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Help me pls... I keep thinking i want to be an edgy bad teen who does drugs and wears black and stuff. I don't but I feel like I do and every time I think of things I usually do I get nervous that I am too babyish or lame. What's wrong with me :(

I feel like OCD is magnifying my latest mistakes that I didn't want to happen at all. A few days ago I was on instagram looking through my search feed and saw a family guy meme that I thought was funny, though I don't really like the show. I looked through the comments and saw a few profiles commenting similar things to each other and I thought it was silly in a good way. I clicked on one of them thinking they were a meme page but the first post I see that they had was CP... I had reported the post for what it was and left Instagram feeling disgusted that night. People that left comments didn't really see bothered by the fact that there was a drawing of a 14 year old fictional character with very detailed sexual body parts and I don't know why. I feel like it was my fault for even clicking on the page. I was expecting memes because if anything the comment looked pre made as if an Instagram bot would put it there to begin with. I just feel horrible for witnessing what I did and I feel like I'll never be able to positively move on from something so traumatic. The other mistake happened on youtube when one night I wanted to search for girls my age which was 18. On occasion ice done this on porn sites and on YouTube and it wasn't until that night where I got worried that the video showed girls that weren't of age because the comments kept debating about their age as a whole. I only searched for girls my age because something about them being my age having similar interests and I guess it felt more real to me. It's stupid, but I even apply this to my real life friends. I'm always happy to be friends with people my age, so I guess I wanted the same thing sexually. I hope that's not stupidly weird. OCD makes it so I wanted things like this to happen but I didn't at all. I haven't planned any of these things to happen, and I'm not attracted to children. I like girls my age and I like girls older than I am. It's been that way since puberty began for me from what I remember. I hate that OCD tries to alter that. I can't get this out of my head because I feel like I'm in trouble for it. I feel like I just ended all the good things I had with these mistakes happening. It makes me feel like I never wish I even knew about sexual feelings to begin with. There was another mistake that was intentional however which had to do with trying to sexually explore with other teens online when I was about 15. I didn't see a problem with it at all when i did it but even since I recalled that I did it back in June of this year I couldn't help but feel never ending guilt about it and my recent mistakes. I decided not to watch any more pornography with the help of an adult content blocker but it's still hard for me to stop on youtube. There's so much wrong with me.

Even when the thoughts die down I don't feel straight anymore, like this morning i was reading a smutty story because my friend writes them and i support her work and it was based off of an idol who i find attractive (male) and i read it and i found myself getting turned on, which felt normal to me as a female but when it was "over" i felt all wrong again, like my brain was fighting my body. It wasn't a groinal response I actually enjoyed myself. Can anyone explain why my brain still tries to fight me even with physical signs of my true sexual orientation? :(

REAL EVENT OCD: when I was 15/16 I kissed a girl I had a thing with even after she told me not to (i had never kissed anyone before and her best friend was texting me saying she was into me, just shy). I feel like shit. We remained friends for awhile after but broke things off when she became toxic and threatening to kill herself if I hadn’t stayed friends with her. haven’t talked in 10+ years as we ended on bad terms (unrelated). Am I a Monster?

is it good to start ERP with the main thought that's causing you distress or should I start with a smaller one?

Is this ocd do you think? I get thoughts that are distressing for me such as a family member is talking and I have a thought "why are they showing off right now by saying this? Their sole purpose of saying this is to show off." And now I am angry at them. And I cope by ignoring them or going quiet. I worry that this is not OCD, and I genuinely do observe this.. And I cannot sit with the discomfort of knowing I am noticing something 'bad' in someone. I don't even know if this makes sense.. 😔😔I do this a lot. Like someone e.g. A friend is rambling on and on and I think, "How do they not NOTICE that they are talking about themselves for so long?!! How rude!!" and then I get angry, and I can't sit with the anger, and go quiet on the purpose and just want the whole interaction to end. I also think this might have something to do with how I observe and put contrainsts on my own interactions with others. I constantly worry I talk too long, or I'm oversharing, or I'm being selfish if I talk for a number of seconds on a topic. Oh gosh can anyone help 😔it's like trying to find an exit of a maze of your mind but there is no way out!! 😔

Can someone please help me, so before HOCD happened I used to watch sexual scenes Girl and boy. I have been avoiding all these kinds of scenes cuz then I think what if I am attracted to the women not the man. Is this a compulsion my mind always goes like you don't watch it because you know then it will prove that you are attracted to women.

this can’t be hocd, it just can’t just be ocd like no way. i’ve been going through this for almost a year and the only thing holding me back is porn. lesbian porn is the only one that can get me off quickly. gay porn is the one i enjoy the most and straight porn....just no i can’t. and it never used to be like that. everything would get me off it didn’t matter what it was, i’d just do a quick one and bounce. but what triggered me to watch lesbian porn rn was a video of billie eilish that i saw on instagram of her smacking her boobs and i felt aroused and i thought, you know what i might as well just deal with this. so i watched a video and i got off so quickly and the video of billie was just running in my mind as i was orgasming UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK I HATE THIS I DONT WANT TO BE WITH GIRLS BUT WHAT IF I DO?????? OH NO I HATE THIS I DONT WANT TO!!!!! IVE ONLY EVER WANTED TO BE WITH GUYS FFS AND I STILL DO. IVE NEVER KISSED A GUY OR HELD HANDS WITH A GUY OR HUGGED A GUY OR ANYTHING, THIS IS RUINING ME i still get aroused by guys but it’s not even when they do sexual things, they could just be sitting there smiling and i’d get aroused. UGHH I WANNA CRY. WHAT IF I NEVER GET AROUSED DURING SEX????? THEN I CANT HAVE KIDS AND ILL HAVE TO LEAVE MY HUSBAD FOR A WIFE?!?!?!? that sounds so wrong. I HATE MY LIFE I WANT TO JUST LEAVE THIS PLANET FOREVER AND EVER. it’s not fair. i want to have sex with guys and i want him to hold me and kiss me and touch me UGHHHH WHY ME. WHY MEEEEE FUCK😢 everyone reading this probably thinks i’m in denial and a lesbian/bi but i don’t think i am. i really don’t want to do things with girls i just see them as friends. this recovery would be so easy if i could just stop being aroused by boobs. maybe it’s cus i have small boobs so i want some too. but what if i’m just saying that to protect myself from the truth that i’m gay. what if i am gay.😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓 MY LIFE IS OVER. I DONT KNOW HOW YOU LESBIANS DO IT AND LIKE GIRLS AND SHIT BUT I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. IM NOT YOU 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞 please someone save me 😭😭😭😭

I have no anxiety anymore and I feel like I enjoy intrusive thoughts!! Is this normal?? Do I even have hocd or am I just using this as an excuse?? I'm honestly freaking outttt

I want to be honest with my psychologist about how terrible I truly feel emotionally but I’m scared she’ll hospitalize me in a mental hospital when I tell her I’m suicidal. I know I could vent without actually telling her about my suicidal thoughts but then I’d feel bad for not being honest. I’m scared. I want help but I don’t want to be hospitalized. Anyone have any advice on how to approach the subject when I do?

I think I may be developing a crush on my friend who isnt a guy, and I'm a straight girl, and I'm not alarmed by it? This friend is really nice, kind, good with words, funny, a great friend. I'm not panicking over it so I'm afraid I'm in denial, im actually really calm with the fact I may be attracted to them. Is this recovery or me being gay?

What should I do? Non ocd related. So I sense some of my family members don’t like me but tolerate me because well we’re family and we can’t get rid of each other. I don’t hate them but I don’t like them. And when ever my cousins come over at my house and their mom rush into my house really angry because they didn’t listen to her to take a shower, eat, etc... She yells at them so loud sometimes it stops me in my tracks and scare the shit outta me. So whenever her presence is near me I sometime shake cause of how nervous I am. I know she can’t hit me but her way of yelling at my cousins always just figteenings me and I can’t act like myself around her. I’m so gald she is not my mom. What should I do when she is near me to be confident in myself and act differently?

Anyone else with real event ocd? What tends to be your compulsions / intrusive thoughts

I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to die, but I honestly feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I have every single theme of ocd and my life is a living hell. I can’t trust anyone in my life, not even family, I’m constantly paranoid and thinking they’re going to do something horrible. And then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that. I just need help.

Another day where all I can do is ruminate cuz I have nothing to do but listen to music. Only thing I can do is watch college football but the only game interesting is BYU vs Coastal Carolina only cuz I want to see if the QB from BYU is worth the hype of being selected in the middle of the 1st rd. I only want to see if he’s a better decision maker and how athletic he is and what type of arm talent he has compared to my Broncos QB. Only other interesting game would be Wisconsin vs Indiana but Indiana lost there QB to a leg injury so it’s not the same.

I’m so sick of this. I can’t do anything I used to enjoy, because it all makes me feel guilty and like a fraud. And then if I think there’s no reason for me to feel that way, I think I’m going to become extreme again and cut ties with my family.

September 17th 2009 the day that changed everything in my life. It was the 3rd week of my senior football season. I was coming off of leading my team in tackles the week before and we were going against an opponent that was ranked in the state of Colorado. I was having a really good game and we were up. It was the 4th quarter and we kicked off the ball and I ran down and challenged there star running back and we collided meeting each other to see who was tougher and neither one of us moved. It was a hard hit but I didn’t move and he didn’t move so we were even. 1st time I’d ever met a dude straight up and didn’t knock him down. After the hit though my helmet felt like it was getting tighter and I couldn’t see and all I was thinking was why is my helmet feeling so tight and then it clicked to me “its not my helmet it’s my brain” it just expanded so much that it made me go blind for about 5-10 seconds. I was about to call to the sideline to take myself out but I didn’t cuz I was afraid I wouldn’t get back in so I stayed on the field and started to see a little bit and was able to get lined up and as soon as the other team snapped the ball my vision came back and I was ready to go. They threw a pass so I wasn’t in danger or anything. The very next play they threw another pass in my area and they completed it but my teammate made them fumbled and I ran seeing the receiver trying to recover it and instead of going for the ball I laid out the receiver so that my teammate could recover the fumble and we did and that was that. By then that fumble sealed are win. That was my last good game of the year. I wasn’t the same after that. My play was suffering and my grades too were suffering. I wasn’t supposed to play in the homecoming game but a couple of my teachers didn’t turn in my grade which made me eligible but not eligible. It was the 1st time that during the football season I wasn’t averaging a 3.0 gpa or higher. It was only when football season was over where my grades would slip. I could also tell that I just didn’t have the same the drive to play football. My demeanor for the 1st 3 games of the season was completely different from the rest of my season. I wanted to prove how good I was and after those 3 games I didn’t care anymore. After that game my life afterwards has been sealed and shut. 11 years later I’m where I was going to be after that hit. Even if I would’ve had a family as early as I wanted to I would still feel empty and lifeless. So it’s a good thing I didn’t have one cuz I’m going to fail regardless. I can do all the therapy I want to and I will still feel empty. I’ll have good days or good couple of hrs in a day but for the most part I’ll be sad and alone. I can take all the medication I want to take and it wouldn’t make a difference in my life. I know this now cuz after 2 yrs of therapy I still only have moments of being good but not everlasting. I’ve been sometimes diagnosed with bipolar disorder, psychosis, ocd, depression, and anxiety but nothing really conclusive or my therapist’s never want to fully give me a proper diagnosis or tell me since they can’t figure it out either or don’t want to tell me cuz they don’t want me to feel as if I’m some crazy person and do something stupid or whatever. All these symptoms all indicate to me one thing but I won’t actually know till I die cuz you can’t diagnose someone with CTE until they’re dead. I’ll know for sure in the next couple of years of how bad my mental health gets and if it gets worse then I’ll know I have CTE. If I get better than I don’t. But as I’ve seen throughout out my life my mental health just keeps getting worse and worse even with therapy my mental health is still worse. I just know how to cope with it better now than I did before but it still doesn’t change the fact of what I have to go through on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why the last time I had a therapy session with my previous therapist she couldn’t keep a straight face of telling me that she thinks that I will at least enjoy a life of independence and be somewhat ok. Who knows maybe she was trying to trigger me or something. But like I said I’ll know in the next couple of years of what’s really wrong with me and then decide then on what to do with my life.

For everyone that has hocd I realized I’ve struggled with this since around 11th grade and now I’m a freshman in college it all started randomly sometimes I’d look over at a man or someone in locker room and instantly think omg am I attracted to them and I’d start to get super nervous and anxious but when I had feelings for a women or was dating a girl it rarely happend then it started to happen a lot in college and when I moved home I obsess about it I test myself almost everyday and get no arousal from thinking of or seeing same sex stuff only still from opposite sex but these thoughts still try to twist my mind everytime I try to convince myself I’m straight or otherwise they twist it saying oh what about that one time see those thoughts this hocd feeds off of fear as long as we keep trying to push them out the more they find ways to stay it almost feels like there is no way to beat it and that u have to accept that ur gay and just start moving on with men but deep down u know ur straight and all ur feelings ur whole life point to it is it like this for anyone else I feel like the thoughts have completely taken over I feel lost and hopeless now like I’ve just been doubting all along even though I’ve had 2 therapists tell me it’s hocd/intrusive thoughts

Is there anyone on here who has actually beat this thing, because I am really starting to lose hope.. 12 years I have been fighting and I’m slowly starting to give up, I don’t think I have the strength in me to keep this up much longer... I have tried everything you can think of and none of it seems to help me, and now I’m starting to feel like it’s all pointless, I feel like I’ve already wasted most of my life, so by the time I got better i feel like it would be too late to do all the things I wanted to do.. I’m 22 and I know that’s young but there’s so many things I wanted to have accomplished by now, and now those years are all down the drain, and I don’t see any sign of me getting better anytime soon, so why should I waste more time?

Does hocd make you feel attraction to same gender and feelings ?. The thought of being gay depresses me 😞