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the NOCD Community

To everyone that struggles with rocd: Im going to tell you all about my experience with rocd until now. It was horrific at the beginning. I cried all the time... I was in so so much pain. I tried to get a therapist but there was no one with free space for me. I even got to the point where I said that I would go into stationary Therapy. (Which I’ve always denied even though I fought against bad hypochondria). I then finally received a therapist. I have already found out about rocd and I hoped I could get diagnosed with it. But he triggered me even more, saying that I live in denial. I then left and eventually got a good therapist who tried to understand me. She wouldn’t diagnose me too until I asked her it might be some form of ocd. She then told me that she hadn’t thought about it and it probably is. She supports me ever since that day. Helping me find techniques to get trough everyday. It sure gave me reassurance at the beginning but soon it stopped. First I thought that I might not even have rocd( that’s a very common thought that still follows me) and that I just don’t love him. I was helpless. But then I notice that my therapist can be a great support, but that I’m the only person to help myself! I need to learn to understand myself and be good to myself. I have an answer, a tipp to help you. Endurance: Endurance is very very important! EVERY FEELING is TEMPORARY. I ve helped myself a lot by simply telling myself: ,,I know that I feel bad and I know that it’s hard but it’s temporary and it’s going to get better“ By everytime that I have had meltdowns, the periods where I felt fine got longer. Right now even up to the point where I feel love! Believe in yourself! Endurance is so important. Acceptance: The same thing. „I know that I feel bad but still, I’m going to stay. I’m okay with feeling bad.“ There are so many up and downs! But thats a part of the recovery! Very common thoughts during those two points are: ,, I don’t feel pain does that mean that I don’t care about him anymore“ ,, I’m not feeling love right now, I’m afraid that I don’t love him anymore“ „What if I’m never going to love him anymore“ Everyone knows how real rocd can feel, but DON‘T make decisions in a state like that! Promise yourself that. You are going to notice yourself feeling better! Because feelings are temporary! Don‘t force yourself to feel love! You won’t feel anything because of the pressure. Instead of trying to feel love, try focusing on having a good time with him anyway. Don’t look at the bad. Be happy about every success you have! My current state: To be honest, it triggers me to write about all of this, I’m afraid that someday I’m going to break up anyways. I feel anxiety but IT'S OKAY. Everyone fears losing loved ones. I still feel bad sometimes. It doesn’t feel nice. But I don’t have extreme meltdowns anymore. My last one must have been 1/2 months ago and I’m proud for it! I barely thought that I could be happy again. I am able to wake up without thinking about something bad. I am able to be happy. I am able to feel love. I am able to face bad thoughts. I am able to enjoy my relationship. There are up and downs. I’ve learned that. And if I can do that, you can too! I feel anxious right now, my heart even aches but it’s fine. You need to know that it’s fine and that YOU ARE NOT ALONE I believe in every single one of you. Excuse my English I’m German... And have a great day/evening! ?

Today was the worst Christmas ever! I woke up with cramps in my tummy PLUS the thing that triggers my ocd fear was on my chest. So of course full blown meltdown, hitting things and everything else while I cleaned my bedroom and the bathroom. Then shower. Then checking the bedroom. It took me a little over five hours to complete. I don’t have anyone to talk to while I was hysterically crying and trying to deal with my ocd. It’s so hard. Life is not fair. I bet I was just as bad as Hitler to be subjected to my mental illnesses. I don’t know what I did to have to live like this. There are people deliberately hurting and killing animals and other humans. The only good thing was that I didn’t feel nausea nor panic attack-which is extremely rare for me.

POCD need help Got diagnosed with POCD 3 years ago and find ERP really hard as it feels like I’m wilfully fantasising. Keep seeing pics of children and I don’t want to harm them at all but I keep getting thoughts that I’m attracted to them sexually / find their bodies sexually attractive and it sends me into a panic but it feels real like I can’t deny it and like I’m a non offending P.

Hi, I don’t really know how to start this. But anyways, I’ve literally just downloaded this app Cus i was YouTubing some ocd content. Basically for as long as I can remember I have suffered with this, all the intrusive thoughts, hand washing, CONSTANT routines and exhausting rituals and things I have to do in order to stop myself from feeling like something terrible is gonna happen. I have good days and bad days, but my bad days are really bad to the point I just want to cry all day. Only thing is I haven’t even been diagnosed. I just freak out about going to the doctors because when they diagnose me I’m gonna have to tell my boyfriend/family and it’s just too much to even think about. I don’t want them to overthink it and fuss over me and tell me ‘just stop doing it nothing bad is gonna happen’ cus that’s all well and good but I can’t stop it and I so wish I could. I recently opened up to my sister in law about it because I just couldn’t deal with it anymore after years. And she was so understanding, she had been diagnosed with depression and paranoia so she slightly understands, she called the doctors for me and they arranged a day to go in. I just really don’t know what to do. I so badly want help and so badly want to feel better I’m just stuck wondering what happens after, will I ever get better? A lot of my family suffer with mental health and are medicated and I never wanted that:( i just don’t want this anymore. This app seems amazing and I’d love some advice if anyone had anything, Sorry it’s so long, thank you for taking time to read it. Also merry Christmas

My ocd convinces me that I’m a bad person because my ex best friend left me due to us fighting because of my ocd :( have any advice?

So... I’ll spill my own tea haha I had a really bad break up two years ago, I really felt that he was “the love of my life” we had such a good connection and I felt like melting every time I saw him, but he cheated on me, twice... He was jealous and kinda controller... I had to break up with him even though I was like so in love and I got really depressed because he immediately started dating with that girl and then he got married very quickly... so I was caught in a loop of emotions and thought that I was not able to stop (as an ocd person you know how this works) I felt so confused, my ocd got harder, I stopped eating, I lost a lot of weight... I was pathetic. So I went to therapy and medication and things started to work out and blah blah blah So I met a really nice guy and we started to dating this year and now I’ve been with this amazing guy for 4 months and I KNOW he is the best thing that could ever happened to me, he is kind and honest and sweet (and way more good looking than my ex haha) BUT I keep feeling like we don’t have any chemistry at all, and telling myself that I don’t love him because I don’t feel the same as I used to feel with my ex so I started to feel like I don’t really like him, looking for flaws in his face or personality and to have the urge to break up with him every once in a while... He is very shy and serious so maybe its matter of time, or maybe it’s me forcing me to feel something... idk I know this may be my ocd because I remember one time with my ex I felt the same, I looked at his face and felt totally uncomfortable, not “in love” as I thought I was... but it didn’t happen as much as now with my bf I’m going crazy, I feel horrible for been making this comparison :( and I feel mean and angry with myself:( hope someone could help me with this, please ? Also I’ve been avoiding therapy since I knew my psychologist’s wife have cancer and I feel like I am going to be a burden to him ? Help :(

I’m brand new to this app, but I’m really hoping to learn more about strategies for dealing with my OCD / mental compulsions (mainly intense visualization and analysis). I think I basically have a type of relationship OCD. My OCD started about 3.5 years ago. I never had any serious OCD issues prior to this. I did have a history of anxiety in adolescence though. My OCD started a few months after I first began dating my wife, when I was 24. We have been married for just over 2 years now. A few months after we first started dating, I discovered that my wife basically almost had a foursome with her ex boyfriend during her previous relationship with him. The “almost foursome” happened about three years before my wife and I started dating. I was completely shocked by this information because I knew that she had only had sex with one other person before me, her ex boyfriend, which was true, and still is true. So it was definitely surprising to learn that she almost had a foursome in the past. The issue for me was further complicated by the fact that I used to be really close friends with her ex boyfriend and with the other couple who was involved in the “almost foursome.” We all basically grew up together. So anyway, when I first discovered that she almost had a foursome during her past relationship, I basically had a panic attack, went totally silent, heart was racing for about 20 minutes. And then from that day forward, the OCD kicked in, and I started performing mental compulsions. I believe a lot of my issue is the uncertainty of not knowing exactly what happened and what it looked like. The fact is that my wife and her ex were in college. They got really drunk with another couple one night. Someone wanted to have an underwear party. They all ended up getting naked eventually. The other girl mentioned the idea of a foursome. They get into a bed. My wife starts making out with the other girl for a few minutes. Then, the other girl starts making out with my wife’s boyfriend for a few seconds. My wife gets jealous, realizes she doesn’t want it to go any farther, gets out of the bed, and tells the other couple to leave. The whole thing probably only lasted for 5-10 minutes, and it was basically nothing more than naked kissing, which is why it is true when she said she has only had sex with one other guy. Anyway, this whole thing was totally out of character for my wife, which is why it was so surprising and confusing. We have a great relationship in a million ways, but my OCD is the biggest problem. For the past 3.5 years, I basically get triggered every day by anything that reminds me about this incident (kissing on TV, talk about sex, threesomes, foursomes, girls making out with each other, the names of the people involved, etc.). When I’m reminded of this, I feel anxious, insecure, incredibly jealous because I’ve never had a threesome or a foursome. I’ve had more sexual partners than my wife, but it still makes me incredibly jealous and insecure. This leads to my obsessions / compulsions. For my compulsions, I basically get stuck in a loop of visualizing exactly what I think happened in as much detail as possible. It’s like I’m watching a movie of the event. It took me a long time to realize that the visualization / analysis was the compulsion, but I discovered this after working with a highly experienced OCD psychologist. The main reason I’m posting all this is because I’m desperately needing some new ideas for coping or exposure therapies that could be helpful. When I first started learning about mental compulsions, etc. I learned about audio loop tapes that you can create to help expose yourself to the triggering ideas or events. So I tried this for a few months. I basically recorded myself reading a narrative of the events that I obsess about, the foursome thing. However, after working with the psychologist, we realized that the narrative, the visualization, and the analysis are all actually part of my compulsion. I think I’m so desperately wanting closure, certainty. Deep down I think that my brain thinks that if it 100% knew what happened, then it could move on, and get over it. But logically, this will never happen of course. I am wondering if anyone had any suggestions for dealing with an obsession / compulsion like this? The best strategy I have found so far is simply “noticing” that I’m having obsessive thoughts and feeling the urge to visualize. I try to sit with the anxiety and the urge for as long as possible, but I usually fail. The best things the psychologist taught me were to stop asking my wife for more details when I felt uncertain about what happened. My psychologist realized this was “checking” for reassurance. It would temporarily relieve some anxiety but it would always end up leading to more and more questions and more anxiety. I wish I could design a more concrete exposure therapy. It’s annoying dealing with something that is all in my head, and it’s so easy to obsess and visualize without anyone even knowing it, that it makes progress difficult. Does anyone have any suggestions or strategies for dealing with intense visualization and analysis? Thank you all for your support!

My OCD convinces me I'm attracted to my brother and it kills me

How do you all control your panic attacks???

I had a very creepy dream where I was running around in some building where i knew it was an odd Catholic church and I was avoiding it but at the same time trying to see what was in there and all of a sudden I started seeing ppl getting possessed and killed! I saw a person all bent backwards with its skin looking like acid had barely been thrown on them and at that point I had felt the devils presence and I was super scared so in the same dream my ocd mixed in I began mind chattering about the devil to come for me and he did! He literally encarnated in like an old lady with an evil smile with a black hood on and he had cold long bony fingers reaching for my neck he was trying to choke me! I began speaking scripture upon him and he began to back away from me slowly but wouldn't go fully I felt like it wasnt working! It wasnt until I mentioned "the blood of Jesus has power!!!" That he completely disappeared. I woke up and I felt really scared about it that while tryna fall asleep again I was still thinking about the such force he tried wrapping his fingers on my neck and since I was laying on my bfs chest at that time apparently I had my wrist right on his throat and he gently moved it off so now I'm like what if the devil was tryna make me kill em ?? my head's hurts quite bad I'm even shaking

Is it a compulsion to constantly test scenarios in your mind? I’m always testing what I like and I don’t stop until I feel like I get to the bottom of it but recently I feel like it’s getting nowhere and just making the thoughts seem more real.

As I said before My new thought is about not loving him for the person he is, but for the way he treats me. Only liking his hugs and love ... it worries me. I want to love him for the person he is. Im worried about just using him to make me feel better... He would NEVER deserve to be treaten that way :( Anyone that can relate or tell about what the did about that thought?

I wanted to try & get pregnant this year. But bc my anxiety & HOCD have been so bad this year Idk if I should. Makes me sad. Idk if I could handle all the thoughts with a baby. I just wanna be me again ??‍♀️

Philippians4:7 I know you expressed a little while ago that December 23 is hard for you. Just have a couple things in mind for you I think would help (of course all of you are welcome to use this) 1. It’s just another day. Jon Hershfield instagrammed a caption that read “There are no such things as December or holidays, or a new year, even ‘Thursday’ is just a construct to arbitrarily label this current revolution around the sun. The only thing that’s real, that’s not a story is this moment. 2. When a thought comes to your head ask yourself if it’s productive or destructive? Depending on the techniques you use to relabel the thoughts you’re having, or strategies you implement, that is the perfect day to do it. You will be so proud of yourself that when the date comes up again you will know how to handle these feelings, and your brain will gear to it automatically. 3. Remember the thoughts are only worse because of the memory to it. You go through these thoughts all the time and it’s no different. There is no such thing as time, etc etc. Again, they are all labels. 4. Again, do the strategies! One thing I can recommend is that what goes on in your head is none of your business! Happy holidays and I know you can get through this tough time. Remember Jesus loves you and focus (non compulsively - I can’t stress this enough!!!) on scripture. Distract yourself, use mindfulness, self care, and recreate a bad memory with a new one. Listen to a sermon, fave song, and maybe some motivational music or something. Always have a can’t back down attitude. Everything passes! Thank you for reading :)<3

I’m not sure if this is OCD related but it causes extreme anxiety. Are there any vegetarians/vegans here? I was once a vegetarian and had to go back eating meat because I would bruise very easily. Then I became flexitarian and pescatarian. Now I’m craving meat but the problem is I’m feeling guilty because I’m an animal lover and an advocate and I care about animal welfare. And unfortunately majority aren’t humanely treated. I don’t know if it’s OCD related but it really causes anxiety for me. That if I eat meat I’m a horrible person and that I’m a hypocrite.

I need help. Possible trigger. I finally got out of bed and walked around the apartment barefoot (I usually have some kind of protective wear on). I’ve always been scared of something stuck under my feet. (Like I would step into a mouse/rat poop unknowingly and squish it with my foot(feet) and get it stuck and that if I carry it back into bed again unknowingly, somehow it’ll go into my mouth and I would swallow it while I’m asleep). After I was ready to go back to my bed, I check my feet and what do I see? Two black spots. At this point I’m freaking out. A part of me wants to shower and other part of me wants to say f-this and go into bed. I took some pictures as I slowly got into bed. I’m crying too so now I’m triggered by my bodily fluids. I’m now laying down and not sure what to do. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m scared I have something in between my toes. Im trying to remember one of the exercises I did with my therapist about rubbing “mouse/rat poop” (which was really just a lint. But who knows maybe one was actually a poop. Like maybe one day I will step on mouse poop) all over my face and body. I’m acting like a five year old throwing temper tantrum. Yes I cried and screamed and yelled. I have a hard time controlling my emotions when I feel threatened. I ended up removing them with rubbing alcohol. But I feel everything is dirty. My bed, my legs that touched the spots, my face from crying, I want to clean everything but I know that’s not what I should be doing.

I often wonder if I am the only person that has had nearly every type of ocd. I swear I can relate to all of you guys on here and I don’t know if that is normal or not

Does anyone else experience having a tight feeling in the throat that can last for hours to days?

I had to nap because I had a meltdown. I woke up to a nightmare about the man I love (my ex/but supports and cares for me). In my dream he told me he was getting treated by two nurses. And one wore something a bit revealing. He came back and I saw the video of his treatment (don’t know why-dreams don’t make sense just like ocd I guess) and I instantly got angry and jealous. I have body issues. I’ve been dumped over my body parts and it didn’t bother me at the time, it does now. I pointed out about the nurse with cleavage showing clothes and he said “yea, she has an amazing body. I love her!” That triggered me. I jumped on him and a little silly but I was biting and scratching his face. I thought if I can’t have him no one will and got off of him to go stab this nurse. That’s when I woke up with tears. I’m scared what if I do it in real life. If he meets someone and I get really mad and jealous because I’m not the one he wants to be with? You hear so many stories about deranged jealous exes killing. Last night I thought I saw he was talking to one of his ex and that alone really made me anxious. I’m really jealous of his exes and any woman he talks to. I tell him I wish he were gay. I had so many nausea, panic attacks and melt down I really thought I was losing it. That I was going insane. For a while I was just looking up at the ceiling and I don’t know why but I started to sing twinkle twinkle little star.

Another nausea, panic attack and meltdown. Just spent three hours “stuck” in the bathroom.