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i feel like i use codependency as a form of distraction i had a best friend of 8 years who i basically texted almost every other day throughout the day for years and we would have 5 hour phone calls or longer just analyzing each others lives and laughing and problem solving mostly her problems becuase i prefered it that way and then when my depression got bad she couldnt handle that i was distancing myself and i just was frank about how i just didnt want to talk to her about what was happening and she blew up and i apologized and she blew up more on me and that was my first spiral of like loss of identity and crying like the world was crumbling and everything she said in a long rant were like my worst nightmare coming true in regards to what you dont want a best friend saying to you and i had to call my sister at 3 am and get her to tell me everything is going to be okay and ask for reassurance that i was a good person because i immediately started to think everything she was saying was true i wanted to believe it to make sense of what was happening so i could fix it but i also knew there was no going back from that moment and i went through three days of needing to cry to other people asking people what to do i even cried to one friend and then said what if my crying is manipulating you into feeling sorry for me and im a bad person and i went into a desperate search to understand what happened and i eventually had to delete basically all my social media in fear of getting another angry or passive aggressive message from her but i was too afraid to block her but i couldnt handle reading her messages it would drive me into a state of panic and so i was obsessively searching codependent friendships and saw that narcississts and codependent people are drawn to each other and i immediatley was afraid i was the narcississt and just didnt know it because how would a narcisist know they are one? and i would save articles on articles about codependents and narcississts trying to get reassurance that i was the codependent one because i heard they could be helped at least and i feel like since our falling out right before covid i have been going through serious withdrawals from the constant love bombing and reassurance and identity and purpose i would get from our friendship and then i moved from trying to focus on that to focusing on my sisters depression and how to "fix" that for my family but really for me and then two weeks ago after my sister said something to get me to back off of trying to have heart to hearts with her in a way that was kind of mean but maybe not intended to be ... i started second guessing my whole life again and then i smoked weed one night and all of my fears and obsessions and childhood shit came up to the surface and i just went into panic attack crying break down mode like my ocd was trying to solve how i got here by finding proof of all the ways im broken and all the intrusive thoughts ive stuffed down and ever since ive been scared of feeling that low again and i think my ocd is feeding on how intense my fear has been since that first panic attack and yeah im just hoping with the right meds and these sessions i can feel more like myself again but also like an improved me ... more me than i was before but i also need to learn to take it one day at a time and be gentle on myself its hard but im trying ... the lows are so low that i want that immediate fix but im just glad i have you guys and this app

Question about reassurance: One of my goals is to move back into the master bedroom with my husband. I've had a timeline for this that just continually gets pushed back due to my responsibility and contamination fears and exposures I've had to go through (I go to the hospital a lot due to another health condition I have). And I'm too scared I've picked up covid at the hospital and will give it to him. I know reassurance is bad for ocd, but I think I need encouragement and reassurance here to get into the master bedroom. I really do feel like I need him to say, "Cat, it's okay, we're safe. You're safe, you're not sick, we are going to be okay, move into the bedroom". I feel like I need him to push me or I will never do it. It's been months of me saying I want to move back in by this date. Tomorrow is our 8yr anniversary and I had really really REALLY planned on being back in. But due to an exposure I had yesterday I really cant. The thing is there will always be exposures. Theres always going to he something ocd makes me fear. I really need someone pushing me. I dont have an ocd therapist. Just a regular psychotherapist so shes not super helpful in this area. Can i get your thoughts on encouragement in this scenario?

I'm so sorry for reaching out but I need help... I just need a calming voice... I'm so sorry... I'm always asking for help... I keep thinking that I somehow m-Lested a kid 3 years ago... Idk what to do... I'm afraid I did something wrong because this is when my pocd thoughts started. They began as "are you attracted to this girl??" and it was during that day. I can't stop ruminating and ruminating and this has been going for 10 months or so. It's been hell. It started as groping, now it fully developed to "touching down there" She loved me! I have text messages from her older sister (my friend) that she told me that she had loved me. She was 8-9 at the time. I don't remember ever making her feel uncomfortable. But I'm afraid I did something wrong and she didn't notice or that she forgot about it. I never touched someone inappropriately, never! That I am sure. I'm so afraid of everything. I don't know if I'm a "p" or not because I don't understand my own sexuality due to unsolved childhood problems. My head is a mess, my life is a mess. I'm so afraid of getting help too... I'm so afraid of everything... I also remember feeling guilty that day but it could be because I had those thoughts and that I played with her in the pool (I gave her a piggyback ride) I don't remember every second of it and I have unclear images in my head that she sat on my lap and touched her inappropriately. I hate myself so much... I hate my life.

everybody vent what’s going on or what you’re stressing about. this is always a safe space 🌤🤍🌈✨💗

Anyone getting accommodations in graduate school? I’m starting graduate school in two weeks. I’ve always gotten accommodations for my autism and I’ve more recently added ocd and depression to my diagnosis. I’ve been approved for them for grad school but I’m scared my professors won’t accept it. The further I get in education the more I worry people will think I shouldn’t need accommodations, and also the more I worry I’ll be the only one. I know I need them and I deserve them but what I never know is how other people will react to it.

When did you hocd start and at what age.

anyone with hocd want to talk right now? I feel alone and confused atm :(

I can't deal with how blasé my partner is in regards to corona virus. She touches surfaces and then touches her hair without washing her hands. So now I think corona virus is in her hair and the she will lay down on the sofa or in our bed and everything is contaminated. Arrrrghhhhh she keeps doing it and it's driving me mad!!!! There are no safety behaviours that I can do to avoid her doing it. What can I do????? I think maybe I should just accept the risk and and just not worry about it as I can't do anything about it but it makes me resentful of her. It really is driving me mad I feel she is cintaminated and now our whole house.

Is there a therapist on here who can tell me what ERP’s to do on here? I have HOCD. But I also have weird thoughts that pop up for women now and that has gone on now for a little less than 2 yrs now. I caused it by overdoing my ERP for HOCD. My concern is that by doing ERP for women to quiet the weird thoughts that pop up will only make the HOCD thoughts louder and vice versa. Obviously quieting the HOCD thoughts means increasing the thoughts of women but since I get weird thoughts that pop up for women it’s not a great feeling either. For the record I already know some of you guys on here are therapist who act like a person who has OCD to make us feel better about ourselves and that we’re not alone. I don’t have money for therapy so please if someone can help me with this on what to do cuz I’m having sleepless nights and obsessing over this stuff too much.

Hi I am new to this app and didnt know what else to turn to. My parents dont understand me at all.. my ocd or anything I go thru. I have almost 2 years clean from drugs, have extreme anxiety, and pretty severe OCD and trich. I am just having a really hard and traumatizing week. Two nights ago my freezer caught on fire( which I didnt even realize was a thing) and there was no one there to help me. I was frozen in shock and I just switched the breakers off until my apartment maintenece could help in the morning. Of course I didnt sleep bc I just kept thinking it was still going to catch fire. The power has gone off 3 times this week.. once while I had a cleaning service here to help me clean my apartment( which is a hard enough exposure for me anyway, to let other people in touching all my things especially during covid). The last thing is I have been worried for a while that there is something physically wrong with me (my dad is a physician and I have physical symptoms to back up this theory). I wont share my symptoms cuz that could take a while but as someone with Ocd you think are all of these symptoms real/fake and related/ unrelated issues that I should or shouldnt worry about. Well my concierge doctor called me with intensive lab results they did as a result of my worrying and it turns out my ANA is pretty high and she wants to refer me to a rheumatologist. ANA being high is the first sign of an autoimmune disease. She was trying to write my fatigue off as sleep apnea but they did find something pretty significant in my bloodwork. Im just really scared. This is too much for me to deal with and worry about. I just feel like shutting down, I cant deal with this all by myself. Any advice or just support? I do have an Ocd therapist, have been thru exposure therapy, and currently take meds for it.

I don't know if this is ocd related but I'm scared I'm not feeling emtions or thinking like a normal person. I've only lived life through my eyes and point of view, what if I'm not doing it right? What of I can't think or feeling anything right and I'll lose it and go crazy. I'm scared I'll never think right again...I really need help with this😣

Tw: suicide but please help if you can . . . . . . Today I was accidentally exposed to something waaaaay too high up my hierarchy and I cant handle it. I'm at the point of planning suicide. I've come up with a new plan and I really feel like it would spare me the pain of ocd and my fear playing out. I was already on a crisis line today but cant share the urge to hurt myself. The crisis worker tried to help me but I honestly felt like I was just wasting their time and they could have been helping someone else so I said I was fine and got off the line. I'm not, I cant stop this overwhelming urge. I know we are supposed to sit with discomfort but this one is a lot. I keep imagining different ways to hurt myself and I'm itching to do them.

I need some help. I'm doing really badly today. It because a real trigger actually happened. I was doing so well up until now, weeks and weeks went by of me doing really well. Then last night I came across something disturbing online and now I'm back to square 1. My brain keeps making up stories about it and telling me I'm a bad person.

How do I move on from this obsessive thought? I verify accounts at work, because if my stress anxiety and focus, I double check things. I feel like I have to report myself even if I did verify because I can’t remember clearly. Mind you I excel at my job and just developed this problem. Now I have in the back of my head I didn’t properly verify accounts and the doubt/guilt is like you owe them something but I don’t remember anything and I know I do my job right I just want to cry and escape this misery. I don’t want to quit I love my job and I am one of the highest performers. How can I erase the doubt and guilt associated with the irrational memory if the anxiety that made me feel like I didn’t do my job right?

i hate stereotypes so much.

Hi, I need a wee bit of help. I realise I've posted alot on here lately and Im concious everyone else needs help too so I will try to help others as best I can but I am in the middle of erp at the minute and struggling everyday. Due to corona virus I hve a ritual around washing clothes. I strop off clothes that may have been cintaminated frim outside and I put them in the wash basket. When I am doing the washing I'm so careful not to cross contaminate do I bring the dirty washimh downstairs and then I wash my hands an the basket that I touched, and the washing machine handle and then my hands again before I put the clean washing in the basket to hang up. I rarely let my partner do the washing as I know she thinks this is over the top. She did the washing today and I'm having anxiety as normally the clothes sit in the basket for 24 hours before I do the washing and clothes that were in the basket from being out last night were on top. She did none of my cleaning behaviours so now I am freaking out that the clean clothes are no longer clean and that corona virus is all over them and the house. Again If it was a totally irrational fear I coukld rode out the anxiety but corona virus is real so now I'm scared that we will get it. What do I do?? Are my behaviours that I have outlined over the top irrational?? Did she do the right thing?? Are we safe??????? Please help.

What keeps you guys going on your hardest days?

I just realized I never had a sex dream about boys but I got it with girls after hocd omg!!!! Im so scared. What doest his even mean!??. I don't want girls at all. I only want boys and only them. I saw a dream today that I was rubbing my vagina on another girl and I feel so disgusted but I'm not anxious or panicking. I'm so scared I'm gay. Help!!! I've been crying and Im getting self destructive thoughts every now and then

Is there anyone I can talk to?

I had a OCD “low” today and my main theme is HOCD. Though today my brain latched onto the thought I have BPD/ Cluster B personality disorder. Has anyone’s else’s ocd done this to them? I don’t want reassurance I just don’t know whether ocd can actually do this as it’s not HOCD.