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It just feels like I like it I want help and to get better so bad I can't fuck I just want to be normal and not worry all the time

This place really is gonna just be a place for me to express everything wow. Looking back now i see how fucked my thinking was and i feel like a lot of that stemmed from insecurity. I remember seeing some of my friends and in my head i would pick them apart thinking that they didn’t look pretty or that there clothes weren’t cute and stuff like that and i don’t think i even realized that thinking those things about your own friends is wrong and i was bringing them down to make myself feel better. If anything i’m the ugly one because they are all so genuine to me and nice but here i am thinking these things behind their backs. Like my one friend is literally pretty but i remember one day she wasn’t dressed that cute and in my head i was like yeah she’s not even pretty i don’t know why people think that and that’s so mean and wrong. I feel like i only thought that to make myself feel better. Or the other day i was watching a tik tok where they were saying they didn’t find any of their friends ugly and in the vid they said to think about it and i thought about it and one friend popped into my mind. She’s one of my closest friends and is the full package she is pretty, has a great personality, and is smart, yet i still thought of her. And it still felt like in my head i was just thinking i’m prettier than her even though i feel ugly all the time. And i just feel so bad that i’m thinking so negatively about others when they only think and say nice things about me. I feel so fake. I genuinely love my friends but it just feels like i think subconsciously i’m better than them when in reality it’s probably the other way around. Like i want to change this thinking but it literally feels ingrained in my mind. Like i know it’s wrong but it’ll still be the first thing i think. I just want to be normal and not compare myself and bring others down. So now i’m questioning myself if i even really do think my friend is pretty, i was looking at her pictures and things and telling myself that she literally isn’t ugly but my mind is still thinking oh you’re prettier. LIKE WTF. I wish you guys could see inside my brain so i could explain this better :/ but as you can tell i’m a 0/10 friend. Is it bad for me to think i’m prettier than her? I feel like it is. And i know looks don’t even matter but i’m only asking cause that’s what it seems like this stems from. Like do i think i’m prettier than her because were the same ethnicity and i have more of the “conventional” beauty standards like a small nose and small eyes and is this just me thinking westernized features are the standard of beauty. Like we were at a party and there was this really cute guy and she ended up being with him the whole night and i feel like in the back of my mind i was surprised he chose her and not me but that’s so fucked cause i’m literally nothing special why do i think i’m better i literally hate this so much i wish i could just go brain dead. Me and this friend used to be the “ugly” ones in our friend group and i had a little glo up and started getting more recognition, and it wasn’t until this year really that she started talking to guys so maybe i feel threatened? i don’t know. basically i’m just an insecure bitch that can’t be happy for her friends and needs the spotlight or to be chosen by others to feel satisfied and good about myself, and feel the need to bring others down to justify and make myself feel better and i can’t accept others are better than me even though i don’t even like myself as a person.

Something triggered my anxiety. I did the breathing and for some reason I was having a hard time with this. Even doing something else to take my mind off of it and stop ruminating didn't work. I passed out from exhaustion. Woke up and my anxiety just picked up where it left off. I've tried mindfulness and grounding. What do you do that helps when this happens?

My OCD that I am a bad person, a racist, a homophobe, etc. is ruining my life because literally EVERYTHING is a trigger. This has been a hard quarantine because I am unable to escape my thoughts.

Being GAY STRAIGHT BI LESBIAN IS NOT A CHOICE

Sexual orientation ocd Hey guys I was wondering if u might of had contact with a person that made u uncomfortable and created a grinoal response from it I’m gay and I need reassurance of this problem

I am so tired of HOCD. I feel like I’m actually my thoughts and it’s exhausting and scary and I can’t take it anymore and I feel like just crying because it makes me so sad. I want to be straight... I am happy being straight and I don’t understand why that’s not enough because anything I do turns into another excuse/ proof as to why I like girls and I’m sick of it. I don’t know what to do

I’m still having a hard time with my OCD and bad things I have actually done. When I was younger, I lied about a lot of life situations and I know I did this. I don’t know why, if it was because I wanted attention or if I wanted a distraction from what was going on in my own life. Recently I’ve been dwelling more and more of these past actions. I can’t even tell myself it’s OCD making them worse because they are bad but then the OCD kicks in and it makes me feel like my world is just going to be over tomorrow. Please. Any suggestions or anything really would be a great help.

I’m not doing good today. I’m obsessing about past things from teen years again. That leads to my POCD bothering me. Which leads to confessing. Then I get paranoid that people who I’ve confessed to secretly think I’m disgusting and will call me out. Now I’m crying my eyes out because my dad came in and gave me my dogs paw print. He passed away 2 weeks ago today. The intrusive thoughts picturing him being put down and his body and just existential fears than get to me. No matter what I do I either feel like a bad person or I’m struck with grief from past traumas of people and loved ones dying. I just want it to end. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to deal with anymore bad things in my life anymore. I’m breaking down today and I feel incredibly alone and paranoid today and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m trying to listen to an audiobook a psychologist o spoke to recommended me about intrusive thoughts but then my brain goes to “well they aren’t exactly just any intrusive thoughts. These are real things that happened and they were bad” so then I just feel like shit anyways. I’m depressed. I’m scared. I’m paranoid. And I always feel unsafe like something bad will happen. I just hate this. I want it to stop.

Real event themes mixed with pocd bothering me and I wanna confess every time but I’m just like. I’m upset. With my life. This post doesn’t even make sense I’m just anxious and I really hate myself rn and I’m really scared.

Does anyone get the thought of what if I never recover while you are doing really good in recovery??can’t just be me

I have always had crushes on girls and felt a strong romantic attraction for them. Before HOCD, i remember feeling like i was on cloud 9 anytime a girl told me she liked me and I would always fantasize about girls in class. When i began to masturbate, I found myself more consistently masturbating to gay porn, almost always. I would still get aroused by girls at school and flirting with girls came easy to me, i truly enjoyed it so much. I can be aroused by straight porn or women models, but anytime gay porn comes into the picture i feel like i am going to cum faster. I never really thought much about what it meant, till HOCD came. Now, I have lost my attraction to women but the feeling gay porn gives me is still there. If i were to be bisexual i wouldn’t care, because I would still be able to have girlfriends and have that emotional and sexual connection to women. unfortunate HOCD has taken all this away from me, and i fear more and more that my attraction to women was false and caused by social conditioning. can anyone relate?

TW - s*lf-h*rm Alongside my OCD, I've also struggled with depression and anxiety over the years - I used to have a lot of panic attacks in school that slowly developed into more severe pseudo-seizures. In response to my depression or anxiety or both I turned to self-harm and, a few years later, I have about 300 scars across both of my forearms (which have been clear for about 18 months) and probably nearly 100 more recent ones on my stomach. As I worked through my depression and general anxiety with therapy and medication I gradually stopped turning to self-harm as a coping mechanism for those because I developed more positive coping techniques and realised that self-harm didn't actually improve my mood when I was depressed or anxious and that there were more positive distraction techniques instead. However, my OCD is now making staying clean from c*tting impossible. It's always played a big part in my self-harm - I have to cut a "good" number of times before I'm allowed to stop; most of the time this is 10 times, but if it's on half of my body I have to cut more on the other side so it's symmetrical. I'll also have to cut "deep enough" that my brain feels "right" - if there isn't enough blood I have to go over the same wound again because I can't leave one not looking "right". I know how absolutely screwed up that sounds but knowing things logically doesn't shut my brain up at all. As well as this, I'll have intrusive thoughts and obsess about cutting until I do it. Most of the time this is at night, and if that thought crosses my mind it's so so difficult to go to bed without doing it because it's all I'll think about - this voice in my head just telling me over and over that I need to cut myself. Sometimes it will serve as a compulsion in the sense of, "If I cut myself now then my friends will stay safe" or "Mum's going to die if you don't cut yourself". I'm so terrified of these outcomes that I'll do anything to stop them from happening - however illogical it seems. The fact that it's so difficult for me to stay clean from self-harm makes me worry that I'm addicted to it and I really don't know what to do.

I struggle with fears that I may have significantly harmed someone in my past. I realize that while that may be true, I’m also harming myself right now by compulsing, and ultimately I have to learn to love myself enough to forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and move on. Has anyone struggled with something similar and how did you get to the point where you forgive yourself for possible indiscretions?

I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.

I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.

I already know no one is gonna relate to this but i need to get it off my chest and it’s gonna be a long one.I had this bladder issue where i felt like i had to pee literally all the time like even when i was in the shower and i felt like i would literally pee myself in the time that i went from the shower to my room to change into clothes. I’m pretty sure it was just a mental thing because i psyched myself out thinking that i had to pee so i just always had the feeling that i did. My mind wouldn’t allow me to differentiate if it was water from getting out of the shower or if i had peed and i just didn’t know and i couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. the only way that made me feel secure getting out of the shower would be to put a shirt or some sort of cloth in between my legs on my private area to absorb anything just incase and overtime that just became what i now know is a compulsion that literally went on for years. luckily about 9 months ago i got to see that by literally one day getting out of the shower and realizing that my mind was just telling me i had to pee/giving me that sensation or that i would pee myself but i was actually fine. What i feel guilty about is that i would use any cloth that i could find usually my clothing but since i did this every time i showered i eventually ran out of things to use till i did laundry or something. That resulted in me using a like a pillowcase or something or shirt that i borrowed from a friend or my sister. I feel so guilty about this because although i did wash everything it just bothers me that i used something that belonged to someone else or something someone else would use. sorry i feel like i need to go into detail to get this off my chest but because i would be coming out of the shower whatever thing i used would sometimes end up completely wet and i would just throw it into my laundry bin and because i was kind of depressed at the time i didn’t end up doing my laundry for a realllly long time i just allowed it to pile up so now i’m just thinking that i allowed bacteria to just grow because the clothes were just wet sitting there. i literately could’ve just used a paper towel instead or ANYTHING ELSE other than their clothes. Of course when i gave the shirt back or if me or a family member used the item it was then clean but now i feel guilty that i did that. Like i know my sister still has the shirts that i used and it just bothers me she doesn’t know it’s backstory i guess even though they are now clean it doesn’t sit right with me that i ever did that. I feel like at the time i was just doing what i felt like i had to do because i really didn’t know what was wrong with me and i was going through it all by myself like i did t talk about anything with anyone so i just came up with these solutions and i just really didn’t know what to do. But stil literally wtf because at the time it made sense because i felt like i had no other choice but looking back now i could’ve handled the situation completely different and it’s so upsetting. I know this is such an odd situation but i’ve always kept this to myself for that specific reason but my guilt has been eating away at me because up until recently i didn’t know i had ocd so i didn’t understand what that even was or what compulsions even were so now every odd thing i’ve ever done is all hitting me at once. I hope you guys don’t think i’m crazy. I managed to throw away most of the clothes that i used because honestly it just reminds me of a time that i don’t want to remember and it made me uncomfortable to wear so imagine how those who still have the clothes i used would feel. I feel like i have so many odd situations like this that i’ve done in the past that i no longer do but it’s just eating away at me cause i’m disgusted i ever did those things. It feels like i’m lying to people about who i am even though that’s not me anymore or that people only like me now because if they knew about all the weird things i had done they would be so thrown off. I know i should’ve opened up to someone originally when things started but i didn’t think my bladder issues were normal honestly i thought i was just going crazy and was the only person going through that so i took it upon myself to figure out temporary solutions. I know at heart i’m not a bad person but things i’ve done just make it so hard to move on and even talking about this is hard because it’s something i’ve always handled myself. I feel like because i didn’t know it was ocd i believed every compulsion was genuinely the right thing to do because i didn’t have anyone to put me in check and tell me not to do it.

I am looking for ways to beat my OCD when I need to remain highly focused. My OCD flares when something is highly important and requires seriousness and focus. However, my OCD is very quiet when I do something that I am fully invested in and am actively enjoying - some people call this being in the zone. However, whenever I need to do something that requires immediate and constant focus such as listening to a class, writing an exam or studying... my ocd gets loud. This usually leads to avoidance and procrastination... any advice, suggestions or help on identifying the mechanisms at play here and how to overcome would be GREATLY appreciated. ERP is great but I find I can miss information when I’m trying to do ERP AND trying to focus on a lecturer, simultaneously, for example... there’s gotta be a way...

This is a long post... Okay so, I’ve suffered from intrusive thoughts for the majority of my life. When I was younger I kept thinking the house was going to be on fire or I feared no one liked me so I had to keep getting reassurance from my friends that they liked me. The past few years I’ve had intrusive thoughts telling me that I don’t like this group who I know I’m in love with, I love their music and love their videos, yet my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I don’t really have physical compulsions, but I have mental compulsions of avoidance and I avoided the thoughts for so long up until recently. I’ve learned the past couple of weeks that I need to accept the thoughts which I’ve been trying to do even though it has been hard. Today I’m finding really difficult because my mind wants me to keep avoiding the thoughts no matter how hard I try. It’s so upsetting. It may seem silly and I feel ridiculous because people have worse thoughts than I do, but these thoughts are taking over my life. It’s so frustrating because I just wanna be able to enjoy listening to the group’s music and watching their videos without getting these thoughts. It sounds silly but it’s so upsetting for me because I know I love them, but my thoughts try to convince me otherwise. I keep fearing that I’m doing the wrong thing. I also keep getting thoughts that I won’t get better and I’ll never be able to enjoy my group. It’s awful. I feel so mentally exhausted. I am learning to not avoid the thoughts and not avoid listening to their music or watching their videos, but today I’m just finding it so hard. It’s hard to resist my mental compulsions. I just feel like I’ll never get better. I just wanna cry. I keep wanting to avoid my exposures because I feel so upset even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m feeling so awful today, my head hurts so much.

I call this my `1234 Method` and it works. It's an easy to use anywhere and practical CBT method. The great thing is that it is easy to remember, simple and when followed properly creates a virtuous upward circle where good things start to happen in addition to relieving OCD symptoms ... Understand and apply this rule to your daily life : You only ever consciously experience four sequential stages in your life... 1) Thoughts and Events stage. You have minimal to no control over the thoughts that pop into your head. Likewise you have minimal to no control over external physical events that happen. Thoughts can be images or ideas. Events I refer to here consist in the vast majority of occurrences you find yourself in without actively planning to to be involved in in the first place. At this point it is important to practice `ACCEPTANCE` that you have minimal to no control. This relieves pressure unduly created in one`s mind that you are hyperesponsible for what is happening and what the end result should be. *Note that I will mention in stage 3 and 4 action that should be taken in regards to thoughts and events... Please read stage 2 beforehand. 2) Reaction to Thoughts and Events stage. Following stage 1, you will have an emotive reaction to both these thoughts and events. Everyone lies on a spectrum of emotive reaction. If you suffer from OCD it is likely that you exist on the extreme sensitivity mark where you have a catastrophic emotional reaction to these thoughts and events. Again it is important to understand and ACCEPT you have no control over this. Do not try to control stage 1 or stage 2, only come to clarity that you must accept these awful feelings. Remember this reaction is not normal and has the influential potential to be totally destructive and detrimental to your life if you let it influence the choice you are faced with in the next stage, stage 3. 3) Choice of Behaviour stage. This is the crucial part where you can and will alter your brain chemistry and neural connections in stage 4 for the better. As mentioned earlier you will also enter the virtuous upward and NOT viscous downward spiral. Remember how influential your emotional reactions are in determining your behaviour. You must, regardless of what your emotive reactions tell you to do, choose the following thought and choice process...I am going to BEHAVE in an activity that is beneficial, logical and practical for the physical and mental well-being for myself and others around me. 4) Do the behaviour you have chosen using the above stage statement. Doing this behaviour will start to influence stage 2 and start to drag you back down on the reaction spectrum considerably. This is where behaviour directly modifies the faulty brain chemistry and connections that generate this ridiculous false feeling of dread and fear negatively influencing you to choose the WRONG behaviour . To sum up: 1). Thoughts and Events = No Control = Acceptance 2). Reaction to Thoughts and Events = No Control = Acceptance 3). Choice of Behaviour = You Have Control = Think to yourself always..."What is the most beneficial, practical and logical behaviour that is best for my physical and mental well-being and for others ` physical and mental well-being." 4). Do it. Remember everyone that this is an ILLNESS and nothing more. Always remember in line with the above stages that you are ill and you are the best person to look after yourself. You all deserve happiness no matter you think you have done. Life is cruel but it's beautiful too. Focus on the beauty. You are all beautiful and life is messy...Accept it's messiness and do the best you can. Will H.