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the NOCD Community

@sanzida? Hey, here we can chat

I have exams in this week, and after this end,i plan that i will buy myself an xbox or ps. I had the motivation to study because of that, i was happy, until today a random though and feeling ruind it. My though was that you don't need that, you won't be happy with that, you will be still sad,even that i don't was, but this made me... And my thoughs always want to persuade me that I have depression and i will always have... even that i know, and my therapist said it to, that i don't have, just a minimal, like i am more sensitive than others, but i not have deep depression... And sometimes my mind says that you have it and you never will feel happy, even that i was happy early today, but this ruind my day... Can this be OCD? OCD is only about "what if" questions, or OCD can make statements like "you don't deserve this, you won't be happy with that, or you will fail." Im just angry so bad, because I know that i want that console but this sh*t ruins it for me... and I always think when I'm like this that I will never feel gratitute and happyness, and than I freak out like omg why am i thinking like that, am i depressed?...

Unlike the most common types of OCD, my fears always come true. Let's take the easy example of turning off the stove 10 times just to be sure, it's all about the obession and compulsion. However my fear is to feel depersonalizated (i think i have this, not sure, for me it justfeels like being stabbed by 1000 knifes every second for weeks on end) so i try to avoid things that will make it happen. However, it keeps happening and it's devastating every single time, so much that i can't bear it at all. Your house catching fire likely won't come true, but me suffering intensely once i am triggered does, almost every single time, unless i somehow magically convince myself i just triggered myself and dp won't happen unless i let it by reacting strongly to the trigger. But it only worked like 5-6 times in my 4 years of suffering. I am still looking for a therapist to help me deal with this, but if anyone has any ideas as to what i could try or do i'd be grateful. Exposure doesn't work because the thing i am scared of comes true every time and i lose all control and cant think straight / really need guidance when it happens.

I just remembered I used to watch bestiality porn when I was younger, maybe around 11 or 12... maybe even child porn... should I bring this up with my therapist? I feel like a terrible person because of it but I dont know how to quite mention it because it's so disturbing and embarrassing.. I feel like a monster :(

Hello! I want to introduce myself, I am Pamela. I am currently pregnant 28 weeks. I have developed Harm OCD with myself and others. and I feel as if I have Pure OCD as well. I felt as though I was getting better but the thoughts have came back and they seem a lot more scarier. I feel like I can’t do this pregnancy thing and the whole family thing. I just recently quit my job because I can’t get adequate sleep at night anymore and My anxiety is soooo bad all the time, especially at work. I am also struggling with being afraid of developing what mental illness my mother had. I have been afraid of being possessed by a demon because I KNOW this isn’t me. I have always been scared of those kinds of things anyway, I had watched something with Jeffery Duhmer and a few other things and now I have been worried what if I’m like him , I used to think how could someone do those kinds of things and now I’m thinking what if I want to do those things?? what if I have no emotion? I haven’t been able to cry lately, i feel sort of numb and that also scares me because normally I would cry over a movie, or something silly. I want to cry, I want to be genuinely happy and I want to feel the way I did before I developed this terrible illness. I feel crazy to be even talking about my thoughts, and I feel stupid . I have started Zoloft maybe a month and a half ago and I am also worried that the medicine isn’t working properly and is making me worse. I haven’t stopped taking it but I definitely have thought about it. But I’m also worried that if I do stop taking it my anxiety and depression will get worse. Here lately I have been feeling like I will never get better and I just want to die, I have been wanting to birth this baby and just give her to my boyfriend and then go away , I don’t know where I’d go but I feel as though I don’t deserve to be here anymore. Im so tired , like exhausted but I keep pushing like I’m not. I keep pretending that I am happy. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please someone help me in what I need to do to begin my journey, even though I’m completely and utterly terrified to do just about anything because I’m scared of triggering these thoughts , or even new ones .. Please I am really not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to share what I personally have been going threw, and I want options on what I should begin with to get better ?

Can I stop having intrusive thoughts saying how nothing matters no matter what thing I’m interested in or happy/excited about pops up? I still do the things I like, I have my interests and ideas for fun, but it’s scary and annoying to have these unwanted thoughts and feelings show up saying how none of that maters, who cares, it doesn’t mean anything, and that this life has nothing meaningful or real to offer and how do I even know if I’m actually real (existential ocd) that I should kill myself because of it (suicidal ocd). These themes are awful and I just want to live my life, be surrounded by peace and happiness, and have these scary and fearful thoughts leave me alone!

Flooded by thoughts tonight. I can’t sleep. I’m so ashamed and anxious about how I think and what I’ve done. I’m terrified I’m a narcissist or sociopath and I bet anyone that sees me always posting about it is tired of it. But I can’t help it. Well I can... but recovery is just so scary. I’m especially thinking about the fact that I get embarrassed by people right now. And the fact that I care too much about popularity. Whilst I know I value my friends, I also know I have this horrible part of me that is ashamed to be seen with some of them. A part I wish to rip out. It feels like proof I am my worst fears. I care and have sympathy for people. I feel guilty. I can empathise with emotions and I’m overall (hopefully) not an awful human. People I know tell me I’m a good one. But I’m just so scared that I’m narcissist. I’m so flooded with doubt and anxiety. I saw a few articles a couple weeks ago claiming how this one fictional character was actually a clear narcissist or sociopath. And in his story, he too gets embarrassed by people and thinks too much about popularity. Since seeing the title of those articles, I’ve thought and spiralled about it everyday since. I am so scared. So ashamed. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be here if I’m a bad person.

A triggering vent. I need to get this out I’m having a rough day. The school I am planning to go to eventually has a huge thing going on where a bunch of the teachers are predators and it’s just setting me off so bad. I’m really depressed, my ocd is getting to me, I’m feeling hopeless more than usual. I can’t stop thinking about my ex best friend and how much I emotionally hurt her. I feel just as horrible as all these other people when I don’t think I ever did anything like that tho my teen years definitely make me question bc of something else that happened when I was 17 and “went out” with someone online and didn’t know how old they were and rpd something even tho it never got far at all.. But yeah. I miss my ex best friend and I was rly manipulative to her and hurt her rly bad emotionally and I feel horrible and scared and filled constantly with guilt even when it’s almost a year later and I never meant to do any of that!! I didn’t!! I had undiagnosed bpd but it’s no excuse. Like I need to keep going but I just wanna disappear sometimes. Luckily my therapist is giving me an appointment tomorrow. I just keep feeling sick and unsafe. Every mistake I’ve ever made in my life keeps eating at me and hearing all these stories of terrible people come to light is really bugging me out. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t wanna hurt anyone but I have. I feel like my life is over before it even begins. I just wanna be an artist. I wanna go back to childhood. Ugh.

how did you guys tell your parents you have ocd? did they take you seriously?

It scares me how literally every girl is obsessed with Harry Styles and Timothée Chalamet and I’m just... not. I can see they’re really attractive but I’m not that attracted to them. This is worrying because I always see things about ‘appreciating someone beauty but not being attracted to them’ as a sign as bisexuality or homosexuality. Like why don’t I like them if I know they’re hot and have good personalities? Surely I should be attracted to them?

My family is getting very frustrated with me for not getting a job during this pandemic, and it’s causing me extreme anxiety. The pandemic has brought up some contamination ocd that I didn’t know I had, and it is being compounded by the irresponsible actions of those in my household. Someone in my household tested positive a few days ago, and then negative a couple days after (the false negative rate is higher than the false positive rate), and so I’ve been extra cautious about staying at home and in my room. It’s not that I’m scared about getting the virus, I’m scared of passing it and causing harm to others. My family, however, has returned back to normal activities. They’re going to work or visiting others outside the home, ignoring the guidance of the cdc. They had even done this before the second test came back negative. They’re now getting angry with me for not wanting to leave the house (let alone my room) and not getting a job, mostly because none of them believe in the seriousness of the situation and think it’s all politically charged. I will probably be getting myself tested in a couple of weeks and move in with my roommate at my own apartment at my university (assuming a negative test), since he is more understanding of everything and is cautious. It’s not that I don’t want to work. If there wasn’t a pandemic going on, I would gladly be working somewhere for 40 hours a week and wouldn’t have a complaint. I’m just anxious about everything right now and no one I live with seems to understand.

NOCD therapy couldnt help. No one can. People kept telling me to try and help myself and I did I fought hard and I lost. Good luck to you all

I am in week 5 therapy. My thoughts are going all over the place. I would say one theme every 15 min. Every theme I though I was done with are coming back. Working hard on using ERP. But I’m not perfect and if I don’t even do what I was doing before (reinsurance with my boyfriend or googling) I still do some digging or self mental reinsurance. I don’t know what the ratio but it would say 65/35( 35 I handle thoughts badly). This morning I feel exhausted and very down. Kind of demotivated. Thoughts don’t stay as long as they use to but it’s like firework. It is such a hard period right I feel I have to tell myself be strong even though I feel so weak. Any people in recovery or recovered who have been through the same period and would have some motivation words for me :) ? Be brave all!

Before HOCD, did anyone else have a problem with this? Basically, I was scared that boys that I don't like, like me. And that made me so uncomfy talking to them because if they asked me out, I'll say no. I never dated either so HOCD is so hard for me ugh. I've had feelings for people but I never shared it with anyone because I was still in that "scared" phase or "embarrassed". Plus, I wasn't ready to date due to insecurities and fear. I'm still scared that it's a sign or something ugh. And when I tell people I'm not ready to date or I haven't dated, people would assume my identity. I've always had feelings towards boys, but never for girls (I only admired them). But with OCD, I don't remember if I actually liked them :/ I also fantasize about my past crushes and I remember imagining myself marrying them.

Message of love and hope for you teenagers! I had such bad OCD as a teenager, especially ages 13-16. I felt soo alone, like there was no way that anyone else was worrying about these “crazy” things. Now I’m a middle school teacher (I also teach some high school) and it blows my mind how many teenagers do have OCD. Just this past year I had 5 students who shared with me (or their parents shared) that they had an OCD diagnosis. Did you know that OCD about homosexuality and relationships is super common for teenagers? You need to know that it is VERY unlikely that you are the only student at your school with OCD. In fact, there’s a good chance that someone at your school has the same OCD theme as you. I’m telling you this so that you know you are NOT alone. When you’re obsessing about something during lunch, there’s a good chance someone else in the cafeteria is struggling with their OCD too. It’s so tough dealing with OCD as a teenager. So this is me sending you a huge hug and telling you that you are STRONG and BRAVE and NOT ALONE in this struggle.

Ok legitimately feel like vomiting. I can not deny that I’m turned on by boobs (in porn and stuff, not just like cleavage or women I meet). I’m so terrified. This has to mean I’m gay and I feel hopeless and depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. ERP will be awful for this because I will get aroused and that’ll just confirm my worst fear. I’m feeling reeeaaaaally low.

Is it normal when you try and ask yourself ‘Do I really want this/want to do this’ you feel like you can’t answer? With my sexual obsessions it’s like I can’t stick to my values and morals because every time I say ‘well I wouldn’t ever do that in real life’ my brain is like ‘but how do you really know if you don’t want to...’ so how can I stick to my values?

I am insecure. Verrrry insecure. And in terms of my PHYSICAL insecurities, it’s so bittersweet to me that I can get rid of them. Because whilst I’d be way more confident and happy, I’m also scared that I’d believe I’m the prettiest person ever. Which is obviously irrational and untrue. But... I don’t want to think that! I never want to be a narcissist. And ‘Narcissist OCD’ / fear of being one is currently my worst theme. So I just don’t know what to do. I look at girls who I believe are better than me, and they’re all so pretty, but often quite shallow / mean. And I know that sounds quite rude, but it’s something a lot of my friends think about them. For me, even though I am incredibly self conscious of how I come across to people and will probably forever be insecure of that, I do think I have a faaaairly decent personality! Sometimes atleast. So I guess what makes me anxious is the thought of losing weight (which is my biggest physical insecurity) and then becoming ‘prettier’. Because then I would be on the same page as the other girls I was just talking about. However, I worry I’ll think I’m BETTER than them, because I’ll also have the advantage of my semi-decent personality. I know this sounds so silly and stupid and maybe a little conceited (which worries me!). But I just feel stuck. I don’t like going out because I’m so insecure. But losing this insecurity could make me feel superior and I don’t want that at all. So what am I meant to do? Just to note, I know my confidence shouldn’t entirely be based around how I look... but it just is. That’s something I can’t change. I genuinely believe I need to lose weight in order to lose this insecurity.

I broke down crying because my dad mentioned suicide. I mainly struggle with suicidal ocd, have been for about 9 months. Got diagnosed and started therapy in March and I feel like I’m slowly improving, but of course get moments here and there. Not medicating for now. Anyways, today was feeling pretty alright, thoughts more in the backseat, in a good mood, I was excited to go into the pool with my family and catch some sun, celebrate Father’s Day, etc. So my family and I are sitting together by having lunch and my dad is talking about this tooth pain he started having last night. He was saying that it was getting so bad to the point where you would do anything to stop it. My mom joker and said “oh I should hit you on the leg or something to distract you from the pain” and my dad said “I meant more like a bullet to the brain”.... That stopped me dead in my tracks and I felt panic and an emotional reaction coming up. I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t so I politely excused myself to the bathroom. My parents knew what happened (they’re aware of my theme), so I went to the bathroom and burst into tears. After a little I was able to collect myself, breathe, and join them saying to drop it and continue eating. Not gonna lie it shocked me a bit the reaction I had. But I HATED hearing that. It was too much and I wish he never said that.

TW: Sexual intrusive thoughts, rape. I haven’t heard anyone discuss this theme, and I’m not looking for reassurance just feedback on how people feel/if others have experienced it. I’ve experienced sexual intrusive thoughts in many capacities-pedophilia, not being attracted, cheating vs. being cheated on, all of the “common” ones it seems. In the past I also struggled with rape themes and worrying if I would rape someone and also worried that my sexual encounters with my boyfriend and now fiancé were consenting. In the beginning of our relationship we struggled briefly with sexual boundaries and he has since become a really thoughtful sexual partner. I worked with an OCD therapist doing ERP for this theme among others for over a year, and despite having improved tremendously in certain areas I’ve seen my sexual intrusive thoughts come back in a mutated form. What I’m wondering about, and what I haven’t heard anything about so far has been people being triggered by hearing of events of sexual assault and/or the #MeToo movement. In no way am I defending sexual predators, but whenever I hear another story about sexual assault my ocd is triggered. I worry if I’m having false memories of what I experienced, if my fiancé is actually “bad” and if I should be with him due to having had issues around consent/boundaries in the past. I especially worry with “cancel culture” being so popular and the perspective that a person should never be given another chance/forgiven/educated if they make a wrong decision. (Again not defending predators-that’s a whole different realm) but I think especially in my generation people deserve the chance to be corrected and be able to learn. Not having willingness to learn/change and do better is the problem. I know in my heart my fiancé is a good natured person and I’ve never felt anything but safe with him. I hate these thoughts. Thanks for reading if you got to this point, I’d love to hear your thoughts.