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the NOCD Community

OCD Station :) . Down below in the comments it’s a place to vent. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. If you need help. If you need someone to talk to. Or if you just want to say hi. It’s an open place :)

Is anybody else in a great relationship but is having trouble being in the moment because they’re afraid they’re secretly a lesbian in denial? It’s so distressing because if these worries and obsessions turned out to be true, it would basically invalidate the whole relationship. It’s causing me soooo much anxiety. Like every time we kiss instead of enjoying it my brain is going “am I feeling anything/enough?” Etc etc very distressing

I'm panicking a bit, I woke up to multiple bug bites in groups of two around my ankles and on my back, so naturally, I googled it. It said that it may be bed bugs, and it's making me feel disgusting. Does someone else also experience this? If so, was it bed bugs? And if it was bed bugs, how did you get them out?

*Checks time* Yep, seems like the perfect time for a 2:00 am depressive episode. This is very triggering and me documenting my own experience so please read with caution. I don't feel anything anymore. I am dead inside. Very little brings me joy. I cry about five times a day. I feel nauseous often. This is about the time I start leaving relationships. Cutting off friendships. Locking myself away in my room. Eating less. Losing interest in hobbies... breathing. I just don't care anymore. I am exhausted with reality, I am exhausted with this painful joke of an existence I have. I don't even know if it is OCD anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so massively fucked up inside. For some reason, I am somewhat convinced that maybe I secretly am just a really malicious person. That the thoughts I have had are valid (Harm OCD) and say something about my character. The funny thing is, I'm not even actively having the intrusive thoughts lately but just the fact that I have had them bothers me. And I feel like my brain is always on defense, ready to fend them away when they do come. "Do I love him? How do I know I love him?Do I really love people? Why am I here? What is wrong with me? How do I fix this issue? Why is this happening to me? Am I making it all up? Am I crazy? Maybe I'm a psychopath... maybe these thoughts keep coming up because hurting people is the only thing that will make me feel alive and good again...god, I don't want to hurt people--" And the list goes on. The dialogue is incessant and pervasive so much so that I can't even hear it anymore. My mind is like an active beehive and I have to cope with the insufferable buzzing that permeates through my skull 24/7. I can't pinpoint any particular thoughts anymore because it is just a constant hum of activity and chaos. My skin is crawling because of what is nestled inside. I am so incredibly uncomfortable right now in my own body, like never before. I feel like my body is an itchy wool sweater I'm squirming to get out of. I just want to take a vacation from my own mind. Why is my brain doing this to me? Why won't it ever allow me to be happy? I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel safe and comfortable within my own mind and body again. Is that so much to ask for? Anyways, this is already a novel but I figured it is better to let it out than go to bed sobbing. NOCD has become my Livejournal (if you're over the age of 20, you probably got that reference). Have a decent Thursday... May we all overcome this demon and many more. 👹⚔

Skin care tips for skin-picking disorder please!! On top of/related to my OCD I've had lifelong skin picking disorder. Anyway I had a bad night and I've picked away at two areas on my face (I don't even have acne just random spots I've picked away at) which are now huge bloody scabs and also a patch of bleeding nastiness on my lip. Every day I tell myself I'm NOT going to pick the scabs off and then before I know it I'm picking them off and they're bloody again. Recs/tips for 1. How to stop picking the damn scabs off and 2. Any products you've used that will make this heal faster??? It is hideous and too bloody to cover with make up :(

just realized i’ve been doing mental compulsions this whole time

Does anyone else know they didn’t do something but than they can’t be certain they didn’t ? I have intrusive thoughts that make me terrified I have abused a child. One minute I’m positive I haven’t and the next I can’t be 100%. I end up going over a situation so much I add details that then become real to me and make me doubt myself more. For example, I just changed her diaper and now I’m terrified I did something I wasn’t suppose to even though I know I didn’t. But now I’m sitting here concerned I did. How do you cope with this?

I don’t have any anxiety. Does this mean I need to break up with him? The thought gives me peace somewhat, but at the same time it still makes me sad. Maybe it’s my body not being able to process this anxiety anymore? I’ve been panicky for the past 7 days non stop, so maybe this means my body physically can’t be anxious anymore? I love him. I do. But idk what else to do.

so i’ve been dealing with this theme of being scared of not seeing my boyfriend for him. the constant intrusive thoughts of “what if you’re transphobic” “what if you’re bigoted” “you don’t see him for him” and all this terrible stuff. so as an exposure i’ve been watching trans tiktoks and videos about being transgender and learning how to be a better ally and i’ve been doing this for the last three days and i don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing tbh cause yesterday i looked in the mirror and all of a sudden i looked at my chest and my head goes “what if you’re trans” and i really hope this doesn’t get out of hand as well it’s so hard. my head is so jumbled up right now

Hi guys. So my main theme that I've had for many years is mainly harm OCD/violent intrusive thoughts. I've had a couple other themes like inappropriate/unwanted sexual thoughts. I've been able to have some quite successful "remission" periods from these thoughts over the years- although they can still pop up and cause some problems every once in awhile. I've had the harm OCD thoughts about people that I love (which is typical), both about my family members and about my long-term boyfriend. These themes haven't bothered me for a bit now, but a few days ago I started worrying about what if I start analyzing and preservating on how I act when I'm with my boyfriend and then I'm unable to act "my true self" because I'm focusing on it? how I act normally with him is so natural, but what if I start focusing on it and ruin that? Or what if, since we've been together for a year now, I'm not interesting enough or funny or whatever? what if he doesn't love me as much now? I know that these thoughts are irrational, and he tells me he loves me so much and I know he does, but what if I start focusing on how often he tells it to me or his tone of voice? this is bothering me because it's not like me to doubt his love or worry that I'm not going to be able to act like my "normal self". it just kinda freaks me out because when I look at information about ROCD it doesn't really seem to be what I'm experiencing- I'm not constantly questioning if our relationship is "the right one", I'm worried that I'm somehow going to ruin it. Is this an OCD thing that happens to people? Is this normal? I'm not suffering as much as I have in the past when I've been really stuck on an OCD thought/theme, but it's still bothering me enough to make me randomly cry. any input would be appreciated. thanks

Having a breakdown after an old friend mocked my traumas and made it into a joke (being sexually coerced by a con sugar daddy to do sexual favors in a bar basement). First he comforted me about this when I opened up to him and made me not feel bad about the past. I understand some friends don’t think it’s something I should stress about and that it’s not that serious, but it was just too soon for me. He has some sociopathic/narc tendencies and I used to be his friends with benefits in college. 5 years later, he randomly messaged me saying he had a dream about me and invited me to visit him in Florida. Last minute he changed his mind and he said it was a drunk horny decision he made to invite me. I was so disappointed because I’ve been so lonely in this pandemic and was planning for this trip. He felt weird after opening up to me that since he was little he felt he was a sociopath. So I went off of that and would joke sometimes with him with clinical terms. He would get sensitive about it and I guess in return made jokes about things I opened up to him about. We have a weird dynamic of hot and cold. My brain is still wired to feed off of other peoples words, so the trauma he joked about I have been having intrusive thoughts about today with anxiety.

my best friend just told me that she’s mad that she’s the only one trying to make an effort to hang out and that she’s exhausted trying to be my friend. i don’t blame her, i am a shitty friend and i don’t make an effort to make time for her, sometimes i make excuses so i don’t have to hang out with her. it’s exhausting for me having to talk and carry a conversation and do things an have fun with other people, it’s demanding and whenever i have to hang out with people i have to put on a persona and act like i want to be there. sometimes it’s nice to be around people but a lot of the time i just want to leave. i’m an introvert, and i don’t think my anxiety helps. i feel so bad, she deserves better than me:/

I’ve been ruminating non-stop over the last several months about whether I’m in the right relationship, so much so that I find myself evaluating every moment that I spend with my partner and how it “could” have been better. It’s challenging because the relationship does have a bunch of issues that need to be worked through, and my partner tends to be avoidant person (probably because she grew up in an overprotective environment combined with no previous experience with relationships). Having to coach her every step of the way feels overwhelming when I myself am struggling to bear the weight of my anxious/depressive thoughts. Our relationship started right about when COVID was picking up, which makes me wonder whether the relationship is the root cause of my anxiety, or if my anxiety is making me view my otherwise okay relationship negatively. Some days I feel like breaking up would make me feel much better, other days I feel like this may be as good as it gets. Doesn’t every relationship comes with its issues? What if I’m not going to be any happier off seeing someone else either? I also have a deep-rooted fear that if I give up on this relationship I will be left alone, unlovable, and miserable for the rest of my life. I tend to be super critical of myself for most things (and that has served me well on the career front) but I can’t help but wonder if I’m inadvertently being picky about my partner’s qualities. At this point, the conflict in my head is raging so hard that I don’t care about the outcome of my relationship – I just want to feel at peace with myself and secure in the decision I arrive at.

Having a really rough/emotional day today. I just don’t know if I want to marry my fiancé. I have no reason aside from how I feel. He’s an amazing person, yet I can’t shake this feeling that I might not want to be with him. It’s like every time I think I feel good about it, some sort of mental/emotional block stops me. If I were to break up and call off the wedding, maybe my doubts and anxieties and this horrible feeling would go away. That’s what I think sometimes. I also have a hard time believing it’s OCD and not just my body trying to protect me. I hate that I do this to him. Our wedding is 6 weeks away, it can’t be easy for him to hear this. I’m so thankful for his patience. But it hurts me to do this to him.

i know i’ve asked this before but i keep reading articles about soocd and they almost always say that someone with soocd had previously been completely comfortable with their sexuality and hadn’t questioned it until their soocd. but that... isn’t me. i DID question my sexuality begore, i DID have thoughts from time to time like “am i gay?” that i let go of quickly, and my ocd started when i accepted that i don’t need labels and it’s ok if i am not straight if i’m not. i can’t remember how it started, i don’t remember the exact moment, i didn’t have that immediate sinking feeling when it started. i did block the thought by audibly saying “no” when a thought popped into my head. i did feel anxious all day, i did confess to my mom what i was thinking, and she kinda gave me reassurance and i felt better for a little bit and then it got bad again. i feel like i can’t have ocd because mine started so differently, even though my symptoms are the same. it’s possible that when i questioned my sexuality before that was soocd starting but really mildly, because i wrote about hating it and not wanting to be gay, but i can’t be sure. anyway what i’m wondering is does ocd always have to start immediately and to people who were previously confident in their sexuality? because i think mine started slowly and i had questioned my sexuality before. does this mean i can’t have ocd? *sorry for any spelling errors, im rushing to post this so i haven’t checked it

I think of maybe having an apartment to myself, and being very happy. But then I think of my boyfriend not being there with me and get sad. This “happy” feeling is bothering me because I don’t want it. I want to be happy in OUR apartment. When I think of leaving him I cry. But I don’t want that to turn into a happy feeling too, the thought of me leaving him. Am I just staying out of guilt because he’s been here for me since day one? Is anyone else going through this? I feel like being single would be fun and to explore the world. But at the same time, I love my boyfriend so much and I don’t want to feel happy when I think of being single. I can’t leave him. We have a great apartment together, 2 cats, and he has ALWAYS stuck by my side. The least I can do is do the same for him right? But then again I shouldn’t stay out of guilt. We JUST moved in together a month ago and I was the happiest girl alive. We bought all this furniture. He bought me my dream bed frame, and room stuff. Someone please help. Is this OCD? Or is this real because of that happy feeling?

Any advice on how to maintain momentum in our journey to recover from OCD? I have been so good at not doing compulsions the last few weeks but this morning I feel emotionally and physically drained and all I want to do is compulsions. 😔 It is just exhausting refusing compulsions after compulsions. Ocd is like an addiction. It takes a lot of self control and determination to break out if its control over our life.

Mentions of suic*de! I'm safe don't worry! Sorry for the big post, but is anyone else noticing a new obsession coming on and you KNOW it's ocd? My new obsession is the classic "what if I don't recover, what if that lasts forever" ext. What really set it off though (whether this is a separate obsession or not) was something really exciting I found out yesterday! My favorite video game of all time is getting a sequal that's coming out next year that fans have been waiting to hear about for a year and a half. Nintendo came out yesterday and said "well, we're still busy making the game perfect so you'll hafta wait for further updates, BUT in the meantime have this whole PREQUAL!" And gave us a trailer! It comes out in November and I'm SO excited!!! It's Zelda's first ever canon trilogy! But despite being hyped, my heart hasn't stopped racing. There's this thought in my mind that comes to the front everytime I get excited about buying the game. It says "What if you're not better by then. What if it gets too much and you're dead by then. What if you're dead and you don't get to enjoy ANYTHING in the future, let alone the game". I struggle with suicidal thoughts at the moment, but I'm determined to get better. So for self guided erp I've just been saying "yeah, sure, maybe I won't get better. Maybe I'll be at my worst, who cares. I'm still getting the game". It's scary in the moment. 😅. Anyone else have a similar fear? I'd love to hear it and talk about it if you'd like! I'm sure this is a popular obsession. :)

I feel sad and guilty everyday. I can't get out of it and to be honest, I don't even know if I want to. Everytime I feel a tiny bit better, the waves of sadness come crashing me down and I feel lost and alone again. I can't fight anymore, I don't know how. I feel that even if I confessed to my bf, I wouldn't stop feeling this way because then just another thing pops up which I probably did wrong. I don't know how to live with this constant guilt, it is sucking the life out of me. And if I try to take it with me or not take it seriously, I think "what if you are just using ocd to cover up that you really did a bad thing" I can't go on, I have no hope left and I feel so desperate

Okay I’ve been pretty proud of myself for not seeking reassurance as much this week, but I’m really struggling rn. TMI warning.... I posted a while ago about the lump on my vulva and how it was getting smaller but now idk. It seems to have just went deeper under my skin and is a bit smaller than a dime. I can move it around, too, and it doesn’t hurt. The only way I know it’s there is because I purposely look for it. But anyways, what if it’s not getting better? What if i have cancer? I just a post about cancer on my Instagram and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I know people who have survived cancer— I mean my aunt had a huge tumor for years and is now fine— yet I think it’s an automatic death wish if there’s even a possibility I have it because I’m terrified of death. I don’t want to die. But I’m also too afraid to see a gyno. I’ve had a doctor look at me down there before (just my gp) and she made me feel stupid by telling me I should go to my mom next time I have questions... now I think my fears are invalid. I also am just nervous at getting looked at again in general since it’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I get very embarrassed. So it’s either I give into my social anxiety, or I give into my cancer obsessions. My therapist even told me that going to the doctor might not give me a straight answer and I agree, but I feel the urge to go SO bad and I’m so l fucking conflicted at this point. Some people say to go asap and some say to wait but AHHHH ITS SO CONFUSING.