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So much anxiety today smfh. I’m supposed to have an interview tomorrow and now I’m like htf am I supposed to do an interview when I feel like this and expect to get it smfh. I feel like taking a drive out to no where and to get away from my house and just leave the city to a far away city or something cuz I hate this feeling that I get when I’m in my room with no tv on and the door closed and being triggered smfh.

Hi everyone. I've struggled mostly with just order & symmetry OCD, but lately feel like I might be developing suicidal OCD. I find myself often worrying about becoming depressed and that it will cause me to commit suicide, even though when I think about it I really don't want to die. And I feel like worrying about getting depressed and committing suicide is making it more real, and making me depressed and have suicidal thoughts even more. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you cope / do ERP for it?

i think erp and the “maybe maybe not method” really only works for certain themes so if you have harm OCD, POCD, and others i understand why erp could be a little harder for you; it just baffles me that a therapist would tell you “well maybe you want to kill people maybe you don’t” it just doesn’t make sense to me and i think there should be a better therapy option for you all that struggle with things like this.

TW Yesterday I was driving and saw some attractive guy driving and turned my head to look at them. I have a boyfriend who I love very much and I feel like I need to confess this to him so bad. Even tho I know I didn’t mean anything by it I just wanted to look. I feel so guilty though. I haven’t confessed yet and I’m trying not to given because I’ve been confessing like crazy. It’s so hard.

Are we really just supposed to suffer? I have irrational delusional thoughts all day like 20-30 times a minutes until I finally go to sleep. I’m doing my very best to abstain from compulsions. But holy shit it’s so hard. It’s been 19 days.

TW: Saw something shockingly disturbing in casual YouTube video recommended to me; Fighting my porn addiction; Ruminating; POCD, Real Event, VERY DETAILED CONTENT NSFW I suppose I'll just be journaling. I dunno where else to share this and I don't want to boil it up. So.. tonight I've been doing a lot of googling when it comes to my situation with real event OCD. It's about porn videos I've watched in the past. I know I'm not supposed to google to get reassurance but I just needed to see other people struggling with my situation and getting advice from it. I worry that I saw illegal content, I think I used checking on one search that was taboo and I felt really bad to the point where I cried after. After all the googling, I've gotten people say it's uncommon to have a taboo interest because you get a kick out of the feeling of it being unusual or shocking to you I guess. I've discovered that most people get to the taboo point when it comes to excessive porn viewing. For me it was exhibitionism, shemales, MILFs ladyboys, flatulence, family themes, and basically porn twisting my naturally developed fetish. On occasion I've made bizzare taboo search terms and seen taboo videos like "step mother and son" "therapist feet joi" "lil sister feet" "mature mom worship" "oily butts" and "ladyboys" After these incidents I can remember, I just end up feeling really guilty over this for months and days after days. I always question if I'm a good or bad person or not. I feel like these search terms could be illegal, or my POCD is twisting some of them along with my regular OCD. As I've watched porn much less, these porn induced fetishes have decreased significantly. I still get thoughts and fantasies about most of them but I don't act on them and I don't look up videos relating to the topics. I really hate that I got bored of normal natural porn and thought stepping it up was a good idea. I regret that. I'm totally done with porn and I don't want to go back to the addiction I used to have. I feel like as a society, porn destroys us. Honestly it shouldn't even be legal. It focuses so much on targeting younger audience in terms of both actors and viewers such as me and others who have been exposed to it at such a young age. It exploits people in ways that can change the perspective on reality when it comes to men and women. Even if videos have fully provided consent, it still adds onto the demand. I'm trying to practice not feeling bad for the past and being in the present. I'm trying to accept the thoughts because accepting the what ifs is how you beat OCD step by step. It's not about agreeing with the thoughts but more about accepting their presence. But at the end of the day, I quit with porn and masturbating. Most of the advice I've seen on there in a nutshell is to accept the thoughts, quit the viewing habits entirely, and don't beat yourself up about things of this nature in the past. Aside from all of that though, I was watching a video focusing on a video game showcasing a funny montage. Everything was going well and perfectly fine until I saw something really fucking terrifying and disturbing for like a frame of a second. It looked to be a picture of cartoon CP as a "meme" This isn't the first time this has happened and for some reason people in comments think it's now funny to witness CP in that sense. I never understood it. It makes me not know what to believe because I feel like I'm the only person worrying about it. At least I HOPE it wasn't a picture taken from a cartoon CP video but I wouldn't be surprised. This just adds onto my point of how fucked up porn can be. I had my hand over my mouth for a really long time for what I just saw. I guess people without OCD would see these things and just move on. Maybe that's my issue. Judging by how negatively I reacted from that, I feel like it's justified against my POCD proving it isn't true and I'm not what I think. I would never want to hurt a child, and I wouldn't want to hurt anybody for any sort of gratification. I'd much prefer helping people. I don't get off on hurting people and I guess at the time I was able to seperate fantasy from reality. But, I still just feel so wrong about these things. But as I google for support, many other people have gone through these things and felt the guilt and they're trying to get rid of porn entirely just like I am. I don't know if I was doing a checking compulsion searching "lil sis feet" or trying to engage in a taboo off my main fetish but I just hate ruminating over it and I feel awful about it. I'm also not testing myself anymore. I used to do that with softcore porn on instagram admiring adult women, milfs, muscular women, etc. But, it only got me more stuck in the loops of compulsions and eventually I cut it all off. What the positives of these events are something I ask myself a lot: I'm glad I'm disgusting by porn now. I'm glad I'm disgusting by the things I fear and the things I may have seen. I'm glad I'm disgusted and fearful and full panick of the word p*** and I'm glad to see that I can't even dare type the word child and p*** in the same sentence. Seeing anything along these lines is enough to make me very sick.

My poem for school... "When the OCD Monster Had Had Enough" It's about the moment my OCD hit it's worst and I knew I needed serious help 3:00 am The monster had had enough It was strong it was hungry and it thought it was tough Burdening misery had barged through my door The bang, bang, bang at my door was too hard to ignore And woke me with the sound of, “Come, come look, at the things to explore.” It was burying itself inside of me preparing to roar “Look, look, look!” it said. “Only a few minutes!” Grabbing the phone beside my bed, covered with fright, too shocked with fear to hear the crickets of the night At this point my body was done, so I just searched up the word “heaven” Without depth and without context, I just searched up “heaven” My emotions felt weak like an uncontrollable train slowly crashing and falling into a creek My my! 40 minutes?! The bang, bang, bang at my door was too hard to ignore I remembered my mom said no more researching after 20 minutes! I sat like a rock on my bed, constantly looking at the clock Blinking my eyes constantly, too tired to walk I waited and waited with no time to sleep, so I could tell my mom sorry for the monster’s critique The OCD monster was furious now, I waited and waited to hear the sound OCD had taken over each space in between my bones OCD had ferociously attacked my heart, my soul, my body’s home I listened and texted my mom, “I must say sorry for the things I’ve done wrong!” It was maybe 6 o’clock now Creak, creak, creak With my eyes darkened and my body weak I realized my mom had woken from her sleep I stepped outside at 7 am now The August morning was busy with children going to school, the air feeling cool My mom holding the dog leash, staring at me with a complexed tone, “Why are you up so early? Are you okay?” But the monster told me to be quiet so all that I could say, “I am just so sorry for the things I’ve done wrong! I researched for more than 20 minutes! Oh you must be so upset!” “Hannah, that was yesterday. I said you could research for 20 minutes yesterday. Not today.”

I often find it triggering to look at old photos of myself because instantly I think of how I look gay, how I was just struggling with my sexuality even then and “knew I was”, etc. This is mainly due to the fact I have never been super girly (don’t do my nails or wear makeup) or cared how I looked until later when I got my first boyfriend. Would it be a good exposure practice? To look at these photos? I had urges to delete them because I hated how I looked.. but decided that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Hey everybody. I'm struggling with my somatic ocd. I realize that when I don't have intrusive thoughts, this obssession of controling my breath dominates me. It's so exhausting. I'm always afraid of something bad happens because of this obessssion, but I can't stop it. Anyone can help me?

so i had a really bad panic attack ocd spiral this past august it was like three that month that eventually led me down the path of ocd diagnosis and doing ERPs with a therapist through this app I started doing 7s on my hierarchy and then moved up to my 8s and 9s ... once i got to my 9 which was recording myself saying maybe im a p*** and was able to finally do that a few times i was feeling really confident it took me months to get there but i finally got to my 9 however my amount of sessions with my therapist on here ended in terms of face to face sessions and once i didnt have to report back to her on how many i did in a week i just let it all slide and didnt do any for almost a whole month now i started doing my 9s again but im finding my anxiety at night and the morning are getting really bad again like it had been in august which had got a lot better when i was being consistant with my ERPs...i also am turning 29 this weekend and have some existential themes as well i havent worked on and they are spiking right now its not even as much that my pocd theme is worse but just in general i guess once you stop practicing sitting with your anxiety after triggering yourself on purpose when triggers happen on their own it is so much harder to sit with them than before because youre out of practice but i guess what worried me is it doesnt make sense because my intrusive thoughts have been of pocd more frequently since i went a month not doing erps but mostly at night my fears of death and dying alone and something being wrong with me and im broken and will i ever have a relationship will i ever have love and hocd stuff are the loudest or most overwhelming not my pocd but i guess i have worked on that theme the most and also my friend is setting me up on a date and thats a lot of change im turning 29 and i avoid dating and romance like the plague and like my hocd and existential stuff with dating and my birthday coming up im just used to staying in my comfort zone and having the same routine and being alone and its overwhelming anyway i just wanted to vent but i actually agreed to a date and im turning 29 and so i guess for eocd and hocd thats gonna trigger a lot plus i slipped up on my pocd erps so yeah i hate change and i hate getting older and i hate dating so many things could go wrong im wondering if i should get on zoloft just because i really am having a hard time imagining me on these dates without something to help me not freak out

I’m losing my fuckin mind smfh. It is so gross to have sexual thoughts of my mother smfh. I never had thoughts for her until she started purposely doing it to me smfh. I don’t get why she just doesn’t stop like do you not want time to be able to talk to you like normal? Do you want me to become even more crazier I really don’t know how to go about this smfh. I would be fine if she didn’t do it in purpose I wouldn’t feel anything or think I’m going to have sexual thoughts for her in purpose like leave me tf alone I just want to talk to my mom like normal and not be forced to have thoughts for her all cuz of her insecurities of whether or not I have soocd or am I actually gay like I swear I get no support at my house at all smfh.

it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting this doesn’t mean i’m bisexual

My mind is making me think I have a crush on this boy and I don't. I dont know how to sit with this anxiety. I keep.looking at pictures of him and because I thought he looked kind of nice in a couple pictures my OCD says I like him and I want to message him. No one seems to understand. This is making me cry and I feel like it must be real but I can't tell. I just want to cry. Can anyone please help me. My mind is confusing me to the point where I am thinking it is real

Why won't the thoughts and the anxiety ever fucking stop?! It seems to be worse when I'm tired. It's just NON-STOP with, "I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay" even when I'm trying to keep myself busy. It never. Fucking. Stops. I feel like I'm gonna break down and have a panic attack at some point. What exacerbates it even more is this dread feeling I get about sex now. Whenever I look at women I'm reminded of it, or when I try to talk to women. Because my libido is basically zero right now, it's feeding the OCD even more. And the worst thing is that I can't tell if it's just a low libido, or if I actually don't find women arousing anymore. I really can't fucking tell sometimes. I WANT to be able to have fun with women again but my brain is fucking it all up.

Hi everyone I’m new here ! I have a child that i suspect has bad thought ocd. Does anyone have children with this?

Can SO-OCD make you feel that you're so trapped, to the point that you think you're just in denial at this point because you don't feel that much anxiety? That's what I feel right now, and I just wanna cry because everything makes me so skeptical about my sexuality. It feels like I have this special ear that makes me hear any key words related to homosexuality. Everyone I see, I automatically think they're somewhat a closeted gay. What's happening to me? I don't feel like myself...

So one thing I noticed is that the more I engage into compulsions (ruminating, checking, mental reviewing, seeking reassurance, googling stuff ...) the more real the thoughts, feelings and urges feel. Which then leads to more compulsions and keeps me trapped. I‘m just curious to know why is it like that? Does anyone know science behind this? And I noticed that things that used to reassure me stop working at some point which leads to me seeking for more reassurance.

So recently I started taking zoloft, around a week or two ago... and it's done WONDERS for me,, then around a day ago i forgot to take it at my normal time which is around noon and instead took it at 4pm... then the next morning i woke up with my thoughts racing, theyre worse in the morning but throughout the day they die down, this morning i woke up with a racing heartbeat and major anxiety... then i started having diarrhea and major nausea, is this all cause i took my medicine late?? could i possibly be getting my period?? like i'm so confused. I don't want to go into another anxious / depressive episode... i've finally felt good for the first time in like a month because of Zoloft...

i’m so scared i might of possibly went too far w erp

Been crying a lot.. Last night and a few minutes ago. Don't know what to do. Real event is hard. I want to live in the present and not be bothered by the past. The person I'm no longer associated with. The mistakes I would no longer make but constantly worry about. I just want to be free and obsess no longer. I don't want to fear that I'm a criminal or a bad person anymore..