Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I hate myself.

Hi ! I am 6 days off medication today. I stopped because i felt numb. I couldnt feel any emotion, positive or negative. Since i stopped i begun to feel very guilty for not having any positive feelings towards my family (or me thinking i dont) . The thoughts are so frequent that i barely have my normal thoughts right now. And the feeling of guilt follows me everywhere. Its almost phisically painful. Like i see my parents who struggle to raise me and helping me go through college and i keep having thoughts about them non-stop. My point is: is anyone here who stopped medication and recovered without them ? Because right now seems impossible to me. But i dont want to keep taking the pills anymore.

I want my ROCD thoughts about love to stop so I can enjoy my relationship. Please help me I feel on my own with it.

My experience with POCD~ -I’m more afraid of the fact that I am a pedophile than what if I hurt a kid and that I like these thoughts. -I’m not afraid to be around kids, if anything I enjoy it (not in a weird way) -My Ocd tells me pedophilia is fine when deep down I know it’s not -I started getting these thoughts a few months ago. -my brain like to find past events and change them and make me feel weird. -I don’t get as anxious by the thoughts anymore which make them more real. (Because I’m on medication) -sometimes I ask myself questions like “if pedophilia was legal would I choose to partake in it” and deep down I know I wouldn’t but my brain tells me yes and it scares me.

(Real event ocd.) My OCD made me realize my terrible past,and now i can't allow myself to let go. It started four weeks ago,about a month.  I woke up ruminating, feeling wrong.  thinking over and over. I had just got a laptop, and I had gone to my Gmail for the first time not on mobile. I saw some hangouts chats,more out of a need to know nothing there was to fear,i checked it.  Most was innocent,however what struck me was a gc i didnt remember anyone in,it was a combo of names. In it was abysmal. Racist remarks (mostly use,and I mean *heavy* use of the n hard r word,and the c slur ) Terrified. I scrolled up,I hadnt sent anything. I then deleted it.  That didn't stop the spiral. What if you didn't scroll all the way up? They were calling,what if you were in a call? There was a kids face you saw,what if it was something illegal or just another meme? It haunted me for weeks,I was struck to the point that I couldn't eat. Sleep was in excess. I slept and still sleep constantly to escape the thoughts. A few weeks pass by. I talk about it with friends,I realize it's ocd. I try to reach out and get into the community.  I'm getting over it. More comes back. A memory about making a joke w the hard r n slur and someone's username Next day,its a false memory. I know it is. I forget about it. Next day. Its a conversation I had about kinks where I thought I pressured someone. I scroll up and find the convo.  It was friends joking around,I hardly hopped in and later told them to stop because it made me uncomfortable.  Next day. Its a joke I made abt semen to a friend when I was 15 and he was 13. I go and ask about the joke. He says I'm fine.  Next day,I remember what started the ruminating. A parody account  from when I was 15 where I pretended to be pink guy where I ruminated saying the n word.  I login. Theres obviously offensive stuff. People using the word amongst other slurs. Geniunely cringey shit as well. But I can't see my replies or posts. Only others at me or to eachother on posts I've interacted on. I ruminate and obsess over how someone replied when I couldn't see what I sent,it was another parody account in character and what I'm quite sure is a joke about lemon guy but i still got worried sick to the point i woke up inconsolable in the night. Unable to calm down or to allow myself to and getting close to throwing up. Next day. I feel better. Im going to get over this. I've become a better person,i can move on. Later,I remember another parody account. This time a swiper the fox one.  Out of stupid compulsions ,I look into the account. Most of it is absurdly cringey shit,cartoon characters acting overly existential or edgy or just silly. But there's a few things that resonate .  Theres a hard r n word post someone made in my notifs,meaning I replied to it.  Theres jokes about boots being a f slur,I am gay,but still remember I made jokes about boots being gay,meaning I could have said something like that using the slur. It was in general bad. Someone I interacted with saying they accidentally posted a real suicide as a joke. A post by that same person joking that "Martin Luther King was an ugly black man" Theres a reply,meaning I've interacted with it  "Why did you read it out loud?" Was that to me? I'm quite sure it was. Did I read it out loud? I dont remember it. I dont remember what i said.  I mustve interacted with it. I delete it,all the messages. Because I can't stop reading it over and over.  I go back and forth. I go back and forth. I've obviously done something terrible. But theres the kicker. Theres uncertainty.  Theres so much uncertainty. Because I dont know what or how bad it is. I cant access it.  That's something where ocd thrives. And it's this feeling of being stabbed ,of being strangled. And you can't work,you can't settle. You've done something. But the price you pay is you'll never know the full extent of your actions. I dont remember what i said or did and ill never remember,I dug up my old messages and I never said anything like that ,it was always me being silly and more lighthearted. But now i have this shit,but i can't see what i said, it'll just taunt me forever aimlessly. Like a skeleton in my closet,the thing that prevents me from being redeemable by my mind. I cant work. Im behind in class. I work and immediately I'm sent to ruminate. I need to constantly distract myself by listening to music. When my friends tell me they love me,I feel like I've betrayed them. I'm stuck w uncertainty. Im stuck w knowing bad things happened but not what.

I self cared today by getting Microneedling done on my entire face but especially my forehead scar, and got lip injections in order to work on my self esteem and just do some self care during this pandemic. Part of me feels sad though because I’ve lost friends over the years and I haven’t spoken to many people since the pandemic started. I feel alone and it’s like I have no one to show my results off to when my skin does heal. Very sad and lonely times 😞

So what vitamins do you all take (if any) and do you think they're working? Also has anyone used 5HTP and did you find it helpful?

Does anyone else have a fear of depression? I find my obsession with it makes me convince myself I feel depressed, and then I focus on how I feel too much and make it worse

Hey, so about emotional detachment? Ever since OCD invaded my life, I felt empty and numb. It almost feels like I'm in capable of falling in love based on my past, doubts, crazy thoughts, and the lack of empathy of depression... almost like I have no feelings. When I was talking to guy friends (platonically), I got super paranoid like what if they fall for me and I won't so I hurt them? I just want to live my life freely without thoughts ruining my life. And I also get paranoid talking to a girl too, like everything isn't even right anymore. I just wish I had feelings and I don't feel numb or cold constantly.

For some reason ever since I’ve gotten POCD my brain is telling me there’s nothing wrong with pedophilia, it’s like I have sympathy for them when I use despise them and found them weird, and when I think about the thought it makes my brain feel weird...I hate ocd :/

My urge to get the last word in and confront perpetrators from years ago feels like an obsession now. I have too much time on my hands during this pandemic and it feels like I’ve gone mad. Even though I know it’s irrational I get an angry urge to confront men who have sexually coerced or taken advantage of me even though it wouldn’t do anything. It’s like I need the last word to tell them off for closure or to feel “just right”. Just moving on I think I’m “weak”. I would never actually confront them and filed police report already (which did nothing because technically I consented) but the urge is still there and I want them to suffer. I want to believe karma is a real thing but I keep feeling like life is so unfair. I just blame people like this for all my suffering and trauma and it’s hard for me to just move forward and accept that they are still happily living their life. I want to establish power or dominance somehow and my ocd keeps wanting me to tell them off to achieve this, which it won’t. Maybe it’s some pride and dignity thing. Idk. All I know is I need to find peace and move on somehow because anger eats up my life.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know if I’m going through ocd anymore but the thoughts keep breaking every way I used to think and I feel so confused. I feel like I don’t know how to think correctly anymore and I’m scared because I don’t think anyone could every understand and help me. It feels like my brain is changing too much and I’m going crazy. The thoughts make sense to me and they make more sense everyday. I feel like all of the thoughts I’ve been having in the past months have been breaking my mind. I wasn’t too worried before because I was hoping it was just ocd and it would pass but I really feel like my head is totally screwed up. I keep getting thoughts that I should admit myself to a hospital but I can’t stop thinking about what could go wrong. I don’t even know if any of this is real or if my mind made up a story but that’s super confusing too and my brain goes and thinks about that all the time. I was going to share with my brother last night but it’s just the fact that I’ve reached the point where I don’t even think my thoughts are wrong anymore and if someone were to ask me if I was a danger to other I couldn’t even say with confidence that I wasn’t. I’m still friendly and empathetic towards people irl but it feels like in my head that something is happening and I’m going insane. And I feels like I’m only writing that it’s insane to lie and not alarm others and that really I believe these thoughts. It’s so much that I can’t write out because it’s too out there and I’m afraid a therapist would misunderstand. I’m afraid I’m just delusional in thinking I have ocd and I’m just trying to avoid responsibility for my terrible thoughts and there are so many other reasons I think something else is happening to me but I also don’t want to go down the route of psychoanalyzing why I’m thinking this way because I really don’t want to get deeper in it. Honestly a lot of the times I feel like I’m just writing in ocd terms because of all that I’ve read and I think I have ocd off of what others have told me but I’m been viewing things incorrectly like a hypochondriac so now I’m in this problem of I don’t know how to think. I try and tell myself again and again that I’m done with this and I’m fine but then my mind won’t let these things go because they’ve just affected everything so much and I feel like I’m so wrapped up in this story in my head thats scaring me. I’m still considerate and kind towards my family members but I feel so different. I feel so deep in thinking and my thoughts that I don’t even know if they’re intrusive or not are at the front of my head and I feel like I’m losing it. Right now i only do what I think is right in the moment but I can’t stop freaking out about how different mentally I feel from before and all the reasons I’ll never get better. I’m sorry for being so annoying, I just cant express any of this to anyone I know in real life, they’d think I was going crazy.

I told my boyfriend yesterday that I’m doubting my feelings and my love for him. We had what I thought was a huge breakthrough last weekend where he knew it was just OCD and anxiety and he said he would remove himself emotionally and realize it isn’t about him and I felt such a relief with this like wow he finally understands my mind and it’s safe to let him in. But when I told him yesterday about doubting my feelings he completely freaked out and gave me shit saying how he can’t get down the road and have me still saying I’m doubting my feelings for him. He said it’s been “3 or 4 months since I last mentioned this” and I’m like where have you been it’s literally the reason I’m getting help and it just happened last week so like????? He also said “yeah well I thought that was OCD and not doubting your feelings” and doesn’t realize it’s the same thing????? I’m just so beyond hurt. I thought it was safe to open up to him and tell him my thoughts and now I feel like we’re on two different planets like he didn’t even realize this was going on?? Should I just break up with him so I stop hurting him and stop feeling this weird numbness?

Does anyone get into arguments with their family members over nothing? It literally can be over food? And then they ignore me so it just makes me argue for longer and be more angry. I need to control my anger better but my period is due and I feel like shit in general which just isn't helping anything

Just talked to my therapist and he said that I'll have to accept that I'll live the rest of my life with that thought. Although it seems extremely unsatisfying, it may be the only thing that really works. I've been discussing my fear from every angle and every time I feel relief, the doubts come back after a short time. So I can't solve it. I can't forget it. I can't tell it because it probably will be a compulsion and it would only hurt my partner. But I feel so disgusted by myself. Like I am making my OCD up to not have to tell my bf the truth about my stupid thoughts...

"am I disgusting?" (24,f) OK, what I'm about to tell you might be a false memory because I don't remember much details on this and ofc I'm assuming the worse. Over a year ago (prior to april 2019), I used to have both sexual and Romantic fantasies with made up people. Unfortunately, I was already over 20 (21-22) and remember a fantasy about me being 16-17 again (basically still in HS) in a all-boys team of baseball. Why? I love baseball and such thing is not available in my country. 2. I love hanging with guys... They are so sweet to me and I usually get along with them. I'm gay... Ish. And I remember also putting another girl on the team, I think... But I don't remember what "story" I gave her and what age, nor her face, nor personality!! I can't be certain but I feel like I created aome romantic attraction between us and I'm not sure.. Today, I feel super anxious about it... Like "what if she was too young?" or "what if I put us dating?" I truly don't remember. I'm not even sure she existed. I have the slight memory she appeared in that fantasy a couple of times but I can't recall anything at all. I know this is silly but oh boy... I feel awful...

Is anybody elses ocd bad just as you wake up??? mine is and i hate it and sometimes it can ruin my whole day cause ill be thinking of that thought. Does anyome have any tips for not getting caught up and just letting the thouhht go?? 😢🤔

at this point i thought of ending it all. i can’t go to therapy, i’m trying so hard. i think i’m starting to develop self-harm ocd, since i’m having constant thoughts of hurting myself. my brain hurts. i don’t want to be with a woman. i want to get married to a guy but my mind keeps telling me that i don’t. i don’t even know what my gut is telling me anymore. it’s like my mind is hushing it out. i can’t deal with this anymore.

i am drinking and i am scared, every time i try and have fun my brain goes straight to my intrusive thoughts to make me feel super uncomfortable and i don’t know how to deal with them. i am so scared, i would never do what my thoughts tell me and it makes me so angry and frustrated. it’s like my brain is so use to being unhappy and uncomfortable that it can’t just let me live and let me think normally. i am so sick and tired of these intrusive thoughts. :(

i’m worried that this isn’t ocd because i don’t think i have many ocd symptoms before now. what are some common ocd tendencies in childhood (im 14 now, it started 2 months ago)? i had a period of time when i was little where i HAD to confess when anything touched my private part, my legs, chairs, seatbelts, etc) but idk if that’s ocd related. anyway what are some common ocd symptoms in childhood, and are there any symptoms that come even when you aren’t obsessing about anything if that makes sense? any help is appreciated :)