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the NOCD Community

I’ll start by saying I can’t even believe I’m here. I had my first interaction with HOCD at about 14! I would cry myself to sleep confused about my sexuality!!! It last about 5 months! And I was free! I went on to date amazing women feel in love with a few, hooked up with a a lot after nights at the club! Social media. I was happy and content I would have satisfaction with my sexuality never questioning it! A decade past of fulfillment! I fell in love! Was enjoying every bit of it and 1 night I had a what it thought! What if I’m not In love and what if I’m gay! Even though I’ve never been gay never had any interactions with the same sex I don’t even look at men like this, and ever since I’ve been doomed! Back depressed back sad having daily anxiety! I even had to confess to my woman, my brother, my mother everybody what’s going on because it happened when I was 14 I wasn’t new to it at all they remember me going through this my family at least! I don’t know why I’m so bothered by the thought of being gay I guess it’s because I know I’ve never been gay so the thought would make my whole life a lie. I just wish I could go back to being myself!!!! I’ve be feeling out of my body, out of control confused! And seeking help!

Can bisexual people have HOCD, fear of losing attraction to one sex? I just wanna ask a question about bisexuality and HOCD. As of recent, I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot. Since I was younger I’ve always known I’ve been attracted to women, and my romantic interests have all been women. I’ve always known that I have an attarction to women, that I knew 100 percent. But my attarction with guys has always been questioning. I have had gay thoughts and fantasies, I’ve found some men attractive and masturbated and have been aroused by gay pornography. Yet it’s all still really questioning for me, I’m a firm believer that everybody is slightly bisexual, we all fit on the spectrum some way. As a result I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m mostly straight/slightly bisexual. With this questioning, it hasn’t been very comfortable but it hasn’t been extremely distressing. But a lot of this quetsioning I guess stems from porn, I don’t think porn is a good indicator of sexuality. I mean it’s produced for the intention of arousal, that’s the whole point. Yet I began obsessing over whether I was enjoying gay porn more than straight. I’ve found myslef looking at both and began comparing my experience with both. I feel like this is what triggered it all, as I began obsessing. It felt like I wasn’t enjoying or getting as aroused by straight porn as I previously had, or then with gay porn. But this was all questioning I didn’t know if it was concrete. I then looked at straight porn and I didn’t immediately arouse me, I started panicking. It then seemed suddenly overnight I had lost all my attraction to women. My attarction is to women, I’ve always been 100% sure of. This sudden loss of attarction felt EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTBABLE. This is when I began to suspect this was a theme of OCD. With normal questioning, it wasn’t comfortable but it wasn’t as distressing as this. I began obsessing over the fear of lost my attraction to women, and it felt so real. It felt like I could no longer get aroused, it felt all my attarction had disappeared, and I started freaking out. Suddenly overnight it all seemed to disappear and it was terrifying. I really think that this is OCD, I couldnt stop ruminating and researching and it brought me extreme distress. When I quetsion whether I have an attarction to guys, it doesn’t feel that uncomfortable really. That’s where my question really stems from, I don’t really have a problem with having an attraction to guys. I’m still trying to figure out whether I’m heretosexual or bisexual, or somewhere in between. Yet what I am terrified of is my loss of attarction to women, that is so terrifying and distressing to me and has lead to so much rumination and stress and anxiety. The thought of being bisexual doesnt trouble me, yet loosing attarction to women does. It just doesn’t feel right and it feels so scary, especially as I’m currently in a relationship. I love her so much and my sexual orientation changing is such a scary thought in how it could effect us. Prior to all of this I was sure of my attarction to women, now I’m not and that’s so scary to me. And that’s really what my question is, can bisexual people have HOCD over the fear of loosing attraction?

I don’t know why I’m embarrassed to mediate

question for hocd sufferers - did any of you ever have fantasies about the lesbian/gay porn you were watching and climax and did any of you ever have a fantasy about a friend ? i did due to how much i watched porn and its really messing me up. i never saw her that way and still don’t but it just won’t leave my mind, sometimes i don’t even think it ever happened but it feels so real so i’m not even sure. i feel alone, can anyone relate? and if you have advice it would be nice 🤍

Seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on the 30th and now that it's getting closer to the day the more nervous I am. I 100% want help. I need help. I feel like my mind has pulled me back from so much in my life whether it's being around my family, friends and just getting the motivation to do anything I love to do because I feel like I don't deserve love or happiness. My parents know everything that's going on with me thanks to the constant reassurance I need to get by which now turned into regret because I hate that I brought them into this when they don't even believe I could possibly have OCD. I would much rather it be all in my head rather than mean something about me or be real. I don't want it to be real. I'm afraid all the time of my thoughts and feelings I feel like I'm going to take it out on myself because I really do hate myself so much. And it's funny because if it was anyone else in the world I would do whatever it took for them to know how much they matter and that it's not their fault but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. That I did this to myself. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time I just want my life back. I want to be properly diagnosed but I'm probably going to hold back some details until I know for sure the psychiatrist is understanding of ocd and the symptoms of every version of it. My heart goes out to any struggling this time of year or even this year at all. Let's go into 2021 with much positivity and love. Let's get through this together 🙏🏻

i don’t feel like me. i feel like i’ve changed. i guess i feel hollow. I don’t like the thoughts i get but i feel like maybe i do. The meds have pretty much stopped the anxiety and helped the false attraction and the frequency of the thoughts but i still get quite a few and they are repetitive and definitely distressing. i don’t like who i am at the moment. i miss that feeling of having a crush on this boy. and i haven’t had a day ‘free’ of this for ages. it makes me feel like “maybe it’s because your gay”. NO. i don’t want to be. I used to want to have children say nice i was a young girl. and now i feel dead. that’s how i feel DEAD

I felt love yesterday but today I don’t.... what is wrong with me.... how can you tell if u really don’t love someone?... 😞 I don’t wanna tell him that bc I know I do love him a lot but I just feel like I am faking it.... I hate ocd

I just feel so trapped and alone with my thoughts I don’t know how to handle this or what to do anymore

after ERP can you handle your thoughts without ruminating? because I dont think it will ever go away and that makes me sad cuz I cant have this forever cuz it will.kill me

When people on here say they are having an ocd attack i feel like im in constant attack my brain just doesnt stop thinking if im gay or not. I just want my life back

Anyone else really bored and feeling Lonely in the world when you still have a good support system but you still feel out of place ?

Have panic attacks. I struggle with major anxiety and am struggling taking care of myself with food and exercise and my social needs are pretty neglected cause the pandemic. I’m starting to feel depressed. Anyways it’s bed time and my heart’s beating slow but feels like it’s racing I’m taking deep breaths. Not motivated to take care of myself though bc of financial stuff for food and I live in an apartment in winter so exercise is hard

Asking for a friend, I have gone through therapy on the NOCD app and it has helped tremendously. I guess I just want to rant a little and see if anyone feels the same. I was just wondering if anyone that experiences ROCD can relate to this. I find myself constantly comparing my relationship to others and of course questioning if it is a good one at all. My boyfriend supports me through all my endeavors, especially with supporting me through my OCD and I love him dearly. That is why I guess these thoughts cause so much distress.. it is hard to trust myself because I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship before this one and I thought it was perfectly normal. I have dreams where I’ll date other guys and wake up mad at my boyfriend for either not doing little things like buy me flowers (which is dumb compared to the love he has for me) or I’ll wake up and be spiral into thinking about if I love him why would I be having these dreams. It’s like my OCD loves to keep me in the loop.

I can't get medication or therepy and I can't take this anymore. I've been a straight man my entire life, always wanted a wife and this says otherwise. The thing worse than the thoughts and disgusting images is the groinal response. I can't take this anymore. Six months of this shit and a garbage year in general. Covid, my girlfriend cheating and leaving, laid off at work despite working hard, total isolation, then this. I had ocd during childhood and youth now it's back. This has said many things over the years but the things it's said past six months are, -Ive always been trans but never knew -Im want to be trans -Im a pédo -Im a râpist - I'm a traitor to my country -Id rather fight for the axis than the allies -Our veterans are scumbags -I want to beat women -I want to load a shotgun and shoot my family -I like incest -I want to fuck animals -im going to hell - I don't believe in my Catholic faith - The one that's been the worst, I'm gay I don't want to be or do those things. I don't. I've thought of myself as a decent man and I loved who I was before this. I don't want to live anymore. I've looked for reasons to keep going yet I find nothing. The whole "You have so much to live for!" has only given me little hope and strength in the early stages of this. It does nothing for me anymore. With the groinal response it's like I've turned gay. HOCD It's attacked friends, people I look up to, family. So many people. I just want to curl up and die. I just want to fucking die

anyone else laugh at how silly their thoughts are and then get hit in the face with them and get anxiety the day after ? 🙄🙄

is confessing to lessen the guilt a compulsion?

hey, my hocd has been terrible the past few days im a ‘straight’ female, with a wonderful boyfriend of a year and a bit and he’s my everything. about a year ago my friends told me they were bi, that made me question if i wanted to be bi too, i thought about it and got worried for an hour maybe and then realised, don’t be silly you haven’t been aroused by a woman before or have felt the want to be with a woman or anything like that, and that’s true i had not. maybe the odd ‘celeb crush’ like omggg that girls so hot, but never to the extent of wanting to sido anything sexual with them or date them, in fact the thought of touching vaginas ect made me uncomfortable because it’s just not something i was interested in. ever since then i sat comfy being straight but still trying to fit in with my friends so i would say to them things like ‘i don’t like labels’ even though i knew god damn well i was straight. that passed and i was honest with them and just said you know what i think i am straight i just wanted to fit in with you guys, as you seemed so happy about it. i moved on being a comfortable straight for a long time. one day in early november i got a thought that i liked one of my male friend, that kick started my rocd, i had that for a while back and forth ‘do i love my bf’ ‘do i like other guys’. a week or so after that i was on my phone and saw the word ‘lesbian’ this triggered my intrusive thoughts to tell me i was bi or lesbian or wanted to be with a girl. and for ages i felt so uncomfortable and scared and panicked and nauseous about the idea of liking girl because i hadn’t thought about it in such depth before, the thoughts don’t give me pleasure i don’t think, they make me feel terrified and sick. but right know they have come back so severe i really nice questioning myself, and i don’t want to like girls i really really really don’t. it isn’t something that i want but it’s something that i feel like i have to do, my brain is telling me i am in denial because of my past day of questioning to try and fit in, i really don’t want to like girls. but i can’t help but ask myself over and over if i really would. i want to be with my boyfriend and be straight, i like the label of being straight, that’s what makes me comfortable. but now i’m terrified i like women, i feel so suicidal over it. i would do anything for the thoughts and pain to go away and never come back. any advice ??

How can I cope? During suffering endlessly with my Ocd having to tolerate this family. My mother always triggers me because she always wants to be close. I don't and never have and I've suffered way too long pretending. Years. I'm grown ffs but the responsibility I feel. Can someone pls help and talk with me!? How do I cope when fighting my Ocd and craving space and to be on my own. Its so so so debilitating. I don't want to be close to her and I never have I don't like feeling forced cos society thinks we 'should' be close. But this is extra hard whilst I'm dealing with my Ocd I can't cope anymore. Pls help.

So my psychiatrist doesn’t think I have OCD. Should I still keep this app in my phone?

So my hocd makes me think of men all day and night thoughts telling me thats what i want. But in my dream last night i was dreaming about girls and it felt so good and right what is happening here ? 😞