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I hate my life 😞. I never really foresaw this coming

I'm having panic through my whole body. It is 3:09 am. I'm terrified of not sleeping but my brain is spamming me with panic and self abusive images. What the hell do I do. I thought I was getting better but I feel like I'm dying right now

I can’t do it. My parents want me to attend mass this Sunday for my dads bday but I literally can’t. I hated growing up there and being forced to go for 17 yrs of my life. I have so many bad memories and just imagining being there again makes my skin crawl it makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t want to disappoint my dad but at the same time I don’t think it’s fair of them to ask me (an atheist) to attend a service that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Please read. I really need help right now... My OCD keeps pushing right back into the cycle with a vague impression of something bad previously happening and false memories, which has become a waking nightmare. After trying to shrug the thoughts off, it all returns with distorted renders of the past and terrible images that must be impossible. I need help, someone to talk to. My family is increasingly concerned for me or beyond frustrated. In fact, a couple family members do not believe I even have the disorder. This only worsens how I feel. I cannot talk about it with my friends. I try to hold in all together, but it’s becoming really difficult. I cannot work on anything I enjoy anymore. My favorite music is no help, unfortunately. I do not see my therapist until Monday. I’m having a hard time concentrating on being present. I did exposure work, which I now regret—greatly. I sometimes fantasize about dying, but stop at the thought of, “are you are willing to kill yourself over something that most likely never happened?” And, no, I haven’t given too much serious thought either. So please do not be too alarmed by that remark. I am now questioning every aspect of the past, my perception of reality, and who I am as a person, though. It’s three months, non stop. When will the suffering end? I cannot bare it anymore. I cannot live with the possibility of harming another person. Why must I be tortured with such horrific thoughts? Can someone please give words of encouragement or advice. Has anyone been here? How do I better myself? Is anyone willing to talk personally?

Anytime I am around black people the n-word keeps repeating itself in my head over and over. It’s so overbearing, it’s exhausting and the most insane part is that I’m a brown dude and I’m proud of it. It’s like I’ve got some internalized racism and I don’t know how to contend with it. I wish my inner voice were a better man.

My mind goes on and on with this thought that I might like one of my friend. Before I started having these thoughts I use to talk to her a lot we kind of are good friends but when I started having these thoughts my mond went on like "Why do feel happy talking to her" but that time I was psh I don't like her this is absurd a month later the thought hostaged my mind and I started to avoid her, I stopped calling her I stopped texting her, viewing her IG stories and I stopped posting to knowing that she might respond. My mind was coming up with intrusive thoughts and I wanted to stopped them, I didn't know about OCD back then and I wanted to stop them so I blocked her but I had to unblock her because I didn't have a valid justification and that she also called me to ask why I blocked her I made a lame excuse but that day I realised that it wasn't that hard to talk to her, i was for sure anxious but I was okay. It has been several days since that happened I still overthink but I don't avoid her now. But I am still afraid what if I liked her romantically what if I am attracted to her. I don't want to, I want be her friend nothing more than that and I don'twant to feel anxious and have sick stomach and heart palpitations. I started getting these impulsive thoughts 3months and now I have to go to school next Saturday after 9months in Pandemic, I am anxious what if I get attracted to her when I meet her, what if when I see other girls I get attracted them. What if she says something and I get attracted to that. Like shitty thoughts I don't want to feel that way

I read this article that said people who suppress themselves or in denial being homosexual can have ocd, anxiety and depression. So do I have ocd and anxiety due to being in denial and suppressing my true self?

What about obsessive thoughts about your partner being unloyal? How do you cope with them?

Hi guys, someone posted yesterday explaining the term C-PTSD and it's personality traits. Pretty much it was a black and white explanation of me and my whole life. It really shocked me and I keep thinking about it. Lack of emotional and external boundaries, taking care of everyone around me, fear of judging someone so ending up being around hurtful people forever, never setting boundaries or sticking up for myself.. 🙋‍♀️ I can see that this has always been there, since I was a child and what I mainly relate it to is my experience with my mother. I still live at home due to leaving university because my OCD overwhelmed me so much and my whole life broke down, I was not functioning. I'm still living at home unfortunately because I am not ready for work. I'm still in treatment for OCD. Of course ironically enough my OCD is moral OCD and scroupolisity. I have a really strained relationship with my mother, every day it is one of my hardest battles. I am a Christian and we are to forgive others, because Jesus has forgiven us with all of our sin against God. We are meant to forgive and love others, to be peace bearers and seek peace. These core beliefs really wreck havoic with me internally when it comes to my mum. How am I to forgive her? I blame her so much for the battles I struggle with. To put it really simply sometimes I just feel like, I am the way I am because of her! How she treated me and how much emotional control she has over me even as an adult. 😔 I feel that I am letting God down by my hatred towards my mother. I'm so hurt by her. and I hate how she treats my family, every day! I feel like a terrible person for my feelings, and so guilty towards God. also very lost as to how to process these feelings. Im typing this thinking... Why am I reaching to the internet to look for advice? 😔😑.. But this app is very helpful at times and people understand the nature of OCD. Bearing in mind my themes are moral OCD //being a 'good person' all the time so this is really hard for me to understand. I feel so confused, angry, hurt, sad, guilty, and bitter. 😔 Thank you for reading if you made it this far!

women— I’m stressing :( can you all describe to me how it felt when you’ve had a UTI if you’ve had one?? last night I felt this weird feeling from my urethra I guess like the tube where the pee travels I think? It just felt like straining and irritated in a way when I was bend forward .. it went away a little after I peed but not fully. I took cranberry pills. This morning I woke up and don’t have that feeing anymore from what I can tell. I used an AZO UTI test strip and it didn’t say positive. But now I’m afraid that I have a UTI and it’s going to get bad or spread to my kidneys or make me really ill.

It’s been seven weeks since I ended a very codependent , toxic relationship with a guy . He had good qualities about him, but for some reason I am forgetting his bad qualities. I need to feel the anger and have more self -love. I take ownership with my role in the relationship. We both became mean to each other but to my defense, I honestly feel my meaness was a reaction to his controlling, possessive behavior . We work together and he would be paranoid every time I went to the bathroom . He always thought I was meeting someone in the bathroom . A part of me knows he was crazy , but for some reason I am miserable . He was an alcoholic and I helped him get sober . He even said I was the only person that really tried to get him sober . ever since March , he got more angry and mean . I have not seen him for 7 months since Covid is letting us work from home. He became more paranoid and restless and started to make fun of my OCD. I lost my cat in April and of course it caused my OCD to flare up . He was so impatient and would mock me and told me I needed mental help . It’s been seven weeks since I spoke to him and I hate myself bc I’m not happy . Instead I have compulsions to check his social media . Wtf is wrong with me . Maybe I need someone to virtually slap me and say he was no good . I hate myself for feeling guilty instead of feeling free.

I’ve had doubts my whole relationship with my boyfriend. Things like “you don’t find him attractive. You don’t think he’s funny. You’re lesbian because you don’t love him. You don’t love him at all. You think he’s annoying. You think his face looks weird. You want to be with other guys. He doesn’t make you happy.” But I always cry and get upset at the thought of losing him. Is that ocd, or something wrong with the relationship. It’s so hard to tell if this is Rocd or if this is one of those, “you never loved nor were interested in him in the first place.” Type things. I want to be interested and in love with him so bad, but I feel like all these thoughts get in the way. :( I don’t get that crazy “you love him so much,” feeing everyone talks about. Like yeah I know I feel for him and love him for who he is, but I don’t feel crazy deep in love :(

I feel so bad. I feel like I don't take the thoughts seriously. I feel like I accepted them. I feel like I don't care much about them. I feel like I can stop thinking about them in any minute but I dont want. I don't even know is it ocd or not?

(This is in no mean to make fun of or make anyone feel bad or anything, just curious) how do so many people with pure o go through this for years without getting help?, its incredible to me, i developed pure ocd Sep 2020, its only been like 3 months and i cannot take it anymore, its a living nightmare, im meeting with a physiatrist in 2 weeks so hopefully i get help. I cant imagine how it must be for those who go years like this :,( everyday for me is a horrible struggle so just knowing people go years like this is just shocking to me.

Sometimes I go and purposely look at pictures of women to see the thoughts popping up and I’m like yup still there and I just stop just cuz there’s no point. Nothing I can do about it cuz it just makes HOCD worse so I just let it be and loathe into my depression of never getting better smh.

My eleven year old son has recently been diagnosed with OCD and I'm wondering if you have any advice for me as a mother raising someone with OCD. Thank you in advance.

I wonder what people think about having SOOCD as a straight person and simultaneously striving to be queer-positive and affirming. I feel most “myself”, most free, when I don’t feel pressure from my subconscious to act out on gay impulses and become a flamboyant personality, and when I don’t even have to think about “being straight” because I just am who I am. Even though I’d like to be free from gay obsessions and false attractions that feel like they’ve evolved into real attractions (even though i still don’t feel like I truly want men), I feel guilty that I am choosing not to let this flamboyant “alternate” personality develop. I feel like I’m not a true ally if I’m saying it’s beautiful for other people to experience queer sexuality, but when I experience obsessions and therefore feelings of a queer nature I dismiss it as “not me”. I know we can’t defeat OCD with neat forms of reassurance or ways of explaining the pressure away, but I’m having a hard time not embracing obsessive gay thoughts because I feel bad not actively affirming them. But then accepting them as real makes me super anxious and untrue to myself. Thoughts?

My psychologist told me that I was a “empath” does anyone know about picking up peoples feelings and emotions that makes you hyper-aware and sensitive and is it really just linked to being OCD or is empathic people experiencing something different?

Does anyone else ever feel like you have to have a mindset for everything? You could label it as a controlling behavior. If I’m in conversation the whole time I’ll have to have one thing that my mind is focused on weather it’s (the image of Jesus) (listening to the other person) (connection with the other person) (God loves me- Saying this constantly in my head) (Being fun) (Giving) Also while I’m by myself it’s like I have to have a goal that I’m heading towards or else more intrusive thoughts are going to come in. It’s like my mind does not want to improvise/ go with the flow of life but to have a sincere direction that I’m going to all of the time.

When I my eyes are open I do not feel like myself. Could it be the weed I smoked two weeks again? Or just stress from school and all the aneixty I am having.