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the NOCD Community

Fuck man. I’ve been pretty down for almost a few months now and I’ve been so angry that I’ve cussed out a few therapist’s already. I wish I can have a resemblance of a good life. I wish I could wake up in the morning eat some breakfast drink some coffee get ready for work and go to the gym afterwards or hangout with people who care about me afterwards having fun. My therapist’s seem to think I have a psychotic disorder and I’m starting to believe it. I almost want to go out a second day in a row and get drunk again. I feel if I do I’m just going to become someone I never thought in a million years I would become but that’s sort of where I’m at in life right now. I think I’m just on the brink of becoming a drunk and don’t see a way out. Sometimes my life is just to hard to want to cope with anything. I’m not even sure getting drunk a second day in a row or a 3rd is a bad thing anymore. I don’t have no one to talk to to give me hope. I thought I wanted to become a NFL scout and have a wife and kids but I just feel so awful about who I am I’m just out right disgusted with myself. I wish I could have therapy 24/7 cuz I’m just not good at all trying to figure stuff out on my own anymore and need basically someone to show me how to live or show me a good way to live to emulate cuz I can’t just be like I’m going to be like my 21 yr old self again where I was working, had friends, and a fit life and started dating. The started dating stuff is kind of where all my trouble started and now I’m failing at life all because I wanted to have a good life too soon and didn’t know how to have it the way I thought my life could be. If I make it out of this shit idk what I’ll think.

I’m so scared I’ve been dealing with hocd since I was 12 I’m 18 now why haven’t I figured out my sexuality:( I don’t want to kiss a girl, I don’t want to be with a girl. The thought makes me so sad cause with all I am I don’t wanna be a lesbian. I want to want guys. I want to have feelings for guys and fall in love with them. I’ve done that for one guy. I want that so badly. God, please. Just make this stop. (I have nothing against gay people, there is nothing wrong with it. I Just don’t want it)

So. I might have ADHD and OCD. I might only have OCD. I might have OCD and something else. Kaiser will see me Early December to assess. Time to try and keep my job for approx. 60 days. If anyone has tips from a ADHD + OCD perspective I'd appreciate.

I remember the exact moment someone said something that triggered an obsession for me. It was like a switch went off and I couldn't stop thinking of it since, years later. Has this happened to anyone else? Why can't my brain let go of this intrusive thought?

What is your worst fear with HOCD/SOCD? For me, it is that if I’m a lesbian that it means I can’t be with my husband or that I’m not being true to myself. Those are both things I really value so it makes sense. I don’t pretend I’m 100% heterosexual and I’m on the spectrum, as I think most people are. It is the idea that I am 100% lesbian that causes me endless distress.

I feel like this has ruined my life

So ive told my gf about what im going through. I think she thinks im just gay. She said how do i know your not going to do a philip scohfield on me. And i got this sense of dread

When I was young (13) I sexually experimented with my friend. We never finished because I left ashamed and scared of what I had done. I fell in love with women throughout the rest of my middle school and high school days, with numerous crushes on many women. Never men. I was always paranoid about being seen as gay, and assumed as gay. I avoided gay people or anything gay related, including movies, books, and other subject matter. After graduating and the quarantine started, that’s when I got HOCD. I would never want to be with a man ever. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I’m getting memories of my childhood experimentation plus erections that honestly scare me and had no recollection of me remembering until now. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I never wanted to be with a man and never will. I’m terrified out of my mind as I’m typing this because the last thing I want is to be something I’m not. And it honestly scares me. I’m getting a memory of an erection to a written erotic scene from call me by your name. I’m so scared and petrified. I’m hitting the SOS button after this but I’m so scared at this moment in time. I actively avoid all gay movies or movies with gay subject matter. I constantly get these memories and I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in the slightest. Oh god have mercy on me

I'm lowkey afraid that I might kill myself. Yesterday, I had really bad thoughts about different ways to kill myself to the point it was hard to concentrate on my studies. I have days where I don't want to kill myself and days that I deserve to die. I just feel very hopeless about the future.

I feel kind of done with life. My mindset is too screwed up to really do anything and truly enjoy it. I watch tv shows or movies, I always feel bothered to an extent. I used to love writing stories and drawing characters, my mind tells me it was an unhealthy form of escapism and because my thinking is too messed up I can’t write the stories I want to anymore. I can’t be an artist/animator anymore because I can’t handle the internet anymore and that I’m not a nice person. I get thoughts everyday that I’m capable of killing and that I’ll probably do it one day and the only thing I’ll care about is being caught and that I won’t care about what I did. I don’t know how I feel about living this way, nothing really feels real, I get thoughts that are we all are evolved monkeys and nothing we made up is real. That everything I’ve ever learned is brainwashing and nothing really exists or matters. It feels really weird to think in this way, I feel so off from other people because of my perception like I’m going to go through life pretending to be sane when on my own I’m really just a psychotic person. I always have this weird feeling in my head everyday and I worry that I have a mental illness that’s degrading my brain and causing these thoughts , but I honestly just ignore it. I feel so much anger sometimes and I worry that it’s going to cause me to lose my sanity and hurt someone, I actually had an intrusive urge and thought to hit my mother today and then the thoughts that came after that was that it was fine, that other people did it, she deserved it and that morality doesn’t really matter. I didn’t act on it, but it makes me sad because the old me would have never thought in this way. I keep getting thoughts that I want to do something drastic and that I understand the mindset of people who have done terrible things. I get a ton of thoughts during the day that frustrate me at work. There’s a bunch of stuff going on with me but honestly this just feels like it’s going to be my permanent normal. For whatever reason I don’t really want to fix this, it seems as if there’s nothing to fix, it’s too complex for any doctor to figure out so I’ll just keep it a secret for the rest of my life and pretend that I’m still the same person. I’m too tired to write more, I’m just hoping that this is a phase and it will go away like the last time I had a weird experience with my mental health, or maybe I’ll just lose my mind and this will all be over. Every time I get the thought that I miss the old me, my mind just tells me that I’m actually happier this way, this was how I was meant to turn out, and that my old way of thinking was naive.

I downloaded the app as my son (age 35) is suffering from ocd - not working and not willing to take medication or therapy. After two years of begging him to do something for himself we are at the point of banning him from our house, but then he is on the street (which we would like to avoid). Illinois has poor mental health care solutions and the Health Dept folks say “have the police remove him”. Not exactly helpful. Certainly we are not the only ones in this situation. My son is highly intelligent but can not overcome this disability. Any suggestions are welcome

Im not worrying about imagining a same sex plus now I have groinal response with no anxiety 😨 and its feelings so true that Im what Im thinking I am , and Im feeling like Im starting to believe that I dont have hocd and all this was just me who wasnt accepting it 😓

When doing sexual things (tmi, I’m sorry) with my boyfriend, I often get stressed. I have thoughts like, “you don’t like this. You’re not turned on my him. You’ll never like sex. Someone could do it better. You’re a lesbian because you don’t like this.” I believe these are intrusive thoughts, but I don’t know what to do about them. I don’t want to stop doing things with him, but these thoughts often keep me from enjoying it. What should I do? Erp?

Has there been anyone who thought they had SO-OCD just find out they were in denial?

Lately I have been having this fear that I will go to prison . My brain is digging up old stuff that I’ve done and saying I’ll go to prison for it . My brain tells me I’ll snap and kill someone and spend the rest of my life in prison 🙄 along time ago when I was 17 I had graduated high school and wanted to work but the job would not let me work without working papers . The working papers required signature from the school but I didn’t go there anymore so they would not sign it . I ended up forging the signature myself 😔 that was 3 years ago I completely forgot about it and now my brain is telling me that the cops will find out and I will go to jail .Has anyone had these kinds of thoughts ? I’m 4 months pregnant and I’m trying to keep my stress level low for my baby . These thoughts cause me so much anxiety 😔

So I'm been doing really good but today hocd kicked my ass. I got this feeling of liking this one girl so I freaked out it felt so real and so I started performing checking compulsions to see if I really wanted it. Sometimes i knew I didn't want and others times I didn't. So I was freaking out and saying im bisexual and I'm straight to see which one felt right. My brain was so foggy and still is and my thoughts are racing I can't think straight. I know I was performing compulsions so therefore I was in the ocd cycle. I should have just left it but it felt so REAL!!! I don't even want to think about her or keep checking but feel like i have to cuz what if I do like her and want to be with her but I'm avoiding facing it and thinking about her.

I’m starting to write this and even now I feel extreme anxiety. I feel like I can’t do anything without OCD saying I’ve done it wrong and something bad will happen to me, friends or my family. I feel like OCD has total control over my life sometimes and it’s so frustrating. I’m so scared and feel so helpless sometimes. Like I can’t talk to anyone about it. I feel like I’ve lost relationships because of it and it’s so hard to even explain to people what I’m going through. Mostly feel shame, for feeling less than normal, that I could be living life so much and just can’t. It’s so frustrating to feel this way.

I feel like I’ve just been in denial this whole time. I feel like I’m 100% attracted to girls and I’m happy about it. It just feels like I’m now just scared to come out. I have a boyfriend of 4 and a half years and he knows about my hocd. My therapist tells me that even if I’m sexually attracted to girls that doesn’t mean I’m bi sexual, I don’t have to date and go out and have sex with girls. I’m in a relationship either way. But it feels like I want to talk about my attraction to girls and if I don’t I’m hiding it. It’s so stupid. I hate this. :( I fought this thing for nothing I guess.

Really struggling with how to apply ERP to an intrusive thought I had today. When walking past my kitchen counter I saw my wallet and got the thought "What if you just grabbed cash and threw it in the trash can?" I checked the trash can once to see if I had thrown away money. I guess my question is what's a good ERP for this? Should I just let the thought be there? Should I do an overcorrection and throw money away? Having a hard time figuring out the most beneficial method here.

I get a reoccurring fear of repeating my past relationship that hurt me bc he had OCD and would confess to me things, etc. Now I have it and I’m doing it in my relationship. I’m scared of repeating the past except being the person confessing and there’s this idea in my mind that I’m destined to repeat that and have it end traumatically and awfully how that one did. I don’t want it to get to that.