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I wished to change the world I don’t know how the world changed me.

Opinion, please? Y’all I’m getting really sick of this crap. I finally was getting over my harm OCD and was scrolling through TIKTOK, I’m a huge Disney fan, my room is full of Disney stuff. And anyways, these people have a whole like Disney house and I love it. The comments are HORRIBLE. Along the line is “Disney adults scare me.” And how they’re into kids stuff and what not. And that really triggered me and I’m scared. Like I don’t have POCD, I don’t like kids. I just love Disney but it’s making me super anxious and I just want to take down all my Disney stuff and hide it because people might think I like that kind of inappropriate stuff. I don’t it makes me sick to my stomach. But my ocd is trying to trick me into thinking I am ?. It’s already taken so much from me, I don’t want my love of Disney to be taken away too. I want a kid one day, and I want to raise them to love Disney but what if I’m a bad person. I’m already a shell of who I used to be, and I’m a kid at heart. But like I don’t want to hurt kids, I don’t want people thinking I want to. I’m nauseated writing this. Please help. I know I can’t seek reassurance but just I need to know what to do. Do I hide everything away? Am I a bad person?

i want to die. theres no point in me living anymore. why are my thoughts not horrifying me? why do i feel as though i want to be gay? that being straight isn't what i want anymore? why do i feel like im okay with it? i dont want this. im getting to a point where i want to kill myself. i dont want to live anymore. i dont want to live like this again. i hate myself. i dont want any of this. there is no hope for me - for the future. my parents tell me im not trying to get better but every day i try to not end my own life or hurt myself. i almost wrote a suicide note last night, for the third time, 'just in case'. my mother told me if i didn't try and help myself id be living like this for the next seventy years, but i dont want to live for seventy more years. i dont even know if ill make it to the end of this one. ive had enough, i can't take this anymore. i as a person dont want to die, i wanted to live my life to the fullest. but now it feels like theres no hope for me, i just want to make the pain go away. i speak to a therapist but nothings helping me at the moment, maybe it's my mindset. who knows. my parents dont want me on any kind of medication either. can someone give me advice? i dont want to end my life but i feel like it's the only option to stop the pain. ?

Self harm and suicide trigger warning - - - - So I did it again. I don't really feel anything. As I hurt myself I put myself down "I'm only doing this for attention" as I proceed to keep it to myself. I can't get over the shame and the guilt. I need serious help. I hate myself the most for having bodily responses to the intrusions. It if were just thoughts and images then maybe I would have reached out for help. But I'm in too deep. The moment I would mention "feelings of arousal" most people will take this as confirmation that I'm a pedophile despite me never having had these thoughts before. I am passively suicidal. I wish something would kill me. A heart attack, a car accident, cancer, anything. I am so tired.

"(pocd) sexual fantasies" TW: pocd, false memories, sexual language Info: 23, F, diagnosed with OCD - - - - - - - - I used to create fictional people to randomly to satisfy sometimes my romantic fantasies but mostly my masturb- sessions. I don't know how to explain this without sounding disgusting... I am so afraid that these "thoughts" expressed predatory or even r-pe behavior. I really don't know how... "Intimacy" (I mean intercourse) works between girls... I have heard a few things but I really don't know so I kinda imagined it with some logic and the few information I had... Most of my first (masturb-) fantasies, I took a more passive role... If you know what I mean (I apologise for not being too explicit) - these involved mature men or women with strong leading personalities. But after a while, I started imagining myself in a more "active" role (giving, instead of receiving, if that makes sense), being more confident... Thinking back, I believe the point of this was because I was so scared to be the active one (if that ever happened in the future) so I started practicing to be more "active" in my mind, the one who "takes control of the situation" (being the "top", in lack of a better word) - which led me to have fantasies where I was the one to lure the other person, to make her feel confortable, to led her to engage in intimacy with me. This all feels manipulation to me now (or sexual pressure). I would never force anyone to have s-x with me. But these fantasies of me being confident and "smooth with the ladies" (not a cheater of course... Just being more the confident in the relationship) make me feel predatory and even led me to think about r-pe. And it's not all... But me being more "masculine" (I apologise for employing this awful term) in these fantasies, I often thought of the other woman being shorter than me, more feminine, more cute, sweeter, acute voice, round/soft physical features, more young looking (which are traits I associate with children). At the time, that triggered my POCD but I (tried to) dismiss those thoughts. I wish I hadn't, now I regret them entirely… In conclusion, whenever I was the "top" in those past fantasies (I'm so sorry if this is the wrong term), the other women were more "child-like". A visual example would be those sweet typical anime girls... Not the overly exaggerated ones but the sweetness and "nervousness" of one. If it makes sense. In the following paragraph, I will reveal a particular fantasy (the one that is bothering me a lot) I had which happened two years ago: In this one, I'm taking an active role in this one (the one "touching") - so I lure her and make her confortable enough to let me undress her and touch her intimately. My problem is because she is the "bottom" (again, apologies for the awful terminology), I imagined her to be a sweet, shy lady, shorter than me, with a cute/sweet voice... (I'm average-tall) so I'm afraid this was a child instead of a woman because I didn't imagine her body per se (I don't have a body type nor she had a detailed face - everything was fairly blurry/not defined) but since she had child like features (both personality, height - she almost seemed to be the stereotypical sweet anime girl), I'm so afraid that I actually fantasized with a child. I must add that I was already struggling with pocd in this episode (and many other) and the entire time I was like "this is fine. She's the same age as me. I'm not doing anything wrong." I wished I hadn't fight it - I wished I had simply avoid having these fantasies instead. This is the one I'm most afraid of because it involves taking the virginity of the other person and so it's more perverted. I don't remember the face I gave her or even the body type. Everything is hazy and I'm making the worse possible outcomes. Another thing I should had is that I fantasized this "story" a few times (maybe a lot)... And it's the one who's giving me the most disgust right now (today) because I'm so afraid it was a indeed a child. *I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong!! That I fantasized with a child… I'm terrified…* I remember two versions of this fictional person. 1st she was 5"4 (kind of), long straight brown hair, dark eyes, serious expression, lean figure but still a sweet person. 2nd had the same height but short blonde curly hair, blue eyes, soft expression and round-face features, curvy body, sweet voice and still sweet. The second one is the one that is bothering me at all because she is the child-like fictional person that I've been obssessing about. I even tried to make a sketch of her face: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAHW1yyAjio/?igshid=t5hcl34za0f3 I'm so sorry for the horrible art so here's a picture of an actress that would resemble her the most (you just need to add the curly blonde hair). Her name is Molly Quinn and she appeared on Castle TV show: https://images.app.goo.gl/DVNyEQREVDi6CqAm8 (all links are safe. I promise.) I sometimes think (now) that, during the fantasy, she would appear younger… (as if she appeared 15 or younger) but At the time, I was afraid she was a late teens (16-17). At the time, I even tried to pay no attention to it. "it's my mind playing tricks. She's an adult." but… Now… I fear that she looked too young to be an adult… and more like a young teen with 13-14 (I don't know). I don't exactly know what she looked like… i don't remember everything and even back then, she didn't have much details too. She was fictional. Created in the moment. But… I feel terrible and frighten that she really was a teen or worse due to my "choices of facial characteristics that day". Doll-like… I feel such a pervert think back at this particular fantasy, not only because of the person but also the story. And I can't remember for the life of me how she looked like exactly. It was almost like, She had a different face every few moments... I didn't decide what I wanted. She was simply nothing in concrete. She sometimes appeared older, others younger... Hopefully because of my OCD. This whole thing seemed more like an anime… Where everything is weird and out of proportion. (big eyes and whatnot) The goal of the fantasy was: I just wanted a sweet lady with soft features for this fantasy… I don't know how teens look like… Not even adults. I don't notice… I truly don't care about my surroundings. Sometimes I notice a beautiful person and I wished I looked like that.. Or I want to draw that person (yes I like to draw) I'm a very passive person (in terms of personality)... I would never flirt or be "smooth with the ladies" nor I want to! (I just want to flirt with my girlfriend) Honestly, I always felt uncomfortable when someone liked me or even when someone else was more "flirty" with me... Just… No. My fantasies never involved anything dangerous (they were simple and nothing too weird, just a little bit, I think). But I'm really scared they might mean something bad. There's a lot of things I need to mention. To make this post more organized. Things I know for certain that it happened: - both fictional existed. And sometimes they would trade during parts of the fantasy... Ask my brain, I don't know why it would exchange. - the fantasy story, I remember. The luring, the undress, the touching, etc. - the constant "she's an adult" compulsion. I even imagined her in college. - back then, I thought "p" was attraction to anyone under 18 so I feared they were teens not exactly children. Things I'm not certain of: - I do think this second person is sort of a false memory. She did pop up in the fantasies but I don't remember when during the fantasy she appeared on. - I'm not sure... But a few days ago, I had the vague idea that, when this happened, I erased her faces so they wouldnt have a age. Again, I'm not sure! - I don't remember their faces and I don't remember what they looked like but I fear to have had fantasies by mistake thinking she was an adult but looked too young to be young... This could also be a false memory when wondering what happened... I have no idea what teens and young adults look like... When I was 14, I looked like a kid... Now, 14 y.o. Look like 17,18.... People even think I'm underage for the way I look... They assume I'm 15-17, when I'm 23, almost 24! I'm not joking... - this is a memory of a thought... I don't remember anything at all despite a few details... I know that fantasies or thoughts don't represent what we want. But I feel so bad... And scared. I have been thinking that, I'm a odd person who developed sexuality in a weird way. Until I had 16-17, I was asexual with zero interest in s-x but by that age, my interest on the topic increased and I began to have sexual fantasies [I started masturb- when I turned 20 (which happened by accident)]. Even my therapist found this odd. I was also mentally sexually abused by a family member (not physically). So I'm afraid that my weird development somehow contributed for me to be a "p". At it baffles me that I used to fantasize with strong, confident women and then move over to shy, cute woman... What happened? Did my tastes changed? Or was I merely trying something new? Did I become a "p"? Like I previously mentioned, I already suffered from POCD when these fantasies occurred (but this was during a good phase where I was like "I'm not a p") and I vaguely remember that the spike of fear interfered with some of them, which ultimately made me go into the reassurence-compulsion spree. The “I’m not a p”. My problem is I don’t remember which ones made me go into anxious mode… and I’m afraid that the one I described with most detail was NOT one of them. I also want to add that, two years ago, I thought the term “p” involved anyone under 18… and I was afraid the women I was fantasying with were not adults but late teens… but of course there’s doubt… and I may in fact fantasized with children. Update! (June 27th, 2020) I had an intrusive thought about this fictional girl in particular today and she seemed much younger in that thought and I'm panicking if she was actually 14 or something... I'm such a monster... I don't want to like 14 y.o.! It pisses me off that now 14 yo look much older than in "my time", some look older than me! People still think I'm lying when I say I'm an adult! I'm 23! I have so much difficulty in seeing people's ages... Update! (July 26th, 2020) I thought I had overcomed this. Today, once again, I got scared that I may have had fantasized (on purpose) with a fictional person 13-15 yo. This blonde fictional person, I think it's a false memory. I do have memory of her. I remember her. But when I was trying to determine whether or not she appeared in my fantasies, well, false memories MAY have appeared. I say "may" because this is a strong false memory. So strong that I didn't realize it could be a false memory until 1.5 month and half ago. Here are some reasons why I think this fictional person has a few shaky memories or why I think she wasn't 13-15. - again, there was 2 fictional people I was fantasizing about. One was brunette, long straight hair, skinny, short but serious expression. The other was sort of a virus/intrusive thought... I have little remembrance of her and how she fits in the story. She was blonde, short curly hair, blue eyes, chubby, short, baby face, light expression (you can see the drawing I made of her). - at the time this happened, I was attempting to fantasizing with adults but my brain wasn't letting it. I even gave them a background story how both of them were in college (in my country, you can only attend college if you're 17 or up) - when this happened, I thought "p" was anyone under 18 so I was scared that I was fantasizing with people that were 16-17, not under 15! (I also think I should mention that they had full developed bodies) And I have proof of that. This is a small portion of a letter I sent to someone, explaining my disease. (this was wrote September/October last year before false memories became a symptom): http://imgur.com/a/YuAalFL - I don't remember what my memories were of the sexual fantasy before the rumination. Now, the blonde one appears everywhere. And I'm not sure if she used to appear at all. - I have the vague memory that I erased her faces in order to not think I was fantasizing with a teen. But I really am not sure about this one... I could be lying to myself. **What I'm scared of?** That I fantasized on purpose with a 13-15 year old when I was 21-22 when this happened... I don't deserve forgiveness and I should be dead.

hi! simple question, has anyone stopped doing things they liked due to their ocd? for example, i used to run a fan account for one of my fav groups but due to hocd, i went on hiatus and now i’m kinda anxious to go back even though most of my internet friends will be there to support me! like, part of me wants go back but i’m also anxious ?

Does therapy really help for HOCD?

So, I feel like I’ve come to a really sad conclusion. I feel like I know deep down I would be turned on by a naked woman in front of me or something and that this is all lies. This whole deep down feeling is the worst. Like the constant feeling I know the truth and I’m lying?

I know this app is mainly for people who are struggling with this because it’s like a safe place to vent. But is there anyone who has recovered from this or seen some progress in some way? Genuinely asking for help I want to get better and go back to who I was before this. Okay so specifically how do I just break the cycle? I always think back to when I had my first panic attack about this and I remembered I let go of the thoughts even though I “felt gay” in that moment and I quickly returned to my normal self. I distinctly remember just not thinking or ruminating on my thoughts, and it was like nothing happened afterwards. I guess because this was before ocd took hold it was easier to do that or I was not thinking about it and I just did it. Anyway so now what I’ve noticed I’m doing this a lot lately: I sit with the thoughts wait for the anxiety to pass and then I get to a point where I feel anxiety about no anxiety. I get the “omg you’re gay now” thought then I feel anxious about the actual thoughts again. It’s a cycle that never ends, and it’s exhausting because when I’m not anxious and not reacting to the thoughts I get a sense of clarity for a moment and I don’t feel anything towards women. Just admiration, or admiration with some anxiety which COULD confuse me if i try to analyze it if anyone understands? So if you have anxiety you could question if that means attraction or not etc. And then I get a thought that says “what if it’s not admiration and you’re in denial because hello you’re not reacting to the thoughts so clearly you’re gay” and then I don’t react right away but then the thought is still there and it bothers me so much that it’s still there so that’s what ends up setting me off and I feel like I’m back to square one. Any tips or like things to say to the thoughts when I feel like I might spiral again? My anxiety is nowhere near where it used to be 3 weeks ago when I was basically paralyzed, but it’s still there, and I’ve noticed when I try to analyze my anxiety or anything it does feel more real but it’s just so automatic (the analyzing) sometimes I don’t know how to control it and that’s what causes me to spiral. Really asking for help because I am truly just done with this. I am so frustrated and I hate constantly looking up things everyday wasting my time, feeling anxiety and depression, feeling unmotivated, not feeling like myself, not being able to watch movies like I used to or read books, not being able to go places with my friends normally, and I hate wishing to go back to who I was before this hit me I just want to BE that person again. I am so tired. So if there’s anything at all that has helped you in any way please please let me know. Any tips or suggestions that I should say or do when I feel like I’m about to spiral again? Specifically I mean. I know I need to just accept the thoughts no matter what but I’m asking if there’s anything specifically that helped. Like meditation? Or phrases that helped to say to the thoughts etc. I really want to get better.

i really thought i was getting better and the symptoms were less, as i started CBT a few weeks ago. i have told my therapist, psychiatrist, and my mom that it has been better, decreased by an hour-hour and a half. but honestly, it feels about the same. maybe even worse. i’m not sure if i just want them to think it’s better, or if since telling them that it has decreased. i try so hard to resist my compulsions and do my exercises but for some reason i just can’t. i HAVE to do the compulsions or else this or that or whatever will happen. it almost feels like i’m stuck. i feel guilty because i’m not sure if i lied or if i genuinely thought i was doing better. i really feel like i’m never going to get rid of this and the fears are realer than ever, even though i know my compulsions won’t reduce the risk of these things coming true. i don’t know what to do.

Had my high school graduation ceremony and it should have been a happy moment. But I don't have much family of friends so it was kinda lonely. Also I felt I have no future compared to everyone else. I'm overwhelmed with mental issues and and not the smartest. I feel like I'm never going to recover and have a successful life

Major trigger warning: This will be a post recounting my experience with POCD so far and what led to it. It will not be explicit. Suicide and self harm will be mentioned. I was able to track down the date of when the POCD theme began by looking through the images in my gallery. I am currently in a headspace where I am able to ask, just how are our minds capable of spiraling so quickly? One intrusive image has been enough to cause me 2 months worth of hell. Before this single image, I had I never in my life thought of children in a sexual manner, but one image was enough to start something horrifying I was not aware the human mind was capable of creating. At the time of the image, I was able to look past it. But I fell into a trap; I ruminated. A majority of us are stuck at home at the moment which means we have a lot of time to think. After the image occured, I was unable to get it out of my mind. Why had it happened? It occured in the midst of an innocent conversation with a child. What does this say about me? Do I want to do these things to children? Am I a pedophile? Google search: intrusive thoughts Google search: ocd symptoms Google search: ocd subtypes I begun to internally investigate every memory involving children. What had been my thoughts and intentions? Where had I looked when interacting with them? Had I ever done something to my younger sibling? The list goes on. Then began the intrusions. Intrusive thoughts, images and finally, the sensations. They all revolved around sex and children, two concepts I had never wanted to have intersect in my mind. I began to avoid looking at children, real or fictional. On tv, social media, youtube videos. Whenever I did look I would check for signs of arousal. Intrusive images would occur. There would be reactions at times. Checking does not accomplish anything but I did it regardless. I had to know and needed to prove or disprove the worst. Checking and testing and ruminating and researching. A cycle I kept up with in a desperate hope that I would finally be able to come up with solid proof. I never did. I have experienced so much dread, self hatred, anger, disgust, confusion, and most of all, doubt. I spent many nights pacing around my living room convinced that I was enjoying these thoughts and that I had become a sexually depraved monster, that I was becoming one, or would eventually be one. I planned out my entire new life where I would not be able to hurt children. I would have to change my career path, buy a house in an isolated area where I wouldn't have to interact with anyone. Marriage and children were no longer an option. At several points I had accepted this to be who I was now, a newly awoken pedophile. But I could not "accept" this. Because it was simply not the truth. I isolated myself and punished myself. I would purposefully imagine self mutilation and myself dying. I felt a sense of bliss from the idea of death. I deserved it because I am becoming a monster. Notes were mentally written and tears were shed. There is so much more I could say. So much I have pushed out of my mind as a result from just how stressful and maybe even traumatic this has been. I am currently at a stage where I still feel the intrusions but they are not causing as much distress which is upsetting in of itself. I have reached the lowest of lows, and am slowly, but surely recovering little by little. I am hoping this will all be in the past some day and that I am able to forgive myself. Thank you for taking the time to read.

If you’re comfortable discussing... what are decisions or actions you’ve done in life in response to your OCD? Meaning, are there any decisions you’ve regretted or maybe weren’t the best for you, but it was because it was an OCD decision now looking back?

Does anyone on here have any good sexuality resources?? I don’t know if it would help my HOCD or not to look into it but I feel if I had more education I might be able to accept some things.

im stuck. i have hocd. it mostly got bad when i was around this one girl who is about ten years older than me. i DONT have a crush on her. however, she is super friendly and smiley and makes everyone laugh. it's impossible not to like her, if that makes sense. id consider her a sister/best friend figure. it's not in a weird way though if it sounds like it, nearly everyone else I know that's my age who knows her feels the same way, i just really admire her and wanted her to like me. i have social anxiety so i was particular worried that she and a bunch of other people hated me. when i was around her i would start to get disgusting and disturbing sexually intrusive thoughts which i dont want to go into detail about. they horrified me. at the time I didn't know i had ocd, so i thought these thoughts were me having gay thoughts, even though the thoughts were disturbing and horrible and i want to bleach my eyes every time they come into my brain. however, my mind has started to convince me that i had a crush on her, which sort of sparked my hocd but it didn't fully get bad until quarantine. but like i didn't? yeah i love her (as in i have a lot of love for her, im not in love WITH her) shes acted like a freaking therapist for me in the past but it's not romantic? i just really look up to her???? has this happened to anyone else? obviously not exact same scenario, but like a false...crush i guess?? i hope im not alone. i most definitely do not want to EVER act on these thoughts, however now they're super widespread over ALL girls. every single one. ughhhh. im losing my mind.

The most uncomfortable thing about this is looking back at my childhood and finding proof that I'm gay. At this point it just seems true and it's hard. I don't get why sometimes I feel ok and other time it feels like my world is exploding

Sometimes I worry that I don’t have ocd and that I’m losing my mind and that I’ll never feel better again. I was starting to feel really good last night and I thought it was finally over so I went ahead and did a lot of the stuff I enjoyed doing before this happened (the reason I had to stop was because certain things were triggering in either one way or another) but eventually I hit a point where I just could not bring myself to do something because it was causing too much anxiety. I got this horrible image last night in a dream and then I began to get a flurry of bothersome thoughts, so now I have 2 obsessions to worry about now. The first one is kind of in control but I’m just afraid what’s going to happen to my brain and I’m worried about having an episode in front of my family, who I’m supposed to be having a small dinner with today. I don’t want to tell them what’s going on but I’m afraid they’ll notice that I’m not well. I’m never present because I’m always in my head analyzing and ruminating and worrying. The feeling last night gave me hope that I could be myself again but I just worry that these thoughts will always linger and make me lose my mind. :(

I often get these urges to begin my life again by engaging in a long and complicated “just right” series of compulsions. I keep trying my best to not give in because this has cost me jobs in the past!! It is so difficult (nearly impossible) to resist.

hi everyone ? I’ve been dealing with POCD with false memory for about 3 months now and it’s been really difficult, right now there’s this memory that is really bothering me. About 2 months ago i was laying in my bed and having a really bad day with OCD and my sister who’s a toddler comes into my room and she climbs up in my bed and i was laying on my back. There’s this game me and my brother have played with her a few times where she sits on our backs while we’re on all fours and she jumps up and down like she’s riding a horse, she wanted to play the game with me and at first i didn’t want too cause i knew my brain would see it as something sexual but i thought no i’m gonna play it no matter what my brain tells me cause i love my sister and it’s good exposure and just f*ck OCD. While we played the game my brain kept telling me this is something sexual and what if you’re doing this cause you’re a pedo but i just ignored the thoughts and didn’t pay attention. Well today when i woke up the memory suddenly came back to me and now i’m questioning everything, is the game sexual? did i do something wrong to my sister? were my intentions sexual? do other siblings play this game or is it something i made up as an excuse to be inappropriate with my sister? am i pedo? etc. my anxiety is really high and i cant calm down cause my mind is telling me that i deserve to feel it if my intentions really were evil :( did i do something bad? do i deserve to feel this anxiet?

Hocd 16m I use to wank 5 times a day So I have hocd, and I can’t let go of the fact that I watched bisexual mmf and liked it, I only watched it 3 times and always came over the girl, even came before the vid even loaded so I didn’t get to see the acts, but idek I just can’t let go of the fact I watched it, I’m pretty sure this was because of porn addiction because I also ended up watching other fucked up topics and stuff like that, now the porn and gay acts don’t arouse me they make me feel sick, I’m only two days into no fap I think I watched these vids because of the oral thing not because the man was hot or anything like that, I have never had a crush on a man and always had crushes on girls, and like idek. I even got bored of these mmf vids and went back to normal porn and thought watching mmf was fucked up, but I can’t let go of I watched it and liked it