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the NOCD Community

Success share: I discovered that I have ROCD just over 3 weeks ago and immediately went HAM on self treatment and guided ERP therapy. Today was the first time that I saw my #1 over zoom since that day, when she acknowledged that we had come close to a breaking point in our relationship, and when I first started ERP the thought of her NAME would electrocute me, let alone photos. I started with flooding and did kind of an all over the map hierarchy including minor and catastrophic things, and it was agonizing, but now... Today we had our zoom call, and I felt mostly calm and not triggered during it, and could manage my anxiety leading up to it. I have resisted my compulsions to ruminate on the call afterwards, though it's still a little tough, and I feel... Okay. And capable. And unconcerned about whether things will ultimately be alright, not because I feel reassured, but because I feel comfortable enough with uncertainty to let things be unclear. Do the work. It's so hard, but do the work. I did ERP for 1 to 4 hours per day, every day, for 3 weeks, and my triggers have dropped exponentially. I'm solving problems with somatic ocd as well, and I'm spending time with people I love without all of my mental energy being devoted to obsessing all day. Word to the wise: part of the exposure needs to be internalizing the possibility that you will fail, and that this won't work, and that you'll be stuck like this forever. Handle the fear of fear at the same time that you handle the fear of the thing. Godspeed yall

I’m scared to get on anxiety meds because of the very high possibility of ED

Fighting every ounce of me to not test by watching lesbian porn. I saw some picture of girls hugging in a bikini and I kept thinking if they’re naked would I like that? Could I hug my friends in a bikini! And I got a super strong groinal and ick. I just feel like such crap. I do not want to get with women, but what if I did it and loved it and left my husband bc our sex life isn’t great? I hate this so much.

Does anyone else feel insecure and bad about themselves whenever they see something many other people commonly have that they don't or have never gotten to begin with?

I can honestly remember when I was struggling with ocd and how crippling it was. I was too scared to go to a therapist or seek any kind of help in fears of being diagnosed with what I was afraid of. I’m so thankful for NOCD everyday, I have completely been myself with my therapist and NOCD is a judge free place. If you are thinking about seeking help here I highly recommend it. If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer:) thank you

Does anyone else think 'Maybe I'm talking because deep down I want attention. And I want the attention all on me.' this terrifies me because what if its the truth? I then worry when I speak I'm only speaking to get attention. I don't know if this is ocd or its the truth! And if it's the truth then I am scared I am a selfish, self absorbed person craving attention for others because I don't like myself. And that's when I worry it is true, that I look to others to like me so I will feel better. These thoughts have popped up the last 3 weeks and I'm so worried 😔😔tired and worried and scared

Hello guys, I’m new here. My name is Kevin, I am 23 years old and I’m suffering from false memory OCD. ...So, my OCD reached a peak now. I‘m convinced that I did something bad or evil I can‘t remember. There is just this feeling. No proof, nothing! Mainly it‘s cheating or cursin, which I would never do as true as I‘m standing here, in the present. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in my life and he deserved the best!! I know that there is no certainty that I am the best for him. But not only that, but rather I have this feeling that I destroy him. I can‘t live with it anymore and I definitely need a turnround in my thought pattern to be able to breathe again. I don‘t wanna lose him and I don‘t want to break up with him. Everything which comes in my mind, feels true. I don‘t know what to do anymore. There is this voice in my head which says „if you‘re not into his life anymore, you can‘t hurt him any longer“ but I love him more than anything else 🥺 (don‘t want to seek reassurance, because I know that it won‘t help.)

TW/ I don't know what to do anymore 😔 Struggling with real event/false memory ocd is so hard. Last weekend, I was planning on committing suicide but I couldn't tell my siblings what was wrong cuz I feel like they wouldn't understand. I feel so underserved and unwanted sometimes and it would be better if I leave this earth. I would compare myself to people who done harmful things to other people, but deep down inside I'm none of these people AT ALL. Tbh, I will be surprised if I make out alive by the end of next year. I struggle with self-harm as well and there are times where I really I had to fight the urge to self-harm. This has been so horrible because I failed all my classes this semester and I'm not sure if I'm going to be back to school next semester. I just feel like a failure. I don't even remember being fully happy. At this point I just want to leave and never come back. I know my friends and family would be sad when I committ suicide, but I think they would live a better life when I'm not in it.

Struggling today. I'm a school employee so we're off for 2 weeks. A break is great and all, but it's too much time on my hands. I don't know for sure why 5 months of quarantine was easy for me and this isn't, but here I am. I can't get in to see my therapist until after the break and that's assuming he's willing to just speak over the phone as opposed to Zoom. I'm trying not to ruminate, but it's been difficult finding something else to focus on.

Has anyone dealt with transgender or sexual orientation OCD? Like sometimes I question myself “do I want to be a guy” and I start getting anxiety bc I’ve never questioned my gender before. Then I’m like nah I don’t. But then the rumination starts and I start thinking “what if I’m in denial” then it starts making me sad bc I’ve thought I’ve liked being a girl. I was nervous to share this because I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way. I’m in no way trying to shame the LGBTQ+ community when I ask this question. And I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and if I have I will take this post down immediately. I support and will always support the LGBTQ+ community.

i’ve been struggling with incest ocd lately and i leave for a trip with my family tomorrow. i’m super nervous but in the end i know it’s a good exposure and will probably help my ocd in the long run but of course it’s still a bit scary. i’m hoping my ocd doesn’t flare up too much, wish me luck!

I am trapped in sin and I dont know if I can win. I saw my mother pass away from covid and I just imagine she in heavens with my God. But for me I dont know. I am like a slave to the sin, dont know if I will ever be sure of my salvation. Life goes fast as a blink of an eye. I dont know how it will end, but I want to be saved. I dont want deceive God or make fun when saying something but keeping doing the same mistakes. Its strange. I want to be a better person. But I dont know how. I feel like I dont have strenght left.

18+ only. Someone please help! My mind is racing right now. My partner is into true crime but I tend to avoid it bc of its triggering nature. Anyways, today she was watching a video about this guy who did bdsm needling and was also a murderer. (The two aren’t intertwined, ik) I’m not a kinky person bc ocd makes that very difficult for me. I did not know what needling was. She said she has watched needling porn and enjoyed it. I looked it up and am very concerned about the state of our relationship bc I would never engage in that practice.

At this point I don't know why I keep going. I don't see a reason to either. My ocd has returned during covid after six years of freedom. It's been six months and I don't have the will to keep going anymore. I have always dreamed of having a wife. Literally, I have had many many dreams of having a woman loving me and I've always wanted that from a young age. The thought always made me happy. My ocd is saying I want to be with a man even though I've never had the desire in my life. I personally find it disgusting but the ocd keeps saying I'm in denial, every time I've loved a woman has been fake. The worst part is the groinal response, it's either real or it's ocd's biggest "Fuck you". I don't get erections but it almost feels like I'm about to and it scares me. I'm always hyperaware of my penis area as well. I've always viewed men as comrades and nothing more. During covid my ocd has attacked many things with different themes. My country, the people I look up to, my faith, family, children. Is that normal? Speaking of faith mine is destroyed, I've prayed hundreds of times for help yet nothing has come my way. A simple answer could be that he doesn't exist at all. Why should I keep going for ocd to return later in life? I don't want to recover to go through it bad a third time. So honestly I'm considering suicide. From what I know ocd is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain so it seems I'm made to suffer. I don't see a way out. My schedule is garbage with covid. This isn't a life worth living if everything I've wanted is gone. Everyone has a mental breaking point. I don't know why I've typed this. Some way to vent? If this is the hill I die on so be it. I've always liked women only. A wife is all I've wanted.

Rocd ruined my life. I got broken up with. I’m desperate and need him back. Please help.

My ocd has convince me I’m bisexual and that I like women even though I’ve always identified as a homosexual my whole life and never been interested in women for 26 years of my life. I’m tired of this but I feel I have to form to terms with my bisexuality even if I’m not.

Hi everyone. First time here. I suffer from Contamination OCD. I have a good support group in friends, family, and my boyfriend, but I have not met anyone else with OCD and I needed to reach out to others to find help. I first got OCD when I was 17 (I am now 33) and was able to go into remission, but COVID brought it back. I was struggling at work (which was outside with the public). I found a therapist and she wrote me a doctor’s note suggesting I be allowed to work from home. My work was not accommodating at all and only offered me FMLA leave, so I took it as my only option and eventually got on Short Term Disability. The whole process took forever and was incredibly stressful. My leave was supposed to be a time of healing and it just made my OCD symptoms worse. My employer basically treated me as though I was trying to get out of work and proved to me that though they talk about the importance of mental health, they don’t take mental health seriously. I ended up having to leave my job “involuntarily due to health reasons” as they would not grant an extension nor let me return with any restrictions/accommodations. My therapist seemed good at first, but it became clear that she wasn’t really helping me. She would often use our sessions to vent about the insurance company and in one session, she basically called me a hopeless case and kept saying “I don’t know. I am concerned. I don’t know how you are going to be able to function” and threw out the word hospitalization, though she did backtrack on that one. I struggle everyday. I am worried that something from outside of the home touched something clean and is now contaminated. I need help working through this. I am constantly looking for reassurance, question if things are clean, wash my hands, use too many disinfectant wipes, and take showers upwards of 50-60 mins. I feel like my mind is being taken over by my OCD, I’m losing time, and it’s straining my relationship. For anyone who is struggling with contamination OCD brought on by COVID - any tips? My therapist never gave me anything specific to work on with this - to help me focus on something else. I am in the process of finding another therapist, but until then - any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I have been suffering from OCD for many years. I am on numerous medications through my psychiatrist and have been in therapy for over a year. I don’t feel like things have necessarily gotten better. While ERP has been a big part of my therapy, it has become harder to trust in the process. Has anyone experienced treatment-resistant OCD? I take responsibility for not being as dedicated to ERP as I was when I started, but I am so frustrated with my lack of progress. Any feedback would be appreciated!

Need advice. I’m having trouble accepting that my boyfriend is moving in with a group of people I don’t know. We have never lived together but always planned on moving in soon. He’s now moving in with people I don’t know and can’t help he’s leaving me behind. I’m trying so hard to understand and I just can’t. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. It’s going to break our relationship. It’s irrational but I still feel it. I just can’t let it go for some reason. Reassurance isn’t even an option here and I’m terrified we are going to break up.

My OCD is surrounded by my ex . His birthday is next week and I Know I can’t call him . It was a very toxic , abusive relationship. We worked together and I see the Coronavirus as a blessing in disguise . Since I didn’t see him every day ( working from home still), it gave me the courage to tell him I was going to block him and that I needed to focus on my OCD. Three years in a relationship with him and I lost myself . While working with him at work,I was walking on eggshells every time I used the bathroom or got a water break . I got accused if a guy got up when I did to use the bathroom or had to reassure him that no one tried to have a conversation with me . He was so controlling and paranoid. He was an alcoholic for the first two years . I helped him get sober . Once he got sober , his anger , paranoia got worse . He was obsessed with me and if any guy tried to talk to me . He even started to think his neighbors were out to get him . If he walked around his apartment and if he heard footsteps , he thought his neighbors were mocking the way he walked . I need a reality check . I did do the right thing by blocking him bc he made me feeel soooo guilty . My heart is breaking .