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Having a breakdown after an old friend mocked my traumas and made it into a joke (being sexually coerced by a con sugar daddy to do sexual favors in a bar basement). First he comforted me about this when I opened up to him and made me not feel bad about the past. I understand some friends don’t think it’s something I should stress about and that it’s not that serious, but it was just too soon for me. He has some sociopathic/narc tendencies and I used to be his friends with benefits in college. 5 years later, he randomly messaged me saying he had a dream about me and invited me to visit him in Florida. Last minute he changed his mind and he said it was a drunk horny decision he made to invite me. I was so disappointed because I’ve been so lonely in this pandemic and was planning for this trip. He felt weird after opening up to me that since he was little he felt he was a sociopath. So I went off of that and would joke sometimes with him with clinical terms. He would get sensitive about it and I guess in return made jokes about things I opened up to him about. We have a weird dynamic of hot and cold. My brain is still wired to feed off of other peoples words, so the trauma he joked about I have been having intrusive thoughts about today with anxiety.

my best friend just told me that she’s mad that she’s the only one trying to make an effort to hang out and that she’s exhausted trying to be my friend. i don’t blame her, i am a shitty friend and i don’t make an effort to make time for her, sometimes i make excuses so i don’t have to hang out with her. it’s exhausting for me having to talk and carry a conversation and do things an have fun with other people, it’s demanding and whenever i have to hang out with people i have to put on a persona and act like i want to be there. sometimes it’s nice to be around people but a lot of the time i just want to leave. i’m an introvert, and i don’t think my anxiety helps. i feel so bad, she deserves better than me:/

I’ve been ruminating non-stop over the last several months about whether I’m in the right relationship, so much so that I find myself evaluating every moment that I spend with my partner and how it “could” have been better. It’s challenging because the relationship does have a bunch of issues that need to be worked through, and my partner tends to be avoidant person (probably because she grew up in an overprotective environment combined with no previous experience with relationships). Having to coach her every step of the way feels overwhelming when I myself am struggling to bear the weight of my anxious/depressive thoughts. Our relationship started right about when COVID was picking up, which makes me wonder whether the relationship is the root cause of my anxiety, or if my anxiety is making me view my otherwise okay relationship negatively. Some days I feel like breaking up would make me feel much better, other days I feel like this may be as good as it gets. Doesn’t every relationship comes with its issues? What if I’m not going to be any happier off seeing someone else either? I also have a deep-rooted fear that if I give up on this relationship I will be left alone, unlovable, and miserable for the rest of my life. I tend to be super critical of myself for most things (and that has served me well on the career front) but I can’t help but wonder if I’m inadvertently being picky about my partner’s qualities. At this point, the conflict in my head is raging so hard that I don’t care about the outcome of my relationship – I just want to feel at peace with myself and secure in the decision I arrive at.

Having a really rough/emotional day today. I just don’t know if I want to marry my fiancé. I have no reason aside from how I feel. He’s an amazing person, yet I can’t shake this feeling that I might not want to be with him. It’s like every time I think I feel good about it, some sort of mental/emotional block stops me. If I were to break up and call off the wedding, maybe my doubts and anxieties and this horrible feeling would go away. That’s what I think sometimes. I also have a hard time believing it’s OCD and not just my body trying to protect me. I hate that I do this to him. Our wedding is 6 weeks away, it can’t be easy for him to hear this. I’m so thankful for his patience. But it hurts me to do this to him.

i know i’ve asked this before but i keep reading articles about soocd and they almost always say that someone with soocd had previously been completely comfortable with their sexuality and hadn’t questioned it until their soocd. but that... isn’t me. i DID question my sexuality begore, i DID have thoughts from time to time like “am i gay?” that i let go of quickly, and my ocd started when i accepted that i don’t need labels and it’s ok if i am not straight if i’m not. i can’t remember how it started, i don’t remember the exact moment, i didn’t have that immediate sinking feeling when it started. i did block the thought by audibly saying “no” when a thought popped into my head. i did feel anxious all day, i did confess to my mom what i was thinking, and she kinda gave me reassurance and i felt better for a little bit and then it got bad again. i feel like i can’t have ocd because mine started so differently, even though my symptoms are the same. it’s possible that when i questioned my sexuality before that was soocd starting but really mildly, because i wrote about hating it and not wanting to be gay, but i can’t be sure. anyway what i’m wondering is does ocd always have to start immediately and to people who were previously confident in their sexuality? because i think mine started slowly and i had questioned my sexuality before. does this mean i can’t have ocd? *sorry for any spelling errors, im rushing to post this so i haven’t checked it

I think of maybe having an apartment to myself, and being very happy. But then I think of my boyfriend not being there with me and get sad. This “happy” feeling is bothering me because I don’t want it. I want to be happy in OUR apartment. When I think of leaving him I cry. But I don’t want that to turn into a happy feeling too, the thought of me leaving him. Am I just staying out of guilt because he’s been here for me since day one? Is anyone else going through this? I feel like being single would be fun and to explore the world. But at the same time, I love my boyfriend so much and I don’t want to feel happy when I think of being single. I can’t leave him. We have a great apartment together, 2 cats, and he has ALWAYS stuck by my side. The least I can do is do the same for him right? But then again I shouldn’t stay out of guilt. We JUST moved in together a month ago and I was the happiest girl alive. We bought all this furniture. He bought me my dream bed frame, and room stuff. Someone please help. Is this OCD? Or is this real because of that happy feeling?

Any advice on how to maintain momentum in our journey to recover from OCD? I have been so good at not doing compulsions the last few weeks but this morning I feel emotionally and physically drained and all I want to do is compulsions. 😔 It is just exhausting refusing compulsions after compulsions. Ocd is like an addiction. It takes a lot of self control and determination to break out if its control over our life.

Mentions of suic*de! I'm safe don't worry! Sorry for the big post, but is anyone else noticing a new obsession coming on and you KNOW it's ocd? My new obsession is the classic "what if I don't recover, what if that lasts forever" ext. What really set it off though (whether this is a separate obsession or not) was something really exciting I found out yesterday! My favorite video game of all time is getting a sequal that's coming out next year that fans have been waiting to hear about for a year and a half. Nintendo came out yesterday and said "well, we're still busy making the game perfect so you'll hafta wait for further updates, BUT in the meantime have this whole PREQUAL!" And gave us a trailer! It comes out in November and I'm SO excited!!! It's Zelda's first ever canon trilogy! But despite being hyped, my heart hasn't stopped racing. There's this thought in my mind that comes to the front everytime I get excited about buying the game. It says "What if you're not better by then. What if it gets too much and you're dead by then. What if you're dead and you don't get to enjoy ANYTHING in the future, let alone the game". I struggle with suicidal thoughts at the moment, but I'm determined to get better. So for self guided erp I've just been saying "yeah, sure, maybe I won't get better. Maybe I'll be at my worst, who cares. I'm still getting the game". It's scary in the moment. 😅. Anyone else have a similar fear? I'd love to hear it and talk about it if you'd like! I'm sure this is a popular obsession. :)

I feel sad and guilty everyday. I can't get out of it and to be honest, I don't even know if I want to. Everytime I feel a tiny bit better, the waves of sadness come crashing me down and I feel lost and alone again. I can't fight anymore, I don't know how. I feel that even if I confessed to my bf, I wouldn't stop feeling this way because then just another thing pops up which I probably did wrong. I don't know how to live with this constant guilt, it is sucking the life out of me. And if I try to take it with me or not take it seriously, I think "what if you are just using ocd to cover up that you really did a bad thing" I can't go on, I have no hope left and I feel so desperate

Okay I’ve been pretty proud of myself for not seeking reassurance as much this week, but I’m really struggling rn. TMI warning.... I posted a while ago about the lump on my vulva and how it was getting smaller but now idk. It seems to have just went deeper under my skin and is a bit smaller than a dime. I can move it around, too, and it doesn’t hurt. The only way I know it’s there is because I purposely look for it. But anyways, what if it’s not getting better? What if i have cancer? I just a post about cancer on my Instagram and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I know people who have survived cancer— I mean my aunt had a huge tumor for years and is now fine— yet I think it’s an automatic death wish if there’s even a possibility I have it because I’m terrified of death. I don’t want to die. But I’m also too afraid to see a gyno. I’ve had a doctor look at me down there before (just my gp) and she made me feel stupid by telling me I should go to my mom next time I have questions... now I think my fears are invalid. I also am just nervous at getting looked at again in general since it’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I get very embarrassed. So it’s either I give into my social anxiety, or I give into my cancer obsessions. My therapist even told me that going to the doctor might not give me a straight answer and I agree, but I feel the urge to go SO bad and I’m so l fucking conflicted at this point. Some people say to go asap and some say to wait but AHHHH ITS SO CONFUSING.

I think I’m done with therapy. If it makes me depressed that all I can do is work mediocre jobs all because I have an arousal feeling and weird thoughts preventing me from actually looking at a chick like regular then so be it. Working out and working as a dasher is all I need in my life then. I’m tired. I have better things to do then to sit here at my job not doing shit. And no don’t give me the same bull shit that what’s wrong with sitting here and not doing shit if you’re getting paid? It’s fucking stupid as fuck. I’d rather be at home chilling not doing nothing not getting paid. At least I can watch TV or a movie right about now. I mean I can’t read a book but that’s fine. I can’t even remember why I first started to read books anyways to be honest. I’d rather just workout work here and there and chill. I’m not worth it at all anymore like I used to be. All I do is workout and chill and eat healthy most of the time who has weird thoughts preventing me from having a normal life. I’m looked at as some weirdo now so I’m really not worth it to a women now so no point in trying to be my best self if no therapy at all is going to help me be my best self whoever that is cuz I honestly don’t fucking no what my best self looks like.

Is anyone afraid of what thoughts they’ve had before OCD hit? Like is anyone else afraid they had sexual thoughts that they could’ve enjoyed before OCD hit? Or like what if I’ve had groinal reactions before but never noticed.

Can you guys help me with a bit of a plan? I have my thyroid biopsy in Monday. I have two fears: 1) that I will actually get sick and be turned away at screening 2) that my OCD will make me think I'm sick and I will forgo the appointment out of intense feelings of responsibility, guilt and fear. I think I need a plan in place to manage my OCD if number 2 starts happening. I really cannot afford to let OCD stop me from going to this biopsy. It took months to get because of the pandemic and I cant afford months more because OCD decided to rear its ugly head. Any thoughts on how I can keep calm and be strong enough to be reasonable for my appointment? I've considered just getting tested on friday to prove to myself I'm not sick but im not sure of that feeds OCD and even if it does, does the reward outweigh the risk? Thoughts?

The onset of autumn and back to school has always been an anxiety trigger for me. I've never known fully why I get a horrible sense of danger and safety seeking in the autumn but it's always been there. My whole life has followed the school calendar, obviously as a student, but then I went on into social work in a school setting and now work at a college. Autumn has always been the end of a calm and beautiful summer and the beginning projects, stress, and family holidays around the corner. On top of contamination and health ocd in a pandemic, my annual autumn anxiety is rough. Especially this year. Not only is it project central at work now with deadlines and targets and pleasing executive administrators, 2020 Autumn brings with it "threat" of a second wave. I feel so much extra pressure as my work is based in events fundraising and everything I have done before is not an option anymore. I'm starting from scratch, making everything virtual. Trying to be creative and fearing myself getting sick and not being able to execute, or a loved one getting sick and I'm bombarded by anxiety and care provisions rendering me useless at work. I'm armed with therapy, cipralex and soon a SAD lamp coming from Amazon. I suppose knowing ahead of time the kind of battle I'm in for mentally is helpful. I need to be prepared and remember to fight back ocd screaming in my head that we arent going to be okay. Anyone else struggle with autumn or weather triggers? Its harder to sleep, harder to wake up, and I always feel a bit like shit. I LOVE christmas time but this year will continue to be scary and sad. I cant believe anything could ruin christmas for me, but here we are.

Does ocd try and trick you and sneak into more places right as you’re starting to feel better?

Does anyone have existential ocd here? I would love to exchange a few words with someone that has it.

sleep has been very hard for me lately i feel like during the day if im around my mom or sister i feel better i have distractions but sleep is so hard my thoughts wont rest the death stuff is so intense when i go to bed and especially when i wake up its like the first thought there of like youre lucky you woke up like this is another day youre alive but one day you wont wake up and one day your loved ones wont wake up but once i see my family in the morning and have breakfast with them i tend to calm down but at night i need a mouth guard, weighted blanket, lavendar lotion, a white noise machine, a sleep eye mask, melatonin and lately i even have pulled out my childhood blanket because im that desperate for night time comfort my mortality is a big theme on top of my sexuality in all regards like a mystery i never stop trying to solve the p*** theme is the only thing that makes me go well this has to be ocd because i mean i definitely cant be that but i think ive been using ocd as a new compulsion to comfort myself like oh its ocd that theme is common for ocd you are doing the ocd thing again... and yeah i get incest related stuff, was i molested related stuff, am i gay, am i a p***... i think for me like maybe a lot of people on here have had relationships and sex but for me i havent so i think i always start with that like reminders of my loneliness and virginity and just lack of milestones and experiences make me go down those paths to find the answer there has to be answer of why im like this and roads are endless asexual, bi, gay, p*** and so on and it all pushes on me at night something about sleep has always been hard... the idea of getting relaxed and just letting your mind lose consciousness that has been a challenge since i was in middle school maybe even before ive found ways to deal with it like taking melatonin, zquil, weed (a few times), falling asleep to tv or just like if i have a good routine sleep was better like exercise and going home exhausted enough to sleep but yeah idk i think because i know im supposed to be doing erps on my own i get nervous about a new day when im supposed to read stuff i dont want to read and i feel guilty that i havent done the exercises as much as i shouldve especially as my next therapy appointment is two days away and yeah but mostly im just tired i take melatonin but i dont get nice rest ... i dont wake up rested i wake up ready to throw myself into distraction i will say during the day it feels pretty easy to drown out the thoughts compared to last month when i had three bad episodes but since starting this app and therapy i guess i have used that as reassurance that my thoughts are wrong because i have a condition and during the day i can fight that but at night and right when i wake up i guess im at my weakest? anyway just a long vent but yeah thought id share im hoping to get good sleep soon 🙏

It feels like I legit want to break up with my partner. I read something about “why you shouldn’t stay with your high school sweetheart” yesterday, and now I’m questioning whether I need to break up with him and find myself, travel, etc. even though I couldn’t even do that because I can’t afford it and we are both full time college students. The thing is I feel relief and somewhat of a happiness when I think of leaving and being single, travelling. But at the same time I start panicking because I think “that shouldn’t make me happy” and “that is so selfish, he has stayed always by your side and all of a sudden you just want to leave and be single?” And this makes me cry. I think about hurting him and cry, panic, etc. I was just obsessing about something else 2 days ago. Did I finally figure out what I want? I don’t know anymore. I think the thought, feel like I want it, try to let it go then think “what if I don’t want to let it go?” Someone please help. I’m so tired.

Best way to use this app without getting the therapy aspect? I’ve gotten therapy in the past and now just want to practice what i learned. Is there anything I can do with this app besides create a hierarchy?

I don’t know how I’ll ever have sex with my husband again. We haven’t been intimate in a very long time, probably a month and a half. I don’t know how to start or feel like I’m into it. I feel like I need to think of feminine things to get aroused. I feel like my journey with HOCD will never end. I feel inadequate. I don’t even like my relationship and think frequently about other men or if I would like to be with a woman. I don’t like my relationship because at this point we are roommates and I don’t know how to initiate intimacy anymore. I don’t even kiss him. I’m truly struggling and incredibly depressed. I feel miles away from him and at this point, I’m not fully convinced there’s anything I can do to make it better. Part of me wonders if random sex would be easier because there’d be no pressure on myself. Tl;dr insanely depressed over deteriorating relationship, most definitely due to my own OCD and inability to have sex.