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TW: EXPLICIT CONTENT TOWARDS END I can’t stop crying because it feels like I’m truly a lesbian. I read the stupid comp het doc which was obviously something I shouldn’t have done but I gave in. Relationships when I was younger were never a big thing for me because well I was still too young. So when I had crushes it was always more about the fuzzy feeling and just wanting to be close to my guy crushes or thinking about their touch. When I had my first silly 8th grade boyfriend I remember always being scared to hold his hand and kiss him and hug him because I felt self-conscious of myself and everyone watching but I still did enjoy it. Looking back I feel like I might’ve just liked my him because he liked me but I thought that was normal for middle school things, except the first thing happened my freshman year of high school as well with my toxic ex. It wasn’t love and I hate remembering about him because it really was just something dumb and obsessive but when I did like him I did enjoy being held but now I wonder if it was just the attention I liked. I’m now in a relationship with my boyfriend of over a year and I’m terrified that I’m not actually in love with him and only his attention but that just doesn’t feel right because we have such a strong bond. He was a natural flirt so that definitely caught my attention but it was more than that, he just seemed like such an amazing person to me and that has not changed since we started dating. I used to have major rocd over whether or not I actually loved him but I got past that theme but now it might be back. I love him so much, he’s been there through everything and I know I could be happy without him so it’s not like I’m dependent on him, but I choose to be happy with him because he brings me that warm feeling inside my heart. When I’m with him I feel safe and I want to have a genuine future with him. It also doesn’t help that my family is homophobic, my grandma condemns it and I tried explaining to her but she just told me that even if I was I didn’t have to “act on it” which made me break into tears. Not because I am lesbian, but because it would hurt so much to know she wouldn’t support me if I was. Another thing that worries me is that maybe I don’t like intimacy enough with him, but the truth is he’s the first person I’ve been so intimate with and well we’re both still virgins so we haven’t been able to fully explore. Truth be told I didn’t always like giving oral but I thought it was because porn set me into that mind-frame that intimacy was all about the woman being used. The first time we did things was very exciting and fun for me!But I was also very nervous and scared and well my anxiety doesn’t help but there have been times where I do enjoy giving oral, what I don’t like is when it’s all we can do and I also have a terrible habit of comparing myself to other girls and wanting to be perfect at it. I never thought it meant I was a lesbian. I love my partner and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else or be intimate with anyone else. I still don’t like the idea of being with a girl like that, I have never even fantasized about it before and well it just doesn’t feel like me but now my brain is telling me that it is me, that it’s always been me and all the things I used to perceive as normal actually mean I’m lesbian and I hate it. Someone please give me advice to fight this and how to recover from such a major compulsion , I haven’t ruminated like this in so so long and it feels like I failed myself or like I’m giving in to something I just don’t want.

Rumination is fucking horrible. A month ago I had a gummy that had THC in it. I’m HIGHLY sensitive to thc. But it had cbd in it so I thought I would be ok. Well I was also on medication that you can’t take cbd with. It’s a whole thing about liver enzymes whatever. You couldn’t even drink grapefruit juice on it. Anyway, I took one. Had the worst body high. Had a panic attack. Thought I was going into psychosis. It was Horrible. It really fucked me up and just added to my ocd fear. That was almost a month ago. I think about the feeling of it all the time. It makes me feel scared as I relive the whole memory. But I keep ruminating on it. Even when I try not to think about it. My ocd will do shit like remember this? Remember how shitty it made you feel? What if you’re high like that right now? (Of course it’s not true it’s just distressing to even think about it) what if you just lose your mind? What if you go crazy? It doesn’t help either that I’m having panic attacks too. I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to go back on an SSRI. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this on my own. I didn’t learn enough skills last time to control my ocd. I can’t let it take over my life but I’m also terrified of medication right now. Maybe I should start buspar or zoloft...idk but I’m not living and I’m tired of feeling horrible. It’s making me sad and scared. My ocd keeps coming up with different things to keep me trapped in the panic. I hate feeling like this :(

So I'd like to talk about something: Right now I'm on a livestream on Ali Greymond's YouTube channel. As usual her videos are very informative and helpful. However, there's one thing that she talks about in most videos that are like a selling point to me: Tracking OCD and ruminating. For me as an OCD sufferer, I go through real event, sexual, POCD, harm, and perfectionism OCD. I constantly ruminate about false memories, events about my OCD, mistakes in my childhood, and mistakes in my teen years. All the time. All my friends are here to give me reassurance just for me to stop talking to them about this constant seeking. They tell me I shouldn't worry. They tell me my fears aren't true. They tell me I'm not my OCD. Someone on here even told me that since all my friends have told me that I shouldn't worry about the things I told them even if they can be bad things, then I just need to focus on my own recovery work so I can see that for myself. When it comes to Ali Greymond and her conversations about tracking, it's basically journaling your emotions, how much you've ruminated, treating this like a game, and jotting down how long and often you have a trigger, thought, or compulsion. I might as well give it a try. Anyone else reading this can try this as well. It wouldn't hurt. Definitely search for her if you haven't. Take a moment to join her livestream that's going on right now.

does anybody else here with real event ocd feel like their event is so much worse than everyone else’s 😔

My husband says he wants a divorce because I ask too many questions. But I think he's manipulating me to make me feel that I'm unlovable. I'm a good wife and I treat him very well. I just have these episodes where I feel unsure about us or I worry that he he feelings for someone else. He has no patience for me during these times and says horrible things. Is this all my fault? I'm feeling like such a failure that maybe no one will love me. I know I've been very good to him though and I feel so confused.

I’m not sure anymore.it’s feels too real ,I think this has progressed into the real deal after obsessively thinking about being a p.from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed.prior to a month ago I was fine ,I didn’t think these thoughts up until I watched an documentary and from then on I was in this spiral now I can’t seem to shake this Theme and I’m having dreams,every time I have an thought I fight it and start to tear up because i do not want to be that person , but what if I am .the urges and the attractions and feelings are feeling real .I’m in tears as i am writing this ,I love kids I’ve always wanted to be an mother now I don’t want to .if I am a pedo deep down then I do not want to live or continue with life anymore .the anxiety isn’t there like it was a month ago but it’s still something I think about everyday.I could try to Take my mind off it but a thought pops of a kid .I get nervous then slightly Aroused then I’m sad.I cannot reach out to my mom because she is super religious and I’m scared of seeking professional help .I could be scrolling on social media and image of young girl and my heart starts to race and i feel anxiety mixed with arousal and I go back to see if I’m Aroused and I’m I attracted by the picture .plus I feel my normal attraction dwindling.I’ve gotten so depressed,I don’t want to leave my house sometimes and I’m Just don’t know .I have never had an problem with kids now it’s like I can’t look at them anymore .in the past I may have masturbated to the thought of taboo things and I have masturbated to different things and im starting to feel guilty but I HAVE NEVER DID IT CP.I do not want to watch cp and don’t want to.I’m just all out of options I feel I wouldn’t be able to live with my self so I feel offing myself would be the best .I can’t talk to my family or seek help because I’m afraid of the shame and guilt.I just looked at the picture of the preteen again on social media and I felt my heart race and and all these thoughts and feelings mixed with arousal and and attraction before I have never thought of this girl before or even gave it a second Thought prior to this.every time I’ve seen her picture I keep Scrolling I think it’s time For me to maybe accept That I am ,I don’t want To live anymore I don’t know how I got here.I’m tired of crying and thinking about this I just going to give up people saying it’s pocd or ocd but I don’t believe it i feels real .I was around my godson not Too long ago and I felt an strong Urge and thought saying Touch him but I fought it off and it caused me so much anxiety and fear .I don’t even want to be around kids anymore,it’s like the thoughts come and go then it comes back and I feel hopeless .it feels like I want to act on my urges and I don’t I’m just not doing well at all .I’ve thought these types before in the past but was able to shake them off now I feel it’s deep down now it feels like I’m attracted to teenagers I’m just all Over the place

I’ve been talking to my therapist about the porn I watched when I was in my young teens bc my ocd guilt trips me about it all the time. I feel like I didn’t explain it properly because to me it felt like I was basically watching cartoon child porn but I think she thinks I’m only worried because it was just a cartoon and cartoons are for children and my ocd is just making a connection. I want to tell her but I’m terrified she’s going to tell me I’m actually a pedo. I feel so disgusting and upset. The guilt is killing me. I wish I could just erase it from my mind. I keep wondering why I watched it and what it means about me. Please help :(

I’m so scared that I’m some kind of pedo primarily attracted to pubescent children. I’m 17 and I find myself attracted to the occasional 14 year old and panicking cuz they’re young . Like usually they look older but not this one . He looks 15. When the episode aired he was 14 and 11 months . If you guys search up the “have you ever been in love , five times a day “ you’ll see the guy from the meme . He looks his age . I think he’s pretty when I look at him but not hot . I’m trying to figure out what this means .

I can’t tell you guys how much this app has helped me control my anxiety and keep my OCD in check. I used to use Twitter as a venting tool but I found that people would just ignore me or ask me if I’m all right ‘cause “there always seems to be something wrong” or “one day you’re fine the next day you’re not.” It hurt. Getting asked so many times if I’m alright triggered my OCD into thinking that I wasn’t and felt the need to have something wrong. Also didn’t help that I felt like his ex was looking through my Twitter and laughing at me. The one time she did engage with me, the only time she felt bold enough to tell me how much of my man she made, she told me how depressing I was. Looking back I think maybe that’s why I was so upset and now about my actual boyfriend. All the remarks she made about him were just petty and could have been unsaid, I did feel bad for him though, but mine was uncalled for because she doesn’t even know me. She’ll never know me. Yet, for a whole year I feared her. I feared the woman he first loved and I felt so jealous of her and would have given anything to have been there first for him instead of him. I think I just wanted to feel important. When I talk to him about love, he is a romantic but I feel like part of him died when that relationship ended. He became painfully aware of how unhealthy it is to give your all to someone because it could end up like that so he’s not as devoted or rather doesn’t want to give himself up the way he did. I can see that even though he tells me all those wonderful things. That’s okay, ‘cause I learned that he’s partially right. I used to want this completely devoted and once in a lifetime love. Like the Princesses in the Disney movies. A fairy tale with someone built from the fragments of my imagination and molded from my deepest desires. I wanted to have a relationship in which we fell hard for one another and took care of each other. I don’t think I had a realistic idea of love and I always have the habit of putting myself last. I hope he heals from what he went through. I hope we grows out of that feeling and learns that there is such a beautiful world out there and he moves through the past with a stronger heart. It’s hard to leave someone you love so I can’t blame him for not healing faster but I’m not gonna wait for him for too long if he is indecisive. I have things to grow from too. I promise to love him, cherish him but I’m coming first now on. And for his ex, I’m not gonna ask for her permission to be happy with him through my compulsions of checking her social media to make sure she’s either busy with someone else or hasn’t mentioned either of us. Girl was wrong for coming into my messages with that bullshit but I forgive her and I hope that she moves on from this just as much as me and finds something that does give her happiness. I’m not cruel. It’s not in my nature to wish something bad on anyone. So that’s why it felt weird to resent her because my OCD wanted me to fear her. I don’t fear her, she was just someone I thought I needed to be for this relationship to work but I’m good. She’s not an example I want to follow and it’s always a good idea to be yourself anyway. For the past year I self inserted myself into his past and although I don’t expect change from him (I’m not going to worry about what’s she’s doing) I will expect a huge leap for myself. My feelings are valid. From the start I knew he was hung up on her still, I don’t blame him for it but he crossed the line by mentioning how much his mom loved her and how he told his family he was just going out with friends when he went to our first date. I had a reason to look to her to see what he liked but no reason good enough to stay. I just had low self esteem because I felt like I needed to carry this relationship. I’m letting go now. What may or may not happen is not up to me but what is is making sure I put my best foot forward and choose what’s right for me. I won’t let this make me petty. I won’t let this ruin my chances of it working out like we dream it will. But I need to separate my healing from his own and stop looking for her for permission of my own happiness with him. I’m not the plot of her revenge story, he’s not the savior of mine. I’m who I want to be and what I want to do is up to me. No one plays a part in my internal happiness, and no one plays the monster in my life. Not even OCD.

Can someone anwser a question if they can please?

I keep getting this intrusive thought that tells me to try and put something in my mouth like a glass bottle and perform sexual acts with it to see if I like it and it almost feels like an urge and my mind tells me that I won’t do it because I’m scared that I’ll like it and I’m scared to except that I’m actually gay this is so fucking scary it literally makes me grind my teeth squeeze my jaw hard and shake my head fast and roll my eyes I don’t know I do anything to get this thought out of my head but it won’t go away it doesn’t cause me an erection it causes me groinal up but not an erection it’s just scary like I get these urges and it’s scary and I don’t wanna do it because that’s just not who I am but then I get thoughts that I’m in denial and this and that it’s just so sad and frustrating does anybody have any advice

I can’t quite figure out how to explain it but before my ocd really showed itself, I had so many doubts about the relationship I was in but would cry at the thought of losing him. I felt so disconnected from him at times. I felt like there were things I didn’t like about him and that probably meant that we shouldn’t be together but I ALWAYS got upset with myself for feeling like I didn’t want him because I really thought I did at the same time? I felt SO disconnected. A few months before then, I had been sexually assaulted and thought maybe subconsciously, my mental health started declining from that which then led to relationship anxiety and then relationship ocd and then sexual orientation ocd. Idk because I’ve always just thought i had ocd but thinking now there’s more to it than that? Has anyone else experienced insanely cloudy thoughts/mind fog/disconnection of thoughts and feelings as opposed to intrusive thoughts? I’m sorry I can’t explain it well :/

Any tips for sitting with the discomfort other than going on your phone? Going on my phone is a coping mechanism to distract and numb out

SO-OCD TW really don’t know how to explain this but sometimes i feel envious of girls who are just really openly bi or gay. like i admire that confidence and ‘wish i was like that’. and i guess it’s more of a hypothetical. like if i really am bi or gay i wish i could just accept it and be like them. but i’m scared all this is just internalised homophobia and like i’m scared to express my true feelings or something. i don’t know anymore. saying i’m straight feels like a lie but i don’t think i’ve ever liked a girl. but then i envy overtly bi or gay girls? it just doesn’t make sense and idk what to think

Now I’m wondering if I even have ocd, in December when my theme of sexual-orientation ocd started I was doing so many compulsions, taking quizzes, googling coming out stories, comparing pictures of guys and girls, comparing straight and lesbian porn, ruminating about past and current relationships and friendships, ruminating about stupid things I did as a kid and even two years ago in my first year of high school. But I’m at a point now three months later where the anxiety is minimal and I don’t ruminate too much because I feel like my mind has gone crazy going through every possibility and I just don’t want to give in to those thoughts. My attraction to men is still low, i still find a bell going off in my head every time I see a pretty girl or something lgbtq+ related however my only compulsions right now are checking this app when I’m about to ruminate, occasionally going into Reddit and telling my grandma and friend about it. It’s subsided a lot which I’m grateful for but now that it’s still there I feel like I’ve given in somehow or like I truly am something other than straight but I hate that idea. I don’t want to like girls, don’t want to be intimate with one and I hate how sexualized they are in the media because it makes it hard to differentiate between arousal and genuine physical attraction but I still don’t want to be with one like that. I don’t know, anyone else feel like this ?

God is Alive Hope this helps someone. I know he is I have proof. Nothing to do with OCD.

Feeling like a burden to my family today. I’ve been speaking to them about possibly leaving my current cbt therapist to start therapy with nocd, however they seem very frustrated with me for wanting to switch therapists and for not being all happy and bubbly all the time. We don’t have much money so therapy is a big decision for us, I can tell my family and my friends are getting fed up of me :(

My ocd tells me I shouldn’t be forgiven for childhood sex play because I was older than than my sibling. It’s so hard I feel like I don’t deserve to move on with my life and should die. Even though my sibling loves me and talks to me all the time.

well, i might as well write something here. I'm feeling especially miserable today, came across this app and installed it. can't hurt, right? I'd be here all day if i had to talk about how and why and when my mental health started significantly deteriorating. i don't feel comfortable talking about why i deal with the issues that i do. I'll try to keep it short and focused on ocd. i guess I've always had these tendencies, and taking my lived experiences into consideration, i was pretty much cursed to be stuck where i am now. my ocd was initially a relatively standard harm ocd subtype. it had some peculiar aspects to it that I'd rather not get into at the moment. it was easy to get frightened and consumed by my unwanted thoughts. as a kid I'd spiral over conversations around me that triggered some sort of disgusting mental image. and the apparently unrelated physical rituals that i performed to calm myself down really only made it worse in the long run. here i am now, disabled by pocd, harm ocd, pure o, some sort of moral compass ocd. a lot of it has a sexual nature to it. i fear experiencing attraction or arousal to whatever causes an intrinsic response of disgust in me. a lot of it has to do with my fear of being destined to become an irredeemable person. I'm ruled by my own self hatred. after years of dealing with this illness and other comorbid issues, sometimes going into remission, the best way i can describe my case is as an "autoimmune disease of the psyche". i have developed many, many coping mechanisms, but my brain seems to adapt itself to the remedies i come up with, eventually weaponizing my own coping methods against me. i spend most of my daily energy containing whatever is haunting me in the back of my head. I'm sure I'd go insane if i just let it go loose. i deal with a vast network of thoughts that connect simple words to horrifying concepts which require me to engage in some sort of compulsion. it's inevitable for the most part. every single slightly alien sensation in my body causes an instant delusion-like belief in me that the worst is bound to happen. it's up to me to prove to such a superior force that it shouldn't make it happen by moving my eyes a certain way, coordinating some abstract notion of... something...? inside my head. it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. I've tried to explain it in detail but so far i haven't met anyone else who can put themselves in my shoes when it comes to such a complicated ocd case. but obviously, I'm keeping it vague here. fear of uncertainty and the despair that accompany it govern me, i no longer feel like a person. I'm pretty much a walking corpse at this point. I've given up the hope of ever living a normal life. I'm grateful enough that i survive each day that passes by and i will continue to do so. my pessimism would probably depress most people, but it's strangely helpful. when i hoped for good outcomes, I'd get disappointed eventually. it gets better, but it never did, so there's no use establishing goals or milestones. i expect the worst, so nothing disappoints me anymore, and when good things do happen, it feels especially great. i made peace with my own miserable future.

i just read a tik tok comment on a video about disturbing intrusive thoughts and so many comments triggered me saying “this is scary” “you people are sick” etc. and i just started spiraling, i have POCD, harm ocd, inc3st ocd literally so many intrusive thoughts that cause me to panic and feel evil and reading those made me burst out in tears, i’ve never felt so alone. i would never do what my thoughts put in my head, i don’t want them, i don’t believe them, i just want to be a good person and have normal thoughts and i didn’t want this. i am so tired of people misunderstanding me, i DONT want these thoughts, they make me feel sick and evil and i pray at night they’d stop and they never do and now people are saying “you’re sick” and everything, i feel so lost.