were doing was bad. I know that's what it is, I know I'm not a criminal, or sex offender, but then why can't I forget it? I feel like telling the whole world just so they can yell in my face how stupid I am, how I really am a criminal, or how I'm innocent. I dont care. I need to know from everyone because why do I get to make the distinction between right and wrong?? I'm losing my head over this.
OCD is the “doubting disorder”. That’s why we can’t count on “outthinking” our OCD for relief. No matter how strong your logic or rationale, OCD will find a way to undermine you every time. That road ends where it starts. That’s why the behavioral component of OCD treatment (Exposure and Response Therapy) is the gold standard for OCD. It forces you to face your fears and habituate to them, which can result in less compulsions and subsequently less OCD symptoms (aka relief!). I know it seems counterintuitive that facing you’re OCD thoughts will make them decrease in severity/frequency. I also know that sounds scary as hell. But would you rather be in pain from running away from them or be in pain from standing up for yourself?
if you don’t understand HOCD (sexual orientation ocd) , don’t comment something under someone’s post please... it doesn’t help it makes it worse. don’t tell them “just be who you are it’s not that bad it’s 2020” literally stop. don’t do that shit please ?
I'm so sick and tired of being in misery everyday my theme is in everything and ruins everyday for me. It is like a cold that nevers goes away and no matter how hard you try you can't ever get rid of it.
How do you know when you’re ready to get off your medication?
Does anyone else have OCD where it's like thoughts that the OCD is telling you to believe? For example... sometimes when I walk into my bathroom my mind is like "there's gonna be a dead body hanging in your shower" and I imagine it and brace myself for it before I go. This stuff makes me so miserable. How do i stop this? On top of that I have depersonalization and derealization. All of it mixed together makes me think im in psychosis. Im scared.
I’ll be honest. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need professional help and no where I find that handles OCD takes insurance. I called an ocd place in my state and they don’t take insurance, they recommended NOCD to me. Which I replied oh I’ve already been using NOCD. I am so tired of my POCD. I ended up doing some “things” today but then all these disgusting vile intrusive thoughts flooded into my brain and it was visual as all hell because my brain is too visual. It’s literally a curse at this point. Thoughts included friends and family and even I’m sure you can guess it I say POCD thoughts were included in the friends and family section. Which makes me feel like I’m a vile evil person who’s lying to everyone they know. I ended up scratching my face a bunch when the thoughts came because I was SO disgusted. And all day I’ve felt sick and just have been excessively blinking over and over, squeezing my eyes shut. I have been GAGGING in DISGUST every time a thought popped into my head today. What is WRONG with me? I don’t know anymore. My OCD is just taking such a toll on me and I’ve been terrible with taking my meds. I need professional help from someone who knows what the hell ocd is. And no one in my state takes insurance. I don’t have that kind of money. Idk. I am so Tired. All I’ve Been able to do all day is play animal crossing and sleep.
What does it mean when people say “you don’t have to do something to get love?” Surely you do have to? How else do you get people to love you? I don’t understand. Maybe love just doesn’t exist? Or if it does, it’s not for a long time? Unless it’s from your mother in which case it is lifelong
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OCD doesn't have to
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