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the NOCD Community

everyone says that in order to determine if it’s hocd you need to examine how it started. i feel like the way mine started is CLEARLY not ocd and rather just a sexuality crisis. I was 13 and had thought about it 2 times before, once in the 5th grade and once in the 6th grade. i can’t be straight if this has consumed my thoughts since then.

When will this end?! I am so sick of living like this. I can't even go to the bathroom without having panic attacks thanks to my contamination OCD. I purposely not drink enough water throughout the day to avoid trips to the restroom. I used to love drinking water throughout the day keeping hydrated...it was all about keeping healthy. Now I can barely function like a normal human being this past year and a half! This is a nightmare and I just want to wake up from it already. After four therapists I still feel no relief. I am set to see one on here through NOCD, but not for another month and a half. I feel like I am not going to make ot until then. :(

I keep coming up with reasons why I don’t love my partner and testing myself to see if it’s really me! I am so sick I wanna throw up! I don’t wanna break up with him! 😭😭 I can’t take it anymore! I remember a long time ago when I first had ROCD I told him I didn’t love him but I feel like if I say that now it will be the truth!! 😭😭

Anyone with Relationship + Harm OCD?

I want to learn more about Christ... But... How? I feel like an intense study of the scriptures would help, but I rarely feel the happy warm feeling I want to feel when I read about Him... I feel like I read and just feel kind of neutral when I feel like I should be like mind blown and crying with emotion... Haha. I know that isn't realistic. But how do I form a deep relationship with Christ, without... Feeling like I have to study him in the perfect way for it to count? Or without feeling that I am bad for not having some huge spiritual experience every time, something I know isn't how he works? Anyone relate or know how to chill out about this / be more successful?

For anyone that’s done ERP, what’s usually the goal and purpose of it? I start next week and I know I’ll get more answers then but just curious of anyone’s experience, and I know everyone’s situation is different but I don’t really fully understand the goal of ERP

My OCD is horrible today. I've not given up and just got into bed from the fear in a long time but that's what I've done tonight. I know in the past I've tried to convince myself of things that I now know aren't true such as if I did something wrong I tried to convince myself I hadn't done anything. Now I bet I have some of those patterns of thinking in other areas and I'm so frightened that in another way I'm lying to myself. Does this make sense? Please someone help me

I swear my life is cursed i feel like im attracted to men more than women. Sometimes i get little flashes of my attraction back. Can someone tell me some of the things they say in there head if they do ?

Lately I’ve been having this thought about if I have to experiment with people sexually. I don’t really want to and sex isn’t really my thing anyway, but I keep having this thought “you should experiment with girls” “that’s the only way you’ll know for sure” can I know for sure without experimenting? Can I trust myself? I was trusting myself, but now I don’t. I feel obligated to do this thing that I’m honestly afraid of and don’t want to do.

how open are you about having ocd? for example do you share your subtypes/themes with people or someone your close with? I am starting to be more open about it with one of my former teachers that I still have a friendship with outside of school and I don’t know how specific or vague I should be. I want him to understand what ocd is and what I live with but also ocd themes can be taboo and uncomfortable to talk about. I have the same question for what I should tell my family.

people with religious ocd: is anyone else terrified of doing ert because you’re afraid it’s gonna “harden your heart” towards sin? because that’s the main reason i haven’t done it :/

Have not came on here in a while and this is the only platform I can write what's on my mind . I'm really tired, frustrated, angry sad and depressed about my fucking life. I dont know why I'm alive. Like I just bursting out in tears. My whole stupid family is shit too. They dont give a fuck about me. My dad dont pay attention and ruined the whole family, my mom quarrels too much and she beeve tries to listen, understand and sit down to talk she just shouts and gets mad and stressed herself out and my sister does not care or pay attention about me, she says she loves me but she always lying about that . Me on the other hand , i am suffering so.mich with mental illness, anxiety, depression, OCD and who knows what else. I feel so alone, in a dark place. A place I am trying to get out of, it's tough. I cry everyday and I'm not happy and I feel like I have NO ONE. Fuck friends too, they dont care about me. I have tried to be a good person to everyone and that's the life I get. I have given my all, showed love despite my.moody attitude tried to make people smile when I was down.. I dont know what to do. Just give yo at this point. No point in living , no point in life. MY LIFE IS GARBAGE, A PIECE OF TRASH , THE FUCKING WORST.

If you have worries about your reality or what happens after death, please dont read this. I was on social media scrolling through when I saw a prediction about a zombie apocalypse and the world ending in 2021. I'm full on panicking right now. Happy new years I guess :(

Existential Anxiety Anyone else question their life’s purpose or wonder if there is an afterlife. I have been obsessing over the idea that we are mortal and it’s stressing me out. I want to live in the moment and enjoy my life, but I can’t stop obsessing over these thoughts. Can anyone relate? What helps?

I wish I could let go of this. I would give anything to be okay. I just want my husband. I feel like I’m a lesbian in denial. No other girl here sounds as much as a girl in denial as me

i just think i’m bi but literally just can’t accept it. every time i try and tell myself i’m bisexual i cry but it feels so real right now.

Hello! I am a new member. I am from Brasil! First of all, I wish all of you a happy new year and i hope to help wth my ocd treatment experience.

In March, I started suffering from sexual orientation OCD (a new theme for me). Basically, I became obsessed with a thought that I might be straight after randomly getting aroused by a woman in a movie. Prior to that, I had mainly suffered from health-related obsessions. My anxiety hasn't subsided. I keep questioning and checking. I've read books about OCD, listened to countless podcasts - nothing helps. I've never been so depressed and apathetic on New Year's Eve. I ended up relapsing because a thought popped into my brain that you cannot resist your urges. I ended up watching porn today "to check". I understand that the sense of urgency, inevitably, and uncertainty is typical for OCD but my brain won't negotiate (especially when I get an erection because of intrusive thoughts).

TW TW TW: SOOCD/HOCD/TOCD Hi. I'm really scared to write this rn but idk what to do. When I first had intrusive thoughts about "I'm gay" it made me so anxious, but then I tried to reason with them because I was like I mean ok it could make sense that I'm bi maybe? And I would check and check and it seemed like I liked girls and I actually really thought I did and that I was enjoying it and bam there was nothing for boys anymore. This really stressed me out. I avoided watching any movies/shows that triggered me specifically I remember I couldn't watch Hustlers for more than 5 min nor could I watch Magic Mike. I was constantly stalking people on IG that had come out after being straight all their life trying to find clues or comparisons. I ended up having to delete all social media because it became a huge trigger for me. This all was over the summertime. Then my boyfriend came home (he lives in cali and I am on the east coast) and everything was great and the thoughts weren't *as* present but I still feared this meant something about us and from time to time intrusive thoughts would pop up when I was with him. Fast forward a couple months; I was with my friends and there was a tweet that said "if you're bi why is your phone case clear" and a couple of my friends that were in the car are bi and they were laughing and were like "wait you have a clear phone case too right?" I didn't realize how bad this triggered me until I was up all night distressed about why she thought I was bi when I've never told her that, then the next day I felt like I HAD to tell my boyfriend. It was this urge I just needed to get it out I couldn't hold it in any longer. I felt so guilty and just so confused I didn't know what was happening to me anymore. I called him and I told him I thought I was bi, he said he loved me and always will and obviously won't leave, but he was really confused! And when he said that, I was like me too I'm just as confused as you. I was expecting some sort of huge relief but I got none and still was just questioning everything. Then I was hit with TOCD around thanksgiving and the experience with that was a lot different than mine with HOCD. It seemed to be a lot more intense; the intrusive thoughts about that were there 24/7. And during this time all I could think was "why can't the thoughts about being lesbian come back" !! My brain tried to twist and turn everything "you thought you were lesbian at first because you were trying to cover up the fact that you are a straight man" and at the time... it felt so real that it almost made sense. I guess in my anxious state I try and reason with anything to just try and make it make sense. Before the TOCD, I hadn't googled or researched anything because I was too scared the results were going to come up saying I was my biggest fear. So I steered clear and tried to just "figure it out" (lol obviously a huge mistake, wish I would've known about this sooner). & once I googled intrusive thoughts; I saw everything I had been experiencing and finally felt some relief (but not really). Anyways, I'm now struggling again because I'm worried because I thought I liked it at first means it was true. Everyone's experiences are filled with disgust or an immediate sense that somethings terribly wrong and mine wasn't like that. I feel like it's all muddled because In the past I had been like, "yeah, I think I would hook up with a girl one day!" so those thoughts actually felt like they could be real. Idk. I realize I probably just sound like I'm in denial 😞I feel like I'm desperately trying to connect my HOCD w TOCD when they could be separate. One could be OCD and one could be real. Sometimes I feel like this person my brain has created would enjoy things, but if I were to step back into reality as my old real self, I would never do these things I have my appointment w a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to get this out because I have been stressing out. Could this also be a compulsion? Lol I feel like I can't do anything right. If you're still reading, thank you & happy New Year's Eve <3

Does anyone know if you just develop OCD out of nowhere? I have been dealing with stress and grief and I’ve always had a tendency to have some anxiety but always manageable. In the past few months anxiety has been really high. I was put on Xanax and then Ativan for a total of 4-5 weeks during that time my anxiety seemed to worsen and insomnia worsen, then I tried zoloft for a week and with that and the meds I suddenly got intrusive harm thoughts ever since then (been 3 or 4 weeks) and I’m also off meds now the thoughts got slightly better but I feel a lot of shame and guilt from them and the theme of them were so disturbing. I thought this means that it might happen and that’s what’s been really bothering me for several weeks now. I didn’t know this kind of thing existed until coming across an OCD intrusive thoughts podcast. I research a ton for hours trying to find out why it started for me and what it means and I’d it will be there forever or if it was just from the medicines and anxiety? I don’t seem to be having a ton of new thoughts they just keep recycling back to the theme of the original ones that went on for several days to a week or so... and in between I’m getting some random visualizations of the thoughts as well as others that tend to be on the same theme or morbid type. I’m working on trying not to put emotion to these and recognize they are just thoughts but it is hard to do. Also is it normal to have the visualization with the thoughts? Just need some insight. Thank you.