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I hate living like this! 😭

please think about what you are saying. there is so much homophobia on this app, and it’s meant to be a safe space.

really need some advice. since all of this started i became more distant from my friends, and kind of just tried to disappear. i can see how that could be perceived as rude, or inconsiderate, so i decided to reach out and tell my friend that i was struggling with my mental health. she wanted to know more, which is understandable and i explained to her that i want comfortable sharing more. i eventually told her that i was struggling with anxiety, but that’s all i told her. she was upset and told me that she didn’t think she could be friends with me if the friendship was so one sided. i felt bad and tried to be more available, but i was still at my worst of my ocd and honestly i couldn’t keep up with everything, and i kind of did the same thing and “disappeared” again. eventually she confronted me again, this time saying that i was making excuses, and i obviously need professional help. maybe she was just concerned but the way she said everything im pretty sure that she was more angry then concerned. she again asked me to tell her what’s wrong and again i told her i wasn’t comfortable sharing that with her, mostly because i didn’t want to hurt her . she had recently come out as bi and i wanted to be supportive and i didn’t want her to be hurt because of what i’m going through. i also didn’t want to tell her that i think i have ocd because i’m not diagnosed, and i want to be professionally diagnosed before telling people. i’ve gotten better and less anxious and have made more plans and been more available, but i had a feeling that she was angry so i messaged her today, asking if she was. she said no but then brought up how we didn’t talk for three months, obviously still upset about it. i told her again that i was going through stuff, but recently i’ve made an effort to more available, which she then said that i hadn’t, and if she didn’t reach out i would have nevertheless talked to her, which just isn’t true- i’ve reached out mor then she has in the last month or so. she then said to me “you just refuse to talk to anyone about anything and then pout when your problems are still there”. i got upset when she said that, because while we are friends i felt like she wasn’t being fair or kind at all. idk. i keep apologizing to her because what i did isnt great,and i get that. i just wish i could find a way to make her not be so angry at me without telling her every detail of my ocd. idk. i might just be crazy. idk what to do. TLDR: friend wants to know more info about my ocd but i am not comfortable sharing with her yet. she is being kind of hostile and is obviously upset and i don’t know what to do.

Help me... So i am hanging out with my brothet and sister in law and she was playing a tiktok with the F word. I am a Christian so I don't really say that because I prefer not to. BUT when i heard that playing, it was like i wanted to sing along to prove I wasn't innocent or a goody two shoes 😭 my theme focuses around me being afraid I will rebel and stop everything good and become a totally bad person to show people i am not a goody two shoes 😩 idk what to do...

I don't know if it's possible to really journal on the NOCD app, but I'm going to give it a try anyway. So at one point in most people's lives, I'm sure they've came across something they really didn't want to see while using the internet, or any social media site for that matter. I have friends that did, I've seen many people talk about it, and I myself have gone through it a few months ago. I'm trying to meditate on how I can stop thinking about what I had seen given the context when I was on YouTube that night and put it past me, but it's hard. I just hate that I still ruminate about this over and over and I try my best not to. I didn't even search for anything related to the dumb playlist I saw. I wanted to masturbate, and I'm beginning to think this may be a compulsion for me but I'm honestly not sure. I don't like to use porn sites, since I can't see myself being turned on by hardcore porn knowing of the things porn addiction can do to people and what can be served on the underground of porn sites. I feel more safe with using YouTube or anything that can limit hardcore porn. Months ago I searched for the usual things I would that can arouse me, that being girls my age, and definitely older women. Because of this event however, I feel like I've lost the attraction to look at girls that are "labeled" as teens because it makes me feel awkward that they may be underaged even if I assume that they aren't and my not be. I searched for 18 year old girls to watch so I could enjoy looking at hot girls that were my age at the time. I liked what I saw with the girl that was 18 in the video I searched for, and things were okay. But then, people started to debate the girls age in comments when the video itself said that she was 18. When I clicked out of the video, I tried to find another. But, while doing so, youtube threw this gross playlist that gave a negative sexual connotation about kids in the playlist the videos itself weren't sexual at all, and I didn't watch any of them and never would, but the creator and person that hosts the playlist made it seem that way. Nothing about that playlist I liked. This happened before and curiosity kicked in to see if it was actually real and not what I clicked on one video hoping to report it but got afraid that I couldn't find it. Then I wanted to report the entire playlist because it's not something that youtube should have given me and something that should not be on YouTube, even without the context in my opinion. OCD sometimes creates false memories thinking I actually did watch videos in the playlist when I didn't, at all. It was so horrible I put my phone down before clicking everything out. I guess it still bothers me because it was an awful coincidence that met with me masturbating before I even ran into it. I focused on watching older women and then at the end Women my age but the thoughts are like "you're just using this to cover up for what you really wanted to see" or "but what if you actually did want to see that" or "what if you liked it" which if that was the case I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel this much anxiety and worry about it because I've seen other bizzare sexual videos that didn't bother me whatsoever, but I don't stumble into anymore. Lately I've been feeling a much stronger attraction towards older women, muscular women, and plump women. Honestly multiple types of women I don't really have any limits for the most part. Up to 50 year old women I believe. It's not that I'm not attracted to women my age but when it comes to online for videos or images, I'd love to see older women so much more. Never ever ever any women below my age though. I just don't want to ruminate about this accident anymore. Dwelling on it drives me crazy but lately I've been telling myself "I'm not going to solve it" and it's working a little bit

I think I might be becoming a bad and miserable person because of my past. Recently a lot of people are being exposed for manipulating a child or person, and I started to think back if I ever did such thing. I think I did as a kid, but Idk. When I was a kid, sexting or virtual sex was a thing ( there was no nudes or anything very explicit, it wasn’t that far. Kid would just pretend to do the sex thing). It was very common ( it might have not been for you, but I would see this in video games) for some reason, and I was kind of into it but weirded out by it. I’m glad kids nowadays don’t do that anymore, but when I was a kid I gave it somewhat a try. It’s weird to explain, but this is what happened. I was about 12-14 years old, I don’t remember what age, but all I remembered is that it was the start of me going through puberty. I played this game called “second life.” It was a virtual social game, where you meet up and hangout with people virtually. It’s like vr chat, but not vr. Anyways, a girl invited me to her virtual house. I quickly accepted it invitation because...you know... I was a kid and my mind was like “oh my god, I finally have a online gf” I entered her virtual house, and we were playing truth or dare, then got bored. (I’m sorry this is we’re it gets weird) she asked “now what?” And then I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom. She said sure. My heart was beefing fast and I was aroused because I felt like I had a gf ( when I say gf, I don’t really mean gf, it was a think kids would say when they hung out with a girl) and I never did this before I think, I hope it was the first and only. (This is very weird ik) This is we’re things got sexual. Once we got there, you know....think you know we’re it was headed. I asked if she has a emote dance that can re-enacts the doggie style. She said yeah, and we did the disgusting thing. I don’t think we said much of anything sexual because weird kids and we’re scared to type anything sexual. I might be wrong I don’t remember much of the conversations. All I remember was that we just had our avatars do the actions and just watched. 30s of that weird disgusting thing, and my arousal then climaxed. I freaked out when I climaxed. I started to realized this was a weird and disgusting thing. I was mostly scared of the climax because I felt like it was unnatural. I was scared of what just happened, and so I quickly told the girl to stop. She stopped, and I idk if she asked why or anything. I was too weirded out and just said “I have to go. Bye” she said ok. And I left. I deleted everything. I deleted the game and swore to never touch that game ever again because I thought it was evil. I think I also delete other social games that had similarities to that game. I never wanted to ever interact with a person online because that experience felt very disgusting and regrettable. Years later, I a 16 year old, find out about YouTuber manipulating underage fans. And I see my little cousins talk about their online bfs and gfs. I remember the disgusting situation that I took part when I was a kid. The I started to get scared. What if that “gf” was way younger than me? What if I manipulated her and I caused irreversible physiological damage? The whole interaction from when I was invited to the end of the interaction lasted only like 5-10 mins, I might be wrong though. I feel very horrible and miserable. I have no idea who the other person is that was the first and last time I ever interacted with them. I think I might have asked for their age, and it was my age, but I don’t remember. Maybe they were my age, and so that’s why we continued to be “bf and gf” during the interaction (not really big and gf, it a thing kids used to say) I feel bad for the other person. It felt like we both liked each other, but the possibility of the unknown age gap scares me. I feel like I did no damage to the person because it ended very quickly, but the possibility that I did still whispers to me. I’ve been starting to hate myself recently because of this. Maybe I deserve it, I have no idea. I don’t know how to look at that situation. I could make the argument that we were just two dumb kids who did something stupid or It could be seen as me manipulating and hurt someone. I don’t know what to think of it or how to feel. I now am starting to believe my existence should not be allowed to continue. I feel like I am not allowed to be happy at all. My family invites me to do fun stuff and hangout with them, but I reject their offers because I feel like I should just rot in my bed. I never felt very miserable and it hurts, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I might not deserve anything good I get in my life for what I might have done to the person. This might be the first time I ever spoke about this. I need some guidance in my life. What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you ever been in a similar situation? How should I feel about the situation? Am the evil person who hurt someone or were we both just dumb kids? Anything will help me. I’m going to tell this to my therapist m, but I feel like she might not help me. I feel likes it a “you screwed up your life” type of situation. Anyways I hope you have a great day wether you hate me or not. Thank you if you have read this far?

When I was little I bullied someone and I can’t seem to find the person I bullied so I asked my old baby sitter to see if she knows her mother or her name still haven’t recieved a response. But I’m just feeling bad because what if she committed suicide because I bullied her I know they’re just what ifs but thinking about it just scares me so much I’ve had about two panic attacks over this.

Anyone overcome suicide-OCD (or harm ocd with suicidal obsessions)? If so, how? Mine started after losing a friend to it in April 2020. Thoughts of “what if I do that?” stuck like glue and it’s been hard to overcome ever since.

my biggest fear is what if i don't actually have ocd and get exposed as a fraud. im afraid i might have been living a lie the whole time. i keep thinking that im not as ill as others here. i feel like i don't deserve attention, it's like im unconsciously invalidating myself all the time and j can't help but think that im an impostor in disguise. that im just doing this for attention. that i just want to be mentally ill to feel like i fit in somewhere. when i show a new ocd symptom im afraid that oh im probably just copying something that i saw off this app here because i want to feel like i truly do have ocd. i know i most likely have it but im so stuck in this loop of doubt. my ocd isn't as severe as it was in the beginning so that makes me feel even more invalid and i have developed impostor syndrome over the years.

After months upon months of suffering, confusion and deep distress, I can finally say that I am coming to the end of my battle. I avoided ERP for a long while in the fears that it would prove my my obsessions to be true and that I would come out worse off than I was prior. Accepting that I was only going to end the suffering by facing the fear was the first step to recovery. I did in fact feel worse before I felt better. I had to face things that I had spent so much time avoiding. Once you open your eyes to your fears and force yourself to confront them in the most aggressive way you probably ever have up until that point, you finally can loosen your grip and set yourself free. I felt so comfortable with my compulsions that I had practically adapted to them. It was a reflex to my anxiety by the time I entered ERP. To resist that reflex felt like standing rigid with your eyes open when there’s an object flying towards your face - in other words, it felt impossible (at first at least!). There’s various hurdles that you get over. The first one being the biggest and most challenging one, but they gradually get smaller and smaller. You start off with something that isn’t going to cause you mass amounts of anxiety, but is still going to elicit an anxiety response - you then work your way up through developmental progression until you reach the metaphorical ‘boss level’ - you’ve built up a tool kit and the fear response swiftly gets smaller and smaller and smaller. I strongly encourage all of you to access an ERP therapist and start your ERP journey now. Surviving is not living. Living (you’ll soon find out) is not surviving.

Is getting sexually aroused by certain sounds an OCD thing? Like after I had intrusive thoughts abt a family member, whoever they breathe I have to leave the room bc I have a groinal response. And with another family member i always feel the need to pull their shirt down when their stomach is exposed.

Does anyone have any advice for what to do when OCD symptoms are not prevalent? I am coming out of a week of pretty intense ROCD/HOCD thoughts coupled with some severe depression just yesterday morning. I persisted through it all and now I finally feel at ease and clear minded. These reprieves usually come after a strong OCD cycle. I feel almost completely normal and when I think about how much time I spent anxious and ruminating it finally feels foreign. I truly cherish these periods and typically just enjoy them while attempting to not think about my OCD for as long as possible. Is there anything I should be doing during this time to prepare/educate myself in anticipation for the next inevitable cycle of OCD? Does anyone have any tips they can share of what they do to make the most of their limited time free of symptoms? I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this post and respond.

Please help So I recently started having sex with this guy and I am like really into it but I am not feeling super turned on physically and I am freaking out that this means I am not attracted to him and in denial. Is this normal?

I have been scared of one of my friend what if I like her, this thought has been there from October and I have avoided her so much that my fear has just peaked next level. When I open Instagram my mind goes like oh u are excited to see her stories aren't u but it the most difficult task to do but I try not to compulse. If she hasn't posted I am filled with relief but then my mind say of aren't you disappointed. I don't even know if these are intrusive thoughts anymore, when I want to post something my mind goes like she is gonna see it and then I don't want to post it. Just now I posted a reel on my story even though mind was screaming horrible things and I looked at it after sometime I realised the audio wasn't available so I was like that sucks people must have seen it without any audio and I was like let's delete this not of any use and then my mind was like (I don't clearly remember what my mind said cuz it was sour of the moment) but it was something about her and then the next story slide came and i saw this seen Icon and her picture popped up and like in that 3second moment my anxiety raised so much I could feel the pins the on my back and hot and cold flash and heart rare went blasting the roof and all this time my mind was aren't you embarrassedd i think the anxiety rose because I had the thought and then suddenly her picture popped up. We used to be bestfriends but cuz of my thoughts I started to avoid her and at this point I don't even want her in my life, for dear life of God I can avoid her forever but I know that will only make the thoughts worse like it has now, I have been trying to avoid doing compuslions, i try post on story in form of doing ERP as my thoughts go like and oh she's gonna see it u are putting this for her , so I have been putting on stories while the thoughts keep popping up. But like u know I have started to hate her because she kind of took my close friends away maybe not intentionally but she did and I became anti social because of my ocd and that just makes me not want to talk to her and plus talking to her gives me anxiety. I at this point don't even know if these are intrusive thoughts like who has these type of intrusive thoughts but I just so hope that they are intrusive thoughts cuz I don't want to like her in a romantic way ever. I may have started hating her because of my thoughts too because like u know as having damaged thinking might have led my brain to only know the opposite of like that is hate, but like she scares the shit out of me. I swore that no matter how many stupid thoughts my mind produces for any other friend of mine like this I will not avoid them like I did her because that will only lead me into a shit hole. But these thoughts they give me anxiety like the ones when I open instagram are these intrusive thoughts.And my mind uses this against me what if u aren't afraid of ur other friends and u are of her means somethingut it's not like I don't have intrusive thoughts about my other friends, I have but I keep in mind not to make the same mistake as I dod in her case because back when he thoughts started to pop up I didn't even know there was something known as HOCDAnd she scares the shit out of me

I’m straight but get turned on by lesbian porn and sexual orientation ocd is going off the chart. I used it as a form of compulsion to see if I’d get turned on by it and it has just led me to serious confusion and it’s just uncomfortable

Does medication help a lot ?

It’s been 5 minutes since I’ve been forcing myself to not look up pregnancy symptoms. It’s hard. I don’t understand why I can’t just trust my iud, condoms and myself for being careful.

Can someone please help me! It's been more than a month or so but for some reason I'm extremely triggered by the words "IN DENIAL" "DENYING" "DENY" etc. And since the time that I've been triggered by them...it seems like I'm coming across them more often than ever . I can't help but think that it says something about me . That it is some sort of message or signal from the universe or God that I'm in denial and I should just accept that I'm a lesbian. Does anyone feel like this too?

I'm always afraid and nervous to go to sleep because I'm scared of ocd nightmares. At least in waking hours I can choose what I'm exposed to and can avoid triggers if I please. I can't do that in my sleep. Anybody have ideas to feel less afraid?

CAN SOMEONE HELP ME I’m having a very very tough night. A movie I’m watching has a lot of sexual scenes. And this one I’m watching had a porno movie where a man was slowly removing a woman’s underwear and I got super turned on and for some reason in that moment I thought oh I want to see her vagina and now I’m freaking out that that’s why I was so aroused like I wouldn’t feel that way with a man. I’m so afraid.