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Today is such a bad day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I just want to disappear from this world. A disturbing memory about a real event that happend last summer resurfaced and I'm just so, so lost. I'm such a terrible person. Earlier I gave a kiss to my little brother, had a sexual sensation which felt like arousal (I know, I have no limits) and then somehow I got excited by the feeling and kept kissing him because of the excitment feeling. There's so much to handle. I just can't do this anymore. I'm seeing my therapist in an hour but it's pointless, there is no way out for me. I just want to die. But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

Iplease help me I really don’t want to be gay, these thoughts are starting to convince me I like it, I used to spend hours and hours a day talking to only girls, there has never been a moment in life before hocd where I’ve had sexual dreams or irl attraction to men, i even went to a all boys school and wanted girls, I’m 16 and ik people say that your still figuring life out, but honestly if I was gay why should I be depressed. Instant death or be gay ? I would honestly die instantly with my dignity. I don’t want to be gay but everytime I have a spike of reality and know I’m straight, I feel even more gay the next day. Reassurance is killing me! Has anyone else been convinced that they liked the thoughts( false attraction or false feelings) when I’m horny the thoughts feel like I like them and it makes me sick cause at the start of all of this I knew I was straight and knew this was all intrusive, I’ve had girlfriends since nursery and I’m still heartbroken about my ex girlfriend. I don’t see myself happy with a man at all, like the thought of going on dates,holding hands, kissing and shit like that don’t make me happy it makes me uncomfortable and feel weird, but saying this now It’s almost as if the more I deal with hocd the more the disgust and everything gets taken away and the more real this feels. Like gay sex would previously make me feel sick and like it’s a nightmare and make me panic and hyperventilate. But now it makes me horny well I force myself to think about it when I’m horny to see if I like it, previously this would make my dick shrink (sometimes still does) When I try to accept I’m gay I start imagining girls again, I just really don’t want to be gay, I was so girl crazy even at a all boys school, and ever since porn addiction I watched 3 fucked up vids but that can’t determine my sexuality. At the start I would spend like 10 hours doing sexuality tests and checking gay porn and hocd story’s to make sure I was straight and eachtime I was happy and the thoughts stoped for a while, But now it’s making me feel like I like them, I need help. I don’t want to be gay, my parents are fine with it but I’m not, and I’m even thinking about becoming a Christian to make sure, I was looking into conversation therapy if worse comes to worse. I don’t get how sexuality can change against your own will and how convincing hocd is. Like I was so happy being straight I just don’t get this Each day feels more like I like it and I don’t even know what’s going on, what if I’m just gay and scared. Like why is this happening to me ffs. What if I have to be gay, and I can’t even know for sure if I won’t act on the thoughts, like at the start I knew I wouldn’t but this has confused me all so much. Like what if I accept I’m gay and like it. Like I don’t want that at all, I just don’t want the gay lifestyle, sex with men/ getting bullied. Dates with men make me sick

Hey guys so I had harm ocd for the first time back in 2017 and it lasted till 2019. It was absolute torture. It was so bad I couldn’t stop crying I thought I was going insane. The therapist was trash and just wanted to throw me on meds but I don’t want any meds. The therapist didn’t even specialize in OCD. Somehow it went away and I’m been living a happy life for 9 months till it somehow came back. While I was good I would think about it and be like wow I’m really cured, but it’s back and it’s haunting me and bringing past memories and haunting me back how I used to felt. Now I’m convinced this is gonna stay for years and not go away and I’m gonna end up killing my family on their sleep. Suddenly become violent and listen to the urges. It’s so bad. I just want peace and live life like everyone else. But I can’t anymore. What am I gonna do. I can’t live my 20s peacefully anymore.

Hi everyone how are we all doing ? Even though this is a rhetorical question but I’m trying to help everyone distract them selves for a moment even me

I’m a Christian. I feel awful when I’m praying or worshiping and I get sexual intrusive thoughts about Jesus. I know he knows what I am going through and I try not to hold it over myself since it’s the OCD and not me, but I get ashamed about it anyways.

Guys... I didn't know I would post again so soon. I'm extremely sorry but I can't stop crying and I think I'll explode from whatever I'm feeling. I thought I was a bit better especially with the kind help I received from my last post, which, again, I'm really thankful for. I was ready to go to bed when a memory from last summer resurfaced. It has always been at the back of my mind but I've always tried to ignore it by telling myself that I didn't do anything bad, but now it has resurfaced with full power. I don't think I'm ready to share it here because it's so disgusting but it's related to POCD. I think I will need to confess it to my therapist tomorrow when I see her but I'm so scared. I'm scared she will have me sent to jail. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to talk to someone because I feel so, so lonely. (But then, at the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone because of how bad it is; I'm sorry, I'm so weird.) I'm sorry, I don't know what to say anymore. And I know I sound so dramatic but I promise that's not my intention.

Has anyone here overcome hocd

I’m having such weird random thoughts it makes me feel so alone sometimes :( can anyone else relate? I know I’ve been posting a lot but it scares me really bad.

Has anyone on here had COVID?? How were you able to distinguish between allergies and Covid... i can’t stop worrying about distinguishing between the two. I feel sinus drainage in throat, keep clearing throat, feel tickle in chest, and can make myself cough from it. Do these sound like Covid symtpoms :/

I am a student and I badly want to study. But these obsessive thoughts are not allowing me to do so. I am not being able to concentrate correctly because my focus goes on to the obsessive thoughts. I am completely getting backward in my academics. Could anyone give me some study tips which help me to study by overcoming my obsessions?? Plzz

Someone talk

Why do I feel doubtful like if I get intrusive thoughts it bothers me but when I say like my thoughts don’t defy me and I know I’m straight I get like a weird panic attack and feel doubtful even writing this makes me feel doubtful but I know what I am and I know what I want and know who I want to be with now I feel doubtful but I don’t like this feeling it makes me sad can anyone relate ???

So today I have been really, really tired for some reason and I was just filled with this thought about giving up the fight and just accepting that I'm gay. I was then filled with anxiety because of this thought which is why I know it's just the OCD talking. But I've just been so tired today and been on my phone almost the entire day because I've had no energy to do anything and I just feel like giving up the fight. Is there something I can do to help me win this thought? I slept okay last night and I have exercised and ate okay. I just want to know the reason behind the lack of energy because I feel tired every day no matter how well I sleep. I know this battle against OCD is tireing but I haven't even felt so anxious lately. I've been handling my OCD quite well actually. Today I've just felt like everything is pointless.

Hi guys, I wanted to share something with you. But I would like to apologise beforehand for writing and being like this. I never thought I would be such a terrible person. Well, here goes: For the past days, I've been feeling evil. Truly EVIL. I've been feeling like a person with no empathy, remorse or conscience. I can't recognise myself anymore. I feel like I am truly mean and rude. I really wish I were kind and understanding, and not just a few times a month or year, but all the time, every single day. I wanted to be a person who doesn't judge others, gives love unconditionally to others, respects everyone and everything, and never dares to hurt ANYONE. But I guess that wasn't my destiny. My destiny was to be an awful, disgusting and perverted person with a horrifying mind. I've noticed how I'm more irritated, especially with my boyfriend, even when there is no reason to feel that way. I've also noticed how I'm jealous of my friends, how I criticise and analyse people's behaviour even more often, even though I really don't want to do it because you don't know anyone just by looking at them, and how also sometimes I don't care enough, neither for the big things nor for the small ones. I've always had this bit in me but I hoped that I would change. I hoped I would grow up and be a better person. But, unfortunately, I haven't changed. I actually transformed into something worse. Much, much worse! I really feel like the core of my character is filled with traits of a monster. And I don't know how to change it. And that's all on top of my disgusting and terrifying thoughts about children and every single important person in my life. I just don't know how I got here. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to have a peaceful, happy life. I never wanted to be like this. Why can't I be a good, caring friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, and the most important of all, a human being?! I just don't get it. I'll always be evil no matter what. People may think I'm a sweet, nice person (yeah, right...) but they'll always be wrong because they'll never get to see what's actually going on in my head. Anyway, I'll stop now. I'm sorry for venting. I know how pathetic it all sounds. I promise, I do. But I really needed to do it. Please forgive me if you came across this post and had your day/evening ruined because of me (I'm not saying I'm special, I just really think sometimes words like these can cause a lot of distress). Thank you if you've read this. I hope you don't hate me. But it's fine if you do, I deserve it.

so long story short, i developed symptoms of OCD (with themes of being transgender rather than gay) after i was mentally abused by a guy i was friends with for 3+ years. i considered this guy my best friend. he would make a lot of offhand comments about me looking like a man, some i now realize were probably motivated by jealousy (he’s a transgender guy, i’m a cisgender lesbian on the “butch” side). he would always praise my looks for being boyish. i remember he used to make a lot of comments about my body hair, and how it was “cute”. my clearest memory of him messing with me was when i was in a fitting room, trying on dresses for a party i was going to later that day. i sent him pictures of me wearing them, and asked which ones he liked better. he immediately started talking about how strange it was to see me in a dress, and even got his friend in on telling me that i looked too muscular or masculine to wear it. i didn’t think much of it at the time, but i think that event really kicked this into high gear. in late february i outright asked him, “do you think i’m transgender? i like being a girl. i like using she/her pronouns. i’m insecure about these parts of my body, does this insecurity mean something?” i put all my trust in him. he told me that he thought i was a trans man in denial from “the moment we met”, and that when i came out to him as a lesbian, he “never believed i was attracted to women”. this still shakes me up to this day, though my obsessive thoughts have been getting better. i had to start going to therapy again because of this. even after all of my coping and getting better, i can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong with me. i’ve never had OCD-like symptoms before, and i’ve been tomboyish all my life. when people say my name or call me she, i tense up a bit now. it’s a stark contrast to january, when i was the most confident i ever was in my womanhood, femininity, and status as a girl who liked other girls. i’m so scared that i’ll never have my name or my pronouns back. what are your thoughts on my situation?

can someone pls talk to me.

If we are to ever manage (or dare I say, conquer) OCD, here are a few suggested statements to write down on a piece of paper and carry in your pocket that we all need to be comfortable with doing. 1. "I want to kill my spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend", 2. "I hope my parents die in a fiery car crash"; 3. "I love the Devil"; 4. "I am sexually attracted to children"; 5. "I want to stab my children while they are asleep"; 6. "I want to drown my kids in the bath tub"; 7. "I am in denial about being gay"; 8. "I want to go to Hell"; 9. "I am attracted to my brother/sister/mother/father"; 10. "I love the number 666 (or some other bad number)." These are just some examples. The point is to habituate to these kinds of thoughts that disgust you and, more importantly, learn that thoughts are not facts or an indicator of one's personal character. They are just passing thoughts to be acknowledged (not ignored) but not engaged in any way or given meaning or your valuable time.

ERP for pure o. Does it just mean not responding to the thought and carrying on with whatever you’re doing? I can’t imagine deliberately trying to imagine the thought is true ( like I’ve read about some exposures) Surely this would just make my brain believe it’s true even more?!

How do you deal with meta-type obsession thoughts like these : - Am I sure I find this act morally wrong? - How can I be certain I don’t want to do this? - What if ERP makes my fears come true and I act out? From what I understand, the ERP is to shrug and say maybe ??‍♀️, but it feels so real. I’m scared maybe I really don’t find illegal acts immoral enough and I could do something bad. Any tips?

Obsessively looking at every interaction I have with people I speak to and interact with even close long friends because I always see call out posts with ex friends or people who have spoken to the person getting called out and have these stories of what the person was like. I hate being terrified all the time. I never feel safe anymore and I’m depressed.