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really have whats considered to be ROCD. I was in a relationship with this really amazing guy. Everything was going amazing, I was in love and he showed me how I was supposed to be treated. He did everything right. He would rush to me whenever I felt sad, wanted a hug, and mad. When he found out I had anxiety and panic attacks he researched more about it to help me cope better with it. He would do anything and everything to make me happy, even if that meant letting him go. I recently under went through a really bad spiral of emotions these past two months, kind of when this whole pandemic started as well, and I knew it would effect my mental health but I didn’t know how severely it would until one day me and my boyfriend were fighting and obviously due to so much stress with what’s going on right now we would fight often or I would misinterpret a lot of things that it got to the point where I started remembering my past abusive relationship and started connecting it to my healthy one. It got soo into my head that I started researching if I even loved my boyfriend and I just felt so detached from him and reality and I had such a huge fear of not loving him enough or what if he wasn’t the right person for me or even if I was better off single and I started to feel trapped and I started to realize that us fighting triggered things from my past relationship which then triggered what I think were obsessive thoughts. I would think for like an hour straight and just compare my ex and my bf and in my heart I knew I loved my boyfriend I just couldn’t understand why I kept bringing him up in my head and comparing the two when my ex doesn’t even compare to the man my boyfriend is. I thought in my head that I was hurting him simply because I’m thinking of someone else while being with him and having doubts about him that I got fixated with the idea of breaking up with him. I went over and over and over just thinking I should do it cause it’s what’s best. I had the biggest mental breakdown yesterday because I felt so in my head for so long that I had enough and called it quits with my boyfriend. It’s been a day but I already have such a big weight on my heart and miss him dearly and he knew everything I’ve been thinking and going through which is why I felt it was best to let it go because I didn’t want to hurt him or ruin the relationship with me constantly crying and talking only about me (it got to the point where I was even acting selfish) so for the sake of us getting back together in the future I broke it off thinking that was what’s best and now I know it wasn’t. I called him earlier today and he always tells me that no matter what happens he’s wait for me he told me all he wants is to see me happy and to take as much time as I needed and he understood. We always told each other that regardless of what happened one day we knew we always would go back to each other and once I made that decision it was almost like my ocd calmed down and turned off, I know it’s cause I’m scared of being in a healthy relationship due to my past. He’s a great guy though and I’m scared to lose him.

I’m reading the Book of Luke right now and the intrusive thoughts and feelings I get from it is driving me crazy! I can’t pray because of guilt, now I can’t read the Bible? Worst part is, I feel like God is hearing my thoughts and that is ruining my chance of getting into Heaven :(

my mom said do you wanna stay here or go to walmart, and the first thing i thought of was kids and if there was gonna be any and i didn’t feel guilty ?, am i a monster?i feel like if i’m not guilty from these thoughts, i am a monster and i don’t wanna end up like a nasty pedo ??

Hi everyone. I just wanted you to know how my progress is doing. I've been doing well. Really well, actually. I've been suffering from HOCD since almost a year now and I've been feeling much better. The OCD symthoms have decreased significantly within the last weeks, and although I wouldn't say I'm 100% recovered, this is a huge progress for me. I still get the thoughts, but they don't give me as much anxiety as before and I don't get them 24/7. I feel free and grounded. I'm still learning and trying to get even much better, but I'm really happy overall. Now I can recognize the OCD cycle and stop it easily. I just wanted to thank you all, because without this beautiful community I wouldn't get to where I am now. And just remember, IT GETS BETTER. It really does. You are not alone. One day, you'll get out of this nightmare. And if you fall, you'll rise up again. Thank you very much, for everything❤️. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.

I’m a little confused on accepting uncertainty. If I answer an intrusive thought with “maybe, maybe not”, am I supposed to truly believe what I’m saying? Truly believe that I could REALLY SERIOUSLY do ____? For example, if i get the intrusive thought “I’m going to act out and hurt someone”, am I supposed to say “maybe I will hurt someone” and then continue with the triggering situation? Because I can’t tell if I’m actually putting someone in danger because the thoughts feel real or if it’s false alarms and I need to push through it. Does anyone have any experience in this? I’d like to make sure I’m understanding this right

It just feels like I like it I want help and to get better so bad I can't fuck I just want to be normal and not worry all the time

This place really is gonna just be a place for me to express everything wow. Looking back now i see how fucked my thinking was and i feel like a lot of that stemmed from insecurity. I remember seeing some of my friends and in my head i would pick them apart thinking that they didn’t look pretty or that there clothes weren’t cute and stuff like that and i don’t think i even realized that thinking those things about your own friends is wrong and i was bringing them down to make myself feel better. If anything i’m the ugly one because they are all so genuine to me and nice but here i am thinking these things behind their backs. Like my one friend is literally pretty but i remember one day she wasn’t dressed that cute and in my head i was like yeah she’s not even pretty i don’t know why people think that and that’s so mean and wrong. I feel like i only thought that to make myself feel better. Or the other day i was watching a tik tok where they were saying they didn’t find any of their friends ugly and in the vid they said to think about it and i thought about it and one friend popped into my mind. She’s one of my closest friends and is the full package she is pretty, has a great personality, and is smart, yet i still thought of her. And it still felt like in my head i was just thinking i’m prettier than her even though i feel ugly all the time. And i just feel so bad that i’m thinking so negatively about others when they only think and say nice things about me. I feel so fake. I genuinely love my friends but it just feels like i think subconsciously i’m better than them when in reality it’s probably the other way around. Like i want to change this thinking but it literally feels ingrained in my mind. Like i know it’s wrong but it’ll still be the first thing i think. I just want to be normal and not compare myself and bring others down. So now i’m questioning myself if i even really do think my friend is pretty, i was looking at her pictures and things and telling myself that she literally isn’t ugly but my mind is still thinking oh you’re prettier. LIKE WTF. I wish you guys could see inside my brain so i could explain this better :/ but as you can tell i’m a 0/10 friend. Is it bad for me to think i’m prettier than her? I feel like it is. And i know looks don’t even matter but i’m only asking cause that’s what it seems like this stems from. Like do i think i’m prettier than her because were the same ethnicity and i have more of the “conventional” beauty standards like a small nose and small eyes and is this just me thinking westernized features are the standard of beauty. Like we were at a party and there was this really cute guy and she ended up being with him the whole night and i feel like in the back of my mind i was surprised he chose her and not me but that’s so fucked cause i’m literally nothing special why do i think i’m better i literally hate this so much i wish i could just go brain dead. Me and this friend used to be the “ugly” ones in our friend group and i had a little glo up and started getting more recognition, and it wasn’t until this year really that she started talking to guys so maybe i feel threatened? i don’t know. basically i’m just an insecure bitch that can’t be happy for her friends and needs the spotlight or to be chosen by others to feel satisfied and good about myself, and feel the need to bring others down to justify and make myself feel better and i can’t accept others are better than me even though i don’t even like myself as a person.

Something triggered my anxiety. I did the breathing and for some reason I was having a hard time with this. Even doing something else to take my mind off of it and stop ruminating didn't work. I passed out from exhaustion. Woke up and my anxiety just picked up where it left off. I've tried mindfulness and grounding. What do you do that helps when this happens?

My OCD that I am a bad person, a racist, a homophobe, etc. is ruining my life because literally EVERYTHING is a trigger. This has been a hard quarantine because I am unable to escape my thoughts.

Being GAY STRAIGHT BI LESBIAN IS NOT A CHOICE

Sexual orientation ocd Hey guys I was wondering if u might of had contact with a person that made u uncomfortable and created a grinoal response from it I’m gay and I need reassurance of this problem

I am so tired of HOCD. I feel like I’m actually my thoughts and it’s exhausting and scary and I can’t take it anymore and I feel like just crying because it makes me so sad. I want to be straight... I am happy being straight and I don’t understand why that’s not enough because anything I do turns into another excuse/ proof as to why I like girls and I’m sick of it. I don’t know what to do

I’m still having a hard time with my OCD and bad things I have actually done. When I was younger, I lied about a lot of life situations and I know I did this. I don’t know why, if it was because I wanted attention or if I wanted a distraction from what was going on in my own life. Recently I’ve been dwelling more and more of these past actions. I can’t even tell myself it’s OCD making them worse because they are bad but then the OCD kicks in and it makes me feel like my world is just going to be over tomorrow. Please. Any suggestions or anything really would be a great help.

I’m not doing good today. I’m obsessing about past things from teen years again. That leads to my POCD bothering me. Which leads to confessing. Then I get paranoid that people who I’ve confessed to secretly think I’m disgusting and will call me out. Now I’m crying my eyes out because my dad came in and gave me my dogs paw print. He passed away 2 weeks ago today. The intrusive thoughts picturing him being put down and his body and just existential fears than get to me. No matter what I do I either feel like a bad person or I’m struck with grief from past traumas of people and loved ones dying. I just want it to end. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to deal with anymore bad things in my life anymore. I’m breaking down today and I feel incredibly alone and paranoid today and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m trying to listen to an audiobook a psychologist o spoke to recommended me about intrusive thoughts but then my brain goes to “well they aren’t exactly just any intrusive thoughts. These are real things that happened and they were bad” so then I just feel like shit anyways. I’m depressed. I’m scared. I’m paranoid. And I always feel unsafe like something bad will happen. I just hate this. I want it to stop.

Real event themes mixed with pocd bothering me and I wanna confess every time but I’m just like. I’m upset. With my life. This post doesn’t even make sense I’m just anxious and I really hate myself rn and I’m really scared.

Does anyone get the thought of what if I never recover while you are doing really good in recovery??can’t just be me

I have always had crushes on girls and felt a strong romantic attraction for them. Before HOCD, i remember feeling like i was on cloud 9 anytime a girl told me she liked me and I would always fantasize about girls in class. When i began to masturbate, I found myself more consistently masturbating to gay porn, almost always. I would still get aroused by girls at school and flirting with girls came easy to me, i truly enjoyed it so much. I can be aroused by straight porn or women models, but anytime gay porn comes into the picture i feel like i am going to cum faster. I never really thought much about what it meant, till HOCD came. Now, I have lost my attraction to women but the feeling gay porn gives me is still there. If i were to be bisexual i wouldn’t care, because I would still be able to have girlfriends and have that emotional and sexual connection to women. unfortunate HOCD has taken all this away from me, and i fear more and more that my attraction to women was false and caused by social conditioning. can anyone relate?

TW - s*lf-h*rm Alongside my OCD, I've also struggled with depression and anxiety over the years - I used to have a lot of panic attacks in school that slowly developed into more severe pseudo-seizures. In response to my depression or anxiety or both I turned to self-harm and, a few years later, I have about 300 scars across both of my forearms (which have been clear for about 18 months) and probably nearly 100 more recent ones on my stomach. As I worked through my depression and general anxiety with therapy and medication I gradually stopped turning to self-harm as a coping mechanism for those because I developed more positive coping techniques and realised that self-harm didn't actually improve my mood when I was depressed or anxious and that there were more positive distraction techniques instead. However, my OCD is now making staying clean from c*tting impossible. It's always played a big part in my self-harm - I have to cut a "good" number of times before I'm allowed to stop; most of the time this is 10 times, but if it's on half of my body I have to cut more on the other side so it's symmetrical. I'll also have to cut "deep enough" that my brain feels "right" - if there isn't enough blood I have to go over the same wound again because I can't leave one not looking "right". I know how absolutely screwed up that sounds but knowing things logically doesn't shut my brain up at all. As well as this, I'll have intrusive thoughts and obsess about cutting until I do it. Most of the time this is at night, and if that thought crosses my mind it's so so difficult to go to bed without doing it because it's all I'll think about - this voice in my head just telling me over and over that I need to cut myself. Sometimes it will serve as a compulsion in the sense of, "If I cut myself now then my friends will stay safe" or "Mum's going to die if you don't cut yourself". I'm so terrified of these outcomes that I'll do anything to stop them from happening - however illogical it seems. The fact that it's so difficult for me to stay clean from self-harm makes me worry that I'm addicted to it and I really don't know what to do.

I struggle with fears that I may have significantly harmed someone in my past. I realize that while that may be true, I’m also harming myself right now by compulsing, and ultimately I have to learn to love myself enough to forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and move on. Has anyone struggled with something similar and how did you get to the point where you forgive yourself for possible indiscretions?

I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.