Welcome to
the NOCD Community

So ive told my gf about what im going through. I think she thinks im just gay. She said how do i know your not going to do a philip scohfield on me. And i got this sense of dread

When I was young (13) I sexually experimented with my friend. We never finished because I left ashamed and scared of what I had done. I fell in love with women throughout the rest of my middle school and high school days, with numerous crushes on many women. Never men. I was always paranoid about being seen as gay, and assumed as gay. I avoided gay people or anything gay related, including movies, books, and other subject matter. After graduating and the quarantine started, that’s when I got HOCD. I would never want to be with a man ever. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I’m getting memories of my childhood experimentation plus erections that honestly scare me and had no recollection of me remembering until now. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I never wanted to be with a man and never will. I’m terrified out of my mind as I’m typing this because the last thing I want is to be something I’m not. And it honestly scares me. I’m getting a memory of an erection to a written erotic scene from call me by your name. I’m so scared and petrified. I’m hitting the SOS button after this but I’m so scared at this moment in time. I actively avoid all gay movies or movies with gay subject matter. I constantly get these memories and I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in the slightest. Oh god have mercy on me

I'm lowkey afraid that I might kill myself. Yesterday, I had really bad thoughts about different ways to kill myself to the point it was hard to concentrate on my studies. I have days where I don't want to kill myself and days that I deserve to die. I just feel very hopeless about the future.

I feel kind of done with life. My mindset is too screwed up to really do anything and truly enjoy it. I watch tv shows or movies, I always feel bothered to an extent. I used to love writing stories and drawing characters, my mind tells me it was an unhealthy form of escapism and because my thinking is too messed up I can’t write the stories I want to anymore. I can’t be an artist/animator anymore because I can’t handle the internet anymore and that I’m not a nice person. I get thoughts everyday that I’m capable of killing and that I’ll probably do it one day and the only thing I’ll care about is being caught and that I won’t care about what I did. I don’t know how I feel about living this way, nothing really feels real, I get thoughts that are we all are evolved monkeys and nothing we made up is real. That everything I’ve ever learned is brainwashing and nothing really exists or matters. It feels really weird to think in this way, I feel so off from other people because of my perception like I’m going to go through life pretending to be sane when on my own I’m really just a psychotic person. I always have this weird feeling in my head everyday and I worry that I have a mental illness that’s degrading my brain and causing these thoughts , but I honestly just ignore it. I feel so much anger sometimes and I worry that it’s going to cause me to lose my sanity and hurt someone, I actually had an intrusive urge and thought to hit my mother today and then the thoughts that came after that was that it was fine, that other people did it, she deserved it and that morality doesn’t really matter. I didn’t act on it, but it makes me sad because the old me would have never thought in this way. I keep getting thoughts that I want to do something drastic and that I understand the mindset of people who have done terrible things. I get a ton of thoughts during the day that frustrate me at work. There’s a bunch of stuff going on with me but honestly this just feels like it’s going to be my permanent normal. For whatever reason I don’t really want to fix this, it seems as if there’s nothing to fix, it’s too complex for any doctor to figure out so I’ll just keep it a secret for the rest of my life and pretend that I’m still the same person. I’m too tired to write more, I’m just hoping that this is a phase and it will go away like the last time I had a weird experience with my mental health, or maybe I’ll just lose my mind and this will all be over. Every time I get the thought that I miss the old me, my mind just tells me that I’m actually happier this way, this was how I was meant to turn out, and that my old way of thinking was naive.

I downloaded the app as my son (age 35) is suffering from ocd - not working and not willing to take medication or therapy. After two years of begging him to do something for himself we are at the point of banning him from our house, but then he is on the street (which we would like to avoid). Illinois has poor mental health care solutions and the Health Dept folks say “have the police remove him”. Not exactly helpful. Certainly we are not the only ones in this situation. My son is highly intelligent but can not overcome this disability. Any suggestions are welcome

Im not worrying about imagining a same sex plus now I have groinal response with no anxiety 😨 and its feelings so true that Im what Im thinking I am , and Im feeling like Im starting to believe that I dont have hocd and all this was just me who wasnt accepting it 😓

When doing sexual things (tmi, I’m sorry) with my boyfriend, I often get stressed. I have thoughts like, “you don’t like this. You’re not turned on my him. You’ll never like sex. Someone could do it better. You’re a lesbian because you don’t like this.” I believe these are intrusive thoughts, but I don’t know what to do about them. I don’t want to stop doing things with him, but these thoughts often keep me from enjoying it. What should I do? Erp?

Has there been anyone who thought they had SO-OCD just find out they were in denial?

Lately I have been having this fear that I will go to prison . My brain is digging up old stuff that I’ve done and saying I’ll go to prison for it . My brain tells me I’ll snap and kill someone and spend the rest of my life in prison 🙄 along time ago when I was 17 I had graduated high school and wanted to work but the job would not let me work without working papers . The working papers required signature from the school but I didn’t go there anymore so they would not sign it . I ended up forging the signature myself 😔 that was 3 years ago I completely forgot about it and now my brain is telling me that the cops will find out and I will go to jail .Has anyone had these kinds of thoughts ? I’m 4 months pregnant and I’m trying to keep my stress level low for my baby . These thoughts cause me so much anxiety 😔

So I'm been doing really good but today hocd kicked my ass. I got this feeling of liking this one girl so I freaked out it felt so real and so I started performing checking compulsions to see if I really wanted it. Sometimes i knew I didn't want and others times I didn't. So I was freaking out and saying im bisexual and I'm straight to see which one felt right. My brain was so foggy and still is and my thoughts are racing I can't think straight. I know I was performing compulsions so therefore I was in the ocd cycle. I should have just left it but it felt so REAL!!! I don't even want to think about her or keep checking but feel like i have to cuz what if I do like her and want to be with her but I'm avoiding facing it and thinking about her.

I’m starting to write this and even now I feel extreme anxiety. I feel like I can’t do anything without OCD saying I’ve done it wrong and something bad will happen to me, friends or my family. I feel like OCD has total control over my life sometimes and it’s so frustrating. I’m so scared and feel so helpless sometimes. Like I can’t talk to anyone about it. I feel like I’ve lost relationships because of it and it’s so hard to even explain to people what I’m going through. Mostly feel shame, for feeling less than normal, that I could be living life so much and just can’t. It’s so frustrating to feel this way.

I feel like I’ve just been in denial this whole time. I feel like I’m 100% attracted to girls and I’m happy about it. It just feels like I’m now just scared to come out. I have a boyfriend of 4 and a half years and he knows about my hocd. My therapist tells me that even if I’m sexually attracted to girls that doesn’t mean I’m bi sexual, I don’t have to date and go out and have sex with girls. I’m in a relationship either way. But it feels like I want to talk about my attraction to girls and if I don’t I’m hiding it. It’s so stupid. I hate this. :( I fought this thing for nothing I guess.

Really struggling with how to apply ERP to an intrusive thought I had today. When walking past my kitchen counter I saw my wallet and got the thought "What if you just grabbed cash and threw it in the trash can?" I checked the trash can once to see if I had thrown away money. I guess my question is what's a good ERP for this? Should I just let the thought be there? Should I do an overcorrection and throw money away? Having a hard time figuring out the most beneficial method here.

I get a reoccurring fear of repeating my past relationship that hurt me bc he had OCD and would confess to me things, etc. Now I have it and I’m doing it in my relationship. I’m scared of repeating the past except being the person confessing and there’s this idea in my mind that I’m destined to repeat that and have it end traumatically and awfully how that one did. I don’t want it to get to that.

i don’t want to be bisexual but i keep feeling really happy whenever i try to entertain the idea. i start to think of men and sometimes get giddy thinking. about them even though i never have and i don’t want to... it feels like the bisexual label is right for me although it didn’t feel right when i had this same so-ocd a month ago. anyone else? maybe i’m finding out my real identity?

Hi all I have pure o ocd , harm and sensorimotor ocd Its really unfortunate that i cannot avail sessions as i am outside US I am taking . 75 mg clonazepam and no other medicines . The therapists i met here in my country doesnt do ERP . But i started exposing to the fears by keeping a alarm in my phone and just be mindfull of the thoughts and emotions . I am doing fine sometimes . Sometimes not . It may be because i dont do a proper therapy as a daily practice Can any one guide me how to an ERP practice for pure o type and mainly for sensorimotor type like i just concentrate on my breathing . What i do now is when it pops up i keep alarm for an hr frequency and concentrate on my breathing when alarm rings . After 3 or 4 hours i get better . But since i dont follow a schedule this anxiety peaks again after some days . Any guide or book or video or even recommendations for any therapists would be helpful I know i am recovering . Just need some guidance . Sometimes the lists of fearful thoughts in my alarm becomes more than 30 ,including irrational pure o based , harm based and somatic based . :) And i would like take an opinion on taking ssri . When i used to take it i didnt have the current state of mindfulness . So may be it will help me now ? Or can i continue without medicine and move to full acceptance / recovery Thanks a lot Regards Pai

Does hocd lie ?. I just feel in denial. Can it make you think of men ?

My ocd is so bad rn

It’s my birthday. It’s 1am. I want to cry. TMI warning! I went to the gyno yesterday with a friend to get a lump checked out and my doctor confirmed it was just a harmless cyst (than god). Only after leaving did I realize that I forgot to mention another issue I have down there... and now I feel like crying. She didn’t look/feel inside me, which is where my other problem is. I’ve put my finger inside myself before and felt like— idk how to describe it— it’s like a a roundish, flesh like “ball” in my vagina? Like I can push my finger past knuckle deep because it feel like there’s a wall or something in the way. I think it’s my cervix since it’s been there for as long as I can remember and changes based on my cycle... but I’m nervous it’s a tumor or prolapse (even though I’m now 19). I’ve only had one other doctor “look” inside my vagina, and that wasn’t with a speculum but she said it looks fine so idk. I’m just so fucking mad at myself for not bringing it up while at the doctor. It took so much strength to go to this appt, and I did it but now I just feel like a moron and I don’t want to go back again I really don’t. I called the office and said I wanted to get into direct contact with the dr and tried to explain my problem to the receptionist but they just sounded rude and confused so I’m embarrassed. I don’t know what to do at this point besides that, because the only other person I can talk about with this shit is either my friend or my sister. My friend said I should go again just in case but it’s probably not a big deal, and my sister just thinks I’m crazy. If I do have to go again, is it safe to wait another year just bc I’ve been dealing with this “problem” for about 6 yrs? It’s never caused any difficulties for me besides not being able to stick anything up there :/// I really just thinks it’s my cervix but idk it doesn’t feel completely round it feels kind of like the shape of what a blimp looks like (obviously not that big lol). Anyways this rant has been way too long but yeah I feel completely isolated and alien, don’t wanna tell my therapist cause it’s embarrassing/confusing, and I truly feel like no one understands me and that I’m probably gonna die from fucking cancer or something!!! I hate my birthday already :) oh and to top it all off— intrusive racist and incest thoughts!! Day couldn’t get better

Ocd is truly ruining my life. My themes keep switching and im only a kid, im 16 and im so tired of living already, i cry for hours everyday, i cant take this anymore. I wish i was dead, i miss being at peace and having none of these worries. Im so exhausted mentally and emotionally. I feel like im on a ferris wheel that wont let me get off. Please what do i do? Im so desperate i feel so hopeless and depressed.