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I hate my life so much... it’s like no one can either see or wants to respond to the posts I’m making... I wanna die... huddle up in a corner.... I just want someone ANYONE to listen to my story....

I’ve got to wear a heart monitor for 14 days and I hate it. In between that time I’m thinking about starting Zoloft. It’s been staring at me through my cabinet but when I almost had 4 panic attacks in the cardiologist of all places I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of the thought loops making me think I’m gonna pass out, get sick (even tho I have strep rn), seizure, stroke etc. my brain keeps taking me places I don’t want to go. I’m scared of meds. I’ve been on them before. But I can’t continue like this. I’m sick of being sad and scared

TW I don't know how God could use me....I mean God probably didn't know I was gonna be a dipshit and do something stupid.......its unfathomable to me if he did know and it was part of my plan for life :( .......I can't get thoughts out of my head...an image.....no peace....no joy.....Life is hard to live with if you have no peace.....God please help me.

Hey everyone, I’ve been dealing with violent intrusive thoughts/images and even urges. And in this very moment, I feel very anxious, desperate and I feel an urgency to my thoughts. I don’t know if this is a normal thing, but sometimes it’s hard for me to look at people, I don’t know why but it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don’t know if I would be capable of harming them or not. I’ve also been avoiding hanging out with people lately. This feels so real that I’m afraid it’s not OCD, I feel like it’s not OCD and it’s scary bc I haven’t been diagnosed yet. I hope anyone can respond to this.

Hey Guys, after a traumatic event I had a feeling/thought if things around me are real or that I am not real. Ever since I have been obsessed with that thought. I have felt detached from my environment. But I know disassociation and derealization are triggered with anxiety. But I still feel this way when I'm not anxious. Can my thought obsession about feeling disconnected make me feel disconnected? Thanks!

Keep watching awaken into love and nothing is hitting me... 😞 I feel the need to really break up with my partner! I don’t wanna be just friends but that feeling keeps coming up!! I feel panicky and I have no real reason to break up! I am just freaking out!

My OCD is trying to make me think I have a crush on someone I don't have a crush on. Is this even an OCD thing? It feels so real but I hate it!! I tried not giving into rumination about the thoughts or other compulsions but then I felt like it was definitely true 😣

Is it just me that when someone gets mad at me, it's like my relationship with them starts from square one? I overthink them being mad so much that I can't move past it, and I look for the tiniest little signs that they're still mad at me deep down. For example, my boss got MILDLY annoyed with me because I didn't see a message she sent this morning, but my brain is treating it like she's been on the edge of firing me (she literally just asked why I didn't respond, and reminded me that I needed to be online for 9AM, then we MOVED PAST IT). When this happens, it would literally take the other person to come up to me like 'I'm sorry for getting mad - you don't need to worry about it. I didn't mean to get annoyed' for me to move past it. It takes me MONTHS to get over the tiniest little spat. So so done.

I don’t know who would like to read all this but I like it. This is how al ghazali dealt with doubt. “In this and similar cases of sense-perception the sense as judge forms his judgements, but another judge, the intellect, shows him repeatedly to be wrong; and the charge of falsity cannot be rebutted. To this I said: `My reliance on sense-perception also has been destroyed. Perhaps only those intellectual truths which are first principles (or derived from first principles) are to be relied upon, such as the assertion that ten are more than three, that the same thing cannot be both affirmed and denied at one time, that one thing is not both generated in time and eternal, nor both existent and non-existent, nor both necessary and impossible’. Sense-perception replied: `Do you not expect that your reliance on intellectual truths will fare like your reliance on sense-perception? You used to trust in me; then along came the intellect judge and proved me wrong; if it were not for the intellect judge you would have continued to regard me as true. Perhaps behind intellectual apprehension there is another judge who, if he manifests himself, will show the falsity of intellect in its judging, just as, when intellect manifested itself, it showed the falsity of sense in its judging. The fact that such a supra-intellectual apprehension has not manifested itself is no proof that it is impossible’. My ego hesitated a little about the reply to that, and sense-perception heightened the difficulty by referring to dreams. `Do you not see’, it said, `how, when you are asleep, you believe things and imagine circumstances, holding them to be stable and enduring, and, so long as you are in that dream-condition, have no doubts about them? And is it not the case that when you awake you know that all you have imagined and believed is unfounded and ineffectual? Why then are you confident that all your waking beliefs, whether from sense or intellect, are genuine? They are true in respect of your present state; but it is possible that a state will come upon you whose relation to your waking consciousness is analogous to the relation of the latter to dreaming. In comparison with this state your waking consciousness would be like dreaming! When you have entered into this state, you will be certain that all the suppositions of your intellect are empty imaginings. It may be that that state is what the Sufis claim as their special `state’ (sc. mystic union or ecstasy), for they consider that in their `states’ (or ecstasies), which occur when they have withdrawn into themselves and are absent from their senses, they witness states (or circumstances) which do not tally with these principles of the intellect. Perhaps that `state’ is. death; for the Messenger of God (God bless and preserve him) says: `The people are dreaming; when they die, they become awake’. So perhaps life in this world is a dream by comparison with the world to come; and when a man dies, things come to appear differently to him from what he now beholds, and at the same time the words are addressed to him: `We have taken off thee thy covering, and thy sight today is sharp’ (Q. 50, 21). When these thoughts had occurred to me and penetrated my being, I tried to find some way of treating my unhealthy condition; but it was not easy. Such ideas can only be repelled by demonstration; but a demonstration requires a knowledge of first principles; since this is not admitted, however, it is impossible to make the demonstration. The disease was baffling, and lasted almost two months, during which I was a sceptic in fact though not in theory nor in outward expression. At length God cured me of the malady;”

Hey everyone, i just need some help and advice . I just have 19 years old diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist who has the grade of master assistant also so he’s an expert since 06/2020 , Last month i went to another doctor who was not expert and quit good diagnosed me with GAD , after that i known that i have to come back again to the old one who diagnosed me with OCD even if i hate so so much to be diagnosed with it, he asks me to stop changing doctors searching details , learning about OCD on google watching videos and doing all this stuff every single day and every moment and just trust him and live my life with OCD trying to forget it, i really really find it super hard to trust him no just him any doctor , i want to know if anyone had this experience before am really really in a bad situation GAD ... OCD sometimes i just want to break my head and stop everything , is everyone with OCD find it very very hard to trust his doctor ? Wich its a very very important step to recover ! Help please !

Anyone went to backdoor spike stage without therapy? Like it has been like 4 months of my hocd and now I am feeling less anxious. But I didn't take any therapy . Yes I kissed my best friend but I still had the thoughts. Now I don't have that thoughts again. Have I accepted I am gay or is it really backdoor spike?

Does anyone else go into depressions when their OCD gets bad? For me when my intrusive thoughts become too much, I lose all energy, joy, feel empty, and like everything is hopeless, and pointless, lose my appetite (or start eating everything in sight), and start sleeping 10+ hours per day (usually around 12-14hrs) so that I don’t have to be awake and deal with the way I feel, I start thinking about death a lot, more so than usual with my existential themes, and do things slowly, and have no motivation to do anything. Is this just me, or is it a common thing? This actually just started happening about a year ago, during the worst spike of my life (spike would get really, really bad for a couple weeks, then become manageable, and the next month go back to being unbearable- literally ever single second of the day was spent either ruminating, reassurance-seeking, or having a thought pop in, and this would happen alongside really bad depressions that would outlast the spikes themselves- this must have happened for 3 months at least), and I can feel the depression starting to happen again. A part of me wants to fight it but the other part just wants to give in and stop fighting everything altogether, let the depression happen, it’s going to happen anyway, why fight it, I don’t have the energy to do that. But I don’t think this is healthy. Does anyone else experience this? Or is this something I should bring up when I am again able to afford therapy (probably in a year or two)?

TW I don't think God's gonna help me.....what I did I can't get over. My feelings aren't gonna change and the shitty thing it was basically an accident....I didn't hurt the cat on purpose and the damage is done, I can't get over the fact......the devil got me...... and no it wasn't molestation or anything it was a 2 second check but the damage is done.....the cat felt something!!!!....God why???.....I am just a mentally ill dipshit that the devil got.

*NSFW* Is it wrong to have more of a responsive desire? I love the idea of intimacy with my boyfriend and I love fantasizing about him but when it comes down to actually being in front of each other I get so shy and feel so awkward. Which means he usually always has to initiate, but once it starts it feels great and I love how close we are to each other. However I struggle a lot to do things on my own such as caressing him, kissing anything that’s not his mouth, and just being able to pleasure him in general. Even when he’s pleasuring me I feel like I’m under a spotlight and just very awkward and insecure. It makes me feel terrible because I know he feels like I don’t want him and I know I shouldn’t be insecure because he always reassures me and makes me feel comfortable but it’s just so out of my element. He’s the first person I’ve been intimate with and so I honestly have no clue what I’m doing and I don’t go outside my comfort zone because I get scared of doing something wrong. What makes it worse is that for so long I thought it was normal for the guy to do all the work and it’s not. We’ve been dating for over a year and I feel like our intimacy should be better by now but obviously not if I felt this way and couldn’t put it into words. My anxiety from ocd and overthinking doesn’t help either. He left 5 months ago to the military and I didn’t know how to place this feeling into words until after he left and so I feel stuck. I hate this because my so-ocd tries to attack this aspect of my life to convince me I don’t actually enjoy intimacy with my partner, and that the reason I’m so hesitant is because my “true nature” is to be with a girl. I don’t want to be with a girl, I only want to grow a strong physical bond with my partner and him only. In those few moments where I can let go of my worries I feel so close to him and I love it, but I’m scared it’s only because he gives me pleasure and not because I’m attracted to him. Is this normal when you’re first starting out? :(

I feel so anxious and desperate right now, because I feel like my brain is telling me “why are you going to therapy/posting in this app, when these might be your intentions”. And I hate it because sometimes I’m sure that I wouldn’t do anything, but it’s like it doesn’t matter, my brain will still tell me to consider doing my thoughts. It’s like my brain is questioning everything I think/feel. Now I don’t know what’s gonna happen next and I’m disturbed.

What are urges in OCD? For example in Harm OCD? I’m kind of confused

Yesterday for erp I tried watching lesbian tiktoks and now I had the thought that maybe I actually liked the videos and honestly I just feel like crying I don’t know how to keep fighting this anymore. I think girls are often more attractive than guys, and I thought it was because girls do their makeup and their hair and get dressed while guys don’t really groom and now my brain is trying to tell me it’s because I actually do like girls. I hate the idea of being with a girl, hate the idea of making out with one and being with one for the rest of my life feels like a prison sentence that I’m just going to have to face. Why does this have to be so difficult? I wish I could let it go and just say “Who cares if I do?” but I care so much because I just don’t want that for me. I don’t want to come home to a woman. I gave into a compulsion and I looked up “ How do I know if I’m attracted to girls?” And one of the signs was that you’re touchy feely with girls and now my mind is trying to convince me I was too touchy feely with an old best friend but I was just comfortable around her. I hate the idea of kissing her or being intimate with her and I have no desire to get to know her romantically. The attraction to girls feels real now and I hate it I do, there’s no excitement just so much anxiety and hurt and I feel like crying. Girls are like fairies, but I still don’t want it for myself but that feels like a lie and it feels like I don’t want to be with a guy when I do. I love my boyfriend with everything I have, I just want to be with him and love him and enjoy intimacy with him but now I have to question if that’s real or just a cover for my lesbianism. I miss when I could say “She’s pretty” about girls at school or “Wow she’s hot” for celebrity females without wondering if it means I’m secretly in denial. I wish I could learn to accept it if I am bi or lesbian but it’s so hard because I just don’t want it for myself. I want to come home to my partners broad chest and warm arms, not a female who smells too sweet with a body too much like mine. I don’t want to wake up every day and see a girl next to me and I don’t want to be anywhere near a naked female body. I just feel like I’ve gone backwards in progress or like maybe I really am in denial and maybe my attraction is real. I used to admire girls and wanted to be like them , now it feels like that was all attraction. I’m sorry for this rant, I’ve been struggling so much and it feels like I’m going to lose everything I wanted.

TW God doesn't like me.....I haven't been able to sleep for 2 months because of something that happened......can't change it.....Its like God or the devil lined that day up for something bad to happen.....SMFH!!!! Some here would even judge me....I talked about it and somebody did judge me.....and they didn't even fully understand it...but its true... there does need to be judgement I assume.......God COMPLETELY lined that day up for me to have a severe intrusive thought in the heat of the moment.....

in what ways can i ben there for someone who vents a lot (ocd wise)? i started with empathetic responses and saying how i’m sorry they’re having to go through all this. but now it’s a daily thing (and has been for a few weeks) and i just don’t know what to do. i’m at the point where i’m always trying to figure out solutions and ‘fix’ it (which makes me feel guilty). this persons problems are now mine too and i don’t know how to explain to them that i’m not able to help. like i literally don’t know what to say. i’m not a therapist. and i can’t keep using the ‘this sounds very difficult’ phrase over and over again. but i also don’t want to set boundaries and tell them i can’t help them. that just feels mean. and i’m also scared because they’re really struggling and need support, and if i stop helping them, who knows what could happen. i’ve shared links and stories and posts and accounts with them. and i let them vent and explain. it’s just a bit exhausting. and in addition to all this, i feel so guilty and anxious for being ‘annoyed’ by it because that’s not what an empathetic person would feel :(((

this is the second therapist i’ve tried for nocd erp. the last one i left because she yelled at me when i got triggered after she said she thought that i was straight. now the same thing happened minus the yelling. my therapist now said that the way i phrased things made it sound like i am straight (and i don’t want to be this). i want to die honestly. the coincidence of this happening twice? it’s obvious that i’m straight and in denial. the fact that two licensed therapists even feel so. i should just go out and sleep with a man or something just to hurt myself. but whatever i’d probably enjoy it anyway since i’m lying to myself.