Welcome to
the NOCD Community

take me back to the time where my HOCD never happened. i'd give up 30 years of my life i swear

I’m dealing with depersonalization.disociation all kinds everything seems so strange

How does internalized homophobia feel? I'm scared I don't have HOCD but being homophobic. Before hocd, I kinda was. But right now I feel like I've more accepted people being gay and everybody should do what makes them happy. Only thing is that having crushes on girls makes me happy and not the other way around. What's the difference between hocd and internalized homophobia.

It's telling me if I don't like my guy friend, then it must be a sign. He liked me in the past, but I never returned the feelings because he's kinda of a jerk and he has made me uncomfortable countless times. Also, he isn't "good-looking" and my OCD tells me that "I don't like him because of his looks so it means that I only like guys for their looks." Although looks fo contribute to attraction, I don't like his personality, knowing how unloyal he has been to his exes. I'm really lost with this HOCD thing. I feel so uncomfortable and paranoid when I talk to my female and male friends :/

Reflection Time: It's crazy to me how little I actually know about my condition. Sometimes I come here and stumble upon things that somehow, give me a newfound understanding of OCD. I'd think to myself, "Yeah, that makes sense." For a while I thought I was free of intrusive thoughts, those I deemed the scariest and most disturbing. Then I realized those aren't actually the only themes I could possibly have and OCD can still manifest differently from what I already know. And although the thoughts I do get still bother me, I never actually related them or made a connection to my condition, in any way. I thought maybe, I really just have a brain that sounds like a broken record outside of OCD, a broken record of terrible things, that is. Still, I'm learning about my own condition and a lot of things are making sense. And my brain still sounds like a broken record. Sometimes, I find it funny when people tell me my brain is like my biggest asset, and they'd joke about borrowing it for a while (especially before a test, haha). I'd bet they wouldn't really want it if they got to experience the ugly part of it. But maybe that's just the balance of it all. I learned in accounting class how an asset can be as much of a liability, too, in order to keep the balance. That's kind of how I see myself, and my brain now, both an asset and a liability at the same time. Maybe that's the price I have to pay. For every perfect score I manage to achieve is an anxious mind that rechecked everything a dozen times just to get them right; For every truth that I know is my mind, unsatisfied, seeking certainty, just to be sure, just one more time (and again after that, and again after that); For every compliment I get is my mind bullying me into thinking I am the opposite (a fraud, they'll find out soon enough, I'm a fraud); For every place that I go is my mind warning me of threats (no, it doesn't feel safe, no, it doesn't feel right); For everything that I feel is my mind calling me a liar (do you really? Do you really?); For everything that I do is my mind reliving and reliving and replaying and replaying everything until everything starts feeling so wrong. And I'd breathe, and stop for a while. Until my mind decides to do it again, the whole process. And repeat. And repeat. Like a broken record. That's how it wants to be in order to keep its balance. It's been a while since this demon first got acquainted with me. There are days when it announces its presence and is clear about its intentions towards me, and days when it uses the element of surprise against me. Most days I just think I'm used to it by now. Some days, I'd stop and think to myself, what am I doing? Why can't I just stop? I wish it was that easy to let go of, but I guess it's kind of like an abusive relationship where it's NOT always that easy to just leave. Maybe I will always live with it like I've been told. I guess I just kind of learned to live with it for a while. Some days, not so much. I still have a long way to go.

im in such a bad place right now :(( it’s like everyday, a new memory, a new thought, a new doubt, a new false memory, a new what if, a new theme. i swear i’ve gone through all the themes already. im just so TIRED of being tormented from every angle that ocd has. i just want to feel better and i want my life back. i used to be so happy but now i can’t enjoy life anymore. i have to lock my self away in my bathroom at family gatherings cause i cant control my panic attacks. i cant go to my friend’s house cause i’ll get intrusive thoughts about her baby brother. it’s so scary and so tiring. i know this isn’t me, this is not who i am. im so scared and i feel so alone. i just wanna go back to normal. i don’t want ocd throwing every single curveball at me that it has. i live everyday in fear of another theme popping up

I’m a terrible Christian ?

I have had harm ocd for 5 years but now the theme seems to have changed to the fear of going crazy. Every thought I have I think is this me hearing voices or just a thought? And sometimes I’ll look at a bag on the floor and for a second think it’s my dog, but then when I properly look I can see it’s just a bag. I have an intense fear of schizophrenia and psychosis. Is this still ocd? I don’t hear many people talk about thoughts about developing schizophrenia or psychosis and am worried that my worst nightmare has come true and that my ocd has changed into a different mental illness

I often wonder if my SOOCD and ROCD stem from an extreme fear of getting pregnant. Growing up my mom would say things like “I bet shes the one that will get pregnant in high school, in college, before marriage, etc” Ive alway been one to prove someone wrong so here I am, 30 years old, afraid to get intimate with anyone because it always leads to me feeling extremely guilty. Ive broken off the only 2 relationships Ive had in the last 10 years because of this. I usually use some lame excuse like religion differences but deep down I know its this fear. I started seeing a guy recently. Theres something different with him or maybe its just the timing of being quarantined and learning about OCD. I enjoy my time with him until things start getting more physical then Im constantly battling these fears: am I only letting him get farther to prove the soocd wrong or do I actually enjoy this? Or, we got pretty far this time, that only means next time we get together the likelihood of me getting pregnant goes way up. Even though I dont do anything that will get me pregnant, I still worry that the next time I do something, Ill go all the way and Ill get pregnant. I always have mixed feelings after I see him like I really did enjoy spending time with him but I also just feel so guilty. Unlike the previous relationships I have this fear of being gay on top of the original fear of getting pregnant. Most of the time I feel dead and numb inside because that feeling is better than the guilt and uncertainty. However, I will say knowing that its OCD has made a huge difference, I only feel like that most of the time instead of all the time. Anyways thanks for coming to my TEDtalk, I need to get that off my chest this morning.

Can someone answer who also has pocd ?

Can I talk to someone please? For some reason I've been having this thought and it comes only once in a while. I sometimes feel like I'm a boy deep down inside. I'm like 90% girly and 10% tomboyi-ish. I always get this feeling that I'm not supposed to be a girl. I think I have tocd but idk cause the thoughts come only once in a while and I don't obsess much but they distress me a little bit and I search up about transgenderism and genders. My brain is also telling me that I'll be happier as boy cause then my hocd will go away and I can be with boys (as a boy). I don't find the thoughts distressing me much but it's quite weird :(

HOCD feels to real and I don’t feel like myself , I feel like I’ve turned bisexual and I wanna die

Can I post how I feel on hear to get advice about what’s going on in my head ?

I talked to my therapist today, and she mentioned how my compulsion was to obsess over certain things, because if i dont obsess over them then they'll come true etc. I never thought about it that way. She hasn't recommended doing any exposure for my obsessions yet which I find interesting cause she does do erp, so I'm curious as to where she's going with all this. She's helped me a lot so far, so I trust her. Should I be worried though?

How can I do ERP with real event OCD? I feel like it doesn't work to say "it could happen" because it already happened! Any suggestions?

I saw something on here about internalised homophobia yesterday and I had no idea what it was really so i looked it up and it really triggered me. Because now i just think what if it’s that instead of HOCD. But i just don’t want to be gay or do anything gay the thoughts and everything literally make me feel sick and like it constantly looking up everything all the time like I tick every box for HOCD and I never had questioned my sexuality before and I had been in love with a boy for 2 years but I’m always like. what if i wasn’t actually. i know where it all started it was when me and my boyfriend had an argument and I just thought lol like what if i was gay and then ever since then i’ve been freaking out like why would i think that and it just makes me so anxious and literally keeps me up at night trying to work out if i’m gay or not. I’ve lost all “attraction” for boys but sometimes it comes back which makes me happy but i also have no attraction or desire for girls but then my brain is just like what if you’re just lying to yourself and in denial. Like i’ve test myself all the time - like sometimes i don’t even feel anxious it just happens but it makes me so distressed and i just want it all to stop and go away. I’ve started therapy for anxiety disorder but we haven’t even got onto the hocd or brfb yet my life ha just been so fucked up ...

How does acceptance work for the more tricky themes? Especially relating to violence, pedophilia etc. The concept of unconditional acceptance is where you’re supposed to try and counter feelings of shame and guilt and fear but knowing that even if your fear came true, you’d cope. I can apply this to existential or sexuality themes, but the darker ones I struggle to understand cause you’d be a social outcast, you’d be harming someone, so how does it work?

It really feels like I’m sexually attracted to a woman body parts and it kills me. I don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to have these urges and images and thoughts. I just want to live happy with my boyfriend but it’s so hard. It feels like I want and like these things. It makes me think it’s not ocd and idk what to believe now. I hate this

Hi I’ve been on this app for a little while and I have a question about HOCD if any sufferers can help me. I’ve tried googling this aspect of it far and wide and I seem to get no results. I’m already positive I have HOCD considering most of my life I have had pure O, which manifested into HOCD as I got older. I’m not going to go into full detail because I’m sure you all know what HOCD is, but it’s traumatic to say the least. I show every single symptom, but there is something else I experience that I haven’t seen anywhere and I wanted to know if anyone else with HOCD could relate. Not only does my HOCD impact my mind, but now I feel like it is changing me on the outside. Right now I’m wearing a PLAIN BROWN LONG SLEEVE SHIRT and I have somehow convinced myself that it’s gay and now I want to take it off. I can say this about nearly everything in my closet. I love this top; I think it is so flattering and comfy. I don’t WANT to change. But I feel like I should. I don’t feel comfy rolling up my hoodie sleeves for the same reason. There are countless fashion triggers for me: wearing too much eyeliner, wearing cargo/wide leg jeans, putting my hands in my pockets, wearing my hair slicked back, bandanas, keeping my nails unpainted...I could go on ALL DAY. I know exactly how my HOCD was first triggered though, so I guess it’s good so I can get to the root of the issue. I’m the oldest child in my family (I’m a teen girl btw), and I just sort of felt weird talking to my parents about boys I liked. Little did they know I was/am boy crazy, but I never felt there was a need for me to bring it up unless one of them showed interest in me. While I liked tons of boys, there was always one who I had a crush on who was a family friend, and my mom would always tease me about it, so I assumed she knew about him, and I jokingly played it off every time. Then the one day I made it more obvious she said “Oh you really like him? Oh thank goodness I thought you were gay. Not that it’s a bad thing I would always support you honey, but I want grandchildren lol.” And this never left my head. Now I will constantly tell my mom what actors I find hot and I will never leave it alone. The comment really bothered me, although I know she meant no harm; it made me think people could’ve thought I was gay, which made me feel icky. To be clear, I am not homophobic in the slightest. I have a few friends who r LGBTQ+, but I knew it wasn’t me, and it felt like her comment forced an identity upon me that I didn’t want, but convinced myself I had. From here, the compulsions started and u can guess the cycle from here. It didn’t help a same sex friend of mine came out to me the day before Coronavirus lockdown, and I told her I was so proud of her and then she said, “well like I’m bi but only for...some people...” and then she assumed I was also Bi, which I don’t think she realized, but worsened my mental state so much. I also realize it’s disrespectful to assume your LGBT friends like you, but then I realized how much she had been complimenting me. She never dished out compliments. She would always say I was so pretty, I should model, and she would often make sexual comments about me as well but k thought of it as like “hyping up a friend” and never realized it like that. I have this shirt from urban outfitters that has these little skeletons on it and I just thought it was a cute top, until one day she said “oooo that shirt give me like ‘I’d f*ck her in the morning vibes’”. I never thought much of it, but I haven’t worn the shirt since; I can’t bring myself to. I wasn’t even good friends with her, as she went to my school, left, and came back. From here, it has just been a downward spiral, but sometimes it just stops and I feel free again, but then it comes knocking once more. Anyways, both these encounters triggered my HOCD and caused a spiral in my compulsions. But, the point of this was to ask if/how to get over the fashion anxieties/anxieties that are associated w HOCD. I obviously didn’t tell my whole story here, but it comes with a lot of mental trauma following these incidents. Sorry for the long sob story but can anyone let me know if these fashion anxieties are normal/how to treat them??? Thanks!!!

Hey guys, I made a post the other day about having the urge to repeat simple tasks till it “feels right.” I’ve done a bit if research and found out that increasing levels of serotonin in the brain may reduce or cure ocd but with the help of medication which I am not open to. I’d also like to try everything I can myself before considering therapy. I’m wanting to know some of your experiences with getting better using natural remedies over medication and how long it took to be effective