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Sorry in advance for the long vent... So I’m literally sitting in the bed crying right now because I don’t know what I believe anymore. Like I’ve just been here thinking about how when I was in the 6th grade I kept having intrusive thoughts about being gay and like I knew I liked girls, I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. But I was pretty much in denial the entire time because years later I came out to myself as bi, which was like the hardest thing to do. And about a year after that I came out to myself as gay, which was like the easiest thing for me to do. I was SO HAPPY, like I had this feeling that I was finally on the path to finding myself. A few months later the thoughts came back only this time about being bi. I knew I didn’t like guys and because of this the thoughts got worse, and now after months of suffering I keep fearing that I’m in denial like I was before. I keep telling myself that I’m gay because that’s what I believed, but now I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know these are symptoms of hocd, but what if I’m in denial and afraid to accept it. I’m literally in bed right now crying and trembling because I don’t know what to do or what to believe. Every time I do research about it people always seem to say things like “if you have been what you identify as for years, no thoughts gonna change that”. But when I think about that it makes me question things because I came out as gay about 3 or 4 months before the thoughts came back. Like what if this is just further proof that I am bi. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to find a therapist, but obviously one of their specialties has to be OCD, otherwise they’re just gonna tell me that I’m in denial because they won’t know how to handle the situation. But there are no OCD therapists where I live or any decent therapists that specialize in OCD. And even if I found one how would I get there? I’m tired of fighting. Am I even supposed to be fighting, or am I supposed to just give in to the thoughts?? I’m literally on the verge of giving up. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me??

I don’t know if this is a religious OCD thing or not, but sometimes when I’m really having a bad day (today ain’t great) I’ll start scrambling to search for an external source that is causing me such distress, like if I have something pagan or not of God among my stuff, then think that’s probably the reason why I’m being tormenting and that those objects are bringing a demon to hurt me. For example, when my OCD onset first started (suicidal OCD) I literally went on a rampage through my room throwing out anything I thought might have been upsetting to God. I threw out my copy of the Witcher 3 (my absolute favorite video game), I threw out socks my cousin gave me for Christmas because they were Harry Potter theme, I threw out my Gorillaz t-shirts (because one of the characters is supposed to be a satanist even tho he’s literally a cartoon and it’s not ever mentioned besides his character description), and so on. After I figured out it was OCD I was upset I threw my things out. But sometimes it comes back full swing. For example I recently bought a poster from an artist who did a drawing of a character from this anime called Demon Slayer (really great show!) and now that I’ve been having some harder days this last week my mind is telling me that it’s the poster causing me to become worse (because the character was a human who became a demon/vampire thing). I really don’t want to throw it away because I know that’s not causing this and it’s a beautiful picture from a show I love, but it’s causing me fear saying how I’m allowing myself to be tortured because I own things like that. Anyone else experience something like that? Do I leave my stuff up?

Has anyone else felt they couldn't share something with their therapist in fear of getting in trouble? Have you told them, and if so, how did it go? I'm dealing with this at the moment, and it's very difficult. Hearing others stories might help me.

I want to start doing ERP but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about the real event which my ocd focuses on. Would ERP be ineffective if my therapist didn’t know the full story? I’m not really sure how that would work.

I just read an experience from an "HOCD sufferer" on google who at the end he discovered he is bisexual and now i'm in a panic attack ???

Today has been one of the biggest battles with suicidal OCD for me. I spent the entire day in bed frightened that I really want to do what my thoughts are telling me to do. There has been a very strong urge and I haven’t been able to distract myself or do anything to calm me down. I can’t stop thinking what I could have done wrong to deserve this. I really want to get better, I want to want life and to exist. Why are my thoughts and feelings attacking me making me think otherwise? Why can’t I get better? The pain is unbearable and the urge is frightening me.

Honestly I don't want to discourage anyone but contemplating that OCD is described as highly treatable I am missing at least some success stories here.

Im so lost, So confused about who i am I sit there and watch videos on YouTube, gay tests, It just doesn’t resonate with me, but i look at my childhood or try to at least and cant find relief, and just want to know already, I feel like when i was a kid (8-13) that if i thought someone was good looking that was an indicator and I’m losing my mind, i can’t smile, I’ve been in bed all day, like i feel Im in an other reality, anybody want to talk? I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, i just want the thoughts to stop so i Can enjoy my life

how do i get past something i did and forgive myself? everyone tells me that it’s fine and not bad at all but i still don’t forgive myself

I'm afraid that I'm a racist all over again because of the fact that I was on Indeed applying for jobs and housekeeping came up. I applied for it. But then my brain went this job is for Hispanics. That is a stereotype and harmful. I hate my brain. Now I'm afraid beforehand that the reason I didn't apply for housekeeping jobs is because I'm racist. :(

A few of us have mentioned being fearful of sharing some of our darkest OCD thoughts with our therapist. For those that have shared with their therapist, what made you feel OK enough to do that? It could be helpful to the rest of us.

This is gonna be a mini rant because I just feel as though this needs to be said. Thoughts that don’t fit the typical subtypes need to be normalised. For me, my thoughts don’t fit any subtypes and are completely personal to me, but I’m so fearful of getting help in case people just view my thoughts as silly or as unimportant. I’m sure this is true for so many others too. I genuinely can’t stop thinking “you don’t deserve to get help because your topic of thoughts aren’t as bad as others”. Yes my thoughts aren’t violent or sexual in nature, but I can’t stop obsessing over them and they’re ruining my life. But I’m still so scared of getting help because I fear a therapist or a doctor or a psychiatrist will just perceive me as being silly. I have even been called silly on here before because of my thoughts which made me even worse because I already can’t stop worrying over the fact I’m probably being silly so for someone to say that to me it made me worse. To be called silly on an app where I thought people would understand that OCD and intrusive thoughts can manifest into anything was just horrible. I’ve had so much support on this app and I’m so grateful, loads of people have told me I’m not silly and that my feelings are valid, but because of the state I’m in I can’t stop thinking of that one comment on here calling me silly. If this applies to you, please you need to realise that it doesn’t matter whether your thoughts don’t fit a subtype. Intrusive thoughts are still intrusive thoughts and need to be treated the same, whether they’re part of a subtype or not. Please dont think you’re being silly, it’s easier said than done I know because I can’t stop thinking that I’m just being silly, but your feelings are completely valid. If these thoughts are taking over your life, making you miserable and you feel as though you can’t deal with them, please talk to someone❤️❤️❤️

guys ik this is seeking for reassurance but gay thoughts don’t disgust me anymore and they haven’t for a long time and whenever i read about people who do get disgusting by the thoughts i just want to cry i don’t want to be gay but my brain is telling me i do i’m freaking out and does anyone else’s false attractions and groinals feel so real?i feels like real denial

I need serious advice if anyone can give me some it would be greatly appreciated ever since my cousin passed due to suicide from paranoid schizophrenia and then my dad passed right after I get thoughts of what if I got schizophrenia and I get paranoid thoughts about paranoid thoughts it’s so weird it’s been hard to be around family and friends I’ve only been diagnosed with ocd anxiety and depression please any advice would help I’m sorry if I’m doing to much I’m just not feeling well

I hate that I no longer have motivation to do the things I once loved..these things helped me distract myself but now It feels like nothing works anymore...

I am always thinking about my past. I keep notes of every single detail. I keep calendar. I always try to have a clear image of everything from the last days, months, years. I am overthinking all the time and this ruins my life. If i lose control of what happened the last days my mind somehow dont function and i get really depressed. Is this ocd? Anybody else with same problem?

Can intrusive thoughts come with feelings? My intrusive thoughts affect my love for this music group who I love so much, they question whether I truly love them. These thoughts make me feel as though I actually don’t like them and I sometimes get feelings of irritation or being annoyed by the group which is so horrible?

Y’all, I am asking for some help. The media uproar going on about race right now is REALLY triggering my OCD. It feels like the entire white population is being labeled a bully. I am trying to do better in areas where I feel like I have given into stigmas, but I know over all I love EVERYONE. It’s just overwhelming to have everybody yelling at you from their Instagram posts all at once. Plus a loved one is dying. Please help. I feel like I am spiraling & I am so confused in this battle.

I need to get this off my chest. I’m losing a friend. She has become a very hateful person. She’s racist and homophobic and transphobic and just this and that. The list goes on and on. She doesn’t respect me. She’s hurt me so many times in the past and not once said a meaningful sorry if she ever said sorry at all. And she will not see she’s getting worse with her paranoia and refuses to get help. Instead tries to tell you your own faults. I feel like a terrible person for being friends with her for so long bc I heard all the hateful things she said and I was always too scared to ever say or do anything. Another mutual friend just cut her off after we found out stuff she both did to us. Now I’m trying to cut her off. I just feel like I’m a terrible person because I was even friends with her for so long. I feel horrible and it makes me wanna isolate again.

I am freaking out over if I have rabies or not. My dog missed his shot by two weeks, and in the span of that time he got into a fight with a cat. It's been another two weeks and we're trying to get him vaccinated but it's been hard trying to schedule during corona, and I keep obsessing over if he bit me or not. I feel like I'm going to die and I cant stop panicking over it and my family thinks im stupid for worrying and are just making fun of me.