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If there any girls on here w HOCD I feel really afraid and alone right now

Hey everyone! I need some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. And I love him very much and I think we bring out the best in each other and he’s my favorite person to be around. And I deal with a lot of relationship OCD but I think I’ve got it in check for the most part. However- I have this compulsion that I’ve had pretty much since we started dating. I check his ex’s social media way too often.. like at least once a day.. and I’m not sure exactly why? I don’t know what I’m “looking for” exactly but every day I have this urge to check to see if she updated her status or added a new picture or made a new TikTok. It’s debilitating and makes me feel so so guilty. I get really anxious and start ruminating about the fact that he dated her before me, and that he had feelings for her at one point in time, and for some reason my brain tells me that he might still have feelings (even though there are literally no signs that point to that being true) and I check her social media almost as a way to see if I can find any clues??? I know it’s really self destructive and I’ve gone a few days without doing it but I don’t know why it’s so hard for me not to? It’s so embarrassing and makes me feel super insecure. I know the simple answer is “well just stop”.. but why is that so hard for me to do???

I’m sobbing at work. I’m turned on by women in porn and used to masturbate to pictures of boobs as a kid. That is gay. I’m so sad. I didn’t want this to happen and I love my husband but I know now I’m lying. I just want the freedom to have sex with him without crying. Im never going to be happy. And I don’t see my therapist for a long time. I don’t know how to be okay. Why are naked men not arousing? Why does everyone think I’m gay. I hate my life and sometimes think I can’t live this way.

Can someone read this? I'm starting to get worried about this. I'm fucking scared I'm starting to get by aroused to this. I don't know if it's me being hyperaware of my penis area or the anxiety I get when exposed to triggers. I've always been attracted to women only my entire life with no desire otherwise, I've always enjoyed relationships with women and wanted a wife. Now it seems I get aroused slower than before. I've never been attracted to men and I don't want to be attracted to them now. I can't take this anymore. I broke down yesterday saying, "I hate you" over and over. I don't know if I was talking to God, ocd, or myself. I want to be my normal self again. My ocd has been more quiet recently and went from it screaming in my head constantly to almost quiet. Now I feel I've turned gay. I've always wanted a wife. I don't want to change. I don't have money for medication or therepy because of Covid and getting laid off. I feel fucked.

It really triggers me when girls are in relationships/ marriages w men and then come out as gay... like what if this is my future :(

I'm fairly positive reading what people are going through that I definitely have OCD themes... My therapist that I'm seeing now is a drug and alcohol counselor and is targeting my use of Marijuana as a self help tool and I now want to not be smoking because it makes me uncomfortable... now... it used to help? I don't know really... It was the only session I could get in short notice? Not good at this whole 'adult life' thing.. For some background information I started a new job back in August due to needing to get myself out of an uncomfortable situation where I was staying while going to college, I honestly became complacent in my comfort there until I was snapped at and told " remember your staying here for free" You told me that I was okay to do so? Anyway, moving forward I stayed with another friends family ( I've been at risk of homeless since I was 16 and diagnosed with Chronic Depression at 15) ((now 25)) this all was happening around a year ago.. I got a job! SUCCESS! Or I thought so? I was doing really well until I got comfortable again... then I started opening my mouth about what I didn't appreciate... you don't do that at work... but I did... knowingly too... like I wanted to test my limits? Their limits of me? They wanted to push me harder than everyone else... everyone else got breaks when I was the one working the hardest... I worked nights, wasn't getting decent sleep, I wasn't eating much, and I dropped from 210 lbs in June to now under 160... my healthy weight is 180... I started hallucinating voices from work while I was at home... I started to just sit in my car for hours after I got back home... I even caught myself looking at things I really shouldn't be in a public setting... and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has noticed... I live in an apartment complex... ( my first apartment) ((also my first bedroom I felt was somewhat actually mine in a long... long time...)) so now I'm paranoid that people see me looking around at other people and are seeing me looking at these things ( not even X rated) on my phone and I've even caught myself with my hand in my pants... (( suicidegirls Instagram page)) Also paranoid that before I got my blanket up across my window that the neighbors saw me doing things while checking to see if anyone was coming home... (no lock on the bedroom door..) They have kids, and if I remember correctly they definitely saw and were quite upset at me being close to my window 🙃 (yay POCD trigger) There are people of all kinds in my apartments so my POCD themes definitely have kicked in full swing now... If I look at a kid there is only a few things that go through my head ( who is watching this kid (( if they're alone or in a group of kids)) man I wish I could be a kid again... and does anyone know how susceptible kids are to damage without anyone meaning to hurt them?) I don't know if these things are normal... I don't think of kids as something I want sexually but I was active sexually as a kid and I see that potential in kids when I see them) Now I'm paranoid to even leave my house and have full blown anxiety attacks going into work aswell because I feel like I have a target on my back... I don't know why I have to do these things to myself... why can't I just be a normal person and live a normal life... Now I'm terrified that my situation is going to put me back into a homeless situation again and I just got into my first apartment... I have been as honest about what's going on with everyone that I can be... but it seems like people either don't believe what I'm saying or?... I don't know really... I feel like I'm under investigation and my fears of becoming like my parents ( manic depressive bipolar /skitzophrenic) is causing me even more stress and antagonizing my situation... Again, adulting is hard, insurance was difficult being in a job that hasn't fully hired you on yet? And you didn't get on blue cross because they're changing their insurance system? And now they've put you back on the state insurance you were on? But you can't be working and be on that insurance? I'm so tired of jumping through their hoops... I create enough of my own... So through that my suicidal thoughts came back... (yay depression 🙃) but then I was just trying to use the system right? Ya, because that's not something I've avoided my whole life in fear of what I'm running from... ( my mental health potentials ) But suicide isn't the answer, no, you have people that care about you... well yeah I don't want them to be upset... so I guess I'll just keep going? Where though? No clue... but hopefully I don't lose my apartment and my job in the mean time... :/ Not sure where I'm going with this post and in life in general... I have another appointment with my 'therapist' on the 5th and a psychiatrist on the 8th... but my 'therapist' is "conservative against diagnosis" and doesn't want to listen to my symptoms because I looked them up? And wants me to focus on organizing myself more? LMAO if only I could 🤣 They have no clue... but what is one lost in the system they wanted to avoid (but are now apparently using because it benefits them?) Going to do? Who knows, find out on the next episode of, where's this fucked up life turning next?

so i need y’all’s help. i’m pretty sure i have ocd, but i feel like there might be something else wrong with me. idk. i’ve always been really stubborn and needing things to go my way/be in control (ik that that’s kinda toxic/bad, im sorry). i also get irritated super easily, especially when there are too many sounds (although for some reason it’s fine in public, but like at home if there are too many people talking/watching tv. and i also get really mad if i don’t feel listens to. and i’m not very good at talking to other kids my age, ive gotten better at it though. i just find it hard to carry a conversation and sound interested and natural if you know what i mean. i guess i’ve learnt how to say stuff that makes a conversation flow better ig? i always feel happy when i have a “successful” conversation. i’m much better communicating online. i also think that i kinda think that i can do anything better than anyone (ik that sounds terrible, and ik it’s not true. ig i her angry when someone can do something i like better then me, and i think i can do better.) i can be kinda mean sometimes, i think that people wouldn’t care about what i think because i feel like i don’t really matter to other people. i feel unwanted a lot. and i struggle making eye contact ig. i’ve read that ocd often comes with other things, and i was just reading about autism (so i’ve kinda been going over a list of stuff that i do that could be a symptom of autism while i write this just because it brought up a lot of things that seem kinda unexplained about me if yk what i mean?) but i’m not sure saying that i think it’s autism, i was just inspired by the article i was reading. do y’all think i could have anything else? (add,adhd,anxiety,depression,autism,social anxiety, etc)? or just an akward introverted control freak with attachment issues lol? can anyone relate to me? is this totally normal? is it an ocd thing? thanks!

Sometimes with this OCD it ends up being too much that I just cry. I try to fend it off for long enough until my body tells me that maybe I should just cry. So I did. After a few minutes of doing so, I feel slightly better. I just want to be happy again, even if I feel like I don't deserve that. I just want to enjoy my life without my thoughts getting the better of me, even if I feel like I don't deserve that either. I just want to be able to let go of my mistakes and try and get as far away from them as possible. I can't tell if I'm overreacting and overthinking my real events (a tiny spectacle says I am but I often can't see that because of OCD) or if I really am the worst person ever. Regardless I just want to be back to my real self. I don't know what to do, guys. I don't know if that cry helped me or added onto my pain

What did you do today/will do tomorrow to stand up to OCD?

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with ocd, but I just really need to vent for a second. I’m still young, meaning I still have to go to my father’s house every other weekend. My parents are divorced and have been for the past 5 years. My dad remarried 3 years ago to my stepmom. That’s when my dad started taking my mom to court. Long story short, I decided to stay home and take a break from going to my dad’s house for a couple of months. I never really liked my step mom, she’s always made me extremely uncomfortable. She gets mad easily and is very controlling. My dad is the same way. I got tired of being nervous about going to my dads, so I made the decision to stay home. During thanksgiving, I decided I would go to his house. No matter how bad things are, of course I miss my dad. Everything was fine that weekend, and my stepmom completely avoided me. My dad brought up something that weekend that I hadn’t even thought about in 3 years. Thee years ago, I had a private story on Snapchat where I would post different things. On it I posted about my stepmom. I understand that me calling her “a bitch” was rude and that I shouldn’t have done it. I had apologized in the past, and no one had even thought about that in years. He kept urging me to apologize to her. I’m the type of person who gets very anxious, so I really didn’t have to confidence to be able to do that. The Monday after thanksgiving, I get a call from my dad. He says “are you in private where no one can hear me? I need to talk to you. Go into your room by yourself. Now.” Then in the background I heard my stepmom yelling. My phone glitched out and I refused to answer any of his calls. I was having a panic attack and I didn’t understand what I had done to get that reaction. The weekend comes along and I go to my dads reluctantly. He tells me that the phone call was because “I hadn’t said hello to her and I didn’t apologize for what I had done.” (Keep in mind the *thing* I did was from when I was 12 years old, and I had already apologized in the past) He sits me down at the table and she sat across from me. He sat at the end. Here’s an overview of what happened: “You left me and you hurt me. You not coming here was terrible, and you are inconsiderate. I never did anything wrong to you and neither did your stepmom. Your mother is telling you lies and manipulating you. She wants you to think we are the bad guys when we are not. You’re the rude one for calling your stepmom a bitch. She would never say those things about you. She is just protective of her family. We did nothing wrong, you’re just blaming us. You’re a terrible person.” I didn’t know how to react. I just sat there crying. I sit and cry every time this happens. :( Then my dads side of the family had Christmas on December 19th. Everything was fine, until we had to decide what was going home with me and what was going to my dads. I got a diffuser for my hair for Christmas ( I have curly hair) that I really need for during the week. I wanted to bring that to my house and take it back and forth. It was very expensive, and my grandmother wanted me to use it at both. Basically my stepmom blew up, said I was a terrible person, and they left. Now I’m going back right now and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t know what to do. I need support. I think im going to talk to him and say I can’t do it anymore. He told me that “he thought I only wanted to be there for Christmas” which isn’t true at all. I’m trying to have a relationship with him, it’s just extremely hard. :((((

Ive noticed my ocd likes to corrupt real memories and make it seem like i did something bad when in reality I didn’t. Does this happen with some of you where you think of a past even and then an intrusive pops out corrupting your memory.

Has anyone ever tried using psychedelics as a form of treatment for their ocd ? I’ve read a lot about it online and wanted to know if anyone has tried and would like to share their experience ?

I finally blew up today. I screamed at my husband and my cats and started sobbing. I can’t handle anything anymore and I’ve been drinking non stop. I keep having sex dreams about a boy I dated in my past and I feel so sexually distant from my husband. I feel like everyone thinks I’m gay. I feel like I know I’m gay. God fucking dammit. I want to feel okay. I’m a drunk and an unpleasant person and my therapist has been no help at all.

Anyone here suffer from Racism OCD?

A serious T/W I'm having a hard day and I don't think I will ever go through with this. Heading into the new year, I'm not happy. I've made a decision to ****** ****** at the end of the month of January. I'm a bit scared to explicitly say it, that's why I censored it. Pure Ocd/Real event have been taking a serious toll on me this year. I seriously don't know what to do. It's sad because there was many things I want to accomplish in life, such as graduating University, having the dream career I've always wanted as a child, and falling in love and started a family. I can't continue and I am ashamed of myself. Its difficult to wake up every day and there was a period where I developed insomnia and I couldn't eat well. The best option for me is to not be here anymore.

TW: masturbating, horniness Is it common for people to be turned on by something that would generally give them arousal, but then something else in addition happens within the sexual event, and it makes them even more aroused? Like for example, a woman twerking in a bikini would be pretty arousing, but what if in the midst of that, she just farts or something in the middle of it and keeps going? Normally someone farting is pretty gross to me and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but sometimes when I watch sexual videos that turn me on, suddenly something a little more on the taboo side could happen and in the mix of my horny state, I actually find it arousing? Is this normal in the brain when people are horny or am I just someone with a weird taboo thing that I don't know of?

So I'm gonna put a TW here because I know therapy is a process, a long one and there may be someone who's not ready to hear this. Truth is, neither am. I have ocd, like most of you, I have been diagnosed, I've been seeing a therapist and I'm on meds. My most horrible, most repetitive theme is soocd(hocd) and a few days before Christmas I relapsed for the third time in the span of two years. What a great Christmas gift you may say! The thing is I'm tired, I've already been through this and I know how draining this is. I'm depressed, I have suicidal thoughts, I can't eat or get up from the bed. So what now? Therapy has done a lot for me, but I'm still human and I'm still ill, and most importantly I'm a teenager, you can't expect me to things this perfectly right. So while I was stuck in my repetitive compulsive cicle, something crossed my mind:shame. The concept of shame has been a great source of anxiety for me because I think "what if I am gay and I'm not accepting myself because I'm ashemed". So I've tried, just like my therapist told me, to tell myself after every intrusive thoughts that I don't care, that if I find a woman attractive who cares. But then I think "omg am I accepting this" and I get overwhelmed by anxiety. If I was gay, wouldn't I feel good about accepting myself? Then why do I feel like this? The fact is that shame is part of our condition because a person who suffers from pocd feels shame in their thoughts because being a pedophile is shameful. You may feel shameful while having hocd thoughts because those thoughts are a source of shame to you, not because you're gay, but because they don't fit the idea that you have of yourself. Yes I'm sure gay people feel a lot of shame however I don't have enough knowledge to tell how that feels like. My therapist has always told me to relay on experience. My experience tells me I've never been attracted by a woman. Sure I think they're beautiful, just like the sky, flowers and many other things. But I never had other feelings. And if I was I should've had at least a crush on a female. I had thousands female friends but I never had feelings for them. So why does my mind does this? Why do I feel so much pressure? The thing with me tho is that the idea of a same sex relationship has always caused me anxiety or made me uncomfortable. Is it because I secretly am gay and I just have a lot of shame? I don't think so but my mind swears is true. But I've fought enough battles to know when it's time to rest. So I wanna try to be more accepting and overcome shame of any kind. I will fail many times, that's for sure, this condition and this theme have made my life hell for so long, how can I accept them so easily. But as I said before I'm tired, I this point I just want the confusion, the doubting and the horrible dread to stop. And while I wish I could just go back, enjoy my thoughts about me and a future boyfriend, right now I'm fighting this battle and if the way of recovery is this, then so be it.

Anyone else try to poke holes in conversations with your bf/gf? Poke holes Of what they say? Like trying to figure out why they said something the way they said it or what it means if he said that then that contradicts this that he said in the same convo etc etc and trying to “figure it all out” and they just keep getting frustrated when it’s not always that complicated to them ? The cycle never ends. Like I have such a detailed way of listening and understanding things that my bf says and apparently it’s “picking it apart”. But to me it’s like well if it contradicts it then I’m going to call it out and keep asking questions and I get it’s a compulsion but at the same time why do ppl not think this way?!!! It seems intelligent to realize things like this but it’s “ocd” ? I just am so tired of this

I’ve been dealing with OCD since I was 17 I believe. I still remember when it started. It was also weird too because when I opened up about it I mentioned that if I was to do something bad then why do people trust me to watch there kids? I literally looked at my friend and said you trust me with your kids I mean why would you trust me with your kids? It was something like that. But I wasn’t exactly have thoughts about children when it started my brother would pop in my head and then it bothered me that my little brother was across the room from me (I had two brothers one living with my no and I, one that lived in a special home) so then my ocd got bad and I started over cleaning things to the point I was starting to ruin things. So now I’m 22 almost 23 still dealing with thoughts and feelings of POCD and many other things like incest for example. But as time when on the more this problem began to seem real the worse my thoughts got over time. I don’t know why they got worse but they did and it became more real and I was trying to open up about it. I have a lot but the looks I get when I try talking to people about things or the replies I get aren’t always nice. It’s kind of a bummer. I have a son now. Ever since I’ve had him it seems like my thoughts and feelings are always directed towards him at least a lot of the times maybe not always because I know I have thoughts that don’t include him. I struggle with my bond with him. I see other moms so excited posted about how there kids are the love of their love and they are so proud and seem like there in joyful tears or something over their kids walking and crawling and all those small steps but me... I don’t always feel it. I get very small moments sometimes of joy and happiness and all those great things I thought were supposed to be there but aren’t. I’m doing the best I can to make things better but it’s not easy. I’ve got to the point where I barely get anything do. There so much I wanted but couldn’t accomplish. It was either too overwhelming or I just simply didn’t want to do it. I’m lazy. I almost never seem happy. I felt like I stopped caring about people. I just felt like I didn’t care. Before I had him I went through this dark phase where I was so stuck and my mind was going Grey/pitch black. I knew people were there and loved me but I felt like there wasn’t a single person I wanted to go to so I just sat there in pitch black almost in my head where everything is pretty much gone and the only thing there is you.. I want to say it was crippling. I don’t think I have panic attacks I did have a thought that maybe I did have them and didn’t know but the first experience I ever had that I feel like was an attack is when I dated someone mixed. He was nice and sweet but something wasn’t right and I was trying to tell him that so we split and I freaked out because I don’t do well with ends it seems like. Ends of romantic relationships I guess. So I was literally freaking out thinking I was racist and that I was gonna go to hell and I think possible I may have thought god hated me and this dread went on for like a week. I thought about going to a hospital twice within like 3 days but I couldn’t fall back I had to keep going because of work.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition in which a person experiences vivid, intense, daydreams. You might make up characters or pretend in your mind that you’re living another life and make up characters where you develop an emotional connection to. Often taking up hours of their day, these daydreams are usually to escape reality. Does anyone relate to this? Let me know and I’m here to talk!