Welcome to
the NOCD Community

****warning a couple years ago i got into porn, a lot of it. i started watching taboo stuff, my OCD is linked to one of them, but right now i’m having horrible thoughts because i used to get off to incest stuff. i knew it wasn’t real, and i never wanted to do anything like that in real life. it was mainly my father i would think about. i hate it so much. i love my dad. he’s done so much for me in my life, and i’ve never seen him like that, it’s disgusting. yet i still got off to that kind of thing, i would think about him in that way, in the moment, while masturbating. but never any time else. i hate myself for it. i cant even watch porn anymore because my brain can’t think of anything but my father. it’s so disturbing. i wish it would stop. does anyone have any idea how to help this?

How can I cope with real event ocd, with some terrible mistakes Ive made in my past? I also am paranoid and delusional pretty much about everything. I am obsessing lke a paranoid. I just want it to stop.

Do you ever look at a picture of a guy and a girl and this thought pops up" would you rather date a girl or guy?" I immediately started trembling and I was so stuck. The girl was really pretty but I don't want a girl and the guy was average looking but I also didn't know him well so I can't possibly date him. Then I suddenly got society thoughts "since the girl is prettier would you date her?" "Are you saying the guy because society forced this on you?" OMG :(( This is so twisted :( I care more about personality than looks and I've only ever liked guys. I have a few beautiful female friends and they have amazing personalities but I don't have feelings for them. My HOCD tells me that I do and I've always liked the same-sex since I was little and that I've always "felt different".

This is gonna be a long post as I’m gonna vent my feelings, please if you could offer me support or encouraging words that would be so helpful because I feel so alone and sad right now? I’ve never officially been diagnosed with OCD, but I feel as though I’ve had it my whole life. When I was younger, about 10 or 11, I had so many fears. I feared no one truly liked me so I had to keep asking my friends whether they actually liked me about 20 times for reassurance, but even when they reassured me I still felt as though no one liked me. I kept getting scared that I was going to get hurt, for example I had a fear that my neck was bleeding and I would die so I had to keep rubbing the back of my neck and checking my hand for blood and I kept being terrified of stepping on or sitting on something sharp. In the more recent years, I’ve had my mind convinced me of so much. My mind convinced me I didn’t actually like my best friend. It’s made me believe I don’t care about death and anything violent so whenever I listen to a sad story on the news for example I feel so numb. It’s convinced me I’m not actually a nice person and I only pretend to be nice in order to get a good reputation which is completely not true at all. For a few weeks I had a fear i was going blind so I would have to keep checking my eyes in the mirror before I went to sleep to see if there was anything wrong with them. I also have to keep re-reading messages, cards, emails, social media comments etc because I keep fearing I’ve written something horrible. For example, if I comment something nice on a friend’s Instagram post, I get fears that I’ve written an insult to them so I have to keep reading over the comment over and over again before and after sending it. The obsession I currently have at the moment is about a band that I love. I’ve been a massive fan of theirs for years, they honestly mean the world to me and bring me so much happiness. If you were to ask my family and friends they would tell you I am their biggest fan. They bring me so much joy. But ever since I’ve been into them I’ve had thoughts doubting my love and enjoyment for them. It made me feel numb to them and it’s upset me so much. However, for those years I realise now that I had merely forced the thoughts away. I made myself not think about them which at the time seemed like a good idea because I didn’t really get the thoughts, but I still felt numb towards the group because the thoughts were always at the back of my mind and I believed them. The past month or so I’ve realised that I need to accept the thoughts and try not to react to them but it’s been so hard. I feel so upset because they mean the whole world to me, but these thoughts bring me so much doubt. I can’t stop thinking “what if you’re truly just losing interest in them and can’t accept it?” which i know is not true but I just feel so doubtful and it’s horrible. I can’t stop crying. I’ve felt so alone with these thoughts because theyre not as severe as what other people may have and I’ve been so scared of people saying to me “why are you so upset over that?”. But I can’t stop obsessing over them and it’s hurting me so much. I feel guilty for being this upset because ik people have it worse than me, but as I said this group mean the whole world to me, but now I feel as though I can’t even enjoy them because of these thoughts and I just feel so down. I’ve read that OCD can be caused by trauma which has made me wonder whether the trauma I suffered from when I was young has been a factor towards it. My mom has OCD and there’s been a lot of anxiety disorders in my family so perhaps it’s genetic as well? As I said though I’ve never officially been diagnosed with OCD, but the symptoms seem to point to it. Thank you to anyone who has read this long post, I could really do with support right now?I just feel so down and so alone, I feel hopeless?????

Has anyone thought about something and have it come true? So for instance I thought about suicide and then one of my cousins committed suicide. I Think about something bad and then next thing I know it happens to me or someone I know. Now I'm having such bad anxiety about all these bad things that may happen to me and my family that I obsess over it causing me to extensively pray. It's exhausting and idk what to do or how to control it. I feel like every thought has or will come true that I'm having a hard time.

My ocd was having unwanted hurtful thoughts about my boyfriend that are not true, i said "ew" once in reaction to the thought because of course it is not true, and then i think it told me to say it again if I believe they are true and I don't remember if I did or not.. there was in instance where I said it before hand with another untrue thought and I don't know if my mind is mixing it up, if I said it again it was a reaction and definitely not to agree with the thought, I remember being calm and then questioning after but I just don't remember for sure... it's killing me. I don't know if I said it or not I have no memory and it's killing me I don't know I don't think it's true, I don't want this to ruin my health and happiness in my relationship and it currently is on my end. please help me !!!

I feel like I’m being consumed by childhood guilt/ real event ocd and I want to move on and heal. But I’m lacking so many skills as an adult. I need to be able to take care of myself before I can start recovery. Self care has been so hard for me the last 3 months. All I do is take baths and sleep. I suffer from nightmares, stress eat, and ruminate. This is my every day. I’m struggling to keep my home clean, keep up with chores and exercise. I need support. If anyone is out there.

Guys I’ve been working my butt off at ERP and getting my reassurance down to 0. At same time, I feel so awful and am so worked up over the fact that I’m not feeling better yet. I’m so worked up. I feel like this will never get better. I’m so sad. Idk what to do. I love my therapist and believe in my erp plan, but I don’t feel results yet after so much hard work. I’m drained and want my life back.

Anybody else ever been really misunderstood by a professional or been amateur psychoanalysed by someone who "just wanted to help"? A psych student on here was complaining that people don't like when students do that and that that then makes them feel bad, but honestly it seems to me like an issue of interpersonal boundaries. They then rolled back all their previous claims that they do it, but never mind lol. The guy who tried to do it with me was way, way off and when I said things which clearly went against his hypothesis about me, he tried to force it to fit and made awful guesses. I know now that the reason I was struggling was OCD and PTSD and it pisses me off even to remember, it was the most intrusive mansplaining I've ever experienced and ended in him getting a warning from our joint landlord to stay away from me. I also saw an EMDR therapist who made weird racist comments and told me within 5 minutes of me crying and shaking that she didn't think I had PTSD (...........?). On the flip side though, the psychologist who diagnosed my PTSD also identified my OCD before I even knew anything about it which is seriously impressive, 10/10 would let that guy psychoanalyse me. But yeah, anyone ever had either an amateur or a professional just be way off-base? Sometimes my therapist misunderstands where my feelings are at about something but we have a good enough relationship to where I can clarify without feeling invalidated. She has suggested I could file a complaint against the EMDR lady but I've considered it before and don't have the emotional energy.

I’m frustrated because I come here for help, but I don’t get any. It seems like my ocd gets worse when I come here. Especially with certain people and what they comment.

It’s like I can’t live my life the way I want it to because this just feels too real... it’s like one day in the future I’m gonna accept the fact that I’m gay and actually want it... it’s like I am in the closet and desire/ want all of this and I’m gonna have to deal with it... it’s like the life I’ve always dreamt of having is being stripped away from me by my own head... it’s like “if I just didn’t have this theme maybe I would be happier”. This is so tiring... so so tiring. I want to be happy, I don’t want to feel guilty and it feels as if the only way to do this is to be gay and break up with the love of my life. I am terrified to lose this life I have,, I am terrified to lose my identity,, I am terrified to lose the one person I love the most,, I am living in fear with a constant bully in my head. I am living in fear every step of the way and it is so hard to accept the thoughts because it feels like if I do I will become what I fear the most. What is this is just not ocd,, what I’ve been like this all my life,, what if I can’t choose my boyfriend because people just don’t choose to be gay. I’m frightened. I want my life back, I want my freedom back, I want my happiness back. Without any fears, any guilt because of these thoughts, without ever having to doubt about my straightness, without having to doubt about my future. I hate this

I have panic attacks because of my ocd - I’m an ivf baby and people say bad things about me, that I have scar and don’t have a soul - when I have soul. It makes me paranoid and I have to do more compulsive things. Can someone please tell me how to deal with them?

If you choose to read this could you please comment*** 5 years ago I went on a date with a coworker. We both ended up getting quite drunk and went to his place. He offered to call me a cab, but I denied. I know we smoked some weed and watched a show in his room... I know I kissed him, and he started to initiate sex. I remember him touching my pants and saying “is this okay? Is this okay?” And I said yes and unbuttoned them but then somewhere in the time we started fooling around I blacked out. I started to remember the end of our interaction. I know he was very drunk too we had spent about 5 hours drinking, and he actually left his door open to his room and his roommate was home and we were both mortified the next morning??‍♀️. After the incident I didn’t feel worried or scared or taken advantage of, I just felt like holy, that was a lot to drink what a crazy night. We continued to go on dates and hook up completely soberly and I never saw a scary dark side of him or felt pressured into anything. We actually decided to pursue a relationship in the next few weeks after spending every day together and 5 years later I am still with him. We have a daughter, he’s a great father and boyfriend and treats me so great, but tonight I am having stomach curdling ocd anxiety. I’m riddled with all of the horrible “WHAT IFS” .... WHAT IF, I was raped? WHAT IF, he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was? WHAT IF, he intentionally took advantage of me? Honestly in my heart I do feel we were just two drunk people who got carried away, he did offer to buy me a cab, he did ask multiple times before he even touched me if it was okay and I urged him on. But you know how it goes, you find one thing with an ounce of uncertainty in it and ocd sets a bonfire on it in your mind. I just need to vent this, I don’t know where else I could talk about it.

I saw a bug in the house, downstairs, today. Now I am scarred to go down because I am afraid if it lands on me. I don’t want a dead or alive bug on me. That’s my constant fear everyday, but now I have seen a bug.

Guys I was watching a really sad movie and everyone watching it was crying but me. I’ve struggled with ocd where I think I’m a psychopath and this feels like confirmation and I’m really stressed and panicking

I can’t stop feeling like what if a naked woman was in front of me?? Would I be turned on!? And I feel like the answer is like of course you would be! So I’m getting super anxious and I feel like my anxiety is trying to protect from the truth that I would want to hook up with a naked woman. I’m so anxious and upset over this thought, I can’t

Has anyone here ever told their parents about having HOCD? What was their response? I want to tell my parents that I have HOCD but I'm scared to because they might think I'm actually coming out to them as gay or bi, or that they'll think I'm in denial.

I'd like to share my story and it may trigger someone still doesnt know how it works, I believe I have OCD (HOCD and ROCD), like I dont even know anymore. Id appreciate some feedback to know if i am just delusional. So I met this girl from spain during summer and i fell in lover with her but were at a camp and its was soon over and we didnt really do anything else besides kkissing. Month after i went to spain for my exchange year ( 800km from where she lives...) but on new years with got in touch and went to her city by train. I was breaking several rules of my organization by this travel risking being kicked out to my home country and was pretty stressed. When i got there i got pretty nervous/stressed (idk anymore) probably due to the fact i never got intimate with anybody. Long story short i had problems with erections even tho she is really beutiful and atracttive. I started douting everything and thought i was gay. From that point up until now i have problems wirh erections and i thought it was penis problem ting.I just cant get properly horny and erection dont last really anything. But i started having these gay thoughts and became extremely anxious. I started doubting my love for here ( that started already when i was with here there, and the gay thoughts as well). Had some periods when i was feeling better but had these compultions in my head imaging some gay stuff and trying to figure out if i enjoy it. Never got actually erect from that then and now. I have always wanked off to the idea of being with girl or normal hetero porn. Ou and also started staring at my friends trying to see if i am interested in them or smh. Or put on gay porn to see if i get erexted and when i didnt which happened always i felt kind of relieve for a few minutes after. Always noticing people around of the same sex (male) to see if i see them atracttive or paying atttention to my dick to see how it reacts to gay stuff compared to hetero stuff. Still talking with this girl from spain even tho she lives like 2800 km from me..... Periods when i was like yes i love her and then that i am not sure. I based everyrhing on my level of arousal. The more i wanted to be aroused by the thought of being with her the less it worked. I think that this became on of my compulsions as well. Btw went to doc and my testosterone and everything is alright. When found out about hocd i got instant relieve for like 5 days. Gay thought disapeared.I wanked off like 3 times a day and got normal erections. ( druing those good days i wasnt tslking to her and neither now bur from other reasons) But when i reaaly focused on the idea of being with her it was hard to jerk off and it scared me that she wasnt atractting me enough or smh and the gay thoughts came back with doubting everything.... i fell like sometimes when i stop feeling anxiety its because i got to the conclusion, either i am gay or i dony love her anymore. Even tho i dont think i can be gay when i havent masturbated a single Time in my 18 years of live to a boy and never got hard from one neither. And when i stopped being anxious thinking about those bad thoughts I got scared that its because they are true and got bsck again in to the cycle....... I dont even know whats happening anymore. Last 2 weeks i dont do my compulsion really much but i still feel like shit and my dick its pretty much dead. And last thing. Everytime i told the girl i was not sure about my feelings i bursted out crying like i didnt want to tell her what i was telling her but my thoughts were saying otherwise, always day or 2 after i wanted to ,,be,, (ldr...) with her again. I based everything on my level of arousal. Sometimes i feel like i dont want to hurt her by making her be with me cause maybe i am gay or idk. Really fucking anoyyed i cant fucking jerk off properly and i miss her so much but i think i Would be scared to have something too sexual with her(or maybe with anyone rn) even tho i want to, because of being scared that i dont get proper hard. Well i dont really think anyone will read this Would appreciate some feedback cause i feel really confused.

Anyone ever have Real Event OCD over something that they did that isn’t really wrong? I’ve heard of people having it over mistakes they’ve made in their life, and OCD hangs onto it. With this, it’s like the feeling, idea or worry I did something wrong. Some background.. I had a stan Twitter when I was younger. (Basically a fan account for those of you who don’t know.) I still check on it quite a bit even though I don’t really tweet on it. It’s easier because everything is all in one space. I guess someone like me, someone who has what some may refer to as an “obsessive personality” could be prone to OCD. Anyways, recently I recalled I saw a video of a celebrity I like mentioning how she has a Facebook under a different name so she can keep in touch with her family. I never tried to look for it (even though I wouldn’t follow or like or do anything) because that felt wrong. Although a few days ago, I looked for it. I found it. It wasn’t that hard to find. I knew her sister’s name from Instagram and I searched the name and found it from there. Not much was on her page, so I started browsing through other family member’s pages. I feel like such a stalker. I feel terrible and weird and obsessive. I can’t enjoy anything. :(((

I’m having a really bad day with OCD so I just need to get all this out. I wonder if there’s some deep underlying cause that triggered my ROCD. I had these thoughts about other boyfriends too, not just the one I currently am with. So, here’s some of what I experienced as a young child/teen. My parents never hugged or kissed and I never really saw them interact in fact. My dad would work all the time and he’d fall asleep on the couch when he got home. One time on Christmas when I was like 7 years old, I asked my mom “why don’t you and daddy ever kiss?” I would see them fight a lot and I’d see one of my brothers also fight with my dad a lot. It always made me very anxious. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. They kinda just acted like college roomates who never got to know eachother instead of a married couple. (I just wanna say everyone in my family are AMAZING people that I admire, but they do make mistakes just like everyone else) When I was 10/11, my mom got remarried to my step dad. They love eachother very much and got along real well and we had fun. But a few years later, we learned he’s an alcoholic and I’ve heard and seen things that were heartbreaking from him. The things he’s said to my mom just are absolutely awful when he’s drinking. He’s a great guy when he doesn’t, but I don’t think our daughter-step father relationship will ever be the same. I guess all of the toxic things I’ve seen my mom go through with my dad and step dad affected me more than I ever thought. I vowed to myself I’d never get a divorce or get in an abusive relationship and I think my mind took that inter overdrive and that’s where my ROCD was born. (Ps, I did end up getting into a really mentally/emotionally abusive relationship which probably also influences the ROCD thoughts about my current boyfriend) So, I guess if anyone has any advice or kind things I’d really appreciate them. I hope you guys are all doing well ??