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Anyone with Relationship + Harm OCD?

I want to learn more about Christ... But... How? I feel like an intense study of the scriptures would help, but I rarely feel the happy warm feeling I want to feel when I read about Him... I feel like I read and just feel kind of neutral when I feel like I should be like mind blown and crying with emotion... Haha. I know that isn't realistic. But how do I form a deep relationship with Christ, without... Feeling like I have to study him in the perfect way for it to count? Or without feeling that I am bad for not having some huge spiritual experience every time, something I know isn't how he works? Anyone relate or know how to chill out about this / be more successful?

For anyone that’s done ERP, what’s usually the goal and purpose of it? I start next week and I know I’ll get more answers then but just curious of anyone’s experience, and I know everyone’s situation is different but I don’t really fully understand the goal of ERP

My OCD is horrible today. I've not given up and just got into bed from the fear in a long time but that's what I've done tonight. I know in the past I've tried to convince myself of things that I now know aren't true such as if I did something wrong I tried to convince myself I hadn't done anything. Now I bet I have some of those patterns of thinking in other areas and I'm so frightened that in another way I'm lying to myself. Does this make sense? Please someone help me

I swear my life is cursed i feel like im attracted to men more than women. Sometimes i get little flashes of my attraction back. Can someone tell me some of the things they say in there head if they do ?

Lately I’ve been having this thought about if I have to experiment with people sexually. I don’t really want to and sex isn’t really my thing anyway, but I keep having this thought “you should experiment with girls” “that’s the only way you’ll know for sure” can I know for sure without experimenting? Can I trust myself? I was trusting myself, but now I don’t. I feel obligated to do this thing that I’m honestly afraid of and don’t want to do.

how open are you about having ocd? for example do you share your subtypes/themes with people or someone your close with? I am starting to be more open about it with one of my former teachers that I still have a friendship with outside of school and I don’t know how specific or vague I should be. I want him to understand what ocd is and what I live with but also ocd themes can be taboo and uncomfortable to talk about. I have the same question for what I should tell my family.

people with religious ocd: is anyone else terrified of doing ert because you’re afraid it’s gonna “harden your heart” towards sin? because that’s the main reason i haven’t done it :/

Have not came on here in a while and this is the only platform I can write what's on my mind . I'm really tired, frustrated, angry sad and depressed about my fucking life. I dont know why I'm alive. Like I just bursting out in tears. My whole stupid family is shit too. They dont give a fuck about me. My dad dont pay attention and ruined the whole family, my mom quarrels too much and she beeve tries to listen, understand and sit down to talk she just shouts and gets mad and stressed herself out and my sister does not care or pay attention about me, she says she loves me but she always lying about that . Me on the other hand , i am suffering so.mich with mental illness, anxiety, depression, OCD and who knows what else. I feel so alone, in a dark place. A place I am trying to get out of, it's tough. I cry everyday and I'm not happy and I feel like I have NO ONE. Fuck friends too, they dont care about me. I have tried to be a good person to everyone and that's the life I get. I have given my all, showed love despite my.moody attitude tried to make people smile when I was down.. I dont know what to do. Just give yo at this point. No point in living , no point in life. MY LIFE IS GARBAGE, A PIECE OF TRASH , THE FUCKING WORST.

If you have worries about your reality or what happens after death, please dont read this. I was on social media scrolling through when I saw a prediction about a zombie apocalypse and the world ending in 2021. I'm full on panicking right now. Happy new years I guess :(

Existential Anxiety Anyone else question their life’s purpose or wonder if there is an afterlife. I have been obsessing over the idea that we are mortal and it’s stressing me out. I want to live in the moment and enjoy my life, but I can’t stop obsessing over these thoughts. Can anyone relate? What helps?

I wish I could let go of this. I would give anything to be okay. I just want my husband. I feel like I’m a lesbian in denial. No other girl here sounds as much as a girl in denial as me

i just think i’m bi but literally just can’t accept it. every time i try and tell myself i’m bisexual i cry but it feels so real right now.

Hello! I am a new member. I am from Brasil! First of all, I wish all of you a happy new year and i hope to help wth my ocd treatment experience.

In March, I started suffering from sexual orientation OCD (a new theme for me). Basically, I became obsessed with a thought that I might be straight after randomly getting aroused by a woman in a movie. Prior to that, I had mainly suffered from health-related obsessions. My anxiety hasn't subsided. I keep questioning and checking. I've read books about OCD, listened to countless podcasts - nothing helps. I've never been so depressed and apathetic on New Year's Eve. I ended up relapsing because a thought popped into my brain that you cannot resist your urges. I ended up watching porn today "to check". I understand that the sense of urgency, inevitably, and uncertainty is typical for OCD but my brain won't negotiate (especially when I get an erection because of intrusive thoughts).

TW TW TW: SOOCD/HOCD/TOCD Hi. I'm really scared to write this rn but idk what to do. When I first had intrusive thoughts about "I'm gay" it made me so anxious, but then I tried to reason with them because I was like I mean ok it could make sense that I'm bi maybe? And I would check and check and it seemed like I liked girls and I actually really thought I did and that I was enjoying it and bam there was nothing for boys anymore. This really stressed me out. I avoided watching any movies/shows that triggered me specifically I remember I couldn't watch Hustlers for more than 5 min nor could I watch Magic Mike. I was constantly stalking people on IG that had come out after being straight all their life trying to find clues or comparisons. I ended up having to delete all social media because it became a huge trigger for me. This all was over the summertime. Then my boyfriend came home (he lives in cali and I am on the east coast) and everything was great and the thoughts weren't *as* present but I still feared this meant something about us and from time to time intrusive thoughts would pop up when I was with him. Fast forward a couple months; I was with my friends and there was a tweet that said "if you're bi why is your phone case clear" and a couple of my friends that were in the car are bi and they were laughing and were like "wait you have a clear phone case too right?" I didn't realize how bad this triggered me until I was up all night distressed about why she thought I was bi when I've never told her that, then the next day I felt like I HAD to tell my boyfriend. It was this urge I just needed to get it out I couldn't hold it in any longer. I felt so guilty and just so confused I didn't know what was happening to me anymore. I called him and I told him I thought I was bi, he said he loved me and always will and obviously won't leave, but he was really confused! And when he said that, I was like me too I'm just as confused as you. I was expecting some sort of huge relief but I got none and still was just questioning everything. Then I was hit with TOCD around thanksgiving and the experience with that was a lot different than mine with HOCD. It seemed to be a lot more intense; the intrusive thoughts about that were there 24/7. And during this time all I could think was "why can't the thoughts about being lesbian come back" !! My brain tried to twist and turn everything "you thought you were lesbian at first because you were trying to cover up the fact that you are a straight man" and at the time... it felt so real that it almost made sense. I guess in my anxious state I try and reason with anything to just try and make it make sense. Before the TOCD, I hadn't googled or researched anything because I was too scared the results were going to come up saying I was my biggest fear. So I steered clear and tried to just "figure it out" (lol obviously a huge mistake, wish I would've known about this sooner). & once I googled intrusive thoughts; I saw everything I had been experiencing and finally felt some relief (but not really). Anyways, I'm now struggling again because I'm worried because I thought I liked it at first means it was true. Everyone's experiences are filled with disgust or an immediate sense that somethings terribly wrong and mine wasn't like that. I feel like it's all muddled because In the past I had been like, "yeah, I think I would hook up with a girl one day!" so those thoughts actually felt like they could be real. Idk. I realize I probably just sound like I'm in denial 😞I feel like I'm desperately trying to connect my HOCD w TOCD when they could be separate. One could be OCD and one could be real. Sometimes I feel like this person my brain has created would enjoy things, but if I were to step back into reality as my old real self, I would never do these things I have my appointment w a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to get this out because I have been stressing out. Could this also be a compulsion? Lol I feel like I can't do anything right. If you're still reading, thank you & happy New Year's Eve <3

Does anyone know if you just develop OCD out of nowhere? I have been dealing with stress and grief and I’ve always had a tendency to have some anxiety but always manageable. In the past few months anxiety has been really high. I was put on Xanax and then Ativan for a total of 4-5 weeks during that time my anxiety seemed to worsen and insomnia worsen, then I tried zoloft for a week and with that and the meds I suddenly got intrusive harm thoughts ever since then (been 3 or 4 weeks) and I’m also off meds now the thoughts got slightly better but I feel a lot of shame and guilt from them and the theme of them were so disturbing. I thought this means that it might happen and that’s what’s been really bothering me for several weeks now. I didn’t know this kind of thing existed until coming across an OCD intrusive thoughts podcast. I research a ton for hours trying to find out why it started for me and what it means and I’d it will be there forever or if it was just from the medicines and anxiety? I don’t seem to be having a ton of new thoughts they just keep recycling back to the theme of the original ones that went on for several days to a week or so... and in between I’m getting some random visualizations of the thoughts as well as others that tend to be on the same theme or morbid type. I’m working on trying not to put emotion to these and recognize they are just thoughts but it is hard to do. Also is it normal to have the visualization with the thoughts? Just need some insight. Thank you.

Hi! My name is Judy I'm 18 year old, but I've been struggling with ocd for a long time. My first symptoms appeared at the age of 5. I was scared to eat anything, or swallow my saliva because I was scared that I touched somethimg poisonous and I will die. Thanks to God, after that episode I had a peaceful time until I became 11. Then, there was a boy in my old school, who was 4 years older than me, and did some inappropiate things to me. He touched my ass or my breasts while I didn't want it. Once, he forced me to touch his penis (through pants), and that's when everything bad started. After that I started to wash my hands, because I felt that I am no more pure and I might be pregnant if I don't wash my hands. Sometimes this intrusive thought comes back, and it still haunts me. My hands are so bruised and dry that I have to heal it with hand creams every day. I avoided the number 4, because that was the age difference between me and this boy, and I also avoided the number 6 because that's the age difference between me and my brother, and I was scared of intrusive thoughts about incest. When I was 15, I've met my ex boyfriend. I really liked him, but there was this thoughts, that I didn't really love him, and instead of him, I'm attracted to my boy best friend, when I clearly wasn't and I didn't want it. It got worse when my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he liked another girl. I didn't eat, I just slept all day, because that was the only time when I didn't get intrusive thoughts. I didn't want to die, but neither wanted to live. My family and friends thought this was because of heartbreak, but no, this was my intrusive thought, that did that to me. That was in may, and by the time it got better, but in July there was a camp, where I looked after little kids, and the thought came: "What if I'm attracted to them?" It was horrifying, and I tried to doubt this thoughts, and avoid the kids, but before the thoughts came, I'd become really good friends with them, so it was hard to avoid them. Strangely, the thoughts became less intrusive and rare, when I played with them, and my best friend started to talk about things like boys. Then, I had intrusive thoughts sometimes, but I can say, I had a really peaceful time for 1 and a half year. Things got worse in June, 2020. I started to have all the intrusive thought and all the compulsions I had before in my life. First the hand washing with the fear of becoming pregnant, than I started to fear that somehow I am attracted to dogs when I heard a story like that. I had sexual orientation OCD also. When I was on the bus, I accidentally touched the side of the girl who sat next to me, and I feared that she took it as a sexual assault, although I said sorry, and she said it was fine. Now I've been at home for 2 months, I have zero motivation, some of my friends betrayed me, and pocd came back. Now I am not scared that I will abuse a child, but I have intrusive thoughts that I am attracted to them, and sometimes when I have strong compulsions there is groinal response with the strong intrusive thoughts, and it just kills me. I can't look at a child, because I fear the thoughts will came with it. I hate myself, I don't think I deserve to live, I don't think I deserve all the scholarships and love that I get with my short stories and with my botany and chemistry studies. It's hard, because I'm a literature and enviroment activist, I have to do so much things, but I can't because I think I don't deserve it. The worst feeling is that I feel sorry for my parents and my friends because they love a person like me. They are the only cause I want to find a solution to get better, because I know they couldn't bear if I was dead. I don't want to disappoint them either. I told everything some of my friends, and they said, if the thoughts were true, it still wouldn't matter, because I would never act upon them, and I do so many good things. But somehow it isn't enough for me, I want to be totally normal and healthy. I want to have kids in the future and want to help other kids who have difficulties in life without these intrusive thoughts, without the fear that I will hurt anyone the way that boy hurt me when I was 11. Sometimes I think some of these things aren't really ocd and I just doubt these things because I want to reduce my anxiety, and I don't want to think that I am a bad person, and I don't want others to think I am a bad person. I also feel guilt when I don't try to doubt my thoughts and I actually have a good time without them. I tried to tell my mother about that, but she didn't really understand it. She said everybody have their own intrusive thoughts and obsessions and for that I don't need a therapist, because I'm just insecure because of the hormones and the uncertainity of teenage life. I don't really blame her. My mother is a really good person, but she struggled worse things in her teenage years, and there were no therapist in that era in our country. She has ocd too, but she learned to manage it by herself, and that's why she thinks that way. Also, there isn't an ocd specialist where we live. I know, that everything I fear probably isn't true and it's my ocd. If I'm so scared of these thoughts, then maybe it shows the things that are important to me, and the things I don't want to happen in life. I started to work with an ocd workbook, which is an ERP-CBT self help book, and I started to meditate. I also write self-love journal, and drink St.John's wort tea, because I know maybe they will help me to feel less worthless. I don't know how well will it work, but it's better then nothing until I find an ocd specialist in my area. Now I don't have much hope, but when I can clear my mind, I believe for a moment that everything will be fine with time, everything will fade away once, even the intrusive toughts will fade away, because that's the circle of life. I hope it will get better when I return to school in february. What do you think? Is everything I experienced really just ocd? Is it possible that the intrusive thoughts came back to my life because of the pandemic and loneliness? Will it get better when I'll have tasks and works I had to do? Will it ever go away if I believe, with time, I can make a difference in my mind? Thank you, that you read my story, even if it was long. It really gives me hope that I'm not alone, there are people, who struggles with the same things as me (even if sometimes I fear this is not ocd). Take care, and good luck!

I read about People with ocd that had their symptoms before finding out what ocd is and it makes me think I am faking it because I cycle Quickly between different compulsions and make up New ones and I dont even think they calm me down. Its so weird. Before reading about ocd and being in online communities I only had some of the compulsions and they were entirely mental but afterwards they got worse and I got some more obvious ones. My main compulsion was checking mentally but now I might repeat phrases a certain amount of times and think this makes me a fraud.

Has anyone ever experienced suicidal thoughts while also being absolutely terrified of death? Like you feel like you can't do it anymore and you just want to end it all but also when you think about actually dying you become extremely anxious