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I understand that acceptance is key to recovery. But any advice on how to accept terrible thoughts about onself or does acceptance just naturally come when you do fewer and fewer compulsions?

Last night my boyfriend was annoyed at me because sometimes I am un trusting towards him... I ended up getting upset because I think that my inability to trust him and constant rumination is another form of OCD that I struggle with. However, the conversation reminded me of how fucked up I am with my POCD and gronial response. I’ve never told anyone about anything before but for the first time I told him that ‘I’m sad because i think the reason I can be like this is because I have compulsive thinking, I’m scared of my brain... but it’s only the tip of the iceberg and I never talk about it’... It’s the first time I’ve ever even hinted at the issues I’ve been burying deep for the last 6 years. It was quite frankly horrible to even tell him that. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said I can’t. Then I just felt terrified that he was going to Google compulsive thoughts and that he might keep wondering what is wrong with me, like the elephant in the room sort of thing. I just lay there and cried and cried because I felt so trapped. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I get gronial response for children and that he has no idea. He kept telling me he loves me and I can tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. And all I keep thinking is how he has no idea and he would be so shocked and disgusted. I couldn’t stop crying in bed for hours, I felt so trapped and scared. I love him so much. It’s so painful. I thought it would be good to start acknowledging my ocd and talking about it, but it’s just made it all so real and it just makes the underlying depression in me come out to the surface. For so long I’ve been managing to live this life where if I don’t think about my OCD at every moment possible, and I can feel quite normal most of the time I’m distracted. I know it’s all a facade but now I’m trying to work on my problems (without a therapist) - that whole facade has faded. So much more I will just sit with the people I love and think about how they think I’m normal but they have no idea who I am. Its horrible. I’m not saying we shouldn’t all fight this - we need to fucking fight this. I don’t want to put anyone off - but it’s just really killing my ego acknowledging this bullshit ocd.

I fucking swear!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know why my own fucking mother wants my dick to come out by looking at me the whole time I’m trying to watch a fucking football game and thinking about in a sexual way. Like I already fucking know my body responds to people looking at me in a sexual way when I’m not looking at them. Like fucking shit. My mind shakes and shakes it’s head like I try to calm down but I can’t my mind. I really need help with this whole arousal shit for like fucking fucking more than 2 and a half years I’ve been dealing with this arousal shit and I’m just so fucking tired and fed up cuz I don’t know what I should do. My mind is t thinking about nothing I’m trying to focus to what’s in front of me but yet for some reason I have a arousal feeling that affects my daily living, it affect me having a job, and on top of that I have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a fucking chick. Like I’m so fucking tired of this shit. My fucking therapist don’t respond to shit. They don’t tell me what I should be doing or not fucking doing and I’m like fucking over this shit. I’m getting fucking tired of feeling shit and not knowing what to do to not feel shit. Like I do everything I would do on a daily I don’t avoid it but my body and mind are not working together anymore or at least not the way it should be working and I’m just so fucking tired and just idk anymore man. There’s got to be a therapist in this world who can help me with this shit cuz I’m fucking tired of this shit. I do all ERP’s possible and I’m just lost like what am I supposed to do anymore. Fuck man!!!! I want to walkout out my house and just go for a fucking walk and shit and I just don’t know what to do anymore if this is anxiety then why is it always the same bullshit every fucking day. I fucking swear man. I’m just tired and done with this shit. I mean fuck man. Like I shouldn’t be more comfortable in public places to where nobody knows me then places to where they know damn well if they looked at me in a sexual way is going to trigger me and I’m just so fucking tired like leave me the fuck alone already. I literally want to fucking cuss my mom out again and tell her to stop and start beating peoples asses when they start doing this shit to me cuz I know when it’s happening to me in purpose and I’m tired of playing dumb as if it doesn’t affect me cuz it does so or later I’m a just fuck a motherfucker up real fucking talk.

i’m so sad. i’m only 14 and i feel like i’ve already ruined my teen years. i’ll always have this loom in the back of my mind, and i’ll never be able to look back at myself and reflect on who i was because it’s all fake, i have no idea who i am or what i want. i won’t be able too look back and remember my boy crazy phase, or be happy remembering having my first boyfriend or just remember being happy and carefree because i haven’t even had a chance to do any of that. i don’t want to waste my one chance at life like this. i’ve already fucked up and i’ve barely had a chance to be a teenager. i want to start over as someone else. i feel like such a waste

Ive been taking Zoloft for 2 weeks now and Ive noticed that Im just exhausted. Like I dont have the energy to engage with my intrusive thoughts. Anybody have this experience on an SSRI?

I saw a thing on Facebook that said Narcissists, psychopatha, and sociopath don't have a sense of empathy. They don't have a sense of empathy and won't develop it, so they can never love anyone..with me feeling empty and not feeling sad or upset a lot and just feeling numb I'm honestly scared I can't feel love and I'm actually crazy....would I know if I was heartless?

Why is this all happening to me,why cant i just be normal like the other teens,why do i always feel confused about everything,why do i always feel worthless and sick,with mental illness,why did God choose me,us,to do this,to go through all this shit,He knows that im not able to make it,he knows that i just want to grow up,to marry a guy and be happy,my intentions are pure,i never wanted to hurt someone like my mind says,i just dont want to,i cant stop it,i cant stop the disorted thinking and everything else that goes through my mind.I feel so worthless so desperate and cursed.I know i keep asking for ur positive talks but i juet cant ask it from anyone else.Its 9 pm here,i need to study but i cant,i feel so stressed,i just want to kill myself.

Has anyone felt like they had rocd from the beginning of meeting someone? I feel like most stories are those where everything starts fine and then ocd hits in the middle of the relationship. I had no to little feelings for someone yet I cry strongly whenever we split from fwb and a great friendship.

Hey! I’ve experienced a lot of recovery in my ROCD/HOCD and I’m thinking of asking my wife to marry me. I’m starting to worry that I will not be attracted to her in bed. We’ve decided to wait until we’re married before having sex and so I’m beginning to worry that it opens up a can of worms for me. In past relationships, sex often caused me huge amounts of anxiety and caused me to experience pure O, insomnia and depression.

so now my ocd is attacking how i sleep and if i should sleep. if i go to sleep something bad can happen to me while i’m sleeping and won’t realize it :( i never had any trouble before until i was diagnosed. is this just me. pls any times. i feel like i’m just crazy and don’t even have ocd sometimes

I just need someone who is judgment free to talk to :/

Faced some fears tonight :) TW: cutting So alongside my suicidal OCD I have a fear/obsession of self-harm specifically cutting. Don’t wanna look at it, don’t wanna hear about it, nothing but I get intrusive unwanted thoughts about doing it when I don’t wanna. Anyways I’ve been on a Degrassi: The Next Generation binge (for those of you who don’t know degrassi, it’s a show about primarily high schoolers dealing with a variety of issues - great show honestly) and one of the episodes was about a girl who started cutting herself due to her dad leaving for the military and being stuck at home with an alcoholic mom, as well as being super stressed out with an internship opportunity. I knew there was gonna be an episode focused on self-harm and when it started playing my mind was on high alert like “don’t watch this!!!” However instead I knew this was essential for eventually getting over this fear so I didn’t look away and I kept watching the show as they showed the scenes of her self-harming, her friend finding out, and eventually getting her the help she needed. Needless to say I was pretty proud of myself for not avoiding this specific episode and making it through out with performing mental compulsions! I know this show also eventually covers the basis of suicide so that’ll be another hard one to watch but I gotta do it to show OCD it’s not the boss of me. Thanks for reading :)

If I'm having constant anxiety and thoughts about hocd and tocd Does that mean they are true/they must be true if I have "proof/evidence", or I will manifest these things into happening? I just don't understand how I went my whole life not having thoughts like this now I am. Or maybe I have thought about these things and I've been in denial and now they are stronger because they are true

I think I’m having a major depressive episode and I’m scared. Everytime I get overwhelming PTSD flashbacks I get suicidal thoughts or I start crying uncontrollably. When will my suffering end? I’m so overwhelmed. How will I function the rest of my life? I’m barely holding it together.

I hate myself.

Hi ! I am 6 days off medication today. I stopped because i felt numb. I couldnt feel any emotion, positive or negative. Since i stopped i begun to feel very guilty for not having any positive feelings towards my family (or me thinking i dont) . The thoughts are so frequent that i barely have my normal thoughts right now. And the feeling of guilt follows me everywhere. Its almost phisically painful. Like i see my parents who struggle to raise me and helping me go through college and i keep having thoughts about them non-stop. My point is: is anyone here who stopped medication and recovered without them ? Because right now seems impossible to me. But i dont want to keep taking the pills anymore.

I want my ROCD thoughts about love to stop so I can enjoy my relationship. Please help me I feel on my own with it.

My experience with POCD~ -I’m more afraid of the fact that I am a pedophile than what if I hurt a kid and that I like these thoughts. -I’m not afraid to be around kids, if anything I enjoy it (not in a weird way) -My Ocd tells me pedophilia is fine when deep down I know it’s not -I started getting these thoughts a few months ago. -my brain like to find past events and change them and make me feel weird. -I don’t get as anxious by the thoughts anymore which make them more real. (Because I’m on medication) -sometimes I ask myself questions like “if pedophilia was legal would I choose to partake in it” and deep down I know I wouldn’t but my brain tells me yes and it scares me.

(Real event ocd.) My OCD made me realize my terrible past,and now i can't allow myself to let go. It started four weeks ago,about a month.  I woke up ruminating, feeling wrong.  thinking over and over. I had just got a laptop, and I had gone to my Gmail for the first time not on mobile. I saw some hangouts chats,more out of a need to know nothing there was to fear,i checked it.  Most was innocent,however what struck me was a gc i didnt remember anyone in,it was a combo of names. In it was abysmal. Racist remarks (mostly use,and I mean *heavy* use of the n hard r word,and the c slur ) Terrified. I scrolled up,I hadnt sent anything. I then deleted it.  That didn't stop the spiral. What if you didn't scroll all the way up? They were calling,what if you were in a call? There was a kids face you saw,what if it was something illegal or just another meme? It haunted me for weeks,I was struck to the point that I couldn't eat. Sleep was in excess. I slept and still sleep constantly to escape the thoughts. A few weeks pass by. I talk about it with friends,I realize it's ocd. I try to reach out and get into the community.  I'm getting over it. More comes back. A memory about making a joke w the hard r n slur and someone's username Next day,its a false memory. I know it is. I forget about it. Next day. Its a conversation I had about kinks where I thought I pressured someone. I scroll up and find the convo.  It was friends joking around,I hardly hopped in and later told them to stop because it made me uncomfortable.  Next day. Its a joke I made abt semen to a friend when I was 15 and he was 13. I go and ask about the joke. He says I'm fine.  Next day,I remember what started the ruminating. A parody account  from when I was 15 where I pretended to be pink guy where I ruminated saying the n word.  I login. Theres obviously offensive stuff. People using the word amongst other slurs. Geniunely cringey shit as well. But I can't see my replies or posts. Only others at me or to eachother on posts I've interacted on. I ruminate and obsess over how someone replied when I couldn't see what I sent,it was another parody account in character and what I'm quite sure is a joke about lemon guy but i still got worried sick to the point i woke up inconsolable in the night. Unable to calm down or to allow myself to and getting close to throwing up. Next day. I feel better. Im going to get over this. I've become a better person,i can move on. Later,I remember another parody account. This time a swiper the fox one.  Out of stupid compulsions ,I look into the account. Most of it is absurdly cringey shit,cartoon characters acting overly existential or edgy or just silly. But there's a few things that resonate .  Theres a hard r n word post someone made in my notifs,meaning I replied to it.  Theres jokes about boots being a f slur,I am gay,but still remember I made jokes about boots being gay,meaning I could have said something like that using the slur. It was in general bad. Someone I interacted with saying they accidentally posted a real suicide as a joke. A post by that same person joking that "Martin Luther King was an ugly black man" Theres a reply,meaning I've interacted with it  "Why did you read it out loud?" Was that to me? I'm quite sure it was. Did I read it out loud? I dont remember it. I dont remember what i said.  I mustve interacted with it. I delete it,all the messages. Because I can't stop reading it over and over.  I go back and forth. I go back and forth. I've obviously done something terrible. But theres the kicker. Theres uncertainty.  Theres so much uncertainty. Because I dont know what or how bad it is. I cant access it.  That's something where ocd thrives. And it's this feeling of being stabbed ,of being strangled. And you can't work,you can't settle. You've done something. But the price you pay is you'll never know the full extent of your actions. I dont remember what i said or did and ill never remember,I dug up my old messages and I never said anything like that ,it was always me being silly and more lighthearted. But now i have this shit,but i can't see what i said, it'll just taunt me forever aimlessly. Like a skeleton in my closet,the thing that prevents me from being redeemable by my mind. I cant work. Im behind in class. I work and immediately I'm sent to ruminate. I need to constantly distract myself by listening to music. When my friends tell me they love me,I feel like I've betrayed them. I'm stuck w uncertainty. Im stuck w knowing bad things happened but not what.

I self cared today by getting Microneedling done on my entire face but especially my forehead scar, and got lip injections in order to work on my self esteem and just do some self care during this pandemic. Part of me feels sad though because I’ve lost friends over the years and I haven’t spoken to many people since the pandemic started. I feel alone and it’s like I have no one to show my results off to when my skin does heal. Very sad and lonely times 😞